Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. 3:30am on the dot. I knew it would happen. I’m turning into my mother.

2. What are those noises? Probably acorns hitting the roof and the deck.

3. Rolled up yoga mat on the floor. I miss my practice.

4. 5:45am and still so dark; autumn is coming.

5. I draft all of the emails, look at everything again. Today will be a busy day.

6. Phone keeps buzzing. Should turn notifications off.

7. There are many lists and the lists are very long.

8. I take a break and walk down the deck stairs and stand under a tree. Tiny lizard scurries by my toe. Maybe that can be the pet they keep asking for. No. Last thing I need is someone telling me they lost the lizard somewhere in the house.

9. I walk around to the front of the house to catch some sun and lay down on the front the deck with my eyes closed. This will be a good spot on sunny winter days.

10. I do miss the people though. I really do miss my people.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. No rest for the weary.

2. Pine needles falling into my coffee.

3. The morning passes by too quickly; it’s already time to leave.

4. The hospital wi-fi won’t let me look at anything related to alcohol. I laugh. There goes my plan for working while I sit in the parking lot.

5. He says nothing because there is nothing to say. I feel a sense of peace.

6. Dopey.

7. After a whole day of fasting, he’s hungry. I settle for a salad. The others get their usual.

8. Getting better at making peace with mistakes.

9. I really wanted to get those braids done.

10. I keep telling myself that I just need to make it a few more days and then I’ll have time. This is a lie I keep telling myself.

11. They are still awake. Returning to a school schedule is going to be hard. Speaking of school, I still need to register them. Where is the paperwork? To whom do I send it? If he’s distance-learning, does he still have to have the Dtap in order to register? Where can we go get one?

12. Why do all the questions come when what you need most is a quiet mind?

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Brisk. Dress plus sweater.

2. Naysayer coffee with the neighbor’s bread. Perfect match.

3. I tell him we need a new picture for the press release. I make him get dressed and we head down the street. I give him a glass and some dummy wine. I can hear the feet of locals on their walks, getting in some fresh air before the heat and tourists are out again.

4. That was simple enough.

5. Nothing available for at least two months. I get the beds but they will be on the floor for a little while longer.

6. Load after load after load.

7. To braid, or not to braid?

8. Nap.

9. I take her gift of shishitos and blister them in the leftover bacon fat. The kids love them. They say they would be even better fried. I agree. The little one insists that we need to get a deep fryer for shishitos, but also beignets, donuts, fried chicken, and french fries. He’s not wrong.

10. Still so much to do.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-One

1. Yellow gladioli in bloom.

2. Must order beds.

3. Hydrate.

4. Apricot Croissant with toasted slivered almonds. I mean.

5. The drive is windy. Petrified forests. Mark West Quarry.

6. A tiny tree growing from a crack on the side of the road. It has yellow and red and brown leaves. Autumn is coming.

7. There’s a bag hanging from the door. Inside, a little cake and a note from a neighbor that doesn’t even live on our circle. “For your morning coffee.”

8. The three of them try to show me how to use the little pocket knife without cutting myself. I ask her if she knows of any places where my oldest can learn how to shoot a bow. She tells me her father runs the local club and that she can show us on Thursday; she will grab her mom’s bow for him to try. I leave with one knife called “Superbread.” I also leave with an even greater sense that this was 100 percent the right choice.

9. Buster’s BBQ is legit and will go back. Should have gotten 2 slabs. LOLA wines

10. Dinner outside.

11. Maybe it’s time to take a break from the braids.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty

1. Better.

2. Relaxed.

3. The softness of the light as it filters into the room.

4. Leaves on the deck. Evidence that the season is shifting.

5. Nope. Slow down. Their need to rush does not mean that I need to rush.

6. We drive down to the farmer’s market to grab salad greens and leave with 2 heads of local romaine, a fresh baguette, and a wedge of aged goat’s milk cheese. I could spend more time here but I’ve got to get back home.

