Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Four
I thought my eyes were only closed for a minute, but it’s been 41 minutes.
But the voice coming from the screen is right: I moved the energy.
“Why reach for something you can never fully attain? But it’s also a source of allure. Why not reach for it? The joy is in the pursuit more than the realization. In the end, mastery attracts precisely because mastery eludes.” - Daniel H. Pink, Drive
It feels like an escape.
Fruit and sushi for al fresco lunch with the girls. Basking in the warmth and the sun and the blue skies and the laughter.
She’s visibly nervous.
He asks if he’s seen us before. We have. But we’re not planning on a third time. What happened to that community service?
I tell him that I found my lights.
Numbers creeping upward.
Not ready for hot nights.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Three
Double the weight and extra deep stretch.
Ink on the sleeve.
This morning’s light. Why would I want to be anywhere but home?
Babylon Sisters.
I’ll regret it if I don’t eat my lunch outside, even if it is seventy-something and my lunch is a hot bowl of soup.
More Post-it notes.
“Meaningful achievement depends on lifting one's sights and pushing toward the horizon.” - Drive
I need to remember my whistle next week.
I say that I don’t have dimples, and they both tell me I do. How do I not know this at this age? He says it’s because I don’t smile enough. I hear my brother say through the phone, “That tracks.”
He says he was wondering why I am spending my time doing this on Mondays, but now he understands. It’s because it’s fun for me.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Three
I realize that we forgot to connect, but everyone is still asleep, and last night was a long night, so maybe it’s for the better.
Crisp white oxford and jeans and thick wooly socks.
Groceries ordered, meals planned, still not sure who is going to cook them all.
What to do with these stacks of Post-its?
“The impact of leadership is best judged over time.” - Leaders Eat Last
Categories of identities. That one can prioritize their identities. How we assign identities to others. What identities do we control? Which ones are constructs?
They finish with some hardware. Three out of four isn’t bad.
I finish reading the paragraph and open the sliding glass door. I realize that I didn’t spend any time outside today. And what a beautiful day it was.
Have we missed the window?
It’s never too late.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Two
Take it slow.
Early haircut for one, then back home for coffee and morning pages to organize the day.
Overcast morning, and the soft white light filtering through the house.
Collecting the stacks of Post-its on my desk—notes from audiobooks:
“Affirm your values!”
“PRESENCE + COMMUNITY”
“Time is the greatest revealer of truth.”
“Growth is an output, not a reason for being.”
Lettuce wrap burger and fries with everyone. It’s just a little bit cold, and you can feel a few raindrops here and there.
I bring the library books with me in hopes that maybe, just maybe, I can squeeze a quick trip in before we must go, but there is not enough time. There is never enough time.
Falling asleep in the car. I can’t help but close my eyes. I blame the burger and the workweek.
The sounds of AAU basketball.
It might just be his feet.
“The transformation occurs by operating from a seemingly impossible and imagined future, and takes you in a non-linear and radically different direction and approach that what you (and everyone else) have been doing up to this point.” - 10x is Easier Than 2x
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-One
No regrets.
Where is that foam roller?
Today feels like a day for the kimono.
What did I hear myself say today? What values are currently in alignment? What values are missing?
He simply forgot.
It’s the end of the shoot day, and we suddenly realize that we haven’t eaten anything all day.
It has felt like Friday since Monday. Something about the energy of the week. Frenetic. Frantic. Frenzied.
He changed his walk-up song. The first five seconds countdown from five to one. Number 1.
Sometimes, it’s the accumulation of the little things that send you over the edge.
You could just run away.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty
Is it Friday yet?
Something is different about the light. Ah. They are gone now; no more glow from their deck.
I finish my bracket just in time.
There is something about this that I like. Can I make it a regular part of my routine?
The way I am avoiding my emails these days.
As they relay the story, I feel even more of my energy leave my body. There are two things that give me pause which ultimately lead me to realization that there is no trust. So where do you go from there?
We end with three runs scored. They have it in them.
He says something about a smoked brisket, and I’m a definite yes. “There’s no vegetables,” he says.
The kind of madness you’re looking for in March.
I can’t believe I missed the first day of spring.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Nine
Been too long.
When will holding a down dog feel easier?
Belgian waffle with whipped cream and strawberries, a cup of coffee, and friendship.
Rainy Sundays.
They’ve already done the hardest part; now, here’s a list of what else needs to be done. And it’s a lot.
I can do this instead of complaining. I’ll summon the energy from somewhere deep down.
Syllabus tests.
“…moving toward chosen goals even when it’s emotionally difficult.”
Firewood Fairy.
