Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-One

1. The sound of the wind blowing through the trees. Almost like the ocean. Thuds that sound like people jumping inside the house are just limbs and pice cones smacking against the roof and windows.

2. Sleeping in. Way in.

3. Day three.

4. Large branches, two and three feet long and one-to-two inches in diameter, falling from the sky.

5. Please don’t break a window.

6. “I am the source of time.”

7. But what is it, really?

8. I settle into the hammock and read a few pages while we wait. Today is definitely a hammock day.

9. I remind myself to be patient, to remember that I don’t have to have it all planned out just yet. I can just listen to intuition and ask for guidance. When I need to know, I will know.

10. Winds picking back up.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety

1. I feel like I need to take another break. I can’t seem to hear myself.

2. Day 1.

3. Lemon and ginger and cinnamon and honey.

4. He doesn’t want to come, but I know he’ll love it. He always does.

5. I already want to take a nap and it’s only 10:30. I remind myself that this will wear off.

6. “This neighborhood is in the middle of nowhere.”

7. It’s not foggy today which means that there is so much more to see: more cows, more hills, more tilted barns.

8. I can see the driver looking over towards the water and swerving into our lane.

9. Up on the sand dune, I find half a wing of some coastal bird and an intact crab shell.

10. “The water, the water / Came to realize / It's a dangerous size” - Feist

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. “You know what I’m looking forward to today?” “What?” “Sitting on the front porch in the sun.”

2. It doesn’t open until 8am. What am I supposed to do all morning?!

3. Vineyard views on the way to the grocery store. Watching the fog swim through the vines.

4. I miss Trader Joe’s. I should make this trip down more often.

5. We decide to go up and see the trail. I realize that it’s the same one someone else told me about. I still don’t feel easy in this place.

6. Her hair looks amazing.

7. I tell her that I’m tired of feeling tired.

8. I don’t want to get better at things I’m not interested in and this is becoming a problem.

9. I listen to the music and sip on Raft Primitivo while deciding what to make with lemons.

10. Messed up the curd and yet they still taste divine.

11. “I don’t have a problem with the article. What is missing from this article is the reason why this kind of change will be slow and painful….I don’t have as much faith in these organizations as you do. No one likes change.”

12. I just really want to be able to take a bath.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Cleaning day.

2. Stay focused.

3. Bright sun on the tips of the trees.

4. She says the town has great spiritual energy. I’ve always felt slightly uncomfortable up there, like I was on private property, did not belong. I should do more research.

5. Sweet potato with a little bit of butter, salt, and cinnamon.

6. It’s coming along, but not as quickly as I’d like it to. Trust the process. I will regret it if I rush.

7. They say he’s mature for his age, and so kind. Yes, yes. I just need help with the grades…

8. First IG Live. That was fun. And fast.

9. In a pinch, lime juice here is only $1.99. I need to remember that.

10. I think about what it means to create spaces that actually serve your community and the barriers that make it difficult to do so.

11. The sky is a color pink that I have no name for.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. I decide to read more instead of write, which I might regret later.

2. Two bowls of chicken noodle soup for breakfast.

3. The attendance line texts me back and says that he’s required to stay home for ten days now. Crap. Did not think about the random sick day during COVID.

4. I hear him say “soul,” “story,” and “passion.”

5. We finally make it outside for our afternoon walk. It is bright and warm, and the air feels heavy. The leaves on our Japanese maple are still clinging to their branches, but other trees are beginning to bud. Spring is coming.

6. I stop at the window and look up into the sky. I want all of my clients to be like her, I say to myself. A whole basket full of Alices.

7. So many birds outside of the window.

8. Zoom call with her before dinner. I can’t wait until we get to sit with people again. Hurry up spring so that we can do all of the outdoor things.

9. I am ravenous. More hungry than I realized. So hungry that I wish there were enough for me to have thirds.

10. But he is right. Learning so many things.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. In the dream, we have somehow ended up in the same town, in the same hotel. We act as if we don’t know one another. I have somehow fixed it in my head that everything will change if they eat my food. I will feed them until the feeling returns.

2. 3:35 am.

3. What would one thousand, two hundred, and eighty-five of these look like printed out? I should try it.

4. Blueberry scones because there is time. Bread for them because there is time. I had told him that the best thing about 3:30 am is the quiet that I have for my self.

5. He says he’s not eating the scones. I tell him that the reason I put blueberries in them is because the last time I made scones, they were plain and HE ASKED ME FOR BLUEBERRIES! “I made these specifically for you!”

6. “And it is not the kind of unlocking that causes everything to rush through in a torrent. This time it is a slow and steady burning. For the first time in a long time, I am not afraid of it.” - Note to self 1/13/21

7. Resistance.

8. OMG teenagers. Also: I’m really becoming an adult. Look at me complaining about teenagers.

9. Everything I expected and also nothing like what I expected.

10. I hope he loses his ticklishness.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. I’m pretty sure it’s not time to wake up yet, so I will just keep my eyes closed and pretend like I will go back to sleep.

