Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred and Fifty-Three

1. So dark. I think about the coming fall and winter and the amount of darkness. I’m already missing summer’s light.

2. Bullfrog is so darn loud.

3. What time is it? How much longer until I can make the coffee? I stick the bacon in the oven and then sit at write.

4. Time to bring back the rituals.

5. We know what it’s like to be the only one, all of the time. (She always looks like she’s glowing.)

6. I thought that was her car. I tell him that I really like her. I really like everyone.

7. The tomatoes are so beautiful I don’t even want to cut into them. But I’m dreaming of eating them sliced with a drizzle of olive oil and a light sprinkle of salt and pepper.

8. I take myself on a walk, remember that I haven’t listened to On Being in quite some time. The music begins and my body feels different. Church on a Monday in the woods.

9. Two feathers. This one is a woodpecker. This one might be a vulture?

10. Taste test.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. He says it’s a bullfrog.

2. I clean up the dishes leftover from the night before. Feels a bit like a meditation.

3. Huge croissant. Hot coffee. Orangey-sunrise glow on her face.

4. Note to self: don’t walk on Silverado Trail. How do people even ride their bike on this road?

5. 2 miles and 18 flights. That’s a good morning.

6. The details were so well thought out.

7. The hazy shadows of the Mayacamas and the Vaca Mountains.

8. Empanadas and jerk shrimp and steak tacos. A can of San Pellegrino. A short walk in Yountville.

9. Slow tasting at Chimney Rock. Can’t go wrong with Tomahawk. This rosé of Cabernet franc.

10. No more hiding. What is there to be afraid of?

11. I’m going to be so sore tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-One

1. What sound is that? Not a bird. Whatever it is, it’s loud.

2. Bacon and eggs before we leave.

3. We walk the upper loops of the neighborhood. He’s pausing because he can feel a little bit of a migraine coming. I am feeling a little light-headed myself. Might be the change in elevation. Maybe we’re climbing higher than we thought.

4. Make a list of all the last minute things you need to get.

5. We exit the car and someone yells, “Hi, neighbors!” There is something so oddly satisfying about it.

6. “No more furniture.” But the canopy bed looks wonderful in her room. Next up, mosquito netting to complete her boho vibe.

7. Where are my pillows?

8. Bread and cheese and olives and crackers and figs and pickles. We gather around the table for the happy hour with Shannon Staglin in support of STOMP. My first time drinking Staglin wines. 2014 Chardonnay and 2014 Cabernet Sauvignon.

9. I think of what my role could be. There is so much more to learn.

10. Chicken and ribs and baked beans and kale. 2016 Wrath Syrah, KW Ranch.

11. It’s possible.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty

1. Cool mornings. Almost soup weather.

2. Moody morning.

3. More Beyonce and boxes. I try not to dance to much because I realize all of his classmates can see me in the background.

4. “The house looks great. So much brighter.” “Well, that’s what happens when you clear the cutter away. I’m getting there. I’m getting there.“

5. I listen to the call that I missed. What is my goal for this time? What is the word? I need clarity and momentum.

6. I watch my feet in these boots hit the ground and know what is to come.

7. I realize that I am not that far off from the BIG big dream.

8. I need a bigger whiteboard.

9. Idea generation is my favorite.

10. Maybe I learned it from Hannah? Look for the little ways in which you are living your dreams.

11. Soup night.

12. Not Chadwick Boseman.

13. But if we can make it through 2020, I think we can make it through anything.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. Quiet. The fountain isn’t on.

2. Morning fog clinging to the treetops.

3. The electric kettle is broken. But I have used it every day for the last 5 years. Thank goodness one was left behind. He reminds me that even without a tea kettle I still have 3 other ways to make coffee. Oh, yeah.

4. I show him the way the branches have been tied together so that over time the new leaves will grow in to create a natural barrier. I can’t get over the intentionality of every little thing.

5. It passes his sniff test.

6. What day is it?

7. Laundry, and more laundry, and more laundry. Two hours and I haven’t touched a box, only gotten the laundry folded and put away.

8. He asks me why I took the blankets; he wants to keep them. I tell him that since we aren’t using those beds anymore, we’re donating the sheets and blankets to those who lost their homes and belongings in the fire. He’s okay with that.

9. Wine and Beyonce and emptying boxes one, by one, by one.

10. Just magic.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. The one morning I want to sleep in.

2. We can go home. We’re going home.

3. What is taking so long?

4. I change my clothes and then lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling. The carpet feels soft.

5. Back to Paleo?

6. The lushness if almost overwhelming. But this is why you come here. I am mesmerized by the fountain and it’s sound. Illuminated white rose petals.

