Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Nine

1. Air so cool. Birds so loud.

2. There is no quiet way to close the window.

3. Maybe it’s the coffee that’s making me angry.

4. “The cemeteries are filled with people who once believed that they were indispensable.” - Medicine Cards

5. She always has the best mood. Her energy is enviable.

6. “How can I help?” she asks. I tell her that the question is helpful because it requires me to stop and think about what I actually need.

7. “Free” time.

8. We score 6 runs at the top of the one-inning game. Bottom of the inning. Three runs from the other team. Then two more. Two kids on base. Winning run at the plate. Pop-up fly caught by the pitcher for the last out.

9. I feel lighter. This is what it’s all about.

10. He asks me if I believe in ghosts.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eight

1. Cold.

2. Another load.

3. Coffee. Frozen waffles for them. Green juice and fruit for me.

4. The list is long. I tell myself that I will let myself watch one episode if I can get it all done.

5. I can’t tell if having your experience makes you feel more validated, or angrier.

6. “What has anger showed you today?”

7. Even though he keeps giving me permission, something is holding me back.

8. For a moment, I think I should consult an outside perspective. Then I remember that I am the only one who knows what’s best for me. Seeking outside approval will only confuse me.

9. “You’re allowed to be scared AND do what’s best for your mental health and family.”

10. I don’t think my stomach can handle another inning.

11. Soup. Bread.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seven

1. But I have to get up so that I can finish.

2. Cinnamon roll from a can. Coffee.

3. But, why?

4. Was it necessary? See above.

5. She tells me that I am being pulled to an edge that I usually avoid. She tells me to let myself go there.

6. “I’m tired of white light. Go into the dark. Creation happens in the womb.”

7. I tell him I just want to take a nap on the ground with my face in the sun.

8. The umps are late. I lay down and close my eyes.

9. Hanger steak is rarely a bad idea.

10. We think, maybe, that we have a plan.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Six

1. Gray skies. A mood.

2. Vanilla coconut-milk yogurt with roasted walnuts, homemade granola, and homemade candid kumquats.

3. The words come out quickly. This topic needs more space but we’ll see how it goes.

4. Hair.

5. He sends me a link to the article. Nice move. Petty me wishes I had said something. That I had set everything on fire. I will just haunt them for the next eight years.

6. There is just enough sun peeking through. I make a snack and sit in the hammock. Face in the sun. So quiet.

7. Nap.

8. I can do nothing.

9. It was criminal of me to buy these grocery store strawberries.

10. That deadline is approaching quickly.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Five

1. That was a late night.

2. Hungry.

3. Finally Friday. Finally the end of the week. Finally, some time to rest?

4. I am talking and hoping that what I am saying is making sense. He’s nodding as if it does. That’s good. He says, that the majority of applicants were women. I find that telling. Is it that the men already believe they are quality leaders? That they have no room for growth?

5. My arms feel unsteady in the side plank. Everything is shaking today.

6. That darn windshield.

7. She texts me to say that she’s been meaning to ask me about these things. I tell her that I’ve been on the verge of tears almost every day because of these things. There is much to talk about.

8. We lament over the amount of time it takes to do our daughter’s hair. I laugh to myself. Only another Black mom would understand.

9. It just doesn’t feel right.

10. I laugh.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Four

1. Cleaning clothes.

2. Almost forgot the coffee.

3. Where is the time going.

4. I think of how soothing it is to see a familiar face. Of how our time together seems like a lifetime ago.

5. All the snacks.

6. I didn’t think I’d stay.

7. Why did he bring that?

8. I just like to introduce those parts of me later. Not everyone needs to know.

9. Apparently, the sound of breaking class was the result of a baseball hitting my car. Of course. Of course, it would be my car.

10. A rally.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Three

1. But really. What are those noises up there?

2. A shorts day.

3. I realize that I’ve gotten good at doing these presentations in 15 minutes. But no one really gets upset when a meeting ends early.

