Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ten

1. 2:04 am.

2. 4:06 am.

3. Hungover but I didn’t even drink. Not enough water? Anxiety?

4. Tea for me and coffee for her.1000 miles apart. We agree that there needs to be a third season.

5. Oh, good. He does not want to take the cardboard up valley today either. Now we can just get straight to building the little dresser.

6. I tell him that I can’t do it anymore. This is the last one. Too much stress, not enough joy. He agrees.

7. I take a break on the front deck and lay on the bench with my face toward the sun. “My family in Wisconsin said it’s negative eighteen degrees!” She yells from the road. “I feel bad saying how beautiful it is here!”

8. Nachos with bacon and beef and chorizo, topped with cheese and scallions. The game is really only about the snacks.

9. Just let it go.

10. ”Your here used to be there.” - Sarah Jakes Roberts

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Nine

1. 3:07 am. Uh-oh. No. Not again.

2. Moths against the window.

3. Trying to settle my nerves. I want the mate but I probably shouldn’t. I want the coffee but I probably shouldn’t.

4. I see a tall black woman with curly hair walk into Whole Foods and I know exactly who she is. He tells me to go ahead and introduce myself, though.

5. Why is it so hard to find these rice noodles?

6. It is frustrating, but at least I am learning something new.

7. He tells me to trust my instinct.

8. He offers to drive, which heh always does, and really it is the best thing.

9. I am sweating, but it is gorgeous here. And the women I am with are amazing. And maybe that is all that matters.

10. The time went by faster than I intended. Did I get everything? I think I did. Maybe I didn’t? I don’t know. I suddenly can’t remember.

11. Maybe I do not have the nerves for this.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Eight

1. I wonder what time the frogs stop their croaking.

2. Where are my leggings?

3. We lean the bolsters on the stacked blocks and rest here at the end. This. I need to do this more often. Fridays with her are just my favorite.

4. Cold ankles.

5. Where is the time going?

6. So much sun. The landscapers are out. He always waves to me through the windows.

7. I warm up the samosas for them as an afterschool snack. She still insists on making macaroni and cheese.

8. I feel so fiery today. It’s because of the sun.

9. I tell him that I don’t think I can drink the mate because I’m feeling the same things I feel when I drink coffee. He thinks it’s because I drank the entire french press in one sitting. He might be right.

10. I haven’t laughed this much in a long time. Sacred space it is, this collective of people who wish to be their whole selves in a space that hasn’t always been open to them. Dreaming of outdoor garden parties with long tables and plenty of glassware and candle light and flowers and, and, and, and. All of this is part of the dream.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred and Seven

1. First thought: I need to say no.

2. I think of the writing session and the talk about patterns and the snarl in a pattern. What patterns do I wish to continue? Where are the snarls? Do the snarls point me toward a better solution?

3. Hashbrowns and bacon and V8. I forgot to buy tea from the grocery store yesterday. Or, maybe I should just fork over the money for Mudwater. Or, maybe I will just keep drinking warm water.

4. Sun, sun, sun.

5. Clean.

6. l ride with him to pick the kids up because I need to get out of the house. As in, my spirit is agitated, and this is what will fix it. Or maybe it’s because I didn’t journal this morning.

7. I say something about having wanted to be a good artist. She corrects me. She is right. I do make art. But there are other kinds of art I wish I were good at making. Sculpture, for one. Weaving. Painting. Drawing. Printmaking.

8. He orders the tacos, and I grab the Canela and yerba mate.

9. They tell us that the lockdown was so strict that you couldn’t even walk your dog. Couldn’t even be in your own yard. And to think how Americans feel so disenfranchised by a mask.

10. She tells me that she cannot kill the snails in her garden because of me, even though she would like to.

11. Finally, the mail. A sweet package from her. “I do miss my friends, too,” I say. “I miss them a lot.”

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Six

1. I forgot.

2. Sometimes the universe tests your truth by presenting things that look like opportunities but are not aligned with your values.

3. The sound of swishing water in the washing machine.

4. Finally, alone. Soaking in the silence while it lasts. I take a picture.

5. I move upstairs so that I have a little bit of privacy while we talk. So good to see a familiar face. We talk about goals and routines and Bridgerton and how toddler tantrums are not much different from teenage tantrums.

6. The sound of rain. The wetting of the deck. Looking up toward the trees.

7. I admit to him that I’m worried it won’t work out. “Look at where you are. Look at how many people told us this would never happen.”

