Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. Sore sides. That’s right; we did some ab work yesterday.

2. Hot coffee in the small cup, more hot coffee in the to-go so that I can refill without having to go back downstairs.

3. Crows. Life magic; the mystery of creation; destiny, personal transformation, alchemy.

4. I make the meal plan as he drives us down the trail. My stomach starts to turn. So many bumps and curves.

5. Number one: No.

6. This one feels special. It could be the freshness of the white paint, the little bridges, the feeling of space. It feels good. Except for the water part.

7. We stand in the basement and ask them to score them on a scale of one to ten. The responses surprise me.

8. Ninety-three minutes later.

9. Are we rushing? Is it the best choice for right now? What makes the most sense? What feels right?

10. What feels easy isn’t always what is best.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Waiting for daybreak.

2. Where’s the small cup?

3. Waffle with melted butter and homemade fig jam.

4. New challenges. Breath. Focus. Only going as far as I want to go because Ease is a valid choice.

5. This feels good.

6. It feels extra quiet today. No chainsaws. That must be it.

7. White poppies.

8. I want to not feel the way I am feeling.

9. Hanger steak? Hanger steak. Gattinara. Potatoes. Brussel sprouts. We turn on the car and then watch the lights go out in the grocery store.

10. The power is out here, too. We put the groceries away and then walk to the post office. It is quiet. I hear the hum of their whole-house generator. A breeze blows through and dried pine needles fall in front of our feet. “Now it feels like fire season,” I say.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighty

1. The days are getting shorter again.

2. More water.

3. Virtual book club. I love that we take it chapter by chapter. I love that, at least in this moment, it feels as though we are sitting together in a shared space.

4. I sit in the sun. A surprise encounter.

5. We pick the table toward the back in front of a wall of greenery.

6. We decide that we still get to celebrate.

7. Keep practicing non-attachment.

8. The coach keeps reminding the kids to go to be early, stay off the video games at night, drink lots of water. The boys are tired.

9. A wave of nostalgia at the setting sun and the sound of cleats on the pavement.

10. I take my time today because this is what I miss most. Arugula salad with peaches and goat cheese. Baked macaroni and cheese. Grilled pork tenderloin. 2018 Lioco Sonoma Coast Laguna Pinot Noir.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. Coffee in the car.

2. A murder of hot air balloons. Can you call them that? A group of hot air balloons to the west. Maybe in this year of being brave I will finally put myself in one. Note to self: ask Chevonne.

3. The beauty and the light and the quiet.

4. “When you know
   That you're finally home
   And that long stretch of road
   Falls behind that light”

5. We are not all having the same experience.

6. Oy.

7. When you can’t remember if the last time you saw someone was on Zoom, Instagram, or in real life.

8. So hot. Two-for-one ice cream sale.

9. I catch him after practice and I hope that it isn’t weird, but I feel the need to thank him in person.

10. The conversation goes better than I thought it would.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. Today.

2. Not enough sugar for muffins, but just enough for scones.

3. We run through the day because all of a sudden it seems like there is so much more to do today.

4. We ask her questions and then she asks us questions and then we learn something new that will make life easier for everyone.

5. They said it rained. I did not see it.

6. I listen to her talk. I’m trying to take notes but I’m distracted by the three butterflies that are fluttering by.

7. They are right. The place does have a feeling to it.

8. It really was one of the most interesting conversations I’ve had in a long time.

9. We don’t often see ourselves the way others see us.

10. No attachment.

11. So, so, so, so tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. Chilly. I like it.

2. I think of how I told him that I’ve gotten used to the weight of the blanket and now I feel like I need another one on top of this one. And how we joked that I would probably squish myself to death because I’d always want more and more and more.

3. I am always wanting more.

4. She tells me to come park down by her Audi. But there are three of them in the driveway. I laugh.

5. These stories don’t match up. But they never do.

6. Hot in the sun. The fog burned off faster than I thought it would. Dusty boots. This is my happy place.

7. We make the drive to get white tees. “I wish there was a Target closer to us.” “Well, that’s small-town life, I guess.” “Or at least some kind of store where you could buy a shirt.” I laugh.

8. We chat with the owners of the pizza shop. They are going on vacation soon. We walk to Legit and get a glass of wine while the pizzas cook. We sit on the bench and drink the wine. “This is kind of what I imagined for us living here. I mean, all the hard things it took to get here…it was worth it.”

9. He's very talkative. That’s a good sign.

10. Coconut popsicle?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. Up late again. Maybe I could get used to this? Maybe, I shouldn’t.

2. I tell him about the bad dream that woke me up. “It was going downhill real fast and I needed to get out of it.”

3. Leftover cobbler and coffee. I use restraint and forego the ice cream.

4. Hammock plus coffee plus journal.

5. The helicopters are back.

6. An opportunity for the right person. I am not the right person.

7. Forgot the tortillas.

8. A four-bottle night, she says.

9. ”Don’t start any lives, don’t take any lives.”