4. Sun in my face.

5. Last day of the symposium.

6. “People are in love with the stereotypes of wine.” - Felicity Carter

7. In the end, you just need to work on your craft. The topic doesn’t matter. What matters is your devotion to your art.

8. Does anyone know why they do anything?

9. Oh boy.

10. A rally to win.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Two

1. Now, the birds are louder than the frogs.

2. No one wants to eat the cereal that is for breakfast. Maybe we’ll get back to me baking something every morning. Maybe we won’t.

3. I should have grabbed a scarf for my legs.

4. Yes, we should be sending in more pitches, but there is still work the industry needs to do. If they want diverse voices, they will have to continue to look for them.

5. I’m not convinced that we don’t still need to build our own tables.

6. I have way less patience. Maybe I need to go back to decaf.

7. I tell him that I miss working with her. I’d work with her again.

8. I could list all the disappointments, but it wouldn’t shift anything.

9. I sit in the hammock and look out at the trees. I hear only the distant chatter of birds. The early evening light is leaking through the canopy. A kiss of a breeze.

10. Raft Antonella. Leftover roasted chicken. I am too tired/frustrated/hot to eat much.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & One

1. Today.

2. Make the list. Make the coffee. Make the breakfast.

3. I move the desk to the edge of the deck and set myself up there. Birds and blowers and quiet thuds.

4. Signs are everywhere when your eyes are open.

5. Who is this guy? I google him so that I can avoid him in the future.

6. Doesn’t matter. Gratitude any way.

7. Can you become friends with all of your club members? This is the sweet part of the job - getting to know people and their families and their work and their lives. I miss the people part of it all.

8. Baseball practice. And softball game. And baseball practice.

9. Gott’s. Of course.

10. Too, too late.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred

1. Not ready.

2. Blueberry scones. Coffee to go.

3. I stare out the window. I remind myself that I live in a very beautiful place. Do not take it for granted.

4. Hot air balloons.

5. A quiet ride.

6. Yerba Mate and laundry and RHOA.

7. But can they make shorts that are longer than these but shorter than those?

8. Water is shut off. Who knows why. Hammock nap.

9. Still my favorite part of Sunday.

10. But if you're not happy, then none of it matters.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. Why is it so loud.

2. Definitely needed the alarm.

3. We are all quiet because we are tired.

4. Last day.

5. Standing in the parking lot, trying to stay calm.

6. This game feels like it’s taking forever. Someone says they seek smoke in the distance. I look up at the sky.

7. I should have gotten the chicken nuggets.

8. Being a tourist in your own town.

9. I’m good with leftovers.

10. Last day.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. Never enough sleep.

2. Brisk air. Deep breath.

3. I had forgotten about the traffic. We take a roundabout way home. I wave to someone. “You know them?” “She’s the only one in town who drives that car. And I’m the only black woman who lives here. Pretty easy to recognize each other.”

4. She takes it easy on us, and I don’t mind.

5. I do what he would do. I walk the store and check the stock; out of Sauvignon Blanc, down to six bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon.

6. What’s for dinner?

7. This part is done.

8. Finally caught up on emails.

9. This would be more fun if not for the aggressive coaching.

10. It’s really too late to eat any ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. I can’t remember the last time I picked up a book.

2. Just keep putting yourself in the right places and things will happen.

3. Crisp air. Birdsong. Sparkling light.

4. But not related to illness.

5. Watching the changing landscape.

6. “I wish I could live here,” she says.

7. This is becoming harder than it should have been.

8. But I actually just don’t care.

9. I pick up a book. I can’t decide if I’m going to like this. I read a few more pages, and then a few more.

10. Steak salad. The 9-year-old beats me at the word game.

11. I need to read more.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Sweet dreams.

2. I shouldn’t drink this coffee, but I’m going to drink this coffee.

3. Keeping the list small. Need space.

4. His goals are to have better relationships with his siblings, and that is a very sweet thing.

5. What are the lessons to be learned here?

6. Already hot.

7. Flautas and tacos. Gentle breezes. A quiet park.

8. I should, but I shouldn’t.

9. I get a little dizzy on my walk to the car. I remember how sensitive I am to heat. Take it easy.

10. It’s a rule, but is it necessary in this situation?

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. The same dream again. I’m listening. I’m listening.