7. I hear myself talking and I don’t know if anything I am saying makes sense. I think it does. Yes, it does.

8. There is so much intentionality in the design of the garden, a work of art. They’ve taken a branch from each tree and tied them to one another to create and arch that in time will also fill in with leaves. So much drama.

9. I get to sit.

10. It’s the farmers that interest me the most.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. So dark. Oh yeah, room-darkening curtains. Should really invest in some of these.

2. Gotta have faith.

3. It’s still early and no one else even looks like they are about to wake up. I’ll take myself on a walk and get a coffee and a spinach and feta croissant.

4. My hair smells like smoke.

5. Yeah. I gotta take those days off.

6. No one knows where I am. I laugh and take an order.

7. The funny thing is that they think this is worth asking me to fix in this moment. Also: give people access and trust them to do certain things.

8. Wow. I mean. All things considered, this does not suck.

9. I think we can go back home. We can go back home.

10. I can see it in her face.

11. I put my shoes back on and ask for the manager. “Two things. First, I need your name so that I can write a review. Second, I’m sorry. My mind was so busy I forgot to ask you how you are doing. You are going through the exact same thing. What do you need.”

12. Giggles from the other side of the door. They should be asleep.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Six

1. Monday.

2. Getting ready in the dark. Fall is coming.

3. I think about the night before and how much I miss that kind of conversation and community. Looking forward to it becoming a more normal part of my life again.

4. Can’t remember the last time I used a regular kettle.

5. Everyone is mad this morning, except for me. They’re killing the high carrying over from last night.

6. He says I woke them up too early. I say that if I have a work call at 9:00 am and everyone is supposed to be on their zoom calls for school sometime between 8:30 and 9:30, then I’m waking everyone up at 7:30 am so that I know they are all set to go and won’t interrupt me. So yes, everyone has to bend to my schedule. This is going to be a long year.

7. In one week at this new school I’ve had more engagement from administration than I did the entire year and a half in our last school district. This was the better choice.

8. “I don’t know how you do it.” “There’s no choice but to do it. What else is there to do?”

9. I ordered from the wrong one.

10. I apologize. She tells me that it’s okay, and that at least I apologized and that it’s more than most people do but I still feel guilty.

11. I was excited about the possibility but each one is booked. Well, we weren’t the only ones looking for a home.

12. Hotel hallway smells like smoke.

13. They tell me I need to take the rest of the week off.

14. Everyone’s school day ends at a different time.

15. Barely got anything done for today.

16. I tell him that I misgendered someone today and I still felt awful about it but that I was proud of myself for not making it about me, and for not being too embarrassed to apologize and correct my mistake right in that moment — and that’s a moment of growth.

17. Familiar face.

18. I tell her that she’s the one from out of town so she should get the seat with the view.

19. I think about all the work that would still need to be done in order for me to take off for the week.

20. 29% contained, but mostly on the Contra Costa side. That means I’m still not going home.

21. Wednesday.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred and Forty-Five

1. Tossing and turning trying to return to the dream.

2. Must get to the laundromat today. I wonder if it’s possible to get up to the house? On Nextdoor, people in the town over waited in line for 2-4 hours to have 20 minutes to retrieve items from their home. Would it be worth it to see?

3. Wildflowers in an empty lot. Joy.

4. How will I find joy today?

5. They give us the charcuterie board for half the price because someone cancelled. I think I see a truffle goat cheese. Joy.

6. I check in with the HOA and they say we can run up for supplies but can’t stay long.

7. It looks like an N95 kind of day/week.

8. It looks like fog, but it isn’t.

9. The house is fine, and up on the hill, above a lot of the smoke. We get more underwear and t-shirts and the laundry detergent so we can go to the laundromat. Joy. Though I wish we could stay.

10. One scoop of salted caramel blondie in a cake cone. Joy.

11. I finally find the magazine. Joy.

12. Damn it. Even in all the smoke this is still a beautiful place and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

13. The energy in the room.

14. I wish I could go with them and learn and listen.

15. “The moral of the story is…” - Roxy

16. But when you sit socially-distant at a table with people like this…this is the kind of moment that makes you even that more excited to do what you love.

17. I tell her that I needed tonight more than anything, especially after my last few weeks. I was going to drop out but I knew being in community would be good for me.

