Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Cold.

2. One cup. Just one cup. Can I really have just one?

3. Reminders to self.

4. Caesar salad for breakfast. Orange juice. Coffee. What an odd combination.

5. What is worth fighting for?

6. I stand over the table and quickly read a few pages from the book while I wait for him to finish his smoothie. This is how starved I am for reading. I am not even sitting down. I am still looking at the book as the lower half of my body tries to make its way toward the stairs.

7. It’s only Tuesday?

8. That is not what I wanted to see.

9. I watch it drop onto the deck and then flop through the metal gate-fence and onto the ground. I already know it’s too far for my arm to reach. But I laugh and laugh and laugh. She grabs a long hook for the clothing racks and a small gift bag. He takes the pole and drops the bag onto the ground. Then he manages to flip the phone end-over-end to get it closer to the opening. He manages to push the phone all the way into the bag and then pulls the hook through the loop and lifts it over the edge. Success. I am still laughing.

10. Still.

Ten. One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Already Monday again.

2. It will be easy, just time-consuming.

3. I limit myself to one cup. Just one cup on the white stoneware mug.

4. The office is dark. I hope that doesn’t mean she’s caught COVID.

5. I’ve never been one who enjoyed surprises.

6. “I am the source of time.”

7. I could freak out about it, or I could just sit down and do it.

8. I am almost too tired, too not in the mood. But that changes when I see them sitting out there.

9. But there is something about this time disconnected from responsibility yet present in this real-time with these young women. I am looking forward to the work of the season.

10. The thing is, I can almost always figure it out.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirty-One

1. Almost don’t want to do it.

2. Cool, cool morning. The kind of morning that reminds you that fall is coming. Except for today, it will still be almost 100 degrees.

3. I walk over to him to fix his posture; I find it all amusing. All those limbs and no flexibility.

4. The taste of coffee.

5. Palo santo and glass cleaner.

6. I sit outside and read a book in the quiet, waiting. Just waiting.

7. I stare out the open window as we head south down 29. A moment of perfection and gratitude for the sky and the silhouette of mountains, the trees, the clusters on the vine, the cool air blowing into the car.

8. A little piece of heaven. I would never leave.

9. Pretzel-crusted chicken. Indeed a good choice.

10. Can’t sleep.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Still awake.

2. 3:30am. Eyes finally starting to shut. I wake up twice in a panic from nightmares about work.

3. Still so much to do. And I just need days with nothing.

4. But I can also see the light at the end of the tunnel.

5. The air has a different smell here. It’s as if there is a little bit of salt from the bay being carried by the breeze.

6. Pistachios.

7. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

8. Extra kids in the house.

9. Still so tired.

10. I can make it what I need it to be.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Thirty

1. TGIF.

2. Early morning therapy for the win.

3. We take our usual path. The air is still cool, the sun bright. Quiet morning.

4. Do I feel better? Slightly. Do I think anything will change? Most likely not. I will just adjust, get better at worryinga bout the things that matter more than the things that don’t.

5. What do I want it to be?

6. Tacos and canned wine in the shade.

7. Wilting flowers.

8. I do have what I need.

9. They talk about the fire and the fear and what they could and could not do. I play back those 24 hours. Using the flashlight on my cellphone to navigate the hallway of the hotel. That feeling of ash getting in my eyes. Going into the grocery story to buy fruit and muffins. The mental exhaustion. Sitting in the heat while waiting for our rooms. That was two years ago? Feels like forever and also yesterday.

10. The view is beautiful. A cool, gentle breeze skims the skin. Good wine, lots of water. I taste everything, notice all of the flavors. I watch everyone else take a picture and remind myself of how amazing it is that I get to live here.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. Cool, cool morning.

2. We get in the car and both have goosebumps on our skin.

3. This one feels different. Less forced, maybe?

4. It’s good to have her back.

5. I bring the laptop into the car and type away as I sit. In the distance, I hear whistles and clapping and voices. It is still cool enough to have the windows down.

