Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. Bright burst of sun through the wooden blinds.

2. Cool morning breeze.

3. Counting the eggs again. Five pale blue with brown speckles.

4. I really hope I never get tired of this—of any of this. The colors in the sky, the humped hills and craggy mountains, the bent trees, the spotty cellular service.

5. 7 years. Lucky number 7?

6. Now he gets to put faces to the names.

7. But I don’t eat them. I really don’t. Only when they come off the grill with a good char, dipped in mustard and ketchup. Very elementary.

8. Am I doing too much for this? Maybe. But maybe not.

9. “In a culture of overconsumption, I’m simply choosing to do less of everything. Or rather, I’m choosing what matters. Am I becoming one of them? No. I’m just becoming more me.”

10. 2021 Pax Magik Vineyard Sonoma Coast Syrah.

11. 40.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. Breezy sunny morning.

2. Making meal plans and grocery lists in the car.

3. It feels like the game is moving so slowly. Maybe it’s the constant gust of wind blowing dust against

4. I veto Chipotle and offer Foodshed instead. Italian lemon soda + four-cheese and caramelized onion pizza.

5. Perfect, perfect weather.

6. Gathering self and ideas and dreams. Trying to make all the pieces make sense.

7. A glass of Bollinger.

8. He starts to set down the petit filet in front of me. No sir. I’m the one with the 14-ounce ribeye, thank you very much.

9. Late to the party, but better late than never.

10. Sunset in the valley. Hugged by the silhouetted mountains.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. Ombre sky.

2. My pace is much quicker today. Maybe I’m just happy it’s Friday.

3. Ironic that in an eye doctor’s office, all of the pictures would be crooked.

4. Thirty minutes over time. Landscapers blowing leaves from the deck. He hope he doesn’t accidentally disturb the nest.

5. Per my last email.

6. Oysters and deviled eggs and mini ham sandwiches. I have him add the bourbon caramel sauce alongside the olive oil and sea salt on my buffalo milk soft serve.

7. There is still my cleaning to do.

8. Laugh out loud.

9. What did I expect?

10. On the way home, I think of the Christopher John Rodgers pieces that I have now held in my hands, seen in the flesh for the first time. I think of the high-waisted Dries Van Noten denim wide-leg jeans and the jacket. I think of the woman who wears these clothes, and how, in some ways, I see me. And I remember the importance of fashion in its ability to communicate externally who we are internally. Everything is communication.

11. On the way home, on Yountville Cross Road, the sun is doing its thing, casting its golden light onto everything, making you feel like you are floating in a fantasy.

12. Remember when you once dreamed of this?

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-One

1. TGI-Thursday.

2. The grasses are getting taller and taller. The poppies still closed. The moon is still big and bright and floating over the Mayacamas.

3. I check to see how the eggs are arranged today.

4. The color of the morning light reflecting off the painted pavement. Remember when it was supposed to be temporary?

5. How I miss our daily chats in his office.

6. Craving a walk outside in the sun, but not enough time.

7. No one actually feels like they are winning here, and that’s evident. I ask a maybe too obvious question: “Why exactly are we doing this?”

8. I hear a thud and see the little finch lying on the ground, stunned, shuddering.

9. Wine delivery.

10. Leftovers.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty

1. Slow.

2. I see the silhouette of Mama Bird sitting on the nest.

3. The more and more I learn, the more and more I feel affirmed—clear—that the next right thing will be something that is not this.

4. Considerate.

5. The irony of being late after talking about how much you hate being late.

6. I notice her looking me up and down twice. It’s the socks and the clogs. It’s that she just saw me in work clothes. It’s my work-from-home day. Birks always.

7. Five more days until school begins again. Yikes.

8. What do I need more of? What do I need less of?

9. Last choir concert of the year. Last choir concert for him ever?

10. Considerate - 2. Spirited - 1. Direct - 2.

11. “It’s cliche, but the saying is, ‘the truth will set you free.’”

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. No fog this morning; it’s going to be warmer today.

2. Still five eggs. I can’t help but stand on my toes to count them every time I enter the house.

3. How did I wind up having three hours of meetings back-to-back-to-back? Ten out of ten do not recommend.

4. Just. Use the form.

5. “But. How can we help you?”

6. Keep the aura clean.

7. The truth is that we’ll never really know.

8. I can’t believe I have a manager again.

9. I tell him that I know the feeling. I’m learning how to do it, too. “It took me fifteen years!” He laughs.

10. Make a list.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. The sound of rain dripping onto everything.

2. This really is the last time I’ll need to be in this office for this kind of thing. I tell him that it’s hard to believe my time here is done.

