Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Knowing that today isn’t the last day of my weekend.

2. I write out what must be done and what I would like to do.

3. Forgot to put clean sheets on his bed.

4. Liquid time.

5. Everyone wants to eat tonight’s dinner for their lunch. The smell of sausage and tomatoes - “it smells like pizza.”

6. He says he’s surprised by how long I’m staying here. There is potential. It is not pretty, but I am trying to use my imagination to see what’s possible. So much is possible.

7. Hammock time. One book. Two jars of water. No sound but the birds.

8. It might not be the one, but maybe it could be.

9. “We’ve got our own Kapernick in the family.”

10. Crawfish boil. Cool breezes. Good wine. Laughs. Boysenberry pie and ice cream to celebrate.

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Six

1. I check the phone to make sure we haven’t slept in too much.

2. More chainsaw work. Trees crashing. At least it’s not 5:30am.

3. Sap on my heels. Should really wear shoes out here.

4. Envisioning Future Self. Who is she? What does she do? What does she look like? Where does she live? How does she make her life?

5. What needs to change?

6. She tells me that she’ll be mad at me if I don’t sign up for the next writing class. I feel like I have no time. But maybe I will now that things are changing.

7. Red, white, and blue eye block once he gets to the field. They’re all so cute in their uniforms. Beautiful day for a game.

8. Laso. Bodkin Sauvignon Blanc, potato and leek soup for him, Pakora, pork belly, Brussels sprouts, mussel curry. A hidden gem in American Canyon.

9. An eleven-run rally to win the game.

10. But did they leave any ice cream for me?

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Five

1. These birds are the best alarm.

2. Yes to demanding Joy.

3. I can feel the heat of anger in my body and I don’t know why. Why am I angry? What is the true source of this? How do I get rid of it?

4. A power yoga kind of day and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this weak.

5. We have the same birthday.

6. We always joke that I have no poker face. I really don’t and it’s becoming more and more of a problem.

7. Last-minute late-night dinner plans are the best.

8. You get out of the car and you feel like you can just breathe.

9. Their home feels like them: sweet and easy and unassuming and practical but with a certain level of taste. It’s a place you kind of don’t want to leave.

10. It’s a feeling I’ve been chasing and trying to recreate but haven’t yet been able to. Maybe I just need to relax.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Four

1. He says it still seems so dark. I tell him that the fog is hanging low this morning.

2. I want to climb back under the covers like the kids do on mornings like these.

3. Coffee.

4. The energy in here is buzzing but not in a good way.

5. I comb through images trying to select the perfect ones. There are too many to choose from, too many I love.

6. The only thing about this place is that everyone is too cool to smile.

7. I find a place in the sun and finish up some work. Birds bounce around on the deck. The sound of leaf blowers. Nail gun. A man singing in the distance.

8. I have to stop letting these interactions make me angry.

9. “I can have compassion for you and still choose to not be harmed by you as you continue on your journey to grow and learn.”

10. Just the four of us sitting in dappled light overlooking Stags Leap, talking and talking and losing track of time. It’s so peaceful. I don’t want to leave.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Is that the chainsaw again? It’s just past 5:30. You’ve got to be kidding me. I want to run around in the woods in my robe and shake my fist.

2. Cracking crashes of trees.

3. Pen and paper always.

4. I decide to not get too technical in my notes. I keep it simple. Do I like the nose? Do I like the texture? Which one has acid? Do I think it tastes good?

5. We stop for hot dogs at Kelly’s on our way home from camp. I tell her that I need to keep talking with the locals and finding out the hidden gems.

6. I ask the question and try to ask it nonchalantly.

7. But I’m not bluffing.

8. She takes me on a walk while the boys practice. I remember now why we moved here. I came for the beauty and the quiet and the way the setting sun casts its glow over everything.

9. We sit on the bench. She asks who’s up. It’s my son but the app is paused. Nothing is happening. He hit a home run!

10. I tell him that if he was old enough to drink I would have sprayed him with champagne.

11. But it’s not about the home run. It’s seeing what you know is on the inside finally reveal itself to the world. And that smile.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Loud frogs.

