Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Early.

2. Breakfast sausage and hash browns. Who drank all the orange juice?

3. Facebook video chats with good friends. Both of us drinking coffee. Both of us entering new chapters.

4. So much laundry.

5. Never not in awe of the changing landscape.

6. So much beauty everywhere. Flowers. Chardonnay. Fleur Sauvage Meyer Lemon chocolate. Hog Island Oysters. More Chardonnay. Pinot Noir. Seeking shade. Great conversations.

7. More laundry.

8. More comfortable shoes this time.

9. I like it here. A lot.

10. So, so excited.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Feels like a white jean kind of day.

2. What’s that big brown thing walking towards the road? I slow down. Cow! Big brown cow!

3. Ham and cheese croissant. Drip coffee. She tells me she used to be in orchestra in school, and a group of them are gathering today for a barbeque in Richmond. “Only 75 degrees there today.”

4. She glows even more in person than she does through the screen.

5. What happened here?

6. “You look different,” she says. I laugh to myself. It’s just my joy, I think.

7. So much beauty everywhere.

8. Craving Torres chips.

9. I miss them.

10. Just gonna ride the high of possibility.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty

1. It’s going to be hot today.

2. I open and close my mouth to get the jaw back in place. Maybe one day this will no longer be a thing.

3. He’s right. Lately, it’s been so much quieter.

4. I trace the ceiling with my hands and my eyes, lean so far back that I am blinded by the sun. I smile.

5. Maybe he is right. Maybe I am looking for the problems because I think I should be afraid. I think it shouldn’t work.

6. If it wasn’t right, I wouldn’t still be thinking about it.

7. Slow down.

8. Why am I giving this so much energy?

9. Summer heat. BLTs and melon and artichokes and potato salad and wine. And the mixture of gratitude and sadness.

10. What’s next?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. What day is today?

2. Watching the sun come up over the ridge. Hot coffee in my hand. Blanket on my lap.

3. This one is the only one I ever see at breakfast.

4. How do I want to feel?

5. When you can’t create exactly what you want, what you’ve done is close enough, and you just have to move forward.

6. Coconut popsicle after I eat my salad.

7. Giggles. I watch it for the giggles.

8. So freaking hot.

9. A quick stop at the wine shop for Vivier and Brendel.

10. Yes. The best thing is that I feel free.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. Phone buzzing at 4:00am. His Discord app. That’s odd; doesn’t seem like the kind of person to be sneaking game time this early or late.

2. Grateful that the trash comes later and later these days. Plenty of time to get the cans out since we can never remember to take them out the night before.

3. He questions my use of maple syrup on the maple sausage.

4. Scattered.

5. I think back to standing there beside her with hands in my pockets, her asking me what I do - what I really do - and I have no answer. “You’re an artist,” she says. Yes. Maybe? Yes.

6. Daydreams of flowy dresses.

7. He asks me what’s after my name. I am confused. Then he shows me his phone, pointing to my email signature. I explain that they are gender pronouns. That we’re trying our best to be inclusive and think about how we communicate that in even these small ways.

8. The best way to get your kid to clean their room is to tell them a friend is coming over.

9. They decide on Sushi from sunshine. We eat on the bleachers at the baseball field. It’s still only the first inning. It’s shaping up to be a good one.

10. I say that it’s because I wanted him to be outside and with people and not the video games. I tell her that it’s more of a community event. Or, at least it feels that way to me, today.

11. Torres Selecta Cured Cheese Premium Potato Chips.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. 1,357/365 = 3.99

2. No coffee today on account of these mild anxiety attacks. We’ve been blaming them on stress and the caffeine.

3. I am the source of time.

4. Not a cloud in the sky. Watching the way the tops of the vines sway in the wind. Waiting.

5. I can feel my non-poker face showing.

6. Practicing the shift of language in real time. Often so easy to spend time talking about the problem. Let’s just focus on the solution based on the circumstances. What will work for today? When things change, we’ll shift again.

7. I take the longer way because it’s more beautiful.

8. The magic of virtual becoming real. Real presence in real time.

9. When they tell you your mac’n’cheese makes them feel like they’re at church.

10. “Walk by faith, not by sight.”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. Birds are quiet today.

2. I take a cup of coffee and head outside for a quick walk. Finches hopping off deck railings.

3. Fog sitting on the crests of the mountains and hilltops. A thin strip of blue sky visible if you look hard enough.

4. My least talkative interview yet, but I think I got it.

5. How is it already July? How is next week already the middle of July? Have my children even read a book this summer? Why is it that things seem so much more complicated than ever?

6. But at least there is awareness here.

7. “It turns out I’ve been doing life wrong this entire time,” I say jokingly.

8. Hanger steak, salsa verde, grilled squash, garlic bread.

9. Or, I could think about nothing.

10. Only gratitude.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. Everything is still a little damp when I pull it out of the shower.

2. Baby turkeys in the open field.

3. We’re on our lucky field; the home team again. Let’s see if we can pull out another win.

4. “You should do it. You have a nice voice.” I sigh and then make my way up to the announcer’s box.