3. The to-do list is long.

4. Half-caff.

5. I feel his worry, and worry for him even more. Something about it doesn’t feel right.

6. Clean your aura?

7. Too many coincidences.

8. I count the eggs again before I open the front door. Still five.

9. He reminds me that he turned out okay in the end.

10. I really want to go to sleep, but I can’t. I’m going to blame it on the half-caff.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. Waking up to the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore.

2. Not quite ready to go. I’d take another day. And another. Maybe next time.

3. Large coffee and a buttermilk glazed. Dropping a tip into the kid’s travel fund. Thinking about my next visit. Next time, I’ll get another Mexican Hot Chocolate.

4. Because I want to be generous. Because I want to invest in the people and places and ideas that I think will bring more beauty into the world.

5. I stare out the window and look at the sky and the water. I think about how lucky I am that I already know I’ll be back.

6. Stairs vacuumed.

7. Now there are five eggs.

8. She did give a disclaimer.

9. So many dreams.

10. But there’s a lot of love. There’s a lot of love.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. No alarm.

2. Hearing the sound of the ocean through the morning fog.

3. Belgian waffle, strawberries, and whipped cream. I promise myself that this is the last day of real coffee.

4. I try to stay back a little bit because I am enjoying eavesdropping on their conversation. The tattooed woman is here getting her Ph.D. in San Francisco, but she’s living in her travel trailer. She pulled up to town and decided this is where she wants to be. The bookstore owner says he felt the same way when he arrived.

5. One collection of Jack Kerouac and one new-to-me collection of short stories by Alice Munro.

6. Every time we come here and walk the beach, we talk through what you would need to fix up the The Grey Whale Inn and run a successful bed and breakfast. How many room nights at what average daily rate? How many employees?

7. Today feels like a good day to get a tattoo.

8. An extra day was a good idea.

9. Agnolotti stuffed with short rib and pork. Blueberry tart. 2018 Pichon Comtesse. Sunlight filters through the leaded glass windows. The people at the table next to us are drinking Corton-Charlemagne and talking about trying to have a baby.

10. More firepit conversation. Watching the sun dip into the ocean.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Slower start today. Slower pace today. I am starting to remember how to read the color of the sky.

2. A “find yourself” kind of Friday.

3. Perfect timing anyway?

4. “Be honest and vulnerable.” Who can learn with me? “Overlap can create faster cohesion.” “Lead with curiosity.”

5. I will not have time to vacuum, and I’m a little distressed about it.

6. This ride gets harder and harder every time. Maybe it’s because I’m always trying to squeeze in just one more email.

7. As he walks up to his second at bat, I yell at him to swing at the first pitch. First pitch. He swings. Single. If only he listened every time.

8. I make over to the softball field just in time to see her second hit—a line drive down the third base line. I love how much she loves her team.

9. Firepit conversations, photoshoot wine, and the sound of the ocean layered between laughs.

10. I forget he and I both have an interest in ghosts and aliens.

11. There’s a full moon out there somewhere.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. First morning light. Relief. Maybe today will be easier.

2. Watching the morning unfold here, right now, I get the magic. But that’s all of this place, all of life, when you choose to look at the world with open eyes.

3. A cookie and a veggie burrito are easy deposits to make.

4. BLT with extra B.

5. But I’m almost already at the trash.

6. Wait. I wasn’t trying to be shady. I was just telling the truth.

7. Wrapped. 40,000 steps in two days.

8. Serendipitous timing: help with unloading and a vase full of flowers.

9. I make it in time to see one at bat. At least I got to sit down.

10. Kale Caesar, water, and a glass of rosé while listening to their giggles. One more game left.

Ten. Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. The first thing I notice is all of the fog, which triggers a little worry about today's plans.

2. Then I remember that I didn’t really tell anyone that I would be in these spaces today. Not a major thing, but not a minor thing, either. Kind of major.

3. Coffee x 2 because this week just requires it.

4. On my way back I spot a snail on the stone stairs—the first one I’ve seen in years, maybe. It brings a smile to my face. What a good little bit of medicine today.

5. At least I’ll get my steps in.

6. When you trust your team, you can relax just a little.

7. I’ve been up since before 5 a.m., too. I’m starting to get a little delirious myself.

8. She did indeed lay an egg in this nest. “Nest as a symbol of home. Nest as a symbol of protection. Nest as a symbol of prosperity. Nest as a symbol of love. Nest as a symbol of growth.”

