Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety-One

1. A good and deep stretch is exactly what I needed.

2. Trip prep.

3. I check my phone. Nothing from him. That’s a good thing. Hopefully, it means that he actually rested.

4. How many books can I fit in my bag? Should I pack any at all? Just a notebook? My journal?

5. Three carnitas in the shade.

6. I sit along the edge of the pool and drink a little bit of the pink elephant as I tilt my face towards the sun.

7. She says the word firecracker and I chuckle.

8. The smell of hair day.

9. Am I ready? Yes, and no.

10. 31 days.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Ninety

1. The glory of no alarm.

2. Another day, another gym.

3. The vulnerability of the ask.

4. One of the boxes in AAU Bingo: Refs shooting 3’s at timeouts.

5. But the drive is scenic along this part of the highway. All you see around you is rolling green hills covered in vines and a blue sky—a real life painting.

6. We find the right channel to watch the Ole Miss/Arizona softball game while waiting for more results.

7. Slow and long and yet, still.

8. We’ve somehow lost the connection between hard work and the reward.

9. The eggs are gone. All of them. I look around my feet for broken eggshells or some other evidence of their removal. But there is nothing. Just an empty nest.

10. Unprepared?

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. Foggy morning.

2. Peony petals littering the dining room table.

3. The school is tucked inside a neighborhood at the base of a big green hill. The campus is so big that they have a map on display. I think about how all of my schools were single-building institutions. They don’t know how lucky they are to have fresh air.

4. New gym. Half a hot dog, raisins, empty cans of yerba mate, candy.

5. Knowing when to stop.

6. Capitalize on the energy.

7. I buy the marshmallows and crispy rice cereal so they can make themselves a treat, but really, I want a Rice Krispies treat for myself.

8. I tell him that I’m not trying to compare, but these are the things I’ve done today, and all I’m asking is for the dishes to be done.

9. 80. What?

10. Live into it.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Late start, but I can still see the moon.

2. Feather finder.

3. This is out last session. She asks me what insights I have gained through this process. I tell her it felt good to say, “I no longer want this.” Now, I have given myself permission to move on.

4. Always dodging the sunlight when on these Zoom calls.

5. Everyone has their own path.

6. I'm missing the depth.

7. 2022 Bodega Chacra 'Barda' Pinot Noir. The fries are still good, but the burgers are not the same. “A square cut of cake?” I say. “She would never.”

8. Really, truly out of office.

9. No. I really don't want to go.

10. The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

    But I have promises to keep,   

    And miles to go before I sleep,   

    And miles to go before I sleep.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. Breakfast club.

2. There’s always this stretch of morning—right around the time when the day begins to break—when the birdsong is so loud I can barely hear my audiobook.

3. Swath of golden light on the peonies and the painting. Stops my breath.

4. Waiting and waiting and waiting.

5. Remember that you can just take a walk.

6. Kids PB & J and a container of fruit. A little heavy on the J today.

7. The echo of the ball in an empty gym. This hour is my own. Thinking while also trying not to think.

8. Of course, I feel compelled to clean and reorganize the fridge instead of reading two chapters for Psych, writing that email, and sending that letter.

9. Leftovers.

10. She asks if I’m ready for Yosemite. Ready? No. Excited? Yes. But, definitely not ready.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. A little stumble over the speed bump. A little blood on my hand. Why is there even a speedbump here?

2. Breakfast club.

3. Zone of Excellence or Zone of Genius?

4. Frequent glances at the inside of my wrist. Ready for another one.

5. I look at her, smile, and quietly whisper, “I can’t do this right now.”

6. A lot of laughter in here today. That’s a good thing.

7. Dry turkey burgers.

8. Birkenstocks slapping against the asphalt. The smell of jasmine wafting through the air. Confused by all of the mulch they’re spreading. This house and its white cars.

9. This time of year, during these games, brings out familiar faces.

10. 38

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. So breezy at the very top of the knoll. So worried about what might be in the tall grasses that blow from side to side.

2. Half a moon?

3. I don’t have my contacts in, but from here, it looks like a fox.

4. Analytical intelligence, power of deduction, observation.

5. I keep looking out toward the sky, but there’s no time for a walk today. There is only enough time to dry my eyes outs due to staring at the screen.