18. It’s time for change.

19. I can’t wait to come back. More importantly, I can’t wait to see what unfolds from their adventure.

20. Not an adventure, but an exploration. They, too, are pioneers, curious seekers and believers in a better and different future.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Four

1. Morning-night.

2. Can’t stop looking up.

3. You can smell more smoke here.

4. For not the cloud/smoke cover, the entire vineyard would be illuminated by the moon and the stars.

5. Long shower before sleep.

6. He’s right; the boxed food just isn’t as good as when it comes to you on a plate.

7. I’m trying to have the same sense of adventure.

8. I think I will take a few days off next week.

9. I edit some of the photos. Not bad for the first time in complete darkness. This brings me some joy.

10. Cold corn soup.

11. A little bit of headache. Maybe it is the smoke, too.

12. Still can’t find the magazine.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Waiting for coffee.

2. Hazy gray giving way to pale orange. Quiet.

3. I cover my eyes.

4. I sit in the chair and try to work and then remember that he has to be on zoom. Oh yeah, school.

5. I cry a little.

6. But, I am incredibly surprised at his compliance.

7. I hear him say that he doesn’t have the cards, that he left them at home. I send an email to all of the teachers: all we took was the chromebooks.

8. I want a book.

9. I cry a little more.

10. There is no where to go, to take them into.

11. At least we have more underwear.

12. I read the email exchanges. People are just worried and that is fair.

13. I close my eyes to fend off the headache.

14. He says that it is possible to care too much about the wrong thing.

15. I order the same thing. Comfort in repetition.

16. All the stars.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Two

1. What time is it? Exactly the right time to get up.

2. I sit quietly waiting for the children to wake up so we can order food and coffee. I need coffee.

3. Grumbling stomach. Grateful we can eat.

4. A lot of messages. Too many to respond to.

5. Hazy sky. Pretty colors. Pollution.

6. Each one doing zoom-school: one on the cot, one on the sofa, one at the table. Everyone asking everyone else to quiet down so they can hear.

7. Hard to get started when you feel so behind on everything.

8. He keeps asking me how I’m doing. I realize that the expressionless face is probably just a function of fatigue and shock.

9. The thing is that I’m not meeting my own expectations. Making silly mistakes because of…well, everything.

10. There are a lot of people out but maybe they are not people just out for the heck of it. Maybe they are people like us, people who had to leave and are just doing what they have to do, which is be out and eating out.

11. Yeah. It just isn’t the right fit and that’s okay. That’s going to happen. The thing is, what’s next?

12. I get it though. I get the need for something that feels more normal.

13. It will be cold.

14. I feel like I don’t know where I am even though I’m not that far from home.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-One

1. Those trucks are so darn loud. 5:34am.

2. Day two of school. Let’s see who can log in today.

3. Celery juice. Leftover zucchini. I pour a cup of coffee.

4. Not good. Headache. Nauseated. Lay down. Set alarm for 7:45 to wake the kids up. Close eyes.

5. So much to do today. Sit up. Head spins, Lay back down. Throw up.

6. He comes and asks me for help with his chromebook. I get up out of bed to meet him at the door but run to the bathroom instead.

7. Evacuation advisory for Angwin/Deer Park. I tell him we need to make the go bag tonight.

8. I sit on the floor and fold everything Marie Kondo-style. Fit everything into the bag. Doorbell. I bet it’s someone telling us we need to go.

9. Another neighbor rings the bell. “Yes, Patricia told us. We’re leaving.” Sirens. A police car playing a message on loop. We need to go.

10. The further away we get, the more of the fire we can see.

11. I forgot shower caps. Of course.

12. There are some things I couldn’t find in time because so much is still in boxes. And the boxes aren’t in order like I would have liked them to be because of the time crunch we were under to pack. We haven’t even been here long enough to properly prepare.

13. Should we have taken both cars? Will it matter?

14. What a very, very strange month. Year.

15. What would you do if everything was just gone?

16. The new first aid kit, flashlights, and N95s were supposed to arrive Friday, the generator on Monday.

17. But, of course, Nature doesn’t wait.

18. Safe.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty

1. Is that just acorns and leaves, or rain?

2. Dark and quiet. Fall is coming.

3. Make a list.

4. First day of school. Still can’t login. Call school. Maybe someone will answer? It’s okay if we miss the first day, right?

