Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. A little longer.

2. Work from home/dentist/open gym attire.

3. I stare out into the valley and watch the fog weave its way through the trees. I try to take a picture with my phone, but I can’t quite capture it. Not everything

4. She’s talking to me but I can’t hear anything. I keep running my hands over my eyes.

5. Nothing he is saying is making it better.

6. Sun shower. Rainbow. Clear skies once again.

7. Just get me out of this chair.

8. This will be good for me. A good dose of endorphins.

9. I let the three of them play against the two of us and my youngest. We still beat them 3 out 3 times.

10. I’m going to feel this in the morning.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. In the first dream, I am in a car and I keep taking left turns, but it’s dark and I can’t see so well and I am crossing over lanes of traffic.

2. In the second dream, I am in a building, running down a long hallway. I kick open a door and it is not the one I’m supposed to be in. I keep running and running and running, opening doors, going nowhere.

3. In the third dream, she is asking me for identification. I keep pulling out different cards. None of them are a picture of me; they are pictures of my grandfather or me and my grandfather.

4. In the fourth dream, I take a group of friends up to an apartment. It was supposed to be a nice time, but instead, the woman I took them to see is acting strange - scary strange. I try to get us out of the apartment. Back on the sidewalk, I apologize over and over again.

5. I get the point.

6. Cool air and the sound of rain. I’ve missed this.

7. I tell her I’m not a flake, but the last year is catching up with me.

8. Party favors finally ordered.

9. Tomato soup, grilled cheese, salad. The comfort of simplicity.

10. Try again tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifty-One

1. I almost do not want to get up. But at least the headache is gone.

2. Tea time.

3. She asks us to set an intention or think of something we are grateful for. I inhale the scent of lemon oil on my hands.

4. Probably should get me some ear pods.

5. Fingers wrapped in foil. I lay my head down and close my eyes. I can’t fall asleep in the nail salon.

6. Color 079.

7. The thing is that it feels like there is no right way, no right place, no right time.

8. Jackhammer.

9. The sound of leaves blowing across the pavement.

10. I start to leave but then remember that I have to stay. For the cheerleading.

11. The front is blowing in. Can’t wait for a rainy Sunday.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Fifty

1. Not a pants kind of day.

2. He asks me if I’m the one who put the can of La Croix in the shower. Teenager.

3. Dress weather.

4. It’s not that I disagree. It’s just that I still have to do this.

5. I am sad that she is leaving me.

6. The beginnings of a migraine.

7. I tell her that it is not that I need to leave, but that I have to get back to boundaries.

8. “Cantadora - (Translation) Storyteller; keeper of the tale; folksinger; mystical feminine”

9. It always feels like such a long drive.

10. Yellow leaves blowing across the road. Fall is coming.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. Morning air.

2. No coffee. No coffee. No coffee.

3. Thirteen years old. Two teenagers in the house.

4. We drive up to Calistoga, through the fog, up the windy road, to go to her favorite bakery. Vanilla iced chai latte, three macarons, a spinach and feta croissant.

5. Always learning something new.

6. I really must finish this.

7. Surprised? Not really. Usually, how one thing starts is how it will end.

8. I try to use my hot spot in the gym to catch up on work before the game begins but nothing is working. I take it as a sign.

9. It continues.

10. After she opens her presents we watch a video from when she was 3 years old, on her birthday, opening presents. Pinky Pie pony and Hello Kitty. Things have changed.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. This is more like it.

2. I’m still confused about what is happening today.

3. Those moments of time where it is just you and the dark and the quiet.

4. What is this really about?

5. Leafblower.

6. Progress?

7. He tells me that I look refreshed. I tell him I decided I needed to go back to working from home more. I had to reprioritize again.

8. But the weather today - that is the real gift.

9. Schramsberg Blanc de Blanc. Truffle fries with parmesan. Olives. Burger - no bun. Polenta Gateau with stone fruit. The company is the best part.