6. Keeping track of time.

7. I should have started using a whistle a long time ago.

8. It’s slipping away.

9. Warm enough to wear shorts in the stands as the sun sets. It’s that time of year again.

10. 39.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. Bright burst of sun through the wooden blinds.

2. Cool morning breeze.

3. Counting the eggs again. Five pale blue with brown speckles.

4. I really hope I never get tired of this—of any of this. The colors in the sky, the humped hills and craggy mountains, the bent trees, the spotty cellular service.

5. 7 years. Lucky number 7?

6. Now he gets to put faces to the names.

7. But I don’t eat them. I really don’t. Only when they come off the grill with a good char, dipped in mustard and ketchup. Very elementary.

8. Am I doing too much for this? Maybe. But maybe not.

9. “In a culture of overconsumption, I’m simply choosing to do less of everything. Or rather, I’m choosing what matters. Am I becoming one of them? No. I’m just becoming more me.”

10. 2021 Pax Magik Vineyard Sonoma Coast Syrah.

11. 40.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. Ombre sky.

2. My pace is much quicker today. Maybe I’m just happy it’s Friday.

3. Ironic that in an eye doctor’s office, all of the pictures would be crooked.

4. Thirty minutes over time. Landscapers blowing leaves from the deck. He hope he doesn’t accidentally disturb the nest.

5. Per my last email.

6. Oysters and deviled eggs and mini ham sandwiches. I have him add the bourbon caramel sauce alongside the olive oil and sea salt on my buffalo milk soft serve.

7. There is still my cleaning to do.

8. Laugh out loud.

9. What did I expect?

10. On the way home, I think of the Christopher John Rodgers pieces that I have now held in my hands, seen in the flesh for the first time. I think of the high-waisted Dries Van Noten denim wide-leg jeans and the jacket. I think of the woman who wears these clothes, and how, in some ways, I see me. And I remember the importance of fashion in its ability to communicate externally who we are internally. Everything is communication.

11. On the way home, on Yountville Cross Road, the sun is doing its thing, casting its golden light onto everything, making you feel like you are floating in a fantasy.

12. Remember when you once dreamed of this?

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. Waking up to the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore.

2. Not quite ready to go. I’d take another day. And another. Maybe next time.

3. Large coffee and a buttermilk glazed. Dropping a tip into the kid’s travel fund. Thinking about my next visit. Next time, I’ll get another Mexican Hot Chocolate.

4. Because I want to be generous. Because I want to invest in the people and places and ideas that I think will bring more beauty into the world.

5. I stare out the window and look at the sky and the water. I think about how lucky I am that I already know I’ll be back.

6. Stairs vacuumed.

7. Now there are five eggs.

8. She did give a disclaimer.

9. So many dreams.

10. But there’s a lot of love. There’s a lot of love.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Earlier and earlier each day.

2. I think of his comments about the wild animals, but push them out of my mind. I know this route. I’ll be just fine.

3. Quick texts to let them know you haven’t forgotten about them.

4. All will be well enough.

5. I take my phone meeting outside for my walk and manage to get in my mile while the breeze runs through my hair.

6. Dusty picnic table.

7. A little bit of Krug.

8. Hitting send on the final assignment for spring and then realizing you have only two weeks before your next class begins.

9. The timing is just not going to work.

10. When the dreams persist, you just trust that they’ll manifest when you’re ready.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Wind.

2. Bits of trees scattered across the pavement and the trail. The sound of the redwoods blowing in the gusts.

3. 118 beats per minute. I’m just drinking water.

4. Just one paper to go.

5. She says that she wants to travel over the summer, but she’s afraid they won’t let her back in.

6. I need more time; there is never enough time.

7. All of this feels right.

8. The last of the meetings.

9. I ought to meditate again.

10. “Starve doubt.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. From the top of the hill I see nothing but silhouettes of trees stacked in

2. No idea what this plant is, but the bloom is awfully pretty.

3. Please, sun. Come out today.

4. Instead of listening to a book on my walk break, I read a document so I’m prepared for the next meeting. But it is only four pages long, which gives me almost four minutes to walk and think of nothing but the sun.

