Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Five
Getting out before the first light.
Shorter split time; it’s getting easier and easier.
So glad I put those braids back in.
The way the morning sun hits the tall dewy grasses and the moss on the builders. All I can hear is my breathing, not even any bird chatter.
When the meeting gets moved again, and you’re thoroughly relieved.
Showing restraint by not eating during this meeting.
Poppies and green canopies and potholes and trucks and a gentle breeze.
These little kids are the best part of my Monday.
“We’ve lived in California for almost seven years now. I’m not a bandwagon fan, right? I can be a Warriors fan now.”
Frog song.
Ten. Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Five
Clean windows on a rainy morning.
Deep breaths.
I am quiet during the first part of the game, but it’s hard to stay quiet.
After the three-point loss, she reminds the team to stay positive and think of all they accomplished over the weekend. That’s the right attitude.
I walk back to the car and think about this transition. About how yes, I feel quite certain it must happen. And yes, I’d like for it to be sooner than later. But I’ll slowly add in more and more where I can.
I didn’t even know we had a boba place in town.
Reflection.
It takes me only about 90 minutes to finish them. No perfect, but good enough to give me back my mornings.
Cyclic insomnia.
Or maybe it’s that she accidentally gave me regular coffee instead of decaf.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Four
This morning, I feel mist on my face.
The upward climb.
Sobering conversations.
Why do the squirrels look so big these days? I keep thinking I’m seeing small cats out of the corner of my eye.
Building resilience?
She says I need to create space.
Chicken tikka masala.
Car full of girls. Unexpected slow jams on the playlist.
Something is not right, and I know I’ll never get the full truth.
The anger expressed outwardly is representative of all that lies within.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Three
Foggy morning on the knoll. I choose a long walk instead of the weights and head out into the pre-dawn light.
First one in. Lights off. Decaf made.
I could care more.
This is the kind of level-setting we need in all meetings.
Salad and kombucha and notes on paper.
Maybe it’s the glasses.
What happened to the sun?
The day went by so fast and I don’t think I’ve gotten anything done.
Halibut risotto. Lingua Franca Chardonnay. Decaf Americano and apple-berry crisp.
Just close your eyes.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Two
So cold this morning.
But this workout is making me sweat.
I find the black jeans in her drawer and bring them upstairs to iron for myself.
Today is the fashion show.
Not our circus, not our monkeys. We just come to the tent.
Sushi roll in the parking lot with the windows up while buy a plane ticket.
These days really are my favorite days. And if you can remember that you will have days like this, then you can make it through.
Flowers blowing in the breeze.
I tell them that I love seeing these other sides of the kids…to see another expression of who they are is just the coolest.
Learner. Deliberative. Achiever. Intellection. Individualization.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-One
Another cool, foggy morning. I hear him walk out the front door into the dark as I unroll the mat.
That limp.
Oh, yeah. I can always go for a walk.
Today’s Post-it notes:
“Fall in love with the impact.”
“Better is always the goal.”
“Ten-year visions.”
“What do I daydream about more than anything else?”
Bright poppies. I want to pull them up from the ground and stick them in a paper cup on my desk.
This feels like a trap.
All of a sudden I start to see the bathroom stall door open. Twice in two days. What is wrong with me?
Ouch.
Their advice is the same: Keep it to yourself.
I notice how I feel when I start thinking about the future of this thing. Follow the thread.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty
Thick fog. Soft chatter from the birds.
As soon as I start to sweat, I think about how much time it’s going to take me to do my hair.
Ugh.
I take my lunch and eat it outside while furiously dragging and dropping, but the sun is out and there’s a gentle breeze. Thank goodness for this dirty old picnic bench.
I do a little bit of box breathing before the meeting. This should be a regular practice.
We talk about the importance of giving children opportunities to surprise themselves.
New uni’s….
A little bit of giggling, a little bit of sweating, some high-fives.
This is the “why.”
Module 6: Leadership and Team Dynamics.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Nine
Time to wake up.
So cold for yoga this morning. Should have started that fire.
He says no to the stuffed animals, but I manage to find a few tiny chocolate bunnies.
Begin the focaccia. Begin the mac and cheese. Make an apple crisp.
Hammock and sun. Already wishing for one more day.
Better, but also not.
What would happen if I just ignored this?
Two helpings.
“Who do you want to be known as?”
Eventually, it will all make sense.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Eight
Headaches.
Thick fog touching the treetops.
I forgot to take the quiz.
So cold by the window. Headphones on. Cup after cup of hot tea.
He says something about going to Costco. I groan a little.
Two for two today. Everyone is making free throws, and that makes all the difference.
He stops us and asks us where our team is from. Saint Helena, we say. He searches his mind a bit and then nods his head.
When we get out into these suburbs, the first thing he looks for is a Popeye’s.
There is no one at Costco at 5 pm on a Saturday. Strawberry-Banana smoothie. Arms loaded with plums, carrots, grapes, green beans, and cinnamon rolls.
I don’t even know if we have any eggs or baskets.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Seven
Rest.
I emerge from the shower much, much later than usual. A warm glow in the living room. Quiet.
“You’re not stuck; you’re misaligned.”
I check off the boxes. I feel like a lily in the ocean. These waters are unfamiliar and unwelcome. Where are my still waters?
Speed cleaning before it’s time to leave for her softball game.
A woman who cuts her hair is a woman who is about to change her life. Or who is experiencing hormonal and stress-related thinning?
Perfect weather for sitting in the stands; moderate temperature, a clear and sunny sky, and a light breeze.
I see him warming up in the bullpen on my way back from the bathroom. He only needs three outs.
Headaches.