9. One more day.

10. But still need a little more time.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Earlier and earlier each day.

2. I think of his comments about the wild animals, but push them out of my mind. I know this route. I’ll be just fine.

3. Quick texts to let them know you haven’t forgotten about them.

4. All will be well enough.

5. I take my phone meeting outside for my walk and manage to get in my mile while the breeze runs through my hair.

6. Dusty picnic table.

7. A little bit of Krug.

8. Hitting send on the final assignment for spring and then realizing you have only two weeks before your next class begins.

9. The timing is just not going to work.

10. When the dreams persist, you just trust that they’ll manifest when you’re ready.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Wind.

2. Bits of trees scattered across the pavement and the trail. The sound of the redwoods blowing in the gusts.

3. 118 beats per minute. I’m just drinking water.

4. Just one paper to go.

5. She says that she wants to travel over the summer, but she’s afraid they won’t let her back in.

6. I need more time; there is never enough time.

7. All of this feels right.

8. The last of the meetings.

9. I ought to meditate again.

10. “Starve doubt.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy

1. Stretching into the morning light.

2. Change of plans. Could he? Maybe. But best if I just come along.

3. Always something.

4. I overhear him say that the weather today is exactly what he always imagined California to feel like.

5. One ofthe scouts ask me if I’m getting my work done. “I’m trying.” But I keep having to cross from one side of the field to the other.

6. This is where we’ll see if it clicks.

7. Everytime I tell this story, I get the same response which means I am not the one being unreasonable here. Though it feels like the next steps take me into unreasonable territory.

8. One paper to go.

9. I really should not have had that coffee.

10. This is why you shouldn’t look at your phone right before bed.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. Begin sooner.

2. Slower pace today, but every step counts.

3. I forget that I still have my mouth guard in when I part my lips to say “good morning.”

4. I really want a coffee. A regular one. I settle on a decaf Americano. She gets up from the table to ask me how the team is doing and how she’s sad he will be going to a school that is so much farther away.

5. He said Gott’s is like a park, so that is where we go.

6. Home.

7. One of those games where it just feels hot. And on these lower seats, the speakers feel like they are right above your head, which makes all the walk-up songs ring in your ears.

8. Boo crew.

9. Two short papers to go.

10. Turn off the alarm.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. From the top of the hill I see nothing but silhouettes of trees stacked in

2. No idea what this plant is, but the bloom is awfully pretty.

3. Please, sun. Come out today.

4. Instead of listening to a book on my walk break, I read a document so I’m prepared for the next meeting. But it is only four pages long, which gives me almost four minutes to walk and think of nothing but the sun.

5. The longer it goes on, the less I like it.

6. One quiz, one test, and two short papers to go.

7. These leftover roses from prom keep on giving.

8. She may look like me and sound like me, but she’s definitely funnier than me.

9. In this way, he and I are the same: having difficulties saying what it is that we want.

10. “You become whatever you’re striving for. Your goal shapes your process. Your goal also shapes your personal development and evolution.” — 10x Is Easier Than 2x

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Another misty morning.

2. Reverse the route.

3. Walking without contacts means that every squirrel on the road looks like a large rock.

4. I stop and get decaf because I know there is never any at these kinds of meetings.

5. All my notes are about basketball.

6. Food truck day.

7. Why does it have to be so hard?

8. But, it’s a front, right?

9. Win number 2!

10. “I can. I will. I am.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. The fog is touching the ground.

2. I hear the front door creak open as I grab my leggings and socks. I remember that today is Breakfast Club. I’m glad he can drive himself.

3. This morning, I hear the birds.

4. “Think about it: What's the worst thing that can happen to you if you just totally go for it?”

5. I stop and take pictures of the roses climbing over the fence.

6. Twenty minutes in the sun changes everything.

7. Forgiving, but not forgetting.

8. Will we be here in three years? Me here, and him there, the words repeating.

9. Do we not have any dreams?

10. He doesn’t look so little anymore.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Getting out before the first light.

2. Shorter split time; it’s getting easier and easier.

3. So glad I put those braids back in.

4. The way the morning sun hits the tall dewy grasses and the moss on the builders. All I can hear is my breathing, not even any bird chatter.

5. When the meeting gets moved again, and you’re thoroughly relieved.

6. Showing restraint by not eating during this meeting.

7. Poppies and green canopies and potholes and trucks and a gentle breeze.

8. These little kids are the best part of my Monday.

9. “We’ve lived in California for almost seven years now. I’m not a bandwagon fan, right? I can be a Warriors fan now.”

10. Frog song.