Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty
A slice of sprouted grain toast and a slab of butter.
The smell of football laundry.
They saw David Webber’s mom.
The last two homework assignments for the week. Then more reading tomorrow.
“No shenanigans.” He tells me he’s too smart to do dumb things. I know that he’s right.
Another headache.
As we head to the store for the pick-up order, I realize that no one is actually going to be home for dinner. It’s just the two of us.
The three-year-old is playing with a butter knife, clanking it against the table. She’s got one hand in her hair. I can tell that she’s done with the day.
Steak. Asparagus. Sub garlic parmesan fries for scalloped potatoes. Meyer Lemon Ice Box Pie. One glass of Schramsberg Blanc de Blancs. 2019 Schrader RBS To Kalon Cabernet. Decaf coffee.
Thank goodness for a third day. Thinking about adding a fourth.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Nine
TGIF.
Staring up at that ceiling after savasana. Sunlight pouring through the windows.
Why am I wearing heels today?
Yes. It’s always a yes.
No, I understand. I’m just confused about the “why.”
Windows down and Linkin Park up. Blue skies. The perfect weather for playing golf, he says. He’s got his arm out of the window, feeling the wind. It’s 3-something in the afternoon, and I think about how amazing it is to have a little bit more of this time. And this is why I want something to change. Because I want more moments like these.
Why have I never been here before?
A margarita, two Aperol Spritzes, and Dave Webber.
Having to dip early because you have to finish your quiz. And you’ve already had a margarita and two Aperol Spritzes.
I’ve got the best friends.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Eight
Feeling heavy-footed.
It’s 8:30, and I’m still in the bathroom. She asks me why I keep leaving the house so late. I tell her that I think it’s because that’s just how badly I don’t want to leave my house.
Constant headache.
I eat all of the food so it must not be that bad. And it’s even cold. It could be the 2 miles from this morning.
She will be missed.
We set out for our walk and look out into the distance. It looks like it’s raining over there, but we carry on.
A motorcyclist on the side of the road. He looks like he’s taking a break. I watch him step toward the edge and stoop down to pick something up off the ground. It looks like a picture frame.
The elusive third set.
Win!
59 days.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Seven
Rest day.
I start to walk out the front door and realize the deck is wet. Wait. They did say something about rain.
“Alignment meaning: do my thoughts, words, and actions match?”
I think she’s crying. I almost stop to ask if she’s okay, but she’s actively trying to hide her face and look away. I tell myself that if I come back through and she still looks the same, I’ll ask her if she’s okay.
A light lunch.
“What happened to your dear friend?” Insert gut-busting laughter.
I tell the family chat that I’m trying to hurry up and finish my homework so that I can go to the game, too.
At first, I think she doesn’t care if I come, but then she says I can miss Back-to-School Night because I’ve already done it enough. Either she wants me at the game, or she doesn’t want me to talk to her teachers. I’m hoping it’s the former.
Look at all that green. Almost done.
Snoring.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Six
The cool, cool fog. A perfect September morning.
Whatever potential that was there is now gone.
“True wealth begins when you stop apologizing for the space you occupy.”
Meat bees.
Once you’ve had filet mignon, it’s hard to go back to cube steak.
I try to journal at my desk, surrounded by people, just to reset my mind. There is no focus today. Every day feels harder.
All the jokes about death.
“Does she still work here?”
He says he went down to the course by himself to practice short putts and chips. I wonder if he is missing his friends, feeling lonely. I remind myself that this path is his own.
Still five more pages to go.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Five
How would I feel if I didn’t do it? I'd better do it.
It feels a little like fall.
What’s the word? Punchy. I’m feeling punchy. I better stop drinking so much coffee.
Focus.
Perfect weather for an outdoor lunch. Except for the bees who want to eat my shrimp risotto
As we walk back up the hill, I tell them, “Well, yesterday on my family call, my uncle said, ‘Be encouraged.’”
The last two Tootsie Roll pops.
A sports-free night.
Miso-maple chicken with Brussels sprouts and rice. Only four of us talking about the Cubs and their home runs.
How much of it is necessary?
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Four
I really don’t want to get up.
She says it’s her favorite hairstyle she’s seen on me. And she’s been seeing me for six years.
Back in bed writing morning pages and drinking coffee.
Impactful. Creative. Joyful.