10. Really just waiting for this toenail to fall off.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. What day is it?

2. Is it the day I quit the coffee again? No. Let’s think of something else.

3. The source of the soreness.

4. Lower and lower and lower.

5. It feels busy for a Tuesday.

6. I decide to walk from my office to old reception. I make a pitstop at the gatehouse to reassess. But it is a beautiful day and I need the exercise.

7. Sweet Chili Doritos.

8. A little bit of laughter goes a long way.

9. All things considered…

10. Everything with a grain of salt.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Forty-Six

1. Right on time.

2. But really I do have a choice in all of this.

3. He says it’s been quiet up there.

4. I make a list of the small but important things that must be done.

5. “The clown is the unsocialized self… It’s the person who’s never been told no. What would you be like in your body if you’ve never been told ‘no’ or ‘be quiet’ or ‘sit still’ or ‘you’re too much of this and not enough of that’? If we can get out of that social body, what is left behind is a kind of beautiful playfulness and audacity.” - Jonathan Majors

6. For a few minutes, it feels like the old times.

7. Sometimes what you need is just that one person who speaks a little confidence into you.

8. How did I think this would only be an hour?

9. Two.

10. Small steps.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Forty-Five

1. Blurry eyes.

2. Overcast morning. No red sunrise. Coffee percolating. Leftover garlic knots.

3. Morning yoga. Should not have had the bread.

4. Four baskets of laundry and water and coffee. Overcast skies. Quiet.

5. Wishing time would slow down.

6. He was so tiny. Could fit him in the crook of my arm.

7. I let him tell the story to start because it is that funny. I am laughing so hard that I am crying. But I haven’t heard anything in the attic since that night.

8. The cookies must be in the oven. Scents of baking spice and butter wafting up into the bedroom.

9. If I am going to be working on something, I’m glad it’s this.

10. If I say it out loud enough maybe I’ll believe it, too.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Forty-Four

1. Morning light.

2. Another red sun. Coffee percolating. Waiting for the bacon.

3. The quiet beauty of dead and dying flowers: anemones, roses, dahlias, calla lilies, chocolate cosmos.

4. Saturday football. There are worse ways to spend the day.

5. Always put in a load before you leave.

6. We are right on the field and in the sun. Shorts would have been a better idea. I still don’t know how to dress for the weather.

7. Cool breezes providing relief.

8. I flip over the final page. There is still more work to be done.

9. Pizza for dinner.

10. A day of real rest.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Oh, no. Another one down.

2. Red sunrise. The effects of smoke drifting in from the fires north and east of here.

3. 6am football practice.

4. I tell her all of the things that have brought us to this moment. I listen to the words fall from my mouth. Yes. This is the truth, as wild as it seems.

5. Too much caffeine.

6. Yes, he is definitely sick.

7. Lessons learned.

8. It’s already been two hours.

9. Their reaction is the same as mine and so I feel a little more justified about my feelings.

10. Nothing is that urgent.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Not enough time.

2. He drives him. I stay back and throw a load into the wash and contemplate the day.

3. The light is too good.

4. I’m doing it again and I know I’m doing it again.

5. The sound of helicopters hovering overhead. I keep looking toward the sky and see nothing.

6. But this light.

7. I watch the number on the scale climb. It does not surprise me. I can feel these six pounds.

8. She keeps prefacing everything with a disclaimer: “It’s not that you’re old, you are not old…”

9. It’s almost time.

10. It’s up to me.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Forty-One

1. I broke the streak on accident.

2. Maybe it wasn’t an accident. Maybe it was just what needed to happen on account of everything that was always happening - has been happening - continues to happen.

3. I wonder if the specialness of what was accomplished is now moot.

4. Do I start over again from one?

5. No. I just keep plugging along.

6. It is hot. So very hot. This kind of heat makes you ask yourself all kinds of questions.

7. This kind of heat is revelatory.

8. I rearrange the flowers at the dining room table while he cooks. I tell him about this problem of no poker face. “I just know I looked irritated. And I was.”

