Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. Entering nightmare territory. Try to wake myself up.

2. Too cool.

3. Remember to make him the breakfast sausage. He wants the breakfast sausage today.

4. Blinding myself with the light.

5. A Monday that feels like Monday.

6. When meeting in person for the first time doesn’t feel like meeting for the first time. The power of the internet.

7. I sit down at the table and realize that it’s almost 3pm and I still haven’t eaten. I find leftover pesto and angel hair pasta and scarf down two bowls.

8. But really, my point is, if it’s not a value you hold as a leader in your organization, don’t market to it. Also: every holiday does not have to be about making money.

9. It feels like the right thing to do.

10. No time outside today. Will fix that tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Bird song. Bird squawk?

2. The way the light washes over everything—a holy moment.

3. Familiar faces.

4. Sparkling wine and pastries and conversation in the sun. No treework today.

5. Yeah, this is a special place.

6. I keep repeating the same story. That means it has affected me in a very strong way. “I just don’t want to waste too many years.”

7. Double-header. I'm not hungry enough to pack a lunch, but I know that as soon as I sit down, I’ll want to munch.

8. I try to keep a straight face.

9. We warned him about the ants.

10. He’s right.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. Saturday.

2. What time is it?

3. I pour coffee into the to-go cup and my tiny cup and take it upstairs to my desk. Skype calls with her are my favorite.

4. Two hours go by so fast.

5. She has good energy. Maybe it’s just that she’s a Cancer and I’m a Cancer and we just get each other.

6. I try to read while the trees crash down around me. I whimper each time. Like I’m being inflicted with a tiny paper cut with each snap.

7. “You will learn shamelessness. Because you need it to succeed as an entrepreneur.” - How to Build a Goddamn Empire

8. I see a familiar face and then another and then another and then the next thing you know it’s just loud talking and laughter and hugs and the online world turning into the real world. It is the sweetest thing.

9. “Are you 50/50?” “More like 90/10.”

10. What is this life?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. Soft light coming in through the open window. It’s not yet 5 because I don’t hear the birds. 4:49 am.

2. Jayne comes today.

3. Listening to what my body needs.

4. Summer light.

5. Wait. No Jayne.

6. The drive down feels long today. But there are worse drives to make.

7. No focus today. Maybe it’s the Peanut Butter Captain Crunch.

8. Tree after tree after tree. The cracking and the crashing. The sawing and the chipping. Jackhammer? I thought we were done with those.

9. We keep trading quotes from The Office and now I need to watch it all over again.

10. Cake cone. Vanilla ice cream. Rainbow sprinkles. Green grass. Setting sun. Kids climbing on trees.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. One day, I’ll figure out what that noise is.

2. Need to reschedule that. And that. And that.

3. Behind on this. That’s okay. I trust that I’ll get it done.

4. He’s rewriting his list of dinosaurs. At the top: real ones he knows by name. At the bottom: fake ones from the movies.

5. One more week.

6. This version isn’t any better only because I know the shift is temporary.

7. Am I supposed to be excited? I don’t fake emotions very well.

8. In one hand are the things I want. In the other hand are the things I am no longer willing to put up with. Weighing what’s worth what.

9. Pre-dinner glass and hammock swing. The quiet of the trees. “No one can steal my peace,” I say to myself. This belongs to me.

10. The messages are all the same: take your time and trust yourself.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. A little bit of fog.

2. I need about 3 more pairs of these pants.

3. Her face! Her voice. Her laugh. I miss her. Before we end our call, we mention the possibility of another gathering. That feels good to me.

4. Red lips and red hat. We talk about the desire to build wealth as a means of creating change. How that desire used to not seem as urgent as it is now. I think of how far we’ve both come.

5. “More is coming…”

6. Our conversations are always deep, smart, real.

7. For a minute, I envision us accidentally lighting the tablecloth on fire.

8. Restored. What else could matter more than this?

9. Now is not the time, but it is coming soon.

10. I hear myself ranting. What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to convince?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Birthday month.

2. “You ate all the bagels?”