8. “What’s your Lexile score?” big brother says to little sister. “I don’t know,” she says. “What is it?” he says again. “What’s yours?” she replies. “No, what’s yours? I asked you first.” “I don’t know! Tell me. What’s yours?!” “1245,” he says. “1247!” she laughs. We all laugh. So hard. I am relieved.

9. Again, the frogs.

10. Ice cream with caramel sauce. I may regret it in the morning, but I do not regret it right now.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Five

1. In the dream, Beyonce has asked me to take her portrait in her home. I have driven all the way to Los Angeles to do this. I have all of the props, but as I walk up the stairs, I realize that I do not have my camera. She tells me that she asked me to come a day early just to make sure everything is set correctly. I am relieved. I can go back home and get my camera. I am not ruined.

2. We should normalize changing one’s mind. Isn’t there a meme about that? Normalize changing one’s mind upon learning new information? Yes.

3. Out of ginger and cinnamon sticks. Why didn’t I buy any tea last week?

4. His eyes look gray, like a wolf. Could be the screen. I don’t know. I am mesmerized and terrified.

5. Sometimes you just have no control over the disruptions of your day.

6. It must be the same robin. Every day it thrusts its body against the window trying to break in. Bird brain.

7. I break the mailbox key. I laugh.

8. Of course she watched it. We text about the characters and the criticism.

9. Familiar faces. Writing in community. I love this. I love, love, love it. This makes me happy. This is worth being late to dinner.

10. The frogs are so, so loud. They make me smile.

Ten. One Thousand, Three Hundred & Four

1. I could have slept a little bit longer.

2. Limit the list.

3. Bacon and eggs and bagels. One day, I’ll try to make these from scratch.

4. Really missing the ginger in this water.

5. I read her list of ten things a writer should do and the list is all about the things you should take note of. The list is about being an observer of the world around you. I feel a sense of relief; I am, perhaps, doing exactly what I should be doing to develop myself and my craft.

6. Disappointed, but not surprised.

7. I need a small table. What do I have? An ironing board. I need a stand and clamps. What do I have? Tape and shutters. Good enough for now. Working within constraints.

8. The sunlight in the hall. This narrow space. Must capture the light.

9. I like it when she giggles at things. Once she starts, she can’t stop. And she laughs at the right things. She has a smart sense of humor. I appreciate that.

10. Lydia Davis and cabernet sauvignon in the tub.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Four

1. Up before the alarm. Back to the canned ocean waves.

2. Call rescheduled.

3. I set up the bathroom: hair, water, V8, laptop. What to watch? Should I or shouldn’t I? Let’s give it a shot.

4. I understand the critiques, but it is well written and exciting and, thank goodness I am stuck to this chair for at least five hours because it means I can binge the whole thing.

5. How is this even a question?

6. Truly, no peace.

7. He wants to be angry, but he is laughing, which means maybe we will get somewhere with this after all.

8. I bribe him with ice cream.

9. I have to miss the family call.

10. He’s a 28x32. His father is a 32x32. He is not far behind. He is getting taller than me every day.

11. We chase one another around the dining room table, trying to snap the towels against one another’s skin.

12. I tell him that I was in a good mood because it was the first day in a long time that I didn’t think about work. I relaxed. I took delight. I was engrossed in something completely unrelated to my productivity. Real rest.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Three

1. He’s up too. Good. I can turn on the light.

2. I pick a comfortable outfit and then remember that I have to go to the winery and meet people for their pick-ups.

3. If I’m meeting people for their pick-ups, that means I need to do my hair. Why did I take out my twists last night?!

4. I love our Skype calls. We start out by laughing at me and my V8 juice. I tell her I bought a whole flat of them from Costco and she laughs even harder. “I’m an old lady on the inside,” I say.

5. I realize that I didn’t factor in white space in my weekend and this saddens me.

6. Vallejo for hair.

7. I wait and wait. Walk around the winery, taking pictures of plants and the chickens and the mustard.

8. Never wait until Saturday to clean.

9. Wash day. The water is never hot enough.

10. I stare at them a lot and I think it’s probably normal. I’m sure most parents just stare at their children.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Two

1. Friday.

2. We’re getting closer. First, only a bun. Now we’re doing a curly ponytail. Once the rains are over, maybe she’ll finally wear her hair down.

3. Their faces. It’s been too long. Every time we talk, I am reminded of how long the last year has felt. And yet, here we are, already at the end of January. The construct of time is wild.

4. “You’re the queen of sleep.”