2. Someone is already awake.

3. It’s already so warm.

4. Everyone is an early bird today. I don’t mind it.

5. The key is in my bag.

6. “I hate days like this,” I say. “Days that run away from me.”

7. But the sky and weather and the quiet.

8. What is worse? To be thought of as being difficult or to be warned about being perceived as being difficult.

9. The time is going by too fast.

10. But can I go back to the dream?

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. Monday? Already?

2. It feels later than it is. Light tricks.

3. Bacon and potatoes. I fill up the coffee pot. I tell myself I should make a separate batch of decaf in the Bialetti. Then I convince myself that I will be okay with the caffeine.

4. The real stuff tastes so good.

5. She’s already outside. I join her. This is a better way to work.

6. I see myself.

7. It’s hot, but it also feels so good.

8. The thing is, you cannot let it consume you.

9. Word games at dinner.

10. We are all going to be so tired after this week.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. Good morning birds.

2. Back to a regular coffee pot. I tell myself I shouldn’t drink this regular stuff but I’m putting in the filter and filling up the water and grinding the beans and then listening to that sputtering sound of percolation.

3. Bacon and waffles.

4. I hull the first strawberry. The delight of a sharp knife.

5. Need new menus.

6. The clucking of the chickens almost sounds like children laughing.

7. If I have to work on a Sunday, I’m happy I get to sit with these two.

8. I tell her that it’s almost like being on vacation every day.

9. I finish hulling the strawberries. I start to use Alice’s recipe and then remember that the custard base doesn’t get the ice crystals so I go back to Melissa Clark’s recipe but add the pureed strawberries and basil. I take bits that were cut away and make a strawberry simple syrup. Strawberry Paloma?

10. Captain America for movie night.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. Nightmare. 2:00 am. Drenched in sweat.

2. Second nightmare: there is a fire in the room and he won't get out. He so badly wants to save this one thing. He keeps trying to throw things on the fire but it just gets bigger and bigger. He will not leave no matter how much I scream.

3. Model Bakery.

4. She says our situation sounds scary. It is.

5. She leaves the starter and a fresh loaf and the sweetest note at the front door. It almost makes me cry.

6. I can smell the strawberries. They are deep in color and smell sweet. Strawberry-basil ice cream, I think?

7. These drives feel shorter now that we make them so frequently.

8. Worth it. So worth it.

9. The foul ball lands in her purse.

10. I tell the table about my nightmare. We laugh. But the symbolism is so real.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. Bird friends.

2. Today is the day!

3. Hot pink streak in the sky. I’ve missed the summer sunrises.

4. My voice sounds tired.

5. The stretching is deep today. Kaliasana variations making my thighs tremble. I appreciate how much we work on the root.

6. I do see the benefits of being in a shared space. It's hard to communicate effectively through these mediums sometimes.

7. The moral of the story is that you can shift your life. People can think what they want, but you know what’s best for you.

8. It's okay to want something different.

9. I sit alone while I wait for them to arrive. I do not mind the solitude. I need the solitude.

10. Finally.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-One

1. I imagine it’s a family of squirrels. Or maybe it’s a big nest of birds. Whoever they are, they are at their loudest at 5:30 am.

2. The sky is already beginning to glow.

3. They arrive tomorrow, and I have done none of the things that I thought I would have done in order to prepare for them. I’ve forgotten to take time off. I’ve not gone to the grocery store. I have not cleaned. I have not bought another set of towels.

4. Focus.

5. I tell her all the things. “She cried?”

6. She asks me how I’m making space to rest.

7. “I’ve been asking the ancestors and the universe and God for signs. You are one of many this week. Thank you for that,” I say.

8. She’s deep. Even through the screen, I can feel her ease.

9. All of this is information.

10. He’s completely right. Everything here is so expensive. And we don’t know how we’ll make it work, but we believe it can, somehow.