5. Early start.

6. Little traces of smoke up here but the text alerts mean that the fires have expanded.

7. Bright, bright sun. Blue sky and gauzy clouds.

8. But at least they are clean.

9. But seriously, you can be anything you want to be.

10. He says that the clouds look very strange. Those aren’t clouds, sweetie.

11. It’s still very hot. The alerts keep coming. The power turns back on.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. Is it going to rain again?

2. I think it’s going to rain again.

3. The last banana, a little over-ripe.

4. I think I could do this for the rest of my life.

5. Fire along the ridge.

6. I move the boxes out of the way and check the light. A little dark but it will work better.

7. The hour goes by too fast.

8. No power.

9. The plume is significantly larger. We have a lot of planning to do.

10. No service.

11. Alerts.

12. Generator ordered.

13. Her password doesn’t work. Well…I guess missing the first day of school wouldn’t be the worst idea.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. I think I see lightning.

2. Rain drop on nose.

3. How to describe the shade of red on the woodpeckers? Saying “red” doesn’t feel adequate. Carmine? Cornell? Fire Brick? Madder? Turkey Red?

4. I don’t have enough eggs. It’s overcast. It’s going to rain. This is not normal. It’s my curse.

5. I could live here forever.

6. Well, I’m definitely not going to hear anything now.

7. A wine barrel painted black. In white letters, “BLM.”

8. Belated birthday dinner of smoked chicken, broccoli, and rice.

9. I ask him if it’s my imagination or are there more “Black Lives Matter” signs here than the last town.

10. Cookies and cream ice cream cake. Something like a cool breeze.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. I hear him open the window and then close it. Too hot for that today.

2. Remember to look up the naked lady flowers.

3. Sunrise through the trees. Coffee. Hashing out future plans.

4. It just might work.

5. Sometimes we speak completely different languages.

6. That was easy.

7. Two emergency room visits in three days.

8. She’s freaking out because she’s worried that by just being in the hospital her significant other will get COVID. She has nothing to wipe her snot with. The security guard tries to calm her down.

9. I watch the old ladies walk their old men to the cars. The sounds of their shuffling feet across the dirty pavement.

10. Everything is fine.

11. She makes the brownies.

12. This was definitely the most right choice.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. A little bit of cool air before the heat comes.

2. Still tired.

3. One cup of green juice and a banana. Coffee while I stare out at the trees.

4. Hmmmm.

5. I get excited but then realize that it might be futile.

6. I’m getting used to disappointing myself. No, it’s not that. It’s understanding that so much is shifting, my capacity is not what it used to be/normally is. This is okay. This is temporary.

7. The line is wrapped around the building. We grab a burger and eat it in the car before deciding to just turn back around and go home. What were even thinking?

8. He tells me that I’ve been working a lot. Like, a lot. And I almost start to cry. I am just tired.

9. She tells me she’s waiting on a new hair product to tame the grays. The grays just won’t behave. I laugh. I tell them about my rogue gray hair that never seem to make it into the braids.

10. Pizza from Tra Vigne. Sonoma Fig.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. Slept in.

2. An alarm going off in another room. No one is turning it off. I unplug it from the wall. Who’s trying to wake up at 6:15 in the morning?

3. Naysayer Coffee for breakfast. I already need another bag.

4. I sit down and watch the treetops take on a golden hue. I miss books. I can’t remember the last time I sat down and just read.

5. Where else will you see hot air balloons on your drive to the doctor?

6. A giant wall of cheese. Super narrow aisles. I don’t think I can come back in here again. At least, not in the middle of the day.

7. Beds came early. I think this is going to work out just fine.

8. This music.

9. Bullseye. He’s a natural. He always has been.

10. No one wants to be in the ER on a Thursday night.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. What time is it?

2. The garbage truck is so loud. Are they almost gone? It’s cold. I don’t want to get from under the covers.

3. Gray-blue light.

4. Big leaves, some green, some yellow, some brown. Autumn is coming.

5. All of these technical things.

6. I move outside for a breath of fresh air only to realize the landscapers are coming through. Back inside.

7. I stand at the top of the stairs. I finally feel like I’ve caught my breath.

8. She says the earliest she can do coffee is 10:00 am because she has water aerobics. Oh yeah, I’m about to have coffee with a bunch of old retired ladies and I kind of love it. I tell him another one is a history professor. He reminds me that I love smart, old ladies.

9. The oldest made dinner while I braided my hair. His sister and brother compliment him. We all do.

10. Still so many boxes. Still not enough energy to decide where I want everything to go. Still more furniture to order.

11. Tomorrow we will go and shoot the bow.