Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Birthday month.

2. “You ate all the bagels?”

3. Really need to get that dead bird off the deck. Poor little finch.

4. Sunflowers glowing gold.

5. No one is upset about this morning’s music choices.

6. Home alone.

7. Careless Whisper by George Michael.

8. I sit in the hammock before the meeting, read a few pages of the book. I argue with the author in my head.

9. The thing is I just want enough energy to be able to do the work that really needs to be done.

10. Cilantro stuck in the back of my throat.

11. My hands are open.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Nature’s alarm clock.

2. Here just in time.

3. The right message at the right time.

4. “Therefore, sunflowers often represent worship and faithfulness associated with the desire to seek out light and, in turn, truth.”

5. Hot already.

6. I look up at the sky. Hot breeze in my eyes. Palm trees blowing in the wind. Yes, sometimes I do miss this place.

7. Cherry cobbler with ice cream.

8. Sepia-toned sunset. Oh, wait. Is that just my sunglasses?

9. I don’t think a picture could do it justice.

10. What are we going to do?

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty

1. Feels like Saturday. Thank goodness.

2. Another dress, another sweater. Orange juice in the chair looking out toward the trees.

3. Laundry. Need to get caught up.

4. I walk into her bedroom and see all of the things everywhere. I close the door.

5. Error messages.

6. This chicken keeps coming closer and closer.

7. I can’t seem to find my words. Maybe today should have been a day for regular coffee.

8. I give them the short version of a very long story.

9. She pulls out the things in her bag and names them one by one. I miss this age.

10. So tired I can’t even keep track of the game.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Nineteen

1. Can’t sleep in too much or we will be late.

2. Sweater over the dress. Bags of bagels and some decaf for breakfast.

3. Windy down here.

4. I haven’t been here in years. I walk around the corner to see if the fountain is still there. It is.

5. Fresh sheets. Nap time.

6. “I believe in ghosts but I think this show is fake. Because why don’t the cameramen get scared?”

7. “But we’re assuming that coach knows where he is going.”

8. This is living in wine country.

9. There are no accidents.

10. So much beauty everywhere.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighteen

1. What’s with the birds this morning?

2. I’ve now become one of those people who can no longer tolerate a grocery store donut.

3. I let the sun blind me.

4. Every day she asks what I am doing, and every day I feel like I say the same thing. Do I sound excited? What am I teaching her to anticipate about adult life when I respond with such little enthusiasm? What am I modeling for her? For all of them?

5. Today’s playlist is top notch.

6. I breathe and watch the spiderwebs above me jiggle.

7. Nothing will ever be the same.

8. The scrub jay keeps hopping into the hammock. Silly bird.

9. I wouldn’t give this up.

10. But this feels good.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventeen

1. It’s already Thursday.

2. Thank goodness for boxed breakfasts these days.

3. You can tell they’re tourists because they keep walking in circles around the store.

4. Negative.

5. We talk about boundaries and kids and sticking up for yourself and being exhausted by baseball. We sit and drink a glass of water before I leave. Bird chatter in the background. I am happy to be here.

6. I ask him if he needs help. He asks me to give him the answer. That’s not how this works.

7. We work at the table together. For a brief moment, I consider what it might be like to homeschool him. I’ve been thinking of this off and on for so many years. What is his specific need? Can I realistically accommodate it?

8. “I think I just had to get it off my chest,” I say. “Even though I didn’t say everything, just saying those things helped.”

9. Hanger steak and chimichurri and an herb salad.

10. Cancer Traits:

    1. Very sensitive

    2. Seeks comfort

    3. Forgives but never forgets

    4. Only has one boundary, but it is very firm

    5. Takes on other people’s problems

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixteen

1. I guess it’s time to buy clothes now that we’re going back out into the world again.

2. What is in store for today?

3. Where did the time go?

4. Drinking coffee, sitting in the sun.

5. “The only thing I know is that I don’t know anything.”