6. Comfort.

7. I see my face on the screen and I am trying to fix it, but I can’t. Maybe because I am just tired.

8. Breathe.

9. Fifteen years.

10. Always so delicious.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. No OJ.

2. I like these mornings when he wakes himself up.

3. It almost feels passive-aggressive.

4. He asks me how my day is going. The headache is slowing me down.

5. Alone in the office, I have an epiphany of sorts. I remind myself that I can only control so many things. I can only adjust my expectations.

6. As we talk, I feel my curiosity rising. That is what has been missing: curiosity, creativity, enthusiasm.

7. Remember to daydream.

8. He apologizes to me again for being too personal. I tell him that there is no need to apologize, that at least he spoke to a person who understands, that I’m glad he’s got a good support system.

9. Two out of three.

10. Can’t sleep.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Work from home day.

2. Actually. It’s not a home day.

3. He takes me through the garden, tells me about the melons and blackberries, the light crop of tomatoes, veraison, trellising. It’s his excitement about the cover crop of Sorghum Sudangrass that gets me excited too. I miss being outside.

4. We both agree that the wine is legit.

5. He tells me to take an apple from the tree. Buckeye Galas. He says there’s nothing else like them. I snap a picture of one and then pluck it from the tree.

6. They say nothing which says everything.

7. We eat and she tells me things and I tell her things and she asks me questions that I can’t answer and then there are the things we both know.

8. I know what that means.

9. Maybe.

10. Comfortable.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. 4:05am.

2. I can move slowly, but I do need to be deliberate.

3. Fog is not so heavy this morning.

4. I sit with him while I wait, talk about work and life and laugh a bit.

5. Why can’t I find what I’m looking for?

6. Today is not going to go as I intended.

7. But at least everything is so beautiful.

8. Tired.

9. Two of them still want to come. I tell them I will be there.

10. He says that he doesn’t know why he’s telling me what he’s telling me but he’s going to tell me anyway.

11. The thing is that we always have fun; if only they would remember this. If they had just come, they would have had a good time.

12. So sore. So sweaty.

13. Almost right.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. The dog will not stop barking. I try to ignore it, but I can’t. So I close the windows and pray that the stops soon.

2. Is there even a point? No. But I do still need to work on a plan.

3. Homemade oat milk steamer while I stare out into the trees.

4. More work to do.

5. I keep looking at my phone; this is why I always turn it off.

6. It’s hot. Really hot.

7. Maybe we should have asked to stay inside.

8. I get the same thing as last time which feels kind of ridiculous but why mess around?

9. Ice cream.

10. So tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Fog.

2. I start to break out in a sweat so I open the door just a little bit, stare up at the cobwebs.

3. Craving coffee.

4. I make my rounds through all of the spaces. What is it about the vertical stripes in the carpet made by the vacuum cleaner?

5. I just need to settle in. I’ve got to stop thinking about what is next without feeling rooted in what is now.

6. “Beringer Room.” I set down my books and walk in, discover a series of interviews from the 1980s. I make a note to return some other time when maybe I can photocopy the pages.

7. So, so hot.

8. But I still can’t remember the last time I felt pure joy.

9. I keep dozing off in the chair. She asks me if I am tired. I am so very tired. She thanks me for my patience.

10. These faces. How they’ve changed and yet how they are the same. So much changes in a year.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Friday.

2. I make a plan to do the most essential things first.

3. “I don’t know about levelheaded. I almost cried in the shower.”

4. She asks me if I am prioritizing self-care, and how I’m prioritizing self-care. Tells me that my answers are not very good.

5. I take a look at the list and decide that I will figure it out, even if it’s just line by line.

6. I tell her that I have been wondering if I am just trying too hard, asking too many questions. Maybe I should just be quiet and keep myself out of everything.

7. She’s leaving, but she will be back. I’m glad she was here when all of this went down.

8. Just…

9. Nothing has been easy, but we’ll figure it out.

10. Can I just let myself settle in?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Early, but not as early.

2. Feet on cold tile.

3. Exactly what I was afraid of.

4. I give in an ask her for a chai latte. My first little bit of caffeine in a month.

5. It is so quiet in here you can hear a pin drop. I wonder if it’s because of who is in the room. It is not exactly a safe space.