2. Still quiet. Soft light. Enough time for me to curl up in the leather chair and write.

3. But really, I could listen to Elaine and Julia talk all day.

4. Mind is blown over this conversation about grapeseed oil.

5. Focus changes everything.

6. I clean the kitchen because I know I will be too tired to do it when we get back from the game. I should have gone for a walk instead.

7. We watch the map turn red, and the minutes creep up. We’re going to miss the start of the game. I lean back in my seat and thank God that I don’t have to do this every day. How do people do this every day? I’ll stick to my tiny town and 25 miles per hour, thank you very much.

8. “It looks like the desert,” she says—all brown except for those small patches of green. The small patches of green are small vineyard blocks and oak trees.

9. I don’t have a good feeling about this.

10. The drive home is faster and more beautiful due to the golden light from the setting sun. But so much quieter. No one likes to lose.

11. “Doc Rivers said it last night: ‘The pain of losing can motivate you to win. But the will to win has to be stronger than the pain of losing.’”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Grateful for the cool air.

2. Remembering that I don’t have to get up just yet. I slink beneath the blankets again and close my eyes.

3. Last little bit of cereal before I drink the coffee.

4. Sunlight slipping through the clouds.

5. I drive him down to the field for camp and try to keep my eyes on the road but I keep wanting to look east toward the ridge. The mountains look like shadowy ghosts and the light is yellow and thin and it almost looks like a dream.

6. “Wait, I’m not registered?” “Don’t worry about it. I got it.”

7. Slow.

8. Not again.

9. Ah, see. The universe will sometimes present you with something that is almost the right thing but isn’t exactly the thing. It’s a test. Get quiet. Is it what you really want?

10. All the wires are crossed.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-One

1. An odd series of dreams.

2. Gray skies. Fog hanging low. A welcomed sight. Has me wishing for winter.

3. A quiet drive down to the floor for pastries. The colors of the morning: muted greens and browns against the white-gray skies. Sixty degrees.

4. She is the only patron without a mask on. This is going to be a weird transition back to “normal.”

5. A break in the fog. Glistening green vines. This is not so bad. This is not bad at all.

6. A familiar face in the grocery store. It is sinking in that this is home.

7. I tell her that I appreciate how much she cheers for all of the kids. She knows every name and is at every game. She has my mother’s name. It is nice to put a face to the voice.

8. They say it’s best not to get too excited. This little town doesn’t really get very far, but maybe they haven’t watched enough ESPN to know that miracles happen on a field. Sometimes, it’s just about timing and serendipity. Anything can happen.

9. Another win.

10. We relocate the beers and bellinis and fried chicken to the other side of the field, settle back into the chairs, and watch the next game.

11. He is not wrong. It is a heart change, and that change of heart isn’t going to come from education.

12. As I say it out loud, I think to myself, “I’m not exactly sure if it’s going to work, but I’m not going to freak myself out about it.” Life will find a way.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty

1. That was a good night of rest. Could it have been the blanket?

2. I say I’m not going to drink, but I drink it anyway. I’m going to stop telling myself that I’m not going to drink it anymore.

3. Cote said to think about adding in the things you want, and then, slowly, the things you don’t want will fall away.

4. Juneteenth.

5. We put our blanket down underneath the tree. I like it here. I’m glad we have the early game before the afternoon heat kicks in.

6. Beers and baseball talk and kid talk and shared philosophies.

7. The good things take time.

8. A win.

9. Under the weighted blanket for another nap. We both agree that the first night of sleep was exceptional. Will it continue?

10. We’re both so tired. “The heat,” I say. “And life.”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. Still early.

2. Another loud morning on the roof. I wonder what they are up to today. I wonder when I will figure out who “they” are.

3. Can already feel the heat.

4. It’s more like hot yoga today. I keep twisting into the sun, feeling its warmth on my face. The light behind my eyes turns bright orange.

5. Internet down.

6. I keep worrying that I’m going to miss something. And then I remind myself that nothing is really that urgent.

7. Still no birth certificate.

8. Still no internet.

9. “That’s a nice idea,” I say. He says he realized that he has to put some work into making friends, too. “Funny. We just talked about that last night. Developing friendships takes effort and intention. Like dating…it goes both ways.”

10. I climb under the weighted blanket for a bit of respite before dinner.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. The audacity. I know that this is the coolest part of the day, but how rude of you, whoever you are, running a chainsaw at 5am.