10. I’m sad. Usually I am the one doing the leaving.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. The first bit of golden light.

2. Cereal and water and coffee.

3. We head to the peach stand first. She tells us which peaches are available for today. We talk about ways to eat them. I tell her about the roasted peach with maple nut crumble and cream that I just ate at the CIA not too long ago. She wants to keep talking but more people are coming to the stand. Esther is her name. The money from the sale of the peaches goes back to the farm to help it convert to organics, she says through the open car window.

4. Helicopters overhead. Circling and circling and circling.

5. I do like it here.

6. I tell him about threes. I know he thinks it’s silly.

7. Someone nominated me?

8. Quiet but for the buzz of the flies. The air is still. It is quiet. I look for the swan. How much longer can it stay with the water continually receding?

9. Olivia Brion Tempranillo with the grilled pork.

10. Peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream. I squeeze a little caramel sauce on the side. I hope there is still some left when I wake up tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Slowly.

2. Can’t find my headphones.

3. Man, these triceps are burning today. Man, I really need these spiderwebs out of here.

4. We laugh about how they just don’t get it. That we know things can just work out.

5. I waited to answer the questions because I wanted to think more deeply about them. Maybe I’m thinking too hard.

6. Oh, there are other people on this list.

7. I remind myself that they will be back. That a year is long but also short. They will be back.

8. Hot but I refuse to go inside.

9. I read a poem and say a few words. I am rusty. It’s been too long.

10. I tell him that it was strange to be the one at the table with the most years under her belt. I am young, but also old.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Still a little dark.

2. The soft gray light of these foggy mornings. The quiet.

3. Still so hungry.

4. I tell him about the video. I realize that I am still looking for outside validation for this personal experience. It doesn’t matter anymore. I know the truth.

5. The sound of chainsaws is like white noise these days.

6. The crash is so loud that all three of us appear from our separate spaces to look outside.

7. Golden strands of sap seeping from the open wounds of the trees.

8. Hammock. I bring both books. I remember that I told her I needed space to daydream. I position myself so that I am half in the sun, half in the shade.

9. Sometimes, all you can do is laugh.

10. The only person you can control is yourself.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Which is more powerful?

2. Out of coffee.

3. Avocado toast and coffee in the sun. I like coming to this town because it reminds me of our life before this was our life.

4. She says things that I have already been thinking, but have not given voice to, and I take that as a sign.

5. Two days.

6. Lunch. Just the three of us. The teen is talking, too, and that make it an especially good time.

7. La Selva Sangiovese Bianca.

8. So tired. All of those late nights with baseball are finally catching up to me.

9. The busser overhears me say that I want the recipe for the crumble. He asks me if I’d like for him to ask the chef. He returns with a long slip of receipt paper with the handwritten recipe.

10. Fourteen years. Look how far we’ve come.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-One

1. What even is today?

2. He asks me what’s wrong. Oh, my clothes. I’m cleaning today.

3. He spots a fox.

4. I move slowly through each room, giggling at the podcast, wiping dust off the baseboards.

5. It’s cool in the shade. And quiet. I head out behind the vineyard to see if there’s anything worth capturing. There always is.

6. Why is this even happening?

7. Too much energy spent focusing on what is/was and not enough energy on a solution.

8. Laundry. Again.

9. I take a glass of wine and a book out to the hammock while he watches game 6. Gentle breeze. The caw of the crows. A butterfly floats by my face.

10. What you focus on expands.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy

1. Can I go back to sleep?

2. Too much light coming through the window. Must get up.

3. Morning meditation while brushing my teeth. I laugh to myself. I’m not even listening to the meditation because I’m already thinking about all of the things that need to be done. Maybe the mistake is trying to listen while brushing my teeth.

4. Dried flowers everywhere.

5. Dua Lipa and 90s R&B to get through the work.

6. I intended to hold it, but five minutes in, and I’ve completely lost it.

7. They do soft toss on the deck, which sounds like a broken window just waiting to happen.

8. Ceviche and chips and salsa and a Paloma before the game.

9. So close. So close. But it’s over. I have a headache from yelling.

10. But football starts on Monday.

11. Gosh, I really need to clean.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. No alarm.

2. I finish my multi-grain cheerios while she talks.

3. I sometimes get distracted by the beauty of her red hair.

4. All of this is easier right now and I’m so grateful for it.

5. I stop myself from making it harder than it needs to be.

6. Hammock. Journal. Water. The quiet.

7. Creamy spinach pasta. Baked salmon brushed with Salute Santé Lemon-infused Grapeseed Oil, sprinkled with dill. Short glass of Pinot Noir before we head to the game.

8. I stare out the window. Will this ever get old? I don’t think it will.

9. I might be more nervous than they are.

10. I miss the last three strikeouts while going to the bathroom. Another win. Back tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Hungry tummy.