Creating containers.
When the headache spreads to your sinuses, and you feel it in your nose and cheek.
Keep it simple.
I know I really want ice cream when I’m willing to get it myself. I did, of course, check first to see if the teenagers were available to do it.
Can’t sleep.
Be encouraged.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Two
TGIF.
Coffee at home.
Calling for a meeting, then not doing any pre-reading for the meeting.
“I mean, it’s not rocket science.”
Fried chicken fried rice with a sweet and sour sauce. 2024 Trefethen Riesling.
You can tell we’re close to the coast by the way the trees have succumbed to the wind.
It’s way less stressful when your kid isn’t the one playing.
He’s a lot funnier than I thought.
The desire to write a strongly worded letter.
Full moon over my shoulder.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-One
Things are different, but have they changed?
Sixty-seven days.
She gives me a referral to a sports med doc. Finally.
Water spilling everywhere and then I go and break the coffee caraffe which means no more coffee for me.
It’s almost laughable.
“Did I make the meeting tense today?”
“When seeking guidance, don't ever listen to the tiny-hearted. Be kind to them, heap them with blessing, cajole them, but do not follow their advice.”― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
Sitting at the tiny desk and taking tickets and narrowly escaping being decapitated by a rogue volleyball. Back at it.
He asks me what was a good part of my day today. I say that it’s leaving work to come watch volleyball.
Too many things.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty
Rest day? Rest day.
My fingers still smell like onions from when I make my lunch.
It’s the longest week. It’s still only Wednesday. If we could just have one more day back to be at home. I like being in my house. I like my friends, but I also really like my house.
Crying over Kitchen Nightmares.
Use all the senses.
“What are you excited about?”
A thrilling third set for the win.
A full-ish moon dangling above the ridge line.
I think I still have one more homework assignment to do.
What am I excited about?
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Nine
Another weird dream. I blame it on stress. Eclipse season?
Big strength, little strength.
Six tiny breakfast sausages in a paper cup.
I really gotta work on my timing in the morning. I can’t get out of here fast enough.
Gratitudes.
There’s something off about their energy today. Disconnected? Aloof? Distracted? Whatever it is, I’m regretting that we’ve added them to these meetings.
Slow down, sir.
Perfect lunch weather. If nothing else, at least there is this.
Not the referral I was hoping for, but at least an order for bloodwork.
Wait. What happened to the chili?
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Eight
So many nightmares lately.
These American bakers are not as talented as the British bakers.
The upside is the cool morning air on my scalp instead of heat building up under the hat.
Maybe faster.
Very rarely does he say something that makes me this… perturbed.
I’ll hit my 10,000 steps today. Thank goodness for the intern.
These views. These views.
She says we work so well off of each other, and she’s so right. We do. And that’s why our work looks so good. Why do they want to tear us apart?
I really need to read.
Should have ordered the ice cream.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Seven
In the dream, we are all squished into seats on a bus, but the bus isn’t moving. It’s like our makeshift office, and it captures exactly what it’s like to sit in the office. And we’re trapped.
I don’t smell any coffee yet.
The “after” is the best part.
Late morning pages and coffee. It still feels cool in the shade, but I can tell the heat is coming.
What is this feeling of dread?
Pulling the pieces together.
“Three words you want to identify your program this season.”
I tell them that I really needed this call; now, I’m feeling inspired.
He looks bigger somehow.
I ask her if my friend sent the flowers. She said no; she bought them for me. I’m doing something right.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Six
At first, I think he’s waking me to tell me something has happened to the big kid. But it’s him; he wants to run up the hill to the hospital.
For some reason, the kid holding the balloon in the mural reminds me of Bobby Hill.
Almost three hours, but back home. I put my pajamas back on and crawl back into bed.
Icy feet.
1 p.m. The whole day gone, but I clearly needed the rest.
Linkin Park, windows open, driving a little faster than I normally would.
He asks if the new hair has made me a new person. I explain that it’s an interesting situation. As I said to them, there’s a difference between choosing to have short hair versus it simply happening to you. But maybe I’ll feel different once it’s all done.
At least, I feel like I’m in a position to move forward with a plan while maintaining some sense of confidence.
I realize that I haven’t eaten all day. I pile my plate with pasta and eat three slices of garlic bread. A glass of low abv Chardonnay.
