Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Fourteen

1. Today’s the day.

2. Clear blue sky. Brilliant morning sun.

3. The minutes slip through my fingers.

4. I keep worrying that I have the wrong address but then I remember that she’s the one who sent the invite, therefore, surely the address is right. I mean, she knows where she lives.

5. It’s so much cooler here than where I was before. It almost looks like it could rain. How high up here are we?

6. Old wood.

7. I find myself mostly speechless. Mostly because I’m taking it all in. Overwhelmed.

8. If only I’d had a little bit of her strength even just 5 years ago. She reminds me that it’s important to celebrate the wins. She reminds me that you shouldn’t let anyone keep you from doing anything you want to do.

9. El Molino Central. One of the best shrimp tacos I’ve ever had.

10. The drive back exhausts me.

11. I kneed the pasta dough and for a brief moment, my mind is quiet.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirteen

1. Late. I worry that I will get too used to waking up at 6am.

2. Leftover salmon on a bed of local salad greens. Thick slice of butter. Coffee.

3. I actually don’t mean to be doing this.

4. 13 years. It seems like a lucky number.

5. I take a big glass of water with me, stick my legs in the sun. It is so quiet right now. I close my eyes.

6. That almost felt too easy. Plans excite me. This is only the beginning.

7. She’s drinking tea.

8. Honey-lavender ice cream.

9. The hills look soft, like large golden pillows. I could curl my body to fit into their downy folds, melting into the shadows.

10. Just look at how far we’ve come.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twelve

1. I don’t have to get up.

2. The slow leaking of light into the room.

3. Coffee and a clean kitchen.

4. 9:30 came fast.

5. But really, we have done quite a lot in a very short amount of time and that is fantastic.

6. We watch some kind of cooking competition with Carla Hall while I do her hair before softball. I can tell by the way they are talking that it doesn’t taste any good.

7. Radical Candor. Integrity. Transparency. Passion and patience. What do I have the power to impact? What am I empowered to do? Productive conflict. Uncomfortable silence. Building a culture of trust. What’s the win-win in this situation? Let go to grow. It’s always about people first but people are never at fault. But are we willing to have courageous conversations?

8. Grateful for access to this kind of conversation.

9. I look at the email for 10 minutes and I still spot a typo right after I send it. Recall. Hopefully it is okay.

10. No soup for you.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eleven

1. Why is he up already?

2. Overcast but I know there will be no rain. Only mid-July and I’m already ready for winter.

3. Where to begin?

4. Why are the end pieces always neglected? The crust is the best part. Toast it twice and slather it with a thick pat of salted sweet cream butter and a thin smear of tart homemade Santa Rosa plum jam. I really did move here for the food.

5. One slice of toast is not enough for 3 cups of coffee.

6. Making.

7. I take a jar of water and the latest issue of Paris Review out to the porch, legs out in the sun. I fall asleep in the chair. I should go lay down.

8. What time is it?

9. He keeps trying to reassure me but I don’t think it’s working.

10. He tells me that I’m going to need a break from my staycation. He’s right.

11. Too big for the lap.

12. Ice cream cone?

13. Duolingo.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Ten

1. The little bit of added joy of knowing there is no work to do.

2. I look up and remember that I have a 7am call. Ha.

3. Coffee. I should probably not eat only stone fruit all day but these nectarines.

4. I roll on the lavender and rub in a little bit of her lotion. This sets the tone for the day.

5. When you feel so excited about the work that it doesn’t feel like work. It does, but it doesn’t.

6. Her face. Her laugh. I can’t wait to see her again. Who knows when that will be.

7. Blueberry laychee on crackers and another nectarine. Half a can of Hogwash rosé. Travel & Leisure.

8. I worry that the way I’ve written it will sound rude. No. I’m just clearly stating a boundary. Yet, I am still too concerned with niceness.