2. “The manifestation of my dream is slowing me down, so I’m going to go dream it a little more.”

3. So early.

4. I should be writing but instead I’m reading about writing.

5. The drive is quiet. I hear the click of my fingers on the keyboard, watch the shape of the horizon change.

6. Game time.

7. I think back to her question in the text yesterday: “No adult backlash to their silent protest?”

8. Bases loaded. Two outs. Hard hit out to left field. He got it. Game over. But I’m not mad about it. We can beat anyone. We can beat anyone.

9. Finished. Not perfect. But finished.

10. I sit and eat all the chips on the plate. Been a while since I felt out of place.

11. He shows us a footprint of a bear and then the capture from his cam. And then a capture of a mountain lion. They do exist.

12. It was a good idea to come after all.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. I crack open the door to let in the cool air and the sound of the birds.

2. Hot coffee.

3. There is much to be done that I don’t want to do. I recognize this phase. It is just Overwhelm. I’m the one that got myself here.

4. What needs to change?

5. Stretched and challenged.

6. One down, three more to go before the end of the month.

7. This feels harder than it should.

8. It’s like we’ve been friends for a really long time.

9. As they say, when it starts to feel too hard, just go take a nap.

10. “Remember, you have a choice about what conversations you are willing to have with others.” - Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. 4:00am. I want to go back to sleep, but I know I won’t.

2. I missed the fog.

3. Today feels like a good day for a full pot of coffee.

4. Gratitude.

5. He says my poker face was really bad today.

6. Too many tacos, if that’s such a thing.

7. Boy, am I procrastinating today.

8. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about today’s game.

9. We sit in the car, so I have wi-fi to keep writing, but then we just talk about hypothetical situations, and I do not reach the goal before the game, but maybe it was a fruitful conversation.

10. A win. A lost voice. Another late night.

11. After July, some things have to change.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Last day. Not ready.

2. I stare at the thin strips of white light and wish for time to slow itself.

3. Contrast.

4. I drink the coffee slowly and make a mental list of what needs to be done.

5. I sit down in the sun and take off my sweater. I look around at the trees. I feel like I’m much further away from home than I really am, and I am grateful for that.

6. A picture of half-smiling pre-teens and one more round of hugs before we leave.

7. Knowing that you will see them again, most likely sooner than later.

8. One article outline and a solid rough draft complete before we get onto Jameson Canyon.

9. We always talk while I run my items through the check-out lane. She reminds me to slow down, to make time for those kinds of small and meaningful interactions.

10. We listen to my uncle’s live show on the way to batting practice. He asks me if that is his uncle too. Yes, of course. He asks if he’s famous. I laugh. In his circle, he is well-known and appreciated and he knows a lot of people who do amazing things.

11. I get there early to read. A breeze blowing through open windows. The thwack of a bat connecting with a ball. The sound of a whistle in the distance. Reminders to drink lots of water and to do not swim before the game.

12. Acknowledgment. Now, to work toward a resolution.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Thin slice of morning light through the curtain.

2. Getting dressed in the dark.

3. The coffee is weak. We wait for him to wake so we can find something better.

4. Unexpectedly charming. Next time, we will spend more time here.

5. Hot sand.

6. The water is so cold.

7. I eat a pb & j. It brings me delight. I haven’t had one in at least ten years. I push the bread off the roof of my mouth with my tongue and stare out towards the water.

8. Time has slowed down.

9. I watch the waves, try to read the water, try to remember what its movements mean.

10. This is why I came here.

11. There is still so much fear. I don’t want to feel that anymore.

12. He wants to stay. I say that there isn’t time; he has more baseball and I have so much work to do. “Isn’t that what vacation days are for?” he asks. “It just doesn’t always work out that way,” I reply as he turns away.

13. Dinner cobbled together. Just enough to feel satisfied.

14. There is much work to be done. I try not to think about it.

Ten.One Thousand,Four Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Up before sunrise.

2. Quick detour to Buttercream for coffee and donuts before we make our way. “This tastes like diner coffee,” I say. I’m not mad about it.

3. The kids are all asleep. I watch the colors of the landscape change as the sun rises.

4. Quiet.

5. I text her that I was today years old when I learned that the Donner party ended their journey in California. “I think I mixed it up with the Mormons,” I say. Learn something new every day.

6. My ears are popping. We agree that this reminds me of us of Colorado.

7. Familiar faces.

8. First bear sighting.

9. Happy Hour boat tour. Can’t get over how blue the water is. How beautiful the water is.

10. What is happening here?

11. Wine and cheese and figs and stories.

12. “Bear!” the kids yell from the hot tub.

13. Bear cub tries to open up our car door then moves to the neighbor’s house, ripping the screen, before he comes outside to tell him to get. The cub runs off into the distance.