5. He hands me two pins. Now I feel official.

6. The last out on the plate. I start to tear up a little bit. All done. Everything over. Bittersweet.

7. Impromptu hangout.

8. Roses and tomatoes and berries, squash and melons and beans and okra. Pear and apple and fig trees. A garden of delights.

9. We grill the zucchini they gave us and add it to the salmon and salad. The perfect post-swim dinner.

10. What do I want to feel?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. I actually do need to get up.

2. I leave early so that I have time to find the hat. I drive slowly down 29. She said by a cement drain thing before you get to Nickel & Nickel.

3. Found it! I get out of the car and walk down the shoulder and pick up the hat. I turn it over. Another kid’s name. I laugh. Well, at least I’ll make someone else happy today.

4. I decide to close the lid. There is enough room in here. I lean back into the water and let myself float. I close my eyes and breathe.

5. The hour goes by so fast.

6. Epsom salt crust behind my ears and under my chin because I didn’t fully rinse my braids.

7. I tell her how I told someone else that this season has been good for all of us because it’s made us feel more connected to this play in which we now live. I feel better about everything.

8. At the stop sign, I see he’s sent me a picture. It’s my son kneeling and one of his teammates kneeling with him, their arms around each other’s shoulders.

9. Season over. I wish it would have ended differently.

10. What will we do now?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Really needed one more hour.

2. I just really love these foggy mornings.

3. One day I’m going to get all of those spiderwebs out of the upper windows.

4. Everything feels easier today. I know why. Last week I was angry. This week I am not angry. It’s literally not in my body.

5. It’s almost been a year.

6. I throw off the blazer and grab my shoes as I head out of the door. Right on time.

7. Remember your audience.

8. I just laugh.

9. The thing is that they aren’t even that good. We just didn’t show up as ourselves today.

10. Yeah. I mean. It’s just all so beautiful.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-One

1. These quiet gray skies.

2. Out of coffee.

3. I grab my copy off the shelf and head upstairs to wait for her call. I’m just excited to see her face.

4. The best way to start the day.

5. I walk back and forth with my hands in my pocket. Why is the first answer always “no”?

6. I tick off the rest of the to-do list before we have to leave—tiny, easy things.

7. He asks me if we can listen to the Supernatural podcast, and I am proud that I’m raising kids who also love UFOs, ghosts, and the unexplained.

8. She’s not wrong.

9. Another nailbiter. Another win. But really, it would be nice to win a game without having to ride the emotional rollercoaster.

10. So many lessons to be gleaned from this experience.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty

1. In the dream, they walk up to me and grabs my hair, and just stands there staring at me. I look around at the people near us and yell, “You’re seeing this right?! You’re seeing this, right?!" I stand there and her hand is still grabbing my hair. I do it so that there’s plenty of proof that she touched me first. Then I shove her hard.

2. I try not to go back to sleep and slip back into it.

3. Ants.

4. I tell him the dream. “It’s so obvious,” he says. “It’s not that hard to interpret.”

5. He looks so big in the passenger seat. So, so big.

6. The nurse and I start singing at the same time.

7. Trying.

8. The best part is when he’s trying to hide the smiles because he realizes that what he’s saying doesn’t make any sense.

9. I forget that I don’t have a key to the car but he happened to leave the windows down. I climb through and toss the baseball bag out the window.

10. I laugh to myself. Oh well.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. A Tuesday that feels like Monday.

2. Go slower. And even slower.

3. I wind up the snail and let it roll. I laugh out loud. A true delight.

4. She asks me why I’m concerned about making people upset by enforcing a boundary - why I’m worried about people thinking I am mean. I realize that as a child, at some point during all of those moves, being told that I was stuck up or rude. No. I was just an introvert. I was just quiet. I was just an observer. But cue trying to make sure you didn’t make anyone upset lest they think you were mean.

5. I tell her that the person doing the breaking up is always considered the bad guy.

6. But also, I have no patience for foolishness.

7. So hot in the sun.

8. The best $3 dollars I’ve ever spent.

9. I could be at home in front of my computer, or I could be here on the grass in the shade, watching baseball practice, drinking wine, talking about all of the things.

10. Should have gotten ice cream.

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. I don't like sleeping in as much as I thought I would.

2. Rush to deliver the croissants so I can get back to coffee and quiet.

3. Yes. Let's make it a beach day anyway.

4. Mountain peaks cradling ribbons of fog.

5. Hawk medicine.

6. How very Cancerian of me to spend a soupy morning at the ocean. We put the two chairs together and bundle up under the wool blanket. I close my eyes and listen to the waves.

7. There is another story waiting to be written.

8. I could stay in here all day looking at every little thing.

9. Fleetwood Mac.

10. I wanted a hit for my birthday, but I guess a short game is also a gift.

11. I still can’t get over these sunsets.

12. “…take courage and leap. Your sense of timing is perfect.”

13. “The power is you.”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Knowing that today isn’t the last day of my weekend.