6. But what will be my contribution?

7. My peak hours are definitely 6am-12pm.

8. So many things to think about. Everything feels important.

9. Why?

10. “What you do is your history. What you set in motion is your legacy.” - Pesme

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifteen

1. I don’t hear the birds yet. I can keep my eyes closed.

2. Jaw so tight. What a rough way to start the day.

3. The thing is, I have to tools to navigate this.

4. Today needs coffee.

5. The good thing about a teenager in this situation is that they’d rather be alone in their room anyway.

6. I answer right away. I talk longer and about way more than I intended. But you know when your people are your people. And now I feel seen and validated.

7. It’s not the happy travelers that are coming in, she says.

8. But I know how this movie ends.

9. I hate that I’m going to miss this one inning game.

10. I am quiet. Just trying to soak it all in. Trying to pay attention. Trying to be observant. My mind feels like it’s going 2 miles per hour. Maybe I’m just tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifteen

1. The birds are loud. It’s time to get up.

2. What will today bring?

3. Quietly and diligently. Focus.

4. “Today was going to be the day, but I got scared.”

5. He says they told him that he can’t go back to school without quarantining for 10 days or with a negative COVID test.

6. Is he faking? No. His forehead feels a little warm.

7. “And are you choosing to be ‘irresponsible’ to your mental health and well-being?”

8. Best way to clear the mind is to clear the space.

9. He calls him out. The winning run. The ball wasn’t in his hand. But umps call. Another one-inning game tomorrow to break the tie and say alive. I will have to miss it.

10. But, in this case, logic doesn’t work.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fourteen

1. Still don’t want to get up.

2. That feeling when your whole body wants to shut down.

3. I toss chocolate chips into the batter because it’s Sunday.

4. What is going right?

5. Back under the covers.

6. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had coffee in two days?

7. Laundry and more laundry.

8. “In assuming the viewpoint of no defense, you have chosen the right to be who and what you are with no games involved.” - Medicine Cards

9. Hot in the sun. A cooling breeze. They run up the score quickly.

10. Burgers on the grill.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirteen

1. Staying in bed.

2. I reheat the leftover bolognese and take it back to bed.

3. Nothing on the list feels as important as going back to bed.

4. He’s always worried when I sleep a lot. I just need the rest.

5. It reminds me of Brentwood. For a moment I wonder if we should have stayed.

6. I realize that I’m trying to talk myself out of the very thing I know I need to do. I can hope for the best, but I’ve seen this show before. I know how it ends.

7. I could go back to sleep.

8. I lean back in my stadium seat and put my face in the sun. The heat on my skin feels good.

9. What would I have to shift in order to make that a reality?

10. Craving: Tuesdays on the sofa with coffee.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twelve

1. Waking up with the birds.

2. Early morning light.

3. These candied kumquats though.

4. Barely 10 am and I am already tired from the day. What else do I need to do?

5. The stretching is deep and good and cleansing.

6. The house is small but cute. There are garden beds and a vineyard view. It’s quiet. I should like it more than I do. I know he will not like “it doesn’t feel right,” for an answer.

7. The more he says it, the more nervous I get.

8. I give them each a rootbeer candy from the deli.

9. The weather is absolutely perfect.

10. Lovina for dinner. Ceviche. Little gems salad. Levain with the silkiest butter. Pork bolognese with truffle butter. Flourless cake with espresso ice cream and cherries.

11. So tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eleven

1. So cold.

2. No water. Again.

3. 58 degrees downstairs. I decide to turn on the heat for them.

4. He leaves to take the car to the dealership. I have at least one hour to myself before the kids wake. There is enough water in the tea kettle from yesterday to make a pot of yerba mate.

5. Sun coming in.

6. Still burning.

7. She has a baby goat and she’s walking it on a leash. Athena.

8. I’m doing the thing I said I didn’t want to do.

9. It feels like rain.

10. Hail.

11. “You can love them and let them go.”

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ten

1. Holy moly. Too cold.

2. Loud birds. What time is it?

3. I make a full pot of regular even though I know I should have decaf.

4. I am living the life of my dreams.

5. I wish I had a better poker face.

6. Control C. Control V.

7. She shows me the tower of jasmine. You can smell it before you see it, even through the mask.

8. We sit at the table by the police department and eat our sandwiches. She is a gift from the universe, a harbinger of messages I needed to hear.