The time of the night when the frogs are the loudest.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Eight
I find another white oxford and a pair of thick socks. I wonder if I should buy a carton of wood for the fireplace.
8:30 snuck up on me real quick.
Numb fingers again.
From my seat in the upper corner of the stands, I spot someone drinking coffee out of the camping mug I made for donors and gave to volunteers. How cool to see someone using it out in the wild.
I had somehow forgotten how much of a big deal this day is. I watch as the tiny tots run across the field and see the names of teams past: Mustangs, Red Sox, Eagles, Crushers. This is the last year.
She turns around and asks me if I’m the basketball coach. She introduces me to her daughter, who is playing on the 4th-grade team I’ll be helping this spring. I repeat their names in my head so that I don’t forget. The little girl and I both have A names.
We say we want the car and he offers to buy us lunch while he gets the title. He owns the cafe in the square where Jeannette and I would eat lunch before heading to Westerbeck Ranch. I miss the ranch. I don’t want to buy a car. I do want another retreat.
I don’t know any of these parents.
Can I make this fun?
“Aren’t you the parents of that superstar football player?” We laugh.
So interesting to watch these plays—musicals that I watched as a child—with the understanding I have now as an adult.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Seven
Small things done consistently.
So cold. So wet.
I walk out of the bathroom and spot her, out of uniform, in gym class. “Where’s your gym shirt?” I say as she pretends not to see me.
The truth is that there really isn’t much I would change. I want to repeat and refine.
Slow it down.
The first emails for the spring session.
I hear the man say that he cooks every morning and that he’s the kind of person who needs to clean the pan before he eats. Same, sir. Same.
I keep moving these random post-its around my desk. They are full of scribblings from the audiobooks I’ve been listening to over the past few months.
I tell him that I’m done making decisions today.
Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Six
Sore knees and elbows. I decide to listen to my body and rest instead.
Looks like there may be a baseball game after all. I’m going to need a bigger coat.
“The first responsibility of leadership is to tell the truth.”
Trust your gut.
So, we’re all feeling the same thing.
I pop a bag of popcorn on my way out for a snack. I realize that I never got around to eating my lunch—too many meetings.
I fold the letter, put it back in the envelope, and tuck it into my inside coat pocket. Some days, I feel like the luckiest.
The rain stays away long enough to make the game enjoyable—just enough sun to keep the chill away for most of the afternoon.
He says it’s clear from the picture how loving our friendship is.
This was a better idea.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Five
I remember that he has the early practice today, so I must get out of bed.
The rain has started. There’s a thin coating of wet over everything.
I already miss the sun.
The feeling of coming back to an empty house at 8 a.m. to start the day. Coffee and slippers and a an ever-growing list of emergencies to tend to.
The sound of the rain whipping against the glass.
Fried chicken and a glass of 2022 La Pelle Sauvignon Blanc on a very rainy day.
The work is to take what’s in front of you and figure out how you can shape it into something that can feed the need.
Double everything.
They all say how weird it is to see light at 7:30 at night. I say it’s exciting.
No, not Friday yet.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Four
“Fiery yoga.’
First one in the office means I get to keep the lights off for at least a little while longer.
I think about taking a break for a walk outside, but something about today doesn’t feel like it’s going to happen.
As I listen to the book, I see the real live examples playing out in the day-to-day.
Does it feel like there’s no plan? Definitely. I’m pretty certain there isn’t one. It’s just a feeling you get when people are winging it. Is it worse to have a bad plan or no plan at all?
These are not emergencies.
Almost over the fence. “It’s because he doesn’t care,” I whisper out the corner of my mouth.
Tomato soup and grilled cheese.
Sometimes, these kids are amusing. If you let them talk, you learn so much.
So glad tomorrow is Wednesday.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Three
How am I still sweating this early in the morning?
The last thing I expect to see. This little message—it’s giving me anxiety. It feels all too familiar. I try to push it out of my mind.
On the other hand, I’m inspired to write another entry on Substack.
Another class is changing terms, and the semester begins in a week.
Also, how is it already in the middle of March?
Carnitas in the park.
She says no one likes him, but that’s really not that surprising.
Something must be happening today in the NFL because my ESPN alerts are going crazy.
Roasted chicken, creamy kale, olive oil, and garlic couscous. “I don’t usually pat myself on the back,” I say. “But this is a tasty dinner.” Another reason a work-from-home day solves so many of my problems.
At least I got him talking.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Two
Really feeling that hour.
I want to go but know that there is too much to be done at home. And honestly, after yesterday, I probably need a day of cocooning. Then I remember all of the laundry.
You must begin somewhere.
Banging on the windows to stop the woodpeckers from forward progress.
About that laundry.
Was there ever a time when meal planning was fun?