5. Wine deliveries.

6. The vibe here has never been good.

7. Fantastic Friday kinds of things.

8. This loaf is particularly pretty.

9. Why am I sitting on the floor of the bathroom, putting on lotion, and getting teary-eyed thinking about Selena and singing “Como la Flor.” Also, how beautiful that someone’s art can continue to move you after so many years.

10. 2015 Apsara Syrah. I tell him that we should buy the rest from him to take it off his hands. Still, one of my most favorite wines I’ve ever tasted.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & One

1. The floor is so cold I have to put my socks on right away.

2. I’ve stopped counting how many days it’s been. I’m craving a cup of coffee. But I know I shouldn’t. But I want it. But I can’t.

3. I don’t.

4. The sound of the rain. The tiny waves in the pond below. Fog weaving through the trees.

5. Look at all that bulk juice for sale. Yep. It’s who I thought it was.

6. Someone asks me if the glass has wine. I laugh. Then I go back to the picture. Cranberry juice, cranberry juice. Do I need to make a disclaimer? I am not a day-drinker.

7. More meetings should be done over tea.

8. He asks me to talk about what I did, specifically. I tell them that after getting my prescription, I don’t really remember what I did. Only that it was work. And then, I was able to try something new with my lights and camera and I got really close to the real deal. I did something new and that was exciting.

9. No one else seems to have much to say.

10. I sit on the bathroom floor in front of the heater and read through old Instagram posts. I miss my writing. That kind of writing. I miss the old days when you got to watch people make art with their life.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred

1. Still raining. Heavily. It’s peaceful, though I’m worried about what I will see when the light returns.

2. Pain. Pull up the app. Tap buttons to select symptoms. Hopefully, a prescription soon. Wait. I will have to drive 30 minutes to go retrieve the prescription.

3. I put my feet over the vents to warm my socked feet. Never warm enough.

4. The exact right kind of yoga for a day like today.

5. The way the light is illuminating the jar of water.

6. What do I want from this? These are all the areas I am exploring, I say. These are all the things that are floating in front of my face at this time, I say. I am a person who thrives under order, I say. I’m trying to bring back structures to support my own way of being, I say. The hour is going by too quickly. There is so much to say.

7. Push the shoulders down.

8. Immediately I am thinking of ways in which I can help her manifest that dream. Because I want her to have it. There is that mantra from You Are a Badass at Making Money that I repeat to myself often, “I love money because it helps me to become more of who I truly am.” Money isn’t everything but with the right resources, you can do a whole lot.

9. Push the shoulders down.

10. Wanting the rain to return.

11. A game of Would You Rather at the dinner table.

12. There it is. There is the rain with its big heavy drops hitting the metal roof.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. Slept in.

2. Slice up the Meyer lemons. Still out of cinnamon. Toss in cardamom and clove.

3. Singularity of vision.

4. It’s her birthday. We are talking. I am always taking notes when we talk.

5. When is the rain supposed to begin?

6. Part of me wants to end this conversation now, but I’m trying to be open-minded, but I also think he’s a quack, but I’m just going to listen. But I’m totally getting a second opinion.

7. We both agree.

8. Here comes the rain.

9. It’s a strange feeling to be both excited and also afraid of the rain.

10. The bath water looks clear enough until the tub is full. Now it still looks like a pale yellow, but I have already filled it up with water which might as well be dollar bills which means that I am getting into it and crossing my fingers. I read a collection of short stories by Lydia Davis and drink a tiny glass of wine, and the water is warm.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. In the dream, I wake him up and find that his whole body is covered in big while lumps, and there is some kind of fluid that has pasted his arm to his body. He is in pain. I feel his pain.

2. Day 8 or Day 9? Does it even matter anymore?

3. Why does the pavement look gray? I look for the outdoor temperature reading on the dash. It is 33 degrees on the valley floor. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen that number.

4. I end up sitting in her office and talking about wine and kids and swimming and Star Wars and hiking. She helps me carry the wine out to my car. We talk some more. I really like her.

5. He is in a pretty great mood. Really good.

6. He’s bored and asks if he can help me make dinner. I show him a faster way to peel the garlic and how to scoop out the flour without bending the handle.

7. I tell him that he doesn’t have to ask permission to call his grandma. “They’ll be more than happy to take your call at any time.”

8. “If you do get vanilla, will you please get caramel sauce?!”

9. “Authority is knowing you have the right to speak, and what you have to say contributes.” - Elaine Chukan Brown

10. A screen full of color reminding me to find what brings me joy in this space.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. Her light isn’t on yet. That means it’s still too early.

2. I try to quiet the mind but all I can think of is what needs to be tomorrow: reschedule this, pay that, order that, source this, drop-off that.

