Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. The chill of early morning.

2. I open the window and spot the feathers of the dead bird from earlier in the week.

3. I explain to her the play on words: “Sauvignon” is based on the french word “Sauvage,” meaning “wild.” So, “Taming the Wild Vine,” is about capturing the elegance of Sauvignon Blanc. “We’ll see how it lands,” I say.

4. I do like this duster. I should wear it more often.

5. It’s quiet up here, peaceful. What a perfect spot.

6. His accent is charming. He’s smart. I was not expecting her to be here, but she is, and that makes me excited. A black woman who owns a winery in Sebastopol. I need to spend more time with her.

7. Everything is delicious. We will have to buy more Fog Crest rosé soon.

8. He looks so good in his uniform. Too bad the game was rescheduled.

9. We make plans for May. May is actually not that far away.

10. Staycation begins now.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. The siren again.

2. No more frogs. I turn on the waves.

3. Tiny bird taking stuffing from the chair to go build a nest.

4. We move the chair. The bird comes back and pecks at the deck. He needs more material.

5. Sunlight in my face.

6. It could be so much worse.

7. You can smell the smoke from Charter Oak.

8. Library appointment for the youngest. She helps him get his own card. They don’t ask for anything but a name. There’s also an easter egg hunt in the children’s section. She says to keep your ears open because people like to do things word of mouth here.

9. “The other thing I like about living here is that people are really nice,” he says as we exit.

10. Playing until the lights come on.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Not enough sleep.

2. He asks me if I’ve seen the bird. I look out the window. On the deck is a small bird with light green feathers, stiff. They must have flown into the window.

3. Loud crash. They have chopped down a tree.

4. I am not sure that I’m being very helpful. Sometimes you just need to be the open ear.

5. Unfocused.

6. We eat our lunch outside and talk. I tell him all the things that are bothering me. We look toward the mountains.

7. They have the bat.

8. Heitz Cellar Grignolino Rosé.

9. UNO after dinner.

10. He says the frogs are too loud.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. So quiet.

2. Dress for comfort. Remember that you’re hosting a tasting. Change clothes.

3. Shattered glass and Naked juice on slate tile.

4. Scattered brain.

5. He has the best energy.

6. I tell him that I think I scared the neighbor. The look on his face. I realize that I still wear the weight of their gaze.

7. The more you know, the more you can’t ignore.

8. Headache.

9. Women in wine Zoom. Madeline Triffon is just the most delightful woman.

10. Early shower. Headache. Ice cream?

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-One

1. What time did the frogs stop croaking?

2. Cold creeping in under the blanket.

3. I set out the bagels, and no one is eating them. What was even the point?

4. Sun in my face.

5. Comfort Zone. Stretch Zone. Panic Zone.

6. From Dismantling Racism: A Workbook for Social Change Groups, by Kenneth Jones and Tema Okun, ChangeWork, 2001: Perfectionism, Sense of Urgency, Defensiveness, Quantity over Quality, Worship of the Written Word, Only One Right Way, Paternalism, Either/Or Thinking, Power Hoarding, Fear of Open Conflict, Individualism, Progress if Bigger, Objectivity, Right to Comfort

7. Still in stretch mode.

8. What is my role in this?

9. I dig more oranges out of my sweater pocket.

10. I really need to rethink my meal plans moving forward if we’re going to have 2-hour long games on weeknights.

11. Too tired for ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty

1. That siren. Why?

2. Coyotes howling. So loudly. So close.

3. Realizing that our constant fatigue is a symptom of the constant hum of anxiety plus pandemic life.

4. Waiting for when I’m not tired all of the time.

5. Laundry and more laundry.

6. It’s hot today. It must be 80 degrees again. Even in the shade, you can feel it.

7. “Sometimes you gotta live on the edge a little bit.”

8. I clean up the leftovers and then take myself on a walk.

9. Golden light on a patch of poppies on the side of the road. Golden light peeking through the canopy of trees casting long shadows on the asphalt. One large rock covered in moss sitting on the side of the road. I think of how she told me that there was a rockslide by that bride a few years ago. Golden light on the hillside where the grass is going to seed. I watch the tall thin stalks sway in the wind.

10. What next?

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Early morning trip to the store for coffee.

2. I am always worried the neighbor hates the bells on my door.

3. They don’t want to come but we make them come. I try to make the trip as quick as possible.

4. I forgot that Easter is next week.

5. I leave him with the laundry and I take a book and my water outside. There is a sunny spot on the bench. I lay down and close my eyes.

6. I had not intended to stay.

7. Windows down. Dua Lipa up.

8. I tell her that today was easier. That I probably did myself a favor by not drinking a little bit of coffee before the shoot. And that her presence was helpful.