9. Nap.

10. Always learning.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Nine

1. Friday. Almost staycation.

2. I let the ceiling fan hypnotize me. The morning light is so soft.

3. The to-do list isn’t getting much shorter but I’m not as scared of it.

4. I almost put face wash on my toothbrush.

5. Back-to-back-to-back.

6. It seems wild to me that I did almost two weeks of work in one week. I am tired.

7. This spreadsheet makes my head hurt but it’s also good to see. Learning.

8. The more I say these things out loud, the more excited I get.

9. Perfect breeze in the shade. I’m already dreaming about fall.

10. I tell them that it doesn’t feel hard when the people you’re working with are genuinely excited about what they’re doing.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eight

1. Lavender.

2. No more bacon. Don’t want a muffin. I settle on an apple. This is one is too cold. I sound like Cinderella.

3. Bon Jovi to start the morning. Toto. Journey.

4. The hours go by so quickly with her. These are the kind of conversations worth having. Future mind.

5. Impromptu call with her which ends up being the best kind of call to have. She tells me that all of this is happening because I’ve been able to tap into that clarity.

6. I’m talking way too fast; I blame it on the coffee.

7. Not really a vacation. Because COVID. Just intentional disconnection.

8. I don’t recognize the phone number but they’re asking me if I want to shadow them while they do fruit thinning. Then I realize who it is. Yes! Yes!

9. This momentum feels good.

10. He’s not thrilled about his birthday being interrupted.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seven

1. Up so late and I am still up so early.

2. Barely half an inch long.

3. I clean the whiteboard and make the lists while I listen to her talk about her screenplay. I already feel better. Maybe I just needed more space.

4. I start with Madeleine Peyroux and then realize that this is not going to get me anywhere today. Let’s go with 90s Smash Hits.

5. Sometimes a little bit of nostalgia does the body good.

6. He says that I look happy, that something has shifted. I blame it on the music. Or, maybe it’s the whiteboard. I just needed to get it all out of my head.

7. I’m trying to maintain my cool. Basically I want to fangirl. I manage to maintain my composure. I’ll get to see her soon!

8. Just help me move on from this, Richard.

9. Do I have the ability to determine what is actually an effective use of my time? Will effort on this task actually generate revenue?

10. I do miss working there.

11. He’s drinking 19 Crimes and we’re drinking Eroica. We tell him to please save the 2012 Beringer Private Reserve. Quarantine can’t last forever.

12. Treehouse.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Six

1. Yep.

2. He’s right. I shouldn’t look at my phone right away. Must get myself an old-fashioned clock.

3. Shoot. I forgot about the little snail on the hose. The Early Girls are turning red. Something is eating the leaves of the tomato plants but I don’t have the energy to investigate.

4. Coffee. They eat donuts, I drink celery juice. Mostly I’m not hungry, which is odd. I am out of sync.

5. Can’t focus.

6. I think I am making mistakes but I also can’t tell because I am confused. No organization.

7. The shifting of language.

8. Maybe, once this is all over, we will get to Hawaii.

9. Cognitive dissonance.

10. I stare at him and the baby in the cart. Mostly I stare I at the baby. I remember when my babies were babies like that. Things were harder, but also simpler. Things are still hard, but not as simple.

11. I knew from the jump she was my kind of people. I tell her I can’t wait to have her over for dinner.

12. It takes at least two years. I get a little excited because, maybe, I am finally finding my community.

13. I tell him to remind me to call them tomorrow. It’s been two days already.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Five

1. I look into my own eyes. What do I see?

2. Feels like a morning for celery juice.

3. I water. No new tomatoes. The okra seems to grow so slowly. I move the bell peppers to a part of the patio that will get some shade. This experiment was a bit of a failure.

4. The snails are moving so slowly today. Maybe the heat?

5. If only I wasn’t so particular.

6. I remind myself that we have a tendency of doing things that don’t make sense to anyone else but us. But that’s okay. I think.

7. Where is everyone? Oh, wait. We are early. But I thought we were going to be late. It’s funny to me, not so much to her.

8. He explains all of the reasons why they are leaving, and for a split second I wonder if we are doing it all wrong. But then again, we do the things that don’t make sense and sometimes it works out for us.

9. She offers to send me a lavender essence to help with the anxiety.

10. He assures me that he’s not going to fail me.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Four

1. Still dark. Still tired. Why am I awake?

2. Blue-gray light of morning.

3. Coffee. I’m not hungry, but if I want to drink this coffee, I need to eat something.

4. This Gala apple tastes sweet.

5. Her face. Seeing her face is so good on this Sunday morning. Yes, more of this, please.

6. I write it all out, give myself a pep talk. I still feel the anxiety. What else can I do to put myself at ease?

7. My bike tires are a little flat but I keep going. It’s already so hot; it’s just now 10am. The scent of jasmine and honeysuckle. I miss doing this. Yes, more of this please.