3. Sometimes the waves sound like a laugh track.

4. This is just a part of the cycle where the truth is magnified. Everything is revealed again.

5. Back down the valley. There is more laundry and I need more detergent.

6. We pose questions, share thoughts, and truth. No answers. I like it when people are okay with not being right.

7. I sit in the chair in the gray light. I should fold more laundry, but I just sit because I’m tired of doing all the laundry.

8. Bitter.

9. “What in the frikkity frak…” One of my favorite nights of the week.

10. Why?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. In the dream, I keep having to crawl through this tiny door to retrieve items from a tiny closet. The closet is leaking milk. My clothes are too tight and I can’t take them off. This frustrates me.

2. Day 7.

3. He bought one donut for each of us. I can’t resist.

4. The fog is thick and everything is wet from last night’s rain and this morning’s dew and it’s all just so beautiful.

5. It’s like a little slice of heaven. Pure heaven. I can’t even seem to compose my thoughts. I just want to stay here forever. This is what I want, I say to myself.

6. Laundry.

7. “Just have clarity of thought, clarity of vision, and clarity of presentation…” - Anna Wintor

8. Crab shell.

9. “…see, absorb, delight in…” - David Lynch

10. “I’m so glad you have such a good relationship with your parents,” he says. “Me, too.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Kerry’s light is on. It’s after 4:00 am.

2. I am always the angriest when cleaning toilets.

3. Day 6.

4. The sound of rain.

5. “That was all. I went on home.

   Feeling the same as when I’d left Amundsen. The train dragging me, disbelieving. Nothing changes, apparently, about love.” - “Amundsen,” Alice Munro

6. I almost fall asleep during savasana.

7. On the way back home, we spot the double rainbow. It’s so close that it looks like it’s sitting right behind the house. It feels like a good omen.

8. If I could just get rid of this steady current of fear…what is it, anyway? What is it, really, that I’m afraid of?

9. Isastegi Sagardo Basque Cider

10. Glad to not be the only other adults we know with 9:00 pm bedtimes.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. Just get up.

2. Trying to push away the thoughts. Should just meditate. That will help.

3. Out of cinnamon.

4. Day 5.

5. He says nothing on the drive. I try to get him to say something about the podcast or the weather. Just silence.

6. “It doesn’t matter how much education or money you have. If you’re not a good person, it means nothing.” I like this guy. He laughs at my bad jokes and the kid a gentle giant.

7. He’s googling the movie.

8. Headache.

9. I make a mental list of everything that is going wrong in this moment, in this week, in this month. It is so very long. I remind myself that life is hard for everyone.

10. Dairy-free ice cream is the worst. Just the absolute worst.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. So much quieter than the day before. Slightly cooler.

2. I put the pot on the stove. I fill it with water, lemons, cinnamon, some whole cloves, ginger, and the last bit of honey left in the jar.

3. Day 4.

4. I recall my conversation with her in the journal. “I told her that the thing about working is that there really isn’t much room for my own creativity anymore. It’s a double-edged sword: the ease of consistent income but the loss of creative energy.”

5. I always feel like the sun is late to greet meet. But I am always so early.

6. Ghosts, maybe? I was going to say it, but he said it first.

7. He joins us on the afternoon walk again. This time we run into a neighbor, and he decides to give her the whole rundown on the origins of their names. He tells her the incorrect ways people spell or pronounce his name.

8. Is this the hill I’m willing to die on?

9. “Why do your lips not touch when you say ‘touch,’ but they do touch when you say ‘separate’?“

10. They are FaceTiming them, and I remember how the guidance counselor said that he seemed to really enjoy spending time in New Orleans. And just the other day, she told me she wanted to go back just because she likes being around them.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. I don’t know what time it is, but it’s early. I listen to the wind.

2. “I’m scared.” “It’s just the wind.” “It sounds like something terrible is going to happen.”

3. Day 3.

4. Her voice. The hour goes by so quickly. It’s been too long. We make a date to do it again. I am all for intentional conversations.

5. The sun is bright and the sky is clear. The wind makes my eyes water. The fan makes a clunking sound as the blades spin. Slender stems of mustard.

6. Oh, I know who he is.

7. I tell him that my morning out in the vineyard was a reminder of why we came out here to do what I do.

8. The littlest one joins in on the afternoon walk. He brings a skateboard. I am scared that he’ll wipe out on one of these steep hills. He doesn’t. He’s fine and he never complains. I do love his sense of adventure.

9. This webinar is fascinating and I love learning from Charlie Toledo.

10. Golden State Cider Hamaica.