Cornbread and butter.
Thinking about not thinking about work. There will be time for that.
The stands feel crowded, and the faces unfamiliar.
I think this is the fifth baseball/softball game for me this week. Not a complaint. More like a shocking realization.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-One
Early to rise.
It’s cold, but standing here in the sun, I realize that I didn’t need my coat or my gloves. Clear blue sky and a yellow glow over everything
A racing mind.
Remember the simple things.
What I think I need is a nap. It’s the onslaught of questions. Or maybe it’s the to-do list. Or maybe it’s just life in general. But I know I just need a moment alone.
Sunshine sushi in the stands before the game begins. It’s a quiet, easy kind of afternoon.
She’s right; it was a good idea not to get sunflower seeds.
I tell him that the way this is all unfolding feels like poetic justice.
Leadership should be vulnerable.
A little bit of wine while waiting for the pizza order to be finished.
Not realizing that not making a choice is a choice, and then, as a result, you aren’t left with anything that you actually want.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty
Finally Friday.
Which game are we playing? Finite or Infinite?
Trying to catch up many months in just a few hours. Hungry for depth.
The fact that they keep repeating that it will “be fun” most certainly means it will not be fun.
Just get through. Over and through.
They forgot to keep the secret sauce.
Solo drive. Phone call instead of music or a podcast. Watching the landscape change as I drive further and further away. Sometimes, I miss the rolling green hills of the East Bay.
I know that as soon as the sun drops behind the mountain, it will feel like the arctic tundra.
If In ‘n’ Out is involved, she’s going to ride the bus back home.
Watching the sunset in the rearview mirror. West coast sunsets just have a different feel.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Nineteen
I debate whether or not I should get out of bed. I let my knees decide for me. It’s okay to rest. I’ll find another day to work out.
Underdressed? Overdressed?
Thank goodness the sun is out.
Everything is temporary.
I keep looking at my watch and realize that maybe I am thinking about those circles too much.
Flavor and texture.
Just one thing. Just one thing? Maybe that really is the way. But every fiber in my being resists this idea.
It’s been a long time since I’ve walked the trail. The unevenness of it feels foreign beneath my feet. The two big white dogs are barking at me as I make my way back. Spotting blackberry vines and mustard and tall grasses—the sheep should be coming soon.
But, really, we’re running out of time.
Is this about him, or is it about me and what I think his behaviors reflect about me?
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighteen
So cold.
I hear the sound of the garbage truck coming around the corner and pray they remembered to take the trash out.
I throw my robe over my t-shirt and shorts, and we drive off in the dark. I admire his work ethic. Effort over everything.
He tells us stories of what he’s built, the waterfall that used to trickle down the hillside before he covered it, the landscape designer from Florida who called them “old men” unaware that the dirt they were digging was not the same soft soil, how much has changed in the 30-something years he’s been there.
A fox. Camouflage. Fox medicine involves adaptability, cunning, observation, integration, and swiftness of thought and action… Use your cunning nature in a positive way; keep silent about who and what and why you are observing.
Foodtruck Ramen.
Feeling like I need a nap but forcing myself to stay awake instead.
Achy knees.
Instapot chili.
An extra Lego set accidentally ordered as a stocking stuffer while waiting for the big one to get out of my shower. Peace and quiet.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventeen
Sunrise at 6:38 a.m.
I read the headline of the article and begin to put the pieces together. This is what they were talking about. I jump to the worst-case scenario: what would be required in order to survive another round?
Knowing when someone just needs to be heard.
I think they are keeping the lights low for me.
I knew I shouldn’t have filled out that form online.
“Enthusiasm is common. Endurance is rare.” ― Angela Duckworth, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance
The problem with audiobooks is not having the ability to go back and reference all the dog-eared pages, the underlined sentences, the starred quotes. It’s that part of reading and learning that I enjoy.
I remember to bring my long puffer because once the sun goes down, it will be cold.
What are the promises I keep breaking with myself? What are the promises I have kept?
Simmer in gratitude.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixteen
In the dream, everything is quiet; I can’t hear anything.
4,003 minutes.
Pruned vines. New beginnings.
This Monday is Monday-ing.
“Grit depends on a different kind of hope. It rests on the expectation that our own efforts can improve our future. I have a feeling tomorrow will be better is different from I resolve to make tomorrow better. The hope that gritty people have has nothing to do with luck and everything to do with getting up again.” - Angela Duckworth, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance
Should have packed a lunch.
An abnormal day when every desk is occupied, which means I can’t hear my audiobook, and that’s sad.
This trip might be a little more rustic than I initially thought. But I can handle it. Right?
There is value in staying silent.
She was right about the rice krispie treats.