7. Just being outside.

8. The more I start to settle in, the more relaxed I feel, which means I’m thinking more clearly.

9. Our happy hour lasts for 3 hours and it is one of the best parts of my week.

10. Looking forward to: coffee in the morning, sitting and talking to the trees, picking out a new knife, unpacking more and more and more boxes.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. 6:12. Yes.

2. What a solid night of sleep can do.

3. I did not unpack one box yesterday and that is okay. It is okay.

4. I feel like I’ve always been here. Must be the trees.

5. I do miss the snails.

6. Marking off items one by one. Momentum.

7. The tiny birds that make no noise. They just suddenly appear at your foot, hopping from tree to deck to tree to deck.

8. Who’s going to do my hair?

9. “Your success going forward rests on you changing the way that you think about and speak to yourself.  You’ve come too far to lose your place in your future because of a crippling refusal to change your mind, words.  Daughter, be free of fear...” - Vagabroad Journals

10. He’s not happy about the salmon. It’s his least favorite dish. I don’t care. I can’t wait. One big bite of salmon and risotto.

11. Joy.

12. Just like Roxy to keep us on track for the big vision of things.

13. I listen to them talk and it reminds me to remind them that anything they want to have and achieve is possible. It’s possible.

14. “I am the source of time.” - Gay Hendricks

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. 5:36am. Experiment worked.

2. Soft morning light.

3. Check.

4. I should pay more attention to the weather.

5. Look up at the trees.

6. So incredibly hard to work with no wireless. I can’t get any closer to the window. Trying to do as much as possible before it drops again.

7. He was right, though. This is the work that excites me. Keep chasing that feeling.

8. Sunlight.

9. Tiny Bouganviela petals all huddled together in the neck of the curb. The juxtaposition of paper-thin petals and chipped paint. I can’t help myself.

10. She offers more time and I take it. I am too tired to even try to hustle and get it done. But the longer I take, the longer the list becomes. So many more ideas fill the head. Practice discernment.

11. “Leave room for little luxuries. Leave room for big love. Leave room for the power of pleasure.”

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. 3:36am.

2. Can I please just go back to waking up at 5?

3. This just feels so different, so much more right.

4. I tell him that I was reading my horoscope this morning and it talked about me needing to communicate from a place of power and truth. Oh, yeah. That sounds about right.

5. Skinny squirrels.

6. Waiting for the sun to break through. There is fog. Yes.

7. Pressing against windows to steal wi-fi. That box better come tomorrow.

8. Expanding the idea of what’s possible. If I could, what would I do? What can I do?

9. She brings flowers and chow-chow and tomatoes from her garden. We sit on the back deck and talk. A moment of normalcy.

10. Well, maybe if I just stay up later I won’t wake up at 3:30 in the morning again. I go from box to box to box. Leon Bridges is the only thing I can listen to without wi-fi. I forgot how catchy his music is.

11. When is that issue coming out.

12. I know what to do next.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. 3:00am.

2. So hot.

3. Watching the morning sun light illuminate the valley. Vineyard views before breakfast.

4. Surreal.

5. Just say the thing that needs to be said.

6. Spinach and Feta Croissant. Perfect.

7. Both/And.

8. Just say the thing that needs to be said.

9. I still don’t.

10. It’s hot, even in the shade.

11. He grunts and groans and I can see the silver in his hair and the lines on his face. He tells me that the noises are just a thing he does and that he’s been doing this since he was 19.

12. We should get a tutor.

13. No. It’s not my imagination. This is the very most right thing.

14. She helps me put the hammock together. I remind her that she liked it so much that she forgot about her fear.

15. I feel behind. And yet, I know that I will catch up.

16. 5 years, 1 month, 3 days.

17. “What’s next?”

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. 12:46am

2. 2:25

3. I feel a stab of sadness, then worry over the logistics of everything. Is there even enough time? What else can go?

4. I watch the snails. I envy them. I want to return to that kind of slowness. No, not the slowness, the intentionality. I’ve drifted away from it.

5. It’s his birthday. 9. I tell him this is actually a lucky birthday. He’s the the third kid and he’s 9. 3 cubed. Not to mention it’s also a full moon.