8. Wash day for her. Tears, but not as many as usual.

9. “You’re afraid of making mistakes, aren’t you?” “Yes.”

10. I think it’s just the sense of privacy and the quiet. I think we can make it work. I just. I can see it.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Three

1. Hot. Already.

2. What is it about a freshly made bed that makes everything seem so better?

3. Why do I make biscuits when no one else eats them? I take a hot one right off the pan and slice it open; a thin pat of butter, a thin smear of plum jam.

4. I thank her for the conversation. I need to have more conversations like these, with people who are asking themselves deeper questions.

5. What would it feel like to do the bare minimum? What is the problem with doing the bare minimum if the minimum is enough?

6. But today I do have time for her to tell me all the things.

7. Go with the gut. Gut says, “treehouse.”

8. Golden hills studded with green tree-tops and black cows. Wide skies.

9. 2017 Moric Blaufränkisch, cheeseburger, duck fat fries, cool breezes, people watching. I like the slowness and the quiet of everything but also know that this kind of slow is not good for anyone’s business.

10. Ruelle-Pertois Blanc de Blancs Grand Cru Brut.

11. I seem to be the only worried about this. But this is not my burden.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Two

1. I keep my eyes closed but try to see how much light is in the room. Still very dark; still too early to get up.

2. I choose the silky shirt for no other reason than it feels good and light and perfect for 100 degrees.

3. Handmade earrings.

4. So many fat, old snails. Wide bodies and big shells. Slow nibbles.

5. I was supposed to journal before I sat down to work. I eat the last bit of cobbler with my coffee. So completely satisfying.

6. Nothing is making any sense.

7. I think back to our conversation and how we talked about the importance of having side projects. It’s been a while since I felt so excited about work. Yes, more of this, please.

8. I listen to him talk and get emotional. These are things I believe in too and it’s a good reminder that there are people out there doing the right thing.

9. Something is wrong.

10. Compassion doesn’t quell the anger or the anxiety.

11. As if you needed confirmation.

12. Choosing to close the door on your own accord because you’re doing the right thing. Hold steady and remember your priorities. Patience. Patience.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & One

1. Sleepy start.

2. Teeny-tiny bodies and shells all over the grass.

3. I wake up and realize that there is actually no rush. There is plenty of time and it will all happen when it’s supposed to happen.

4. Being with small children delight me. I remember my own at that age and how much has changed. The perspective that comes with the passing of time.

5. Sun on the skin.

6. “It’s like someone rifling through your desk.”

7. Take stock.

8. I run the steam mop over the dried-up globs of chocolate ice cream. Tillamook Mudslide, maybe?

9. Dinner might have been too rich: duck fat potatoes and creamed spinach? But so tasty.

10. What would she say? She’d say, “Get clear about what you want. Don’t worry about the how. Just decide and get on with doing it. Look at all that you’ve done so far. The next thing is possible.”

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred

1. Humidity still hanging in the air.

2. Too many tiny snails. I will tread lightly. Sorry to anyone I smush on my trek across the lawn to water the tomatoes.

3. Salad for breakfast.

4. Already in pain and it’s not yet 7 in the morning.

5. Tunnel vision.

6. I worry about the length of time in the car and being away from the desk for so long. It feels like a disruption in my schedule though it’s probably a good idea for me to be out of the house.

7. Yes. Let’s do it.

8. I think it’s starting to sink in.

9. I got them. Got them so good they fell on the floor.

10. “Look closely at the present you are constructing: it should look like the future you are dreaming.” ― Alice Walker

Ten.One Thousand & Ninety—Nine

1. A random vacation day on a Tuesday is a genius idea.

2. Really red tomatoes.

3. I move slowly, like a snail.

4. 100 percent distance learning to start the school year. This is not surprising but it is a little unsettling. School starts in 20 days.

5. A practice in setting boundaries. Clearly communicating needs and expectations.

6. I don’t really know what I’m doing but I’m excited about it.

7. I am reminded that environment does matter to me. I am sensitive to the energy of a space. This space feels good.

8. There are different types of tired. This is the good kind. I tell him that the approved rewrite is a big relief. That today felt good. That I feel more excited than stressed.

9. I laugh. They laugh. We haven’t spoken since Sunday. They are spoiled by my new COVID-communication routine. Sunday was only two days ago. But, what is time?