9. Teary-eyed again. I blame my lunch with Jodi.

10. That was actually a pretty good game.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Nine

1. Air so cool. Birds so loud.

2. There is no quiet way to close the window.

3. Maybe it’s the coffee that’s making me angry.

4. “The cemeteries are filled with people who once believed that they were indispensable.” - Medicine Cards

5. She always has the best mood. Her energy is enviable.

6. “How can I help?” she asks. I tell her that the question is helpful because it requires me to stop and think about what I actually need.

7. “Free” time.

8. We score 6 runs at the top of the one-inning game. Bottom of the inning. Three runs from the other team. Then two more. Two kids on base. Winning run at the plate. Pop-up fly caught by the pitcher for the last out.

9. I feel lighter. This is what it’s all about.

10. He asks me if I believe in ghosts.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eight

1. Cold.

2. Another load.

3. Coffee. Frozen waffles for them. Green juice and fruit for me.

4. The list is long. I tell myself that I will let myself watch one episode if I can get it all done.

5. I can’t tell if having your experience makes you feel more validated, or angrier.

6. “What has anger showed you today?”

7. Even though he keeps giving me permission, something is holding me back.

8. For a moment, I think I should consult an outside perspective. Then I remember that I am the only one who knows what’s best for me. Seeking outside approval will only confuse me.

9. “You’re allowed to be scared AND do what’s best for your mental health and family.”

10. I don’t think my stomach can handle another inning.

11. Soup. Bread.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seven

1. But I have to get up so that I can finish.

2. Cinnamon roll from a can. Coffee.

3. But, why?

4. Was it necessary? See above.

5. She tells me that I am being pulled to an edge that I usually avoid. She tells me to let myself go there.

6. “I’m tired of white light. Go into the dark. Creation happens in the womb.”

7. I tell him I just want to take a nap on the ground with my face in the sun.

8. The umps are late. I lay down and close my eyes.

9. Hanger steak is rarely a bad idea.

10. We think, maybe, that we have a plan.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Six

1. Gray skies. A mood.

2. Vanilla coconut-milk yogurt with roasted walnuts, homemade granola, and homemade candid kumquats.

3. The words come out quickly. This topic needs more space but we’ll see how it goes.

4. Hair.

5. He sends me a link to the article. Nice move. Petty me wishes I had said something. That I had set everything on fire. I will just haunt them for the next eight years.

6. There is just enough sun peeking through. I make a snack and sit in the hammock. Face in the sun. So quiet.

7. Nap.

8. I can do nothing.

9. It was criminal of me to buy these grocery store strawberries.

10. That deadline is approaching quickly.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Five

1. That was a late night.

2. Hungry.

3. Finally Friday. Finally the end of the week. Finally, some time to rest?

4. I am talking and hoping that what I am saying is making sense. He’s nodding as if it does. That’s good. He says, that the majority of applicants were women. I find that telling. Is it that the men already believe they are quality leaders? That they have no room for growth?

5. My arms feel unsteady in the side plank. Everything is shaking today.

6. That darn windshield.

7. She texts me to say that she’s been meaning to ask me about these things. I tell her that I’ve been on the verge of tears almost every day because of these things. There is much to talk about.

8. We lament over the amount of time it takes to do our daughter’s hair. I laugh to myself. Only another Black mom would understand.

9. It just doesn’t feel right.

10. I laugh.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Four

1. Cleaning clothes.

2. Almost forgot the coffee.

3. Where is the time going.

4. I think of how soothing it is to see a familiar face. Of how our time together seems like a lifetime ago.

5. All the snacks.

6. I didn’t think I’d stay.

7. Why did he bring that?

8. I just like to introduce those parts of me later. Not everyone needs to know.

9. Apparently, the sound of breaking class was the result of a baseball hitting my car. Of course. Of course, it would be my car.

10. A rally.