3. Really need to get that dead bird off the deck. Poor little finch.

4. Sunflowers glowing gold.

5. No one is upset about this morning’s music choices.

6. Home alone.

7. Careless Whisper by George Michael.

8. I sit in the hammock before the meeting, read a few pages of the book. I argue with the author in my head.

9. The thing is I just want enough energy to be able to do the work that really needs to be done.

10. Cilantro stuck in the back of my throat.

11. My hands are open.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Nature’s alarm clock.

2. Here just in time.

3. The right message at the right time.

4. “Therefore, sunflowers often represent worship and faithfulness associated with the desire to seek out light and, in turn, truth.”

5. Hot already.

6. I look up at the sky. Hot breeze in my eyes. Palm trees blowing in the wind. Yes, sometimes I do miss this place.

7. Cherry cobbler with ice cream.

8. Sepia-toned sunset. Oh, wait. Is that just my sunglasses?

9. I don’t think a picture could do it justice.

10. What are we going to do?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty

1. Feels like Saturday. Thank goodness.

2. Another dress, another sweater. Orange juice in the chair looking out toward the trees.

3. Laundry. Need to get caught up.

4. I walk into her bedroom and see all of the things everywhere. I close the door.

5. Error messages.

6. This chicken keeps coming closer and closer.

7. I can’t seem to find my words. Maybe today should have been a day for regular coffee.

8. I give them the short version of a very long story.

9. She pulls out the things in her bag and names them one by one. I miss this age.

10. So tired I can’t even keep track of the game.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Nineteen

1. Can’t sleep in too much or we will be late.

2. Sweater over the dress. Bags of bagels and some decaf for breakfast.

3. Windy down here.

4. I haven’t been here in years. I walk around the corner to see if the fountain is still there. It is.

5. Fresh sheets. Nap time.

6. “I believe in ghosts but I think this show is fake. Because why don’t the cameramen get scared?”

7. “But we’re assuming that coach knows where he is going.”

8. This is living in wine country.

9. There are no accidents.

10. So much beauty everywhere.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighteen

1. What’s with the birds this morning?

2. I’ve now become one of those people who can no longer tolerate a grocery store donut.

3. I let the sun blind me.

4. Every day she asks what I am doing, and every day I feel like I say the same thing. Do I sound excited? What am I teaching her to anticipate about adult life when I respond with such little enthusiasm? What am I modeling for her? For all of them?

5. Today’s playlist is top notch.

6. I breathe and watch the spiderwebs above me jiggle.

7. Nothing will ever be the same.

8. The scrub jay keeps hopping into the hammock. Silly bird.

9. I wouldn’t give this up.

10. But this feels good.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventeen

1. It’s already Thursday.

2. Thank goodness for boxed breakfasts these days.

3. You can tell they’re tourists because they keep walking in circles around the store.

4. Negative.

5. We talk about boundaries and kids and sticking up for yourself and being exhausted by baseball. We sit and drink a glass of water before I leave. Bird chatter in the background. I am happy to be here.

6. I ask him if he needs help. He asks me to give him the answer. That’s not how this works.

7. We work at the table together. For a brief moment, I consider what it might be like to homeschool him. I’ve been thinking of this off and on for so many years. What is his specific need? Can I realistically accommodate it?

8. “I think I just had to get it off my chest,” I say. “Even though I didn’t say everything, just saying those things helped.”

9. Hanger steak and chimichurri and an herb salad.

10. Cancer Traits:

    1. Very sensitive

    2. Seeks comfort

    3. Forgives but never forgets

    4. Only has one boundary, but it is very firm

    5. Takes on other people’s problems

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixteen

1. I guess it’s time to buy clothes now that we’re going back out into the world again.

2. What is in store for today?

3. Where did the time go?

4. Drinking coffee, sitting in the sun.

5. “The only thing I know is that I don’t know anything.”

6. But what will be my contribution?

7. My peak hours are definitely 6am-12pm.

8. So many things to think about. Everything feels important.

9. Why?

10. “What you do is your history. What you set in motion is your legacy.” - Pesme

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifteen

1. I don’t hear the birds yet. I can keep my eyes closed.

2. Jaw so tight. What a rough way to start the day.

3. The thing is, I have to tools to navigate this.

4. Today needs coffee.

5. The good thing about a teenager in this situation is that they’d rather be alone in their room anyway.

6. I answer right away. I talk longer and about way more than I intended. But you know when your people are your people. And now I feel seen and validated.