5. The longer it goes on, the less I like it.

6. One quiz, one test, and two short papers to go.

7. These leftover roses from prom keep on giving.

8. She may look like me and sound like me, but she’s definitely funnier than me.

9. In this way, he and I are the same: having difficulties saying what it is that we want.

10. “You become whatever you’re striving for. Your goal shapes your process. Your goal also shapes your personal development and evolution.” — 10x Is Easier Than 2x

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Another misty morning.

2. Reverse the route.

3. Walking without contacts means that every squirrel on the road looks like a large rock.

4. I stop and get decaf because I know there is never any at these kinds of meetings.

5. All my notes are about basketball.

6. Food truck day.

7. Why does it have to be so hard?

8. But, it’s a front, right?

9. Win number 2!

10. “I can. I will. I am.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. So cold this morning.

2. But this workout is making me sweat.

3. I find the black jeans in her drawer and bring them upstairs to iron for myself.

4. Today is the fashion show.

5. Not our circus, not our monkeys. We just come to the tent.

6. Sushi roll in the parking lot with the windows up while buy a plane ticket.

7. These days really are my favorite days. And if you can remember that you will have days like this, then you can make it through.

8. Flowers blowing in the breeze.

9. I tell them that I love seeing these other sides of the kids…to see another expression of who they are is just the coolest.

10. Learner. Deliberative. Achiever. Intellection. Individualization.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Time to wake up.

2. So cold for yoga this morning. Should have started that fire.

3. He says no to the stuffed animals, but I manage to find a few tiny chocolate bunnies.

4. Begin the focaccia. Begin the mac and cheese. Make an apple crisp.

5. Hammock and sun. Already wishing for one more day.

6. Better, but also not.

7. What would happen if I just ignored this?

8. Two helpings.

9. “Who do you want to be known as?”

10. Eventually, it will all make sense.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Rest.

2. I emerge from the shower much, much later than usual. A warm glow in the living room. Quiet.

3. “You’re not stuck; you’re misaligned.”

4. I check off the boxes. I feel like a lily in the ocean. These waters are unfamiliar and unwelcome. Where are my still waters?

5. Speed cleaning before it’s time to leave for her softball game.

6. A woman who cuts her hair is a woman who is about to change her life. Or who is experiencing hormonal and stress-related thinning?

7. Perfect weather for sitting in the stands; moderate temperature, a clear and sunny sky, and a light breeze.

8. I see him warming up in the bullpen on my way back from the bathroom. He only needs three outs.

9. Headaches.

10. Wonton soup before bed.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Morning light.

2. Water. Lots more water.

3. Tacos and sun and silence.

4. “Say ‘Bye tio’.”

5. Rehearsing my explanation for the next email thread.

6. Girls just want to have fun.

7. 17 going on 13.

8. Funny how when the power goes out it’s like a snow day and suddenly, none of the rules apply.

9. I leave the two of them downstairs with their small TV and makeshift beds on the sofa, then light a few candles and take them upstairs to add a glow to the bathroom.

10. He thinks of it as a way of holding him.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. These weights are heavy. My breathing is loud.

2. Deep sigh.

3. Several cups of decaf coffee and probably not enough water.

4. A campus tour is never as good as it could be when it’s cloudy. But still, not a bad place. Lots of trees. A rock-climbing wall.

5. We let the two of them walk ahead, side-by-side. They’re talking. Who knows what it’s about, but it doesn’t really matter.

6. They tell us that our order isn’t ready, and I turn around and say I’m sure it’s not when one car orders 50 nuggets.

7. Who is not saying the thing?

8. It’s always about managing up.

9. He brings it up again, and my feelings about it all resurface once more.

10. Carrot cake and a cup of decaf.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Another day to hit the snooze.

2. Stronger than yesterday.

3. I zoom in with my camera phone to realize that it’s just an orange cat, a tabby, grooming itself in the morning sun.

4. I forgot my bag again…this time, the one with the food.

5. Time is creeping by in this agenda-less meeting. Folding my hands behind my head. Eating cut pineapple because I can’t get more angry. Trying to fix my energy.

6. I remember that I have tomorrow off, and that brings a little bit of peace.

7. I wish I were better at faking it. Or do I?

8. If you can’t laugh, what are you even doing?

9. What does unreasonable hospitality look like in this situation?

10. So many ideas and never enough time.