6. What are my optimum conditions?

7. The drive is quick.

8. This really was a good idea.

9. The sun is hot but it feels good. Eyes taking in the expanse of the horizon.

10. Now, the next hill.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Big day.

2. Coffee. Baked potato. A peach.

3. I brew a second pot because one wasn’t enough. It’s been a long time since that happened.

4. I try to push away the overwhelm.

5. The interruptions are prolonging this process. I’ve been in here for 2 hours and I’m still not done.

6. Momentum.

7. I try to remember that this is just stress talking. This is just stress. Remember what is waiting for you on the other side.

8. There is still too much stuff.

9. I tell them that this is the most normal thing we’ve done in a long time. I eat the apple crisp with vanilla ice cream and a caramel drizzle and look at the sky. Toasted pecans really do make a difference. Remembering that seemingly opposing feelings can coexist.

10. We let them watch two episodes of “King of the Hill” with us before we send them off to bed.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. 3:46am. This will be a long day.

2. 4:48am.

3. Almost too cold to have the door open.

4. Black dirt on my hands.

5. The sunrise is reflecting off the windows of the neighbor’s house. Rose-gold light.

6. We find someone to give them haircuts.

7. I tell him that I’ve reached the point of overwhelm where I can’t even think. I just keep walking from room to room, staring around.

8. I need something different.

9. I had said I wasn’t going to help anyone move the furniture but there’s a baby in the car and its crying for its mother and so I tell her to take care of the child. I help her partner load it all into the back of his truck, give them a blanket so that the drawers won’t bang against the glass of the cab. I see in them my self from so many years ago: a young family with a young child trying to make it all work.

10. Tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Thursday.

2. There are so many that I almost can’t decide which ones I should watch. Baby snails on thin blades of grass delight me.

3. One small glass of orange juice, one peach, one plum, a cup of coffee.

4. I’m totally going to spill coffee on these white pants.

5. I feel a little bit of nerves; a little bit of shake. I should really meditate more, return to intentional movement. The way I am feeling anxiety in my body these days has shifted so much.

6. It’s finally here.

7. I wonder if maybe I need to reconsider how I go about things moving forward.

8. Lavender on the forearms.

9. None of this is easy.

10. I’m never going to get to drive this thing. Ha.

11. I tell her that her dad is kinda right. At the end of the day, you still gotta go do what you gotta do to pay your bills and make a life for yourself. Some of this is just not going to go away any time soon. But does that make me sound hopeless? I’ll use Dorothy’s words from that webinar: I am “cautiously optimistic.”

12. 2019 Abott’s Passage Sightline. 80% Chenin Blanc, 20% Verdejo.

13. I listen to my podcast while I take a shower. He gives me a look. I smile. I have always been fascinated by that which cannot be explained.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Dark. Just a little after 5. I can safely say I no longer need an alarm.

2. Sweater and shorts now. 99 degrees later.

3. Another snail casualty.

4. Deciding what goes where into each container.

5. Okay. So, he’s right. Sometimes I task him with the hardest stuff. I just sign the title.

6. I eat the leftover meatloaf outside and watch the butterflies, white and yellow ones. Oranges are starting to turn orange. There are pomelos now, large and deep green.

7. Progress. Definitely not perfect.

8. Follow the thread.

9. The potentiality of everything.

10. You-fall-ogy. That’s how you pronounce it.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty

1. 4:11am.

2. 4:40 am.

3. I don’t think I stepped on any. Well…

4. Empty corners. Blank walls.

5. He says there’s no need to hide it anymore.

6. I pull on the boots. They are still covered with red dust from my visit to Monte Rosso. But, today, just back to Livermore.