7. It’s not the happy travelers that are coming in, she says.

8. But I know how this movie ends.

9. I hate that I’m going to miss this one inning game.

10. I am quiet. Just trying to soak it all in. Trying to pay attention. Trying to be observant. My mind feels like it’s going 2 miles per hour. Maybe I’m just tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifteen

1. The birds are loud. It’s time to get up.

2. What will today bring?

3. Quietly and diligently. Focus.

4. “Today was going to be the day, but I got scared.”

5. He says they told him that he can’t go back to school without quarantining for 10 days or with a negative COVID test.

6. Is he faking? No. His forehead feels a little warm.

7. “And are you choosing to be ‘irresponsible’ to your mental health and well-being?”

8. Best way to clear the mind is to clear the space.

9. He calls him out. The winning run. The ball wasn’t in his hand. But umps call. Another one-inning game tomorrow to break the tie and say alive. I will have to miss it.

10. But, in this case, logic doesn’t work.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fourteen

1. Still don’t want to get up.

2. That feeling when your whole body wants to shut down.

3. I toss chocolate chips into the batter because it’s Sunday.

4. What is going right?

5. Back under the covers.

6. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had coffee in two days?

7. Laundry and more laundry.

8. “In assuming the viewpoint of no defense, you have chosen the right to be who and what you are with no games involved.” - Medicine Cards

9. Hot in the sun. A cooling breeze. They run up the score quickly.

10. Burgers on the grill.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirteen

1. Staying in bed.

2. I reheat the leftover bolognese and take it back to bed.

3. Nothing on the list feels as important as going back to bed.

4. He’s always worried when I sleep a lot. I just need the rest.

5. It reminds me of Brentwood. For a moment I wonder if we should have stayed.

6. I realize that I’m trying to talk myself out of the very thing I know I need to do. I can hope for the best, but I’ve seen this show before. I know how it ends.

7. I could go back to sleep.

8. I lean back in my stadium seat and put my face in the sun. The heat on my skin feels good.

9. What would I have to shift in order to make that a reality?

10. Craving: Tuesdays on the sofa with coffee.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twelve

1. Waking up with the birds.

2. Early morning light.

3. These candied kumquats though.

4. Barely 10 am and I am already tired from the day. What else do I need to do?

5. The stretching is deep and good and cleansing.

6. The house is small but cute. There are garden beds and a vineyard view. It’s quiet. I should like it more than I do. I know he will not like “it doesn’t feel right,” for an answer.

7. The more he says it, the more nervous I get.

8. I give them each a rootbeer candy from the deli.

9. The weather is absolutely perfect.

10. Lovina for dinner. Ceviche. Little gems salad. Levain with the silkiest butter. Pork bolognese with truffle butter. Flourless cake with espresso ice cream and cherries.

11. So tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eleven

1. So cold.

2. No water. Again.

3. 58 degrees downstairs. I decide to turn on the heat for them.

4. He leaves to take the car to the dealership. I have at least one hour to myself before the kids wake. There is enough water in the tea kettle from yesterday to make a pot of yerba mate.

5. Sun coming in.

6. Still burning.

7. She has a baby goat and she’s walking it on a leash. Athena.

8. I’m doing the thing I said I didn’t want to do.

9. It feels like rain.

10. Hail.

11. “You can love them and let them go.”

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ten

1. Holy moly. Too cold.

2. Loud birds. What time is it?

3. I make a full pot of regular even though I know I should have decaf.

4. I am living the life of my dreams.

5. I wish I had a better poker face.

6. Control C. Control V.

7. She shows me the tower of jasmine. You can smell it before you see it, even through the mask.

8. We sit at the table by the police department and eat our sandwiches. She is a gift from the universe, a harbinger of messages I needed to hear.

9. Teary-eyed again. I blame my lunch with Jodi.

10. That was actually a pretty good game.