2. I still don’t know what to wear. I will just keep looking like a tree.

3. Not enough coffee. “I’m getting a cup of coffee. Can I bring you some?” “Yes.”

4. I think they like us. I think they really like us.

5. Play, play, play.

6. She’s gone. And that was so fast. So fast. So fast. Too fast.

7. So dark. I thought there would be sun. No sun. Just clouds. Quiet.

8. Ready for wine.

9. Bone broth in the chicken noodle soup. All the difference.

10. “Writing this letter is like putting a note in a bottle—/And hoping/It will reach Japan.” - Alice Munro

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. Already time?

2. Cold V8 juice. Dark skies. Water.

3. Ghosts in the trees, that’s what the fog looks like.

4. I get only a thin rectangle of words onto the screen before I need to make breakfast. But it

5. We get a few rounds of UNO in before they have to leave for school.

6. Once I get to the bottom of the hill, I turn the volume up, way up.

7. “This time, it only took me one minute to get out of the driveway,” I say. He chuckles. These days, getting a teenager to laugh at your corny jokes is the highlight of the day.

8. Oh boy. I hope this dude knows how this post sounds. But why does Nextdoor always tell you more than you want to know?

9. He makes the brownies almost by himself.

10. The dialogue in this is the worst.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. Awake but not getting up. Choosing stillness.

2. Fear that the day will go by quickly and I will have “wasted” it. What would it mean to “waste” a day?

3. Flashes of hot pink in the sunrise.

4. Weekly review. Upcoming dreams. What do I feel like right now?

5. I spin around in the chair and look at him. “What do you think about going to the ocean?”

6. Windows up with an unlit cigarette hanging from the side of his mouth. How long will he let it sit there before lighting it? Where is he going? Will he need to smoke it before he arrives at his destination? Does he want to mime the act of smoking? Are the windows all up because it’s still very chilly and a little misty, and those are less-than-ideal conditions for smoking in the car?

7. The trees and the grass. The softness of the landscape before you get to the rocky shore.

8. Jellyfish as big as dinner plates. All of them dead. Kids playing in the water with no shirts on, just shorts, legs frosted with sand.

9. One can of West and Wilder Chenin Blanc, crackers, Purple Haze goat cheese, Point Reyes Toma, salami. We park at a lookout and eat while staring out into the bay.

10. “I don’t want to be a rancher, but it is awfully nice and quiet out here.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. Sleep in.

2. Soft sunrise.

3. I make the bed completely and then turn down my side because I know I’m coming right back after I eat.

4. Coffee and The Art of Living.

5. Demo on a Saturday?

6. Three-hour nap. I could go right back to bed. Instead, I get up and make more hot tea, sit and try to read more Alice Munro.

7. Thinking about self and identity, regrets, and non-regrets.

8. What is inherited? What is learned? What is chosen?

9. Daydreams of a moderately-sized house on a big piece of land by the sea, and lots of sunlight and quiet and birdwatching.

10. Trading riddles over FaceTime.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Not the same dream.

2. Drape the blanket over the legs.

3. Frost on the grass below. The fog slowly lifting. The two swans gliding across the dark water.

4. I’m just so worried that one day, I’m going to lift my foot off the brake, and the car will roll straight through the garage door. “It’s not going to happen,” the thirteen-year-old says to me.

5. Oh boy, tree work up on the knoll.

6. Her face and her voice. I miss her. But there is this kind of time together talking about writing and not writing.

7. Mock-ups!

8. Exhausted.

9. I guess it was enough for four.

10. “We would have been even earlier if it hadn’t taken mom so long to get out of the driveway. We sat there for like, four minutes.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty

1. “I don’t care.” “I knew you would say that because you’re French.” I want to go back to the dream.

2. Fire in the throat. Hot water and lemon and honey. Again. How much work can I do from bed today? When was the last time I was sick?

3. Waiting for sunrise.

4. Thirty minutes into my hour of writing, and I’m still reading through old notes. That counts, right?

5. Can I go back to the dream?

6. I decide to stick to the desk and make my way through the to-do list. That’s the best thing to do. I won’t be able to rest anyway.

7. “We don’t have a QR scanner.” I am honestly not surprised.

8. But can I go back to the dream?

9. “Black Twitter brought the laughs, but today I wonder about our PTSD from constantly dealing with people living in alternate realities.”

10. Don’t want to.

11. But the dream.

12. Ready for summer and hammock and sunning on the front porch and dresses and being barefoot and growing things and drinking nothing but rosé and champagne and sauvignon blanc.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. Numb thumb. I probably had my hand on the V8 can for too long.

2. Back to the words. Ten minutes at a time. I still don’t always enjoy it. But always feel better after it’s done.

3. How many trips up the stairs will I have to make in order to wake the children up for school?

4. I stuff raincoats into everyone’s hands, just in case.

5. Ooops. 11:57. Late picking him up. Gotta remember the reminders.

6. 1:17. Forgot the second pick-up. OMG. Re-set the alarms.