6. Some progress.

7. At least we have a plan now.

8. The sun is beating down on my face but that isn’t the only thing making me sweat.

9. I tell her that I need a chocolate.

10. I head straight into the shower. Think through all that transpired. Wonder if I am the cause of my own discomfort. Did I bring it upon myself? Am I trying too hard? Should I just sit in my corner and be quiet?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. 1:53 am.

2. I try to tell myself not to panic because if I panic, then I won’t be able to sleep. I try to slow my breathing and listen to the sounds of the waves.

3. 3:26 am. I’m toast.

4. Well, that was a surprise.

5. Full day.

6. I stuff the coffee cake into my mouth before heading out the door. Wishing I had coffee. I’ll drink tea at the office instead.

7. The dressing is surprisingly good.

8. “It’s okay,” I say. “People always tell me things.”

9. Perfect weather. California weather. Gratitudes.

10. I don’t think anything got done today.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Unreasonably tired.

2. This should work for today.

3. This will not work for today.

4. What I want is coffee. What I get is tea.

5. Her keyboard. Well, that’s one way to add a little bit of beauty in your day.

6. If I have to hear about these one more time…

7. I’m glad she’s here.

8. It’s not my fault that I don’t know anything. It’s really not my fault.

9. But at least I know we’re on the same page.

10. I probably shouldn’t have taken it.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Twenty

1. Monday.

2. July is going to be a hard month.

3. I glance at my calendar for the day. Looks like a work-from-home day.

4. I accidentally wake him too early.

5. Craving coffee. A proper breakfast.

6. I am not holding my breath.

7. Gott’s for a milkshake. I bring both phones and a computer to work while we sit. At least I can do this.

8. I don’t even know where to begin.

9. Would have liked to see more, but I’ll take what we can get. I tell her that this is going to take time. It’s just different here.

10. Barely hungry.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Nineteen

1. I shouldn’t be getting up this early.

2. Leftover garlic bread instead.

3. Honestly, it just feels like a crapshoot.

4. I break down the rest of the boxes and pile up the packing materials. Already so much better. Getting there. Getting there.

5. Probably should have gone grocery shopping.

6. Melted cheddar on the BLT. Not mad about it.

7. So hot.

8. That’s a way to start a game.

9. That’s a way to lose a game.

10. Aperol spritzes as the sun goes down. Living for these long summer nights.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Eighteen

1. But I’m just going to lay here a little longer.

2. I think about how long it will take me to get ready. I think I can stay here for 30 more minutes.

3. I really gotta do my hair.

4. My triceps hurt. Everything is tight. I try not to let that distract me from breathing.

5. I really need to do my hair.

6. Fingers cramping.

7. I realize that if we win tomorrow, then I have to cancel my open gym.

8. I tell her that I didn’t think she’d want pasta again because she’d had it the last two times she stayed with us. But at least it’s easy.

9. Another long day tomorrow. But it will be fun.

10. When will I stop feeling tired?

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Seventeen

1. Donuts this morning.

2. He changes his mind. He will go after all.

3. I make the draft of the email quickly, let her know that I’m going on a walk but will be back soon.

4. These kinds of walks are what make me want to live on the valley floor. It reminds me of when we lived in Naperville and I would walk and walk and walk.

5. I keep waiting for something that will probably never come.

6. Adjust expectations.

7. Oh, no.

8. Snacks for the game.

9. “I feel like I’m in Kelseyville at Carpy Gang game.”

10. Two-strike hitter.

11. Were we ready for it to be over? Yes. But I’m sure glad we won, just so we could stick it to those awful fans.

Ten.One Thousand, Eight Hundred & Sixteen

1. 3:00am. Oh, boy. I know how this is going to go.

2. I am still up, listening to the loud chatter of birds that happens right before daybreak.

3. Are my expectations unrealistic? Have I been tricked by culture? What is my role in this?

4. Low and thick fog. Makes me want to go back to sleep.

5. “The goal today is to have no expectations.”

6. Oatmilk steamer and a green juice and a crustless quiche. The line at The Station is short today.

7. Remember when this would have been something I only did on vacation? I live where other people want to vacation.

8. We all have this one thing in common.

9. The only way I’ll see her is if I go there.

10. But at least we accomplished something.