10. I wish I could have a little bit of his optimism all the time.

Ten.One Thousand & Ninety-Eight

1. It’s still dark. That’s not good.

2. I promise myself to go slow.

3. Leftover salmon and greens with a dollop of butter. I wish the rest of the family was as excited about savory breakfasts as I am.

4. Mirror, mirror, mirror, label.

5. I tell her what I’m thinking is the next thing. She approves. She’s the only one who would understand.

6. I can hear it in the voice. But it’s not as though I really needed any more confirmation.

7. Two phones means accidental double-booking. Didn’t I say I needed to rest?

8. I eat 4 figs while standing in the sun. This feels a little bit like heaven.

9. I drizzle champagne vinegar and olive oil over the tomatoes and feta and realize that it’s 2:03pm and I’m just now eating lunch because even though I know that over-working is a function of capitalism and white supremacy, I haven’t decolonized myself enough just yet. Like, I overworked to compensate for making someone else feel uncomfortable.

10. I work on the edits while sitting in the bleachers. The sun is beating against the back of my neck. Two dogs are barking. This kid is not 6 feet away from me.

11. Who’s going to massage this knot out of my shoulder? I can barely sit in this position anymore without stinging pain.

12. On deadline. I remember when I used to dream of saying that. “I’m on a deadline.”

13. All of this is hard, but so much of it is exactly what I wanted.

Ten.One Thousand & Ninety-Seven

1. No alarm. Just the light filling the room.

2. Cobbler or Raisin Bran?

3. Coffee is weak. Not enough grounds or too much water. You would think that after 3 months of French press we would have figured it out by now. But every coffee is different.

4. We decide on Sebastopol. Will it be worth the drive? Yes. Yes, it will.

5. I can’t wait to meet her in real life. I might consider breaking all of my quarantine rules to hug her.

6. Is it silly that the shape of the hills makes me want to cry? No, it’s not silly at all.

7. Coconut, walnut, raisin tart. Worth $6. I’d pay &10 if it was hot and came with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Everyone here is respectful with the masks.

8. On the corner, 7 protesters with signs: “Black Lives Matter,” “Defund the Police.” We honk our horn and they, and we, raise our fists.

9. The entire wall of windows is covered in BLM signs.

10. A statue: a black hand holding a red heart, at the bottom: “Black Lives Matter.” This little town is surprising me.

11. Which is to say that too much of energy is spent trying to determine where I might feel safe. These visible displays of support are important. I can relax. I just hope they really mean it.

12. Pax Piquette.

13. Still one of my favorite dinners.

14. Still tired, but more aware of what I should be doing in the world.

Ten.One Thousand & Ninety-Six

1. Still groggy. Still tired.

2. He leaves the room but remembers to leave the ocean sounds on so that I can continue to rest. But, I’m already awake.

3. Bright, bright sun.

4. No traffic. Golden-brown hills, blue sky, sagebrush. I still don’t know the proper names of things.

5. More confusion, less clarity.

6. Heading south on 29 I see two Black Lives Matter signs and that makes me feel a little better.

7. He surprises me. He tells us about the local baseball and softball scene. His kids are about the same ages as ours. He’s nice. But this one won’t be it.

8. I slice the peaches and apricots and apriums and cook them in the butter with a little bit of flour and a dash of cinnamon.

9. Food as resistance.

10. Not there yet.

Ten.One Thousand & Ninety-Five

1. Friday? Yes, finally Friday.

2. Cool breeze. The cover for the grill is in the grass. I step carefully to avoid the snails so that I can check on the tomatoes.

3. I am setting the intention to move slowly today.

4. I listen to her speak as I make the bacon and the eggs and finish building out the pages. I’ve missed the softness of her voice.

5. Laundry.

6. We are both feeling the same. For whatever reason, we are both particularly glad that it’s Friday. Both wondering about what will happen next.

7. I give up. I put the puzzle back into the box. Maybe Frida Kahlo will be easier.

8. I grab a thin blanket from the chest and lay down on the bed. King of the Hill. The 8-year-old was supposed to be here. He’s the one that requested snuggle time.

9. I wake up to the sound of him pulling a stick of string cheese out of the wrapper.

10. The 12-year-old suggests that we buy a whole wheel of the Boont Corner. I’m not opposed. 6 oz is never enough. I can just imagine a little piece of it atop a thin cracker and dollop of the plum jam.