Wonton soup before bed.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Six
Orienting toward the window.
“Better is always the goal.”
“Think about the impact.”
And to think I almost wore my white blazer.
I am always eating in meetings. But the meetings are always when I should be eating.
I tell her that I should have gone for a walk, meditated for a minute before this meeting.
“Tuberculosis is crazy.”
She says that now, after 3.5 months, she understands why I use a pencil.
Maybe this part of the trail is not a smart idea on leg day.
Tomato soup and grilled cheese. Never really disappoints.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Five
Rest day. Headache day.
Cold enough for a fire.
The big one takes the two of them to school, so the littlest one drags a chair over and eats his croissant in front of the fireplace with me.
Even with the gray skies, so much light.
Teenagers are funny.
Insalata di pollo. But somebody could have chopped the walnuts.
So many words.
Just the two of us for dinner. I tell her that it’s just important to have a goal, any goal. It doesn’t have to be fixed in concrete. But if you don’t try to go somewhere, you’ll end up nowhere.
Nothing has changed.
Ghost Adventures.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Four
No sun.
Another lump.
Something tells me I should just stay home, but I go anyway.
She’s left half the lights off. Just three of us in the quiet. I make a few more cups of decaf for myself and watch my computer update and restart for thirty minutes. I should have just stayed home.
Sun breaking through, but the sky is still white with clouds.
He gives me a giant pill box for five days of antibiotics. I let out a laugh. I hear a giggle from behind his mask.
Clean windows.
Back to shivering in the stands. Hopefully, this is the last time.
She says that he says this makes him feel more confident.
“Your freedom is in your dream.”
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Three
Morning light.
Water. Lots more water.
Tacos and sun and silence.
“Say ‘Bye tio’.”
Rehearsing my explanation for the next email thread.
Girls just want to have fun.
17 going on 13.
Funny how when the power goes out it’s like a snow day and suddenly, none of the rules apply.
I leave the two of them downstairs with their small TV and makeshift beds on the sofa, then light a few candles and take them upstairs to add a glow to the bathroom.
He thinks of it as a way of holding him.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Two
Just the right amount of chill in the air.
Tea and mat. Trying not to stare at the cobwebs on the chandelier.
There is still morning dew on the tall grasses and low bushes along the trail. The sky is bright blue. From here, I can still see the fog lifting down valley.
Hammock time.
Finally, a nice warm night for a baseball game.
I listen to him talk about regenerative agriculture, polyculture, and books, and I think about how much he has to look forward to.
I understand it now.
Smells like hair.
Chicken tinga.
Tomorrow. Back to regular Mondays.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-One
She comes back today.
I take my coffee outside, feel the cool morning air. All the colors are bright.
Typing out quiz answers while we drive to the airport.
I see an old four-square tucked behind large oaks, far off in the distance. A few cows dot the hills. I wonder what family homesteaded this part of the valley, and at what point that family saw the highway cut through their sprawling ranch.
“Allez,” she says to her small children as they exit the elevator. I wonder how five people fit all of their clothes into that one suitcase—though I’ve done it before.
Sweating while stuffing the cushions back into their cases.
Yeah, that’s never happening.
So much sun.
Maybe this could become my new napping space.
Back together again.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty
Walking until I see the sunrise. Blue-gray sky with splashes of orange and pink pushing through.
The greenness of everything.
She asks me questions, I give her answers. I ask myself more questions—questions I already know the answer to. “There is no place for me here.” “Really, I just need to commit.” We draft a plan for the next step.
Two of everything.
I forgot to blur the background so she can see the trees and the tall windows.
No time to clean today.
Outsider.
I remember that this field gets cold, but we just got here and I’m already afraid I didn’t bring enough layers. I can feel the cool breeze curling around my bare ankles. I try to talk myself into being warm.
Big white full moon and sepia-toned field lights.
She comes back tomorrow.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Nine
These weights are heavy. My breathing is loud.
Deep sigh.
Several cups of decaf coffee and probably not enough water.
A campus tour is never as good as it could be when it’s cloudy. But still, not a bad place. Lots of trees. A rock-climbing wall.
We let the two of them walk ahead, side-by-side. They’re talking. Who knows what it’s about, but it doesn’t really matter.
They tell us that our order isn’t ready, and I turn around and say I’m sure it’s not when one car orders 50 nuggets.
Who is not saying the thing?
It’s always about managing up.
He brings it up again, and my feelings about it all resurface once more.
Carrot cake and a cup of decaf.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Eight
Pre-dawn gym drop-off.
On the way to the bathroom, I notice several courtyards between the buildings. I notice all the windows. I think of how good a thing it is that we’ve connected design with health, and that hospitals can be built with so much natural light.
I find my bench in the sun, close my eyes, and lean back.
I needed this day.
I end the meal with a rhubarb pavlova and decaf coffee.
No, I know exactly why.
“We look for people who can earn trust, be adaptable, and have a growth mindset.”
“Spend the first 100 days building trust.”
“Now he’s got to play with two maniacs.”
Nothing works without trust—earned and given.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Seven
Another day to hit the snooze.
Stronger than yesterday.
I zoom in with my camera phone to realize that it’s just an orange cat, a tabby, grooming itself in the morning sun.
I forgot my bag again…this time, the one with the food.
Time is creeping by in this agenda-less meeting. Folding my hands behind my head. Eating cut pineapple because I can’t get more angry. Trying to fix my energy.
I remember that I have tomorrow off, and that brings a little bit of peace.
I wish I were better at faking it. Or do I?
If you can’t laugh, what are you even doing?
What does unreasonable hospitality look like in this situation?
So many ideas and never enough time.