2. I write out what must be done and what I would like to do.

3. Forgot to put clean sheets on his bed.

4. Liquid time.

5. Everyone wants to eat tonight’s dinner for their lunch. The smell of sausage and tomatoes - “it smells like pizza.”

6. He says he’s surprised by how long I’m staying here. There is potential. It is not pretty, but I am trying to use my imagination to see what’s possible. So much is possible.

7. Hammock time. One book. Two jars of water. No sound but the birds.

8. It might not be the one, but maybe it could be.

9. “We’ve got our own Kapernick in the family.”

10. Crawfish boil. Cool breezes. Good wine. Laughs. Boysenberry pie and ice cream to celebrate.

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Six

1. I check the phone to make sure we haven’t slept in too much.

2. More chainsaw work. Trees crashing. At least it’s not 5:30am.

3. Sap on my heels. Should really wear shoes out here.

4. Envisioning Future Self. Who is she? What does she do? What does she look like? Where does she live? How does she make her life?

5. What needs to change?

6. She tells me that she’ll be mad at me if I don’t sign up for the next writing class. I feel like I have no time. But maybe I will now that things are changing.

7. Red, white, and blue eye block once he gets to the field. They’re all so cute in their uniforms. Beautiful day for a game.

8. Laso. Bodkin Sauvignon Blanc, potato and leek soup for him, Pakora, pork belly, Brussels sprouts, mussel curry. A hidden gem in American Canyon.

9. An eleven-run rally to win the game.

10. But did they leave any ice cream for me?

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Five

1. These birds are the best alarm.

2. Yes to demanding Joy.

3. I can feel the heat of anger in my body and I don’t know why. Why am I angry? What is the true source of this? How do I get rid of it?

4. A power yoga kind of day and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this weak.

5. We have the same birthday.

6. We always joke that I have no poker face. I really don’t and it’s becoming more and more of a problem.

7. Last-minute late-night dinner plans are the best.

8. You get out of the car and you feel like you can just breathe.

9. Their home feels like them: sweet and easy and unassuming and practical but with a certain level of taste. It’s a place you kind of don’t want to leave.

10. It’s a feeling I’ve been chasing and trying to recreate but haven’t yet been able to. Maybe I just need to relax.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Four

1. He says it still seems so dark. I tell him that the fog is hanging low this morning.

2. I want to climb back under the covers like the kids do on mornings like these.

3. Coffee.

4. The energy in here is buzzing but not in a good way.

5. I comb through images trying to select the perfect ones. There are too many to choose from, too many I love.

6. The only thing about this place is that everyone is too cool to smile.

7. I find a place in the sun and finish up some work. Birds bounce around on the deck. The sound of leaf blowers. Nail gun. A man singing in the distance.

8. I have to stop letting these interactions make me angry.

9. “I can have compassion for you and still choose to not be harmed by you as you continue on your journey to grow and learn.”

10. Just the four of us sitting in dappled light overlooking Stags Leap, talking and talking and losing track of time. It’s so peaceful. I don’t want to leave.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Is that the chainsaw again? It’s just past 5:30. You’ve got to be kidding me. I want to run around in the woods in my robe and shake my fist.

2. Cracking crashes of trees.

3. Pen and paper always.

4. I decide to not get too technical in my notes. I keep it simple. Do I like the nose? Do I like the texture? Which one has acid? Do I think it tastes good?

5. We stop for hot dogs at Kelly’s on our way home from camp. I tell her that I need to keep talking with the locals and finding out the hidden gems.

6. I ask the question and try to ask it nonchalantly.

7. But I’m not bluffing.

8. She takes me on a walk while the boys practice. I remember now why we moved here. I came for the beauty and the quiet and the way the setting sun casts its glow over everything.

9. We sit on the bench. She asks who’s up. It’s my son but the app is paused. Nothing is happening. He hit a home run!

10. I tell him that if he was old enough to drink I would have sprayed him with champagne.

11. But it’s not about the home run. It’s seeing what you know is on the inside finally reveal itself to the world. And that smile.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Loud frogs.

2. Still quiet. Soft light. Enough time for me to curl up in the leather chair and write.

3. But really, I could listen to Elaine and Julia talk all day.

4. Mind is blown over this conversation about grapeseed oil.

5. Focus changes everything.

6. I clean the kitchen because I know I will be too tired to do it when we get back from the game. I should have gone for a walk instead.

7. We watch the map turn red, and the minutes creep up. We’re going to miss the start of the game. I lean back in my seat and thank God that I don’t have to do this every day. How do people do this every day? I’ll stick to my tiny town and 25 miles per hour, thank you very much.

8. “It looks like the desert,” she says—all brown except for those small patches of green. The small patches of green are small vineyard blocks and oak trees.

9. I don’t have a good feeling about this.

10. The drive home is faster and more beautiful due to the golden light from the setting sun. But so much quieter. No one likes to lose.

11. “Doc Rivers said it last night: ‘The pain of losing can motivate you to win. But the will to win has to be stronger than the pain of losing.’”