She says it’s cute. I believe her.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Five
Stretch. Core. Walk.
What’s that rustling in the leaves?
He tells me I can drive his car to work today. I slide in and am so far back, it feels like I’m slipping into the back seat. At least it’s clean.
Coffee in the dark.
Actually. Turns out that it’s nice to work in a quiet and dark office. I’m reminded of the old days in St. Helena when I could get to the office in six minutes and start my day with no one in the building.
He tells me that he’s looking forward to being able to actually wear a hat again.
Finding the shaded portion of the bleachers.
Sometimes, I just need something deeper.
I found someone. I found a little bit of relief.
Les Français.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Four
Progressive load.
I don’t even hear them leave for school, but I know they’re always out the door on time.
That feeling of wanting to help someone but not knowing how.
No shame. I just think, is this how you’d like to be treated?
Vineyard walk after lunch. I know they hate seeing us find ways to inject joy into our days.
What a wild week.What wild weeks. A wild month. A wild summer.
I can’t believe it’s finally Thursday, and I had the first two days of the week off.
Two hot dogs because I know I’m behind on my protein. Looking at the watch to see what time it is. Thank goodness the volleyball game started late. Back to being double-booked. Wait, varsity is best 3 out of 5?
I don’t know what word to use to describe this feeling yet. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything in my current vocabulary.
Should have had her bring home some ice cream.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Three
D-Day.
He’s always sitting outside on his deck in the morning. I think he lives alone; I’ve only ever seen his silhouette in the kitchen. I never wear my contacts on my walk, so I never know if he’s looking at me, so I pretend that I’m so locked in that I don’t notice him.
Moody, fall-like sky.
I’m going to be really late today.
I don’t even recognize myself.
I keep trying to get people to fight the system, but they are too scared.
He sends a TikTok link to the family chat and asks if he can make the dish for dinner. For the whole family? Of course you can.
Where is my car key?
I can’t find it because it isn’t here.
To Reddit, or not to Reddit.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Two
Deep stretch. A little bit of weight. An easy walk. Gray sky.
Morning pages on the back deck as the sun breaks through the fog. Would love to have 3 more days like this.
Wait. Now, I’m confused. Was she imagining it all along? What was real? Or is the point that you don’t really know?
I can do it.
One class is loaded, but not the other, and it’s causing me a lot of anxiety. But at least the work for this one is due on Wednesdays and Fridays. These are the best days of the week for now.
I let him drive.
A big white truck pulled over on the side of the road. Beside it, a man stands at an easel painting the sunset. It makes me smile.
We both agree that “Papercut” is one of our favorite albums of all time.
But I don’t want to do it all, all of the time.
Walking toward.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-One
I didn’t hear the alarm, and now it’s way later than I thought it would be. But maybe it’s okay that I’m missing today's workout.
The youngest two head out first, on time — early even.
The oldest comes down the stairs in his flannel and darn denim, pours himself a big cup of coffee and scoops pear crisp into a bowl. This all feels strange, but also nice.
I picked the wrong two days for PTO.
I don’t like any of the options it’s giving me.
I decide to take a walk around the neighborhood. A leisurely pace. He asks me if I’m exercising; no, just taking a break from the screens. The cool breeze keeps blowing through the back of my shirt-jacket.
This little kitchen project is taking way longer than I thought, but look at all the empty spaces in the drawers and under the cabinets. I’m sure it will all be undone within a month or two.
I think about how this compulsive need to clean the drawers is a reflexive need to feel some kind of control in a season of life where I’m going to lose a whole lot of it.
Jumpscares all over this show. My nerves can’t handle any more.
It’s just that I don’t see what I want.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty
Space.
Who is she? What kind of choices does she make? How does she feel?
Making a list of all the places he might want to go for lunch after this little errand.
Empty hands
The three of us eat our lunch in the shade. It’s busy, but not crazy for a Sunday afternoon. He tells us little stories from his trip to Arizona and Vegas and Zion.
Supervising a car wash.
Something oddly satisfying about the taste of the cheddar and the chicken — “gringo tacos” we call them.
Not listening.
Second season of “Castle Rock.
Hard-boiled eggs, homemade granola, packs of fruit and cheese, pear crisp, protein muffins. Let’s see if I can keep up with this kind of production every week.