2. The thing or things that live on the roof above the bathroom are extra loud this morning. Maybe it was the chainsaw.

3. But at least I get a few more minutes alone.

4. I open the sliding glass doors to see if the air is just a little cooler. It is, but not by much.

5. Obviously a tourist.

6. Rescinding the invitation.

7. There is potential here, and it feels exciting.

8. Why do the dental techs talk to you as if you are free to have a conversation with them as they dig around in your mouth and scrape your teeth? Also, should we maybe not ask people about pandemic job loss or fires? Let me just look at the big fir tree.

9. I try to look composed. I decide it doesn’t matter. Make-up free with PMS breakout skin and fading eyebrows.

10. I decide to say the number out loud because women don’t talk numbers, and I need to change that for at least myself. And because I really want it, and if I can’t say it out loud, then how am I supposed to get it?

11. I feel that pang of not-enoughness, of lesser-than, of shame. I quickly remind myself that my story is my own, and I have achieved things because of and despite those things.

12. Suddenly it is 10:30pm, and I am up way past my bedtime, yet I find I don’t want to go.

13. Yes. More of this, please.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. In the dream, a baby, maybe a year or so old, cuddles up beside me in the bed and says, “good grape.”

2. Yes. It’s going to be a hot one. Can already tell.

3. No one is eating breakfast.

4. Everything is a practice.

5. What is my role in this? Is it really my responsibility?

6. I think of how he says how much he likes seeing me have my camera out in the morning. He knows it brings me joy. I know it brings me joy.

7. He picks out bits of flowers and leaves that are still stuck in my hair.

8. At the end of the day, it’s just freedom that I crave. But don’t we all?

9. We sit in the car and talk. We are very much alike, he and I: long-legged and short-torsoed, emotional but quiet, brooding, sometimes difficult to please, deep thinker.

10. Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. He talks about how someone at the top decided to save five cents on each unit to help their bottom line therefore giving us cardboard containers that collapse in our hand while trying to scoop out the ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. No sounds of waves, only the birds from outside.

2. No coffee.

3. My day for drop-off. Someone has realized they’ve forgotten something. “You owe your dad big.” “Not really. He owes me big, too.”

4. “You’ve got quite a crowd here. You’re doing this every day?” “No, we’re taking turns. But yes, five kids is a lot.”

5. “What’s the opposite of a miracle?”

6. One of those days when no thought is complete.

7. While I wait, I take a moment to seek out some delight: the flowers, the tall grasses blowing in the breeze, the sky, vine patterns on the hillsides.

8. 100 degrees in the sun.

9. “One question…” To be fair, he only ever asks one question at a time. But he says the phrase so many times that it feels like he’s only ever asking questions. Twenty questions a day.

10. I am afraid I won’t be able to fall asleep.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. Birds are much louder today.

2. How many more times will I walk by this box without opening it?

3. She asked for the blueberry muffins today. They smell good.

4. These flowers though.

5. He wakes up on his own. That’s a good sign. That means he’s excited.

6. I make a mistake. I hate that I made it. I hate making any kind of mistake, but I especially hate this kind because I care. But this is what happens when you rush. But I just accept it with grace and move forward.

7. She unwraps the velvet. We add the typewriter and my journals, the dried eucalyptus, an artichoke, and crystals. Now, it’s a scene.

8. I almost forget about the call.

9. But will they even understand it?

10. My phone thinks the only places I go are the baseball fields and the Safeway.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. The birds are quieter today. Oh wait, the window is closed.

2. “Do you want coffee?” “No.” “No?” “Yes. Yes, coffee.”

3. Coffeecake from a box. I clean while it bakes. Kids still asleep. Early but it feels late. The start to a long day.

4. Oh yeah, basketball camp starts tomorrow.

5. Why didn’t I think of this years ago? “Sommer Camp,” I laugh to myself.

6. Laundry. Laundry.

7. He asks if the stories are true. I say they’re based on facts but still a mystery. But that’s not the same thing as saying they’re true.

8. So quiet today. No jackhammers. No saws. No leafblowers.

9. And just like that, they day is done.

10. Mango popsicle.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Warmer this morning. A clue for what the rest of the day will feel like.