7. No masks, no pictures.

8. But, I don’t want another car.

9. I realize that this is my happy place. Walking and listening. Watching—no, seeing. Searching for beauty.

10. Make it look like what the eyes could see.

11. Small bowl of Doritos while talking to the parents. It is very hot. He shows me his phone: 99 degrees.

12. There is no secret, nothing to hide.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Nineteen

1. Thank goodness. I forgot to set the alarm.

2. Coffee. Snails. Cool morning. I can taste autumn. I can’t wait for autumn.

3. It’s not possible for so much sunshine to get old, is it?

4. Who’s doing to see what’s behind me?

5. Back into the swing of things.

6. That is not at all what I was expecting to hear. But I am also not surprised.

7. I scroll to find the Black Food Folks to see what’s on deck for the day. Yes! Therese. Yes MJ and Sicily.

8. Our chats are my favorite parts of the day.

9. He’s right. I am upset about the car not because I will have to replace it, but because of the nostalgia it holds for me. The car in which we brought him home from the hospital. The car that we drove back and forth from Chicago to Kansas City and to New Orleans. The car that holds way more than you think it can. I mean, I don’t want to buy another car. But also, I’m going to miss this car. But also, can you be that upset about getting 178,000 miles out of a car? She treated us well.

10. I remind myself that his feelings and my feelings are really the feelings but the stress. This is just stress.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eighteen

1. Stillness.

2. Wait. Where is my coffee?

3. I dig the contrast of colors: the opaque cream-colored bodies against the wet black earth.

4. I try to maintain my composure.

5. The smell of summer. I am jealous. I still haven’t gone to the beach yet. Maybe I’ll be able to get there before fall. I must.

6. Picking through memories.

7. It’s going to be a long week but a good week. I just need to make a list and keep my wits about me.

8. “Space of infinite possibility.”

9. We split a cold beer. Progress has been made.

10. Klondike bar.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventeen

1. Late, late, late. But it feels good.

2. I hope on to chat with her. We haven’t spoken since May but it feels even longer than that.

3. Cut short.

4. Groceries delayed. What else do we need? There is no steak and no markers. I need the markers.

5. It’s their last practice. I place the blanket under the tree and lay down. They play a game of kickball and toss water balloons and eat pizza. We say goodbye, many of us forever - two families moving away to Arizona. I tell him he was the best coach we’ve ever had for anything. I hope we are able to find someone like him again.

6. We laugh. Nothing wrong with the car after all.

7. We drive home. He’s following me. No more acceleration. Engine noise but it won’t go. I make it over to the shoulder. Never a dull moment.

8. I can’t even be angry. The irony. I laugh to keep from crying. Of course, with everything that is going on, this would happen. Gratitudes: good thing he was still following me, good thing we happen to have the financial resources to pay for a tow and the eventual service, good thing we were almost home.

9. I eat the Early Girls while chatting with my parents.

10. I tell him that, though nothing is perfect, I had a really good life. I got to do and see a lot of things that most people don’t. I need to remember that more.

11. He seems to be coming around.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Sixteen

1. Friday.

2. It’s still so dark out. Wet grass. A whole family of them out in the yard.

3. A chill in the air. I am daydreaming about winter rain already. I don’t think I ever thought I would miss rain as much as I do.

4. Exercises like these excite me.

5. What now?

6. More red Early Girls to harvest. I pop one into my mouth.

7. The hour passes by so quickly. Good thing we set aside the time.

8. Maybe it’s confidence? Maybe it’s a realization that I can lean into trust? Maybe it’s just the energy of this moment?

9. I’ll be sad when stone fruit season is over.

10. He never forgets.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Fifteen

1. I can already sense the shortening of days. The morning light takes a little longer to arrive.

2. But did anyone ask you?

3. And since I didn’t ask, how do I let go of the energy of it and carry it as my own?

4. I worry that maybe I won’t like it because I don’t know if I really remember.

5. Why are my hands shaking? Why am I nervous? I know why I’m nervous.

6. Oddly, not nervous for this. I did not prepare but I think I am saying all of the right things. At least, I’m not pretending. I’m not pretending and that feels right.

7. Bright white.

8. Burger. Fries. Ranch dressing?

9. So much wine. All of it surprising. All of it from Monte Rosso. All of it so well-balanced.

10. Cool breeze through the cabana.

11. She says that her female crews are the best crews because they are fast and immaculate. Of course they are.

12. Is this real life right now?

13. Countdowns.