9. Everything looks golden.

10. But there is still the work of tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. TGIF.

2. The last few strips of bacon. I’m out of decaf so I opt for the regular coffee. I feel just fine.

3. No one is here yet. But now I need to use the bathroom.

4. Bright sun. Clear skies. Rooster crowing. Most of the mustard is gone. Budbreak. Listening, but not listening while he marks the posts; Chardonnay, Cabernet Franc, Merlot.

5. The moment when you realize that you do know more than you thought you knew.

6. Is this question about me, or them?

7. Dust in my eyes from being too close to the plate.

8. The image that keeps popping into my mind is the goddess pose, Utkata Konasana.

9. Matthiason Rosé.

10. See the beauty. Seek the truth. Take care. Stay curious.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Each morning she asks me what my plans are for the day. My answer is almost always the same.

2. She looks like she is somewhere that I want to be.

3. I can not forget the mouthguard at night.

4. The sun is fully up; I’ve eaten a waffle and had a sales call but have not yet had my decaf.

5. I think I need to move my desk to the other wall to use this space differently.

6. Warm enough in the sun to take off the sweater.

7. I appreciate his desire to help me solve my problem, which is really not a problem at all, but maybe an impasse?

8. “Confidence is a trait that has to be earned honestly and refreshed constantly…. Art is a vast democracy of habit.”

9. As Ashtin always says, “all of your favs are problematic.”

10. New neighbors.

11. He is asleep before me. The pain is keeping me awake. If I can go to sleep, I know it will be gone before tomorrow. I listen to a podcast and play a word game on my phone until I can no longer keep my eyes open.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. Nightmares.

2. Too much pain to go back to sleep. I listen for the frogs but hear nothing.

3. Waiting for the light.

4. Open to a blank page. Stare at it. Do nothing.

5. Selenite: crown chakra, ethereal energy.

6. I bend forward and see an unreasonably long toenail. I should do better.

7. “I’m just having another existential crisis, or crises,” I say, turning toward him and away from the sun. He proceeds to say that he believes I do know what I want, that I’m just afraid to say it for some reason.

8. We wipe down the new-to-him furniture with some oil. I remove the splinter. I water the plants. It is quiet. I make a list of the things we need to do.

9. A little bit of sweat on the hairline. A reminder that summer will return.

10. I know this feeling.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. Grind the beans, warm the soup, put the clothes in the dryer.

2. This is a good doc.

3. I am thinking about it, but I don’t want to talk about it.

4. She’s a wild one, which she would have to be, living alone on forty acres in Wyoming.

5. The sound of the wind through the treetops.

6. This feels almost normal.

7. Two bowls of leftover chicken alfredo.

8. I like these two.

9. Large white bubble envelope. In the envelope, a large box. In the box, a large book. I slide it out of the case and open the first page. I needed the reminder.

10. No dessert.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. Where are all the candles? And matches?

2. I decide to wait to enjoy my coffee until after I am done.

3. Old black denim and Sutro t-shirt under a sweater jacket. I look relaxed. I want to be relaxed.

4. I had the wrong time.

5. Are all of us pretending that we’re okay with what is happening?

6. I hadn’t intended to work this hard today on account of working on Saturday. Best laid plans…

7. He says he wants to wear his three-piece suit for picture day tomorrow. They tell him that it’s just a blazer. Then he asks for matching black pants.

8. What to do?

9. We’re late for softball. I hate being late.

10. Lingering light.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Wild, wild dreams.

2. Here comes the sun.

3. Chicken noodle soup for breakfast. Sweating from eating the hot soup.

4. I sit in the car. I’m usually just coming along for the ride - and the heated seats. I want the warmth.

5. Brown cows, green grass, blue sky. Alone in the car.

6. It is quiet up here on the hill. So quiet. I could sit here forever.

7. What is it about churches. I avoid them and yet admire their beauty. This one, with its Spanish architecture, and the golden glow of the afternoon sun coming through its small windows.

8. The reminder to dream bigger.

9. It’s almost midnight his time. I forget about the time change. Listening to him calms my nerves. After we hang up, I just put the numbers in the boxes and let it go.

10. If nothing else, I know what I don’t want to do. But is that enough?

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Of course, I can’t sleep in.

2. The line starts to form right at 6:28 am. They are the only place open this time of day - besides the Safeway.

3. Not enough filling.

4. One, two, three, four, five hot air balloons. I think of the headline that said that there are too many hot air balloons taking flight.

5. I find a taller vase for the irises and put the blooming branches in the crystal vase.

6. He says that the most important thing to do is trust your instinct no matter what.

7. Will I feel better, be kinder, have more energy if I just commit to making this shift?

8. Couldn’t ask for better weather for a wine tasting.

9. Charcuterie board for dinner.

10. “Our future is up to us.”