2. We woke up worried about different things that are really about the same thing.

3. He waves to us from the window. Of course, he’s awake.

4. She tells us that she is tired today, that she almost overslept. I tell her that I hope the rest of her day goes quickly so that she can get some rest.

5. “When our eyes are graced with wonder, the world reveals its wonders to us. There are people who see only dullness in the world and that is because their eyes have already been dulled. So much depends on how we look at things. The quality of our looking determines what we come to see.” - John O’Donohue, Beauty: The Invisible Embrace

6. I find come crushed flowers and a key, an image of the sky and the tops of mountains, and glue them to the card. I miss doing these kinds of things.

7. Taking my own advice.

8. This “temporary” phase feels like it’s becoming permanent.

9. Last-minute baseball scrimmage.

10. I walk all the way to the park to use the restroom. I reach a grove of trees and under it are pockets of golden light from the setting sun. I make little clouds of dust as I walk across the sandy soil.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Business on the top, party on the bottom.

2. The morning feels so much more spacious now.

3. This light. This light.

4. I miss my parents.

5. I almost fall asleep during savasana.

6. Everyone is from Sonoma. That is interesting. We buy shrubs, cherries, cheese, bread, and two huge bunches of flowers. It makes me miss the farmstands in Brentwood.

7. Everything she is saying. Yes, yes, yes.

8. “Hey. I read your post today and have a big sister message for you, It’s time! It’s time to do the work. Period.”

9. Discipline and strategy.

10. The feeling is Empathy.

11. I tell him that is the first time that I’ve felt a little nervous.

12. I ask him a question because I know he will have an answer for me. He always does.

13. “My choices are my own.”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-One

1. Reminds me of mornings sleeping on the enclosed porch.

2. Still bummed that we won’t be there until August.

3. Right. Down to Groskopf. The bonus is seeing her.

4. Bright yellow dress. Bright purple hair. I could sit here for hours but we both have things we need to do.

5. Still waiting.

6. That sounds about right.

7. Scarfing down burgers and onion rings while waiting for them to get out of school. Finally done. No more worrying about not waking people up in time.

8. She almost hit that kid with her gigantic car.

9. Young woman in a black shirt and a black skirt. Tall black and white striped socks and black boots. Golden field behind her. Almost like a vision from a nightmare.

10. So tired. So tired. So tired.

11. Rosemary-Pear Shrub. Corn croquettes.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty

1. Cooler than yesterday. I don’t mind.

2. Make the coffee first. Do the dishes. Wipe down the countertops.

3. Am I still okay with this decision?

4. I remember that the cheapest place in town to get a cup of coffee is at the fancy market in town.

5. Bright sun. Light breeze. Clear sky. As he would say, “it’s always a beautiful day here.”

6. In all these years, no one has ever even offered him the opportunity? I am angry but not surprised.

7. He pours us samples from all of the tanks: Vine Hill Ranch, Beckstoffer To Kalon, Pure Magic, and Black Magic. That is special enough. But it’s the way he talks about the wines that is most special. This is an artist speaking. He anthropomorphizes the wines. He speaks of them as if they are people. It is mesmerizing. I want to try to remember everything he is saying, but I know I can’t because there are too many other things on my mind. “Wine is honest.”

8. We sit and each lunch with the bottling team and cellar crews: refried beans, rice, chicken, beef, chips, salsa, and guacamole. I pile everything onto my plate. It is uncharacteristic of me.

9. I hate the feeling of being late.

10. What day is it?

11. They are delightful. Our kind of people. The right ones. We are together for almost two hours, but it is worth it.

12. “It is time.”

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. Big yawn. Soft light slipping through the slats. The birds are rather quiet this morning.

2. The sputter of the coffee machine.

3. Gratitude.

4. I tell her that I’m not as scared as I would have been a handful of years ago and that means something.

5. Can I slow down time today?

6. I realize that even very smart people make incorrect assumptions.

7. There is so much room for growth.

8. Forgot the leeks. Sub shallots. Out of butter. Check the crock. Can’t make a crust for the gallete. Just roast the apricots in cinnamon and sugar and top them with freshly whipped cream.

9. We are too full for dessert anyway.

10. Truthtelling is so good for you.