9. I set the empty vases outside to dry.

10. It’s okay to begin again.

11. I just really miss creating.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Forty

1. 4:00am.

2. I remember that I need to be there extra early for a call before the call.

3. They’re not even here.

4. I open the window; he thinks I just have the setting wrong. I let him “fix” it. He returns with his infrared thermometer and points it at the vent. He makes a face.

5. I can’t leave.

6. I run downstairs and ask her to bring me back a lunch, too. I start eating potato chips during the call because I can’t hold out any longer.

7. Farmstead for drinks at 4pm? Yes, please.

8. I remind myself that I have Friday off.

9. She asks me where I’ve been. I’ve been quieter than usual. The thing is that there is so much

10. Where has all the time gone?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. I missed a day. How?

2. That was the day of the baseball game, his birthday celebration, four extra kids on that drive into the city. There goes the perfect streak.

3. The worries will fade once the day gets going.

4. Adjustment of expectations.

5. The questions just get bigger and bigger and bigger. The answers heavier.

6. Just enough coffee.

7. Here but not here.

8. Compliments everywhere I go.

9. Pizza for dinner. Root beer floats for his birthday dessert. He sticks a candle in the ice cream. He reads his letter and smiles. That’s something.

10. A shell.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. It sounds like rain. It is rain.

2. The sight of damp wood.

3. All the paperwork. Again.

4. I don’t have to be.

5. I look at her in the eyes. “I know I can’t drive that. I know she is not comfortable driving that. Who can help us?”

6. This is the kind of stuff that gets me excited. I try not to look at my phone and the emails. There will always be time for that.

7. I can sniff it.

8. Too much coffee.

9. Way too much coffee.

10. “I gotta go because the popcorn is popping.”

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. I know I need it most on the days I feel least like doing it.

2. Psyching myself up for the mall. At least there will be pretzels.

3. Trying to address the low vibrations.

4. These jeans are legit. But I leave them on the shelf for another time. This isn’t about me.

5. The mall is weird.

6. Clean, clean, clean.

7. How do I make it happen?

8. “In life, some pain is inevitable. Most suffering is optional.”

9. Popcorn.

10. I read until I get tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. I live for these foggy mornings.

2. I almost wish I could reschedule. Too many emotions this early in the morning.

3. No dogs this time. The walk gets easier and easier, faster and faster.

4. Coffee in the back patio. The sound of the dogs feet in the gravel and the chickens.

5. A small step stool under a peach tree.

6. Good results.

7. Nothing will ever be perfect but it could always be better.

8. A little more anxiety settling in.

9. That is not a good thought to be thinking.

10. No alarm for tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. So glad I took the alarm off.

2. It could be risky to put it on now but why wait?

3. Warm water with lemon.

4. Don’t have to twist my arm for a cup of coffee. And two apricot scones.

5. Chocolate chip cookies.

6. Worth the time.

7. But this…this is not good.

8. In the back of mind I keep hearing him say that it looks like a wedding dress.

9. I keep seeing an image of that giant snake in my mind.

10. When will I take a break?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Cold but not that cold. He is colder than me.

2. Slices of grapefruit on a white plate. I feel my heart rate increase a bit as I drizzle the evoo over it. I sprinkle the Maldon salt. This is the closest I’ve come to cooking in quite some time.

3. I should get that paperwork in.

4. I eat while I cook the hash browns and sausage.

5. I sit in between them and am quite certain that I smell like sausage.

6. Coffee. Should not be having anymore.

7. Done for now.

8. Ah! Another article for the magazine. A sign from the universe.

9. These hours just slip away.

10. He asks me what my goals are. I say two of them and even as I say them they sound so boring and practical and not honest. Earlier today I said I wanted to find The Dreamer in me.