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-One

1. The sounds of rain coming from the tiny Bluetooth speakers.

2. Drops of melted ice cream on the counter. A stack of dirty bowls.

3. I am the source of time.

4. I lay on my back and watch the shifting shadows. Spider webs swaying.

5. “…breath is a portal…”

6. I hear all the things.

7. I just don’t understand the rules. Also, I’m not too fond of the rules that I do understand.

8. I decide to book myself an appointment at the library because it seems like an act of self-care.

9. It feels warm in the sun. Warmer than it should at only 60 degrees. Gratitudes.

10. I walk the path while I wait for my appointment time. Mustard. Some kind of pea or bean with purple blooms. Head-trained vines stand poised and solid like queens. I look up toward Mount Saint Helena. For a moment, everything feels right.

11. A whole library to yourself but then feeling worried about touching too many books.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty

1. Still tired.

2. I think about how I forgot to put sugar in the scones and decide to use the boxed waffle mix instead.

3. Clean and think. Think and clean.

4. The sound of the rain hitting the roof. I light the candle on my desk and watch the flame.

5. The difference between charity and solidarity. Where have I engaged in charity instead of solidarity?

6. I can’t remember the last time I got a shot. I feel my nerves, but she is quick. One down. One to go. I thought I’d be more excited.

7. “The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” - Eden Phillpotts as seen on new vision board

8. I can feel the answer in my body. It is another thing to speak it.

9. Sore arm. Tired. Ready for sleep.

10. Maybe I want none of it.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. The good news is that the sun will be up soon.

2. Stress baking blueberry scones. I move slowly. I know the recipe by heart.

3. That strange feeling in the chest and throat. Anxiety. I don’t think it’s the decaf.

4. I reread it six times before hitting send.

5. He says that the best thing about COVID was seeing his neighbors make time to play outside with their kids and being able to have lunch with his wife without worrying about tomorrow. I remove my glasses and dab my eyes with my napkin. “He’s going to think he made you cry.” “He did. He did make me cry.”

6. More tears. This is unprofessional to do, but I don’t care. It’s okay to be moved. It’s okay to be real.

7. Fresh dough from the local pizza joint.

8. Her.

9. I tell him that I cried. I tell him that her grandmother’s middle name is the same as his mother’s middle name. Not a coincidence, right?

10. “She’s not hungry because she’s had an emotional day. She’s cried twice today,” the children say. Such a weird thing to witness my children witnessing me.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. In the dream, she takes me to the apartment. There is no door, only a large window on the second floor. She pulls down a thin ladder, and we climb up slowly. This is odd. I cannot live here.

2. Scrambled eggs and bacon ftw. Small glass of orange juice. Decaf and frothy oat milk.

3. Doing that one thing yesterday makes today so much better.

4. She references her Indigenous tradition to make her introduction, and it is so beautiful. I think I might cry in my coffee.

5. When you watch someone you admire also admit a fear, you remember that you too can do hard things.

6. So many Italian accents.

7. I’ve never done it, but I believe I can do it, and sometimes that’s enough.

8. So much sun.

9. Baby smiles.

10. Review.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. So dark.

2. Pry it open just enough to brush the teeth.

3. I could lay right back down on this sofa and go to sleep.

4. Remember the Four Agreements.

5. Messages from the universe. Listening.

6. Puzzles on lunch break. I find the edges and make the connections.

7. We get there just before the rain begins. “I like the sound of the rain,” they say. “Me too.”

8. “I want to get a wallet-size picture so I can put it in my wallet.” “You want to carry a picture of yourself in your wallet?” “Yeah.” I shake my head.

9. The last glass of 2017 Gary Farrell McDonald Mountain Vineyard Pinot Noir.

10. “Our ability to grow is directly proportional to an ability to entertain the uncomfortable.” - Twyla Tharp, The Creative Habit

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Six

1. Forgot about the time change. Slept in. I ask her to reschedule.

2. Everything is printing out yellow. Oy. Of course. He says this is what happens when you try to do it cheaply.

3. Let it go.

4. That poor little robin. He keeps trying to fly through the window. I hope he finds what he’s looking for.

5. Soft glow of grey light.

6. Everything is contrary.

7. I should have napped.

8. I really don’t know what I want, do I?

9. “Auntie Alisha?” the littlest one says. “Yes, because my nieces are playing today.” “You’re an aunt, and a mother, and a sister, and a wife. You are a lot of things.” I feel seen.

10. Light behind the door. Gratitude for the way this house has carried me through winter. Ready for spring.