7. What in the world is happening?

8. The sound of rain. The sound of metal clashing. The sound of the woodchipper.

9. Two pots of tea and lemon and honey and still worse.

10. Cancel all the things. Do the bare minimum. This is just the body feeling worn down from heightened stress. This is just the need for rest.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. 3:24 am.

2. 4:34 am.

3. Rereading old work to spark ideas for new work. Past and present colliding.

4. The camera just isn’t capturing the colors of the sunrise and the fog, and the silhouettes of the trees.

5. Our time together always goes by too quickly. Too, too quickly. We could talk for hours.

6. Leftover soup.

7. It’s colder than I thought. Cold hands and cold feet. The moss on the rocks is glowing; looks supernatural. Inhale the smell of the wet rocks and burned wood.

8. She is the best.

9. I send a request to the online chat, which is an actual person somewhere in the library. The books are on a cart by the parking lot. Next to my books is also a very large stack of DVDs. I want to read all of the titles because maybe this person could be my friend.

10. The turkey didn’t thaw.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. Waking up with the lyrics in your head.

2. The smell of bone broth simmering.

3. Hard, hard, rain. I want to go back to bed, back to the dark, with a book and my coffee and the sound of the rain.

4. I start to write emails and then remember Jeff’s trick. Don’t bother people before 8 am. I turn the computer to airplane mode and let everything sit in the outbox until a more reasonable time.

5. I do like order.

6. We set a time and catch up. It’s so good to hear a familiar voice.

7. Leftover duck confit and duck fat fries for lunch.

8. Mouth and jaw stretches at the desk.

9. 2018 Heitz Cellar Quartz Creek Chardonnay. 2017 Pax Mahle Armagh Vineyard Syrah.

10. Take it all back?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. In the dream, I have entered her home and am waiting to surprise her. She is surprised, but not exactly happy about it. This surprise does not have the effect that I want it to have.

2. Though I know why it ended, I still miss it. And that’s okay.

3. I can barely open my mouth. I can open wide enough for the spoons of yogurt I want to eat before drinking coffee.

4. Thick fog. Camera in hand. Everything is saturated and alive and quiet.

5. Nothing else opens until noon.

6. We find the sweaters and the pants, nothing for the oldest except Vans.

7. I show her the ceramics in the window and talk about what I love about the shop. Someone is inside. I think he’s telling me through the glass that he likes my bun.

8. We decided to walk the galleries when we don’t have chai and donuts in our hands.

9. “Are you living, or are you existing?”

10. “You are the rite of movement / Its reasonin' made lucid and cool / I know it's no improvement / When you move, I move..” - Movement, Hozier

11. Since she already took the wings, he can’t decide if he wants a thigh or a breast. “It’s all chicken!” she yells from the dining room.

12. “Who’s Selena? The girl in the store had her on her shirt,” she says. “Oh, I can’t hear any of her music and not cry,” I say.

13. “So the thing about the mouthguard is that it keeps your teeth from grinding, but it doesn’t keep you from clenching your jaw so tight that you can’t open your mouth when you wake up.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. The sound of rain.

2. No hike today. Of course not.

3. It's only Saturday, but it feels like Sunday, which is a gift, I guess.

4. Headache.

5. So tired.

6. I choose the down for the weight, even though I know I will get hot.

7. I tell him that I've been going to bed later so that I can wake up at a more reasonable time, but now I feel tired. I’m not waking up refreshed. I’d rather wake up at 3:30 and feel rested than wake up at 5:00 and still feel tired.

8. Cold coffee and cinnamon and chili powder and oregano and cumin and garlic.

9. I’ve seen the video ten times, and it still makes me laugh. “The branch takes a child, the branch takes a child.”

10. Sometimes my mind is full of things that don’t seem to make any sense.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Time to finish the cinnamon rolls.

2. This time of morning is my favorite. The pale yellow glow of dawn slowly rising, illuminating the knoll, casting light onto the little pond below.

3. Yoga with Jayne.

4. My eyes follow the cracks of the bark all the way up to the tip-top where the crown meets the sky. It is just blue and green and gray-brown.

5. She draws the same card I’ve been drawing the past two days.

6. He helps me move the desk over by the bed. Still not sure if it’s aesthetically pleasing, but it is nice to have a space with a door and a de facto nightstand.

7. Why does this feel like work?

8. “Keep it pointed to where you want it to go.” - Danielle LaPorte. Whatever happened to her?

9. That car doesn’t look familiar. I bet they’re looking at the house. But I want the interracial couple to come back again.

10. Thinking of the next steps. Just do the next thing.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Less sweating.

2. Why am I making bacon when I have to fast for at least three more hours?

3. This one has the body scan for taking the temperature. Do I like this device or do I like that no one has to come withing twelve inches of my face to take my temperature?

4. She says that she’s Brazilian and still can’t get used to the cold. I laugh to myself; 45 degrees is not cold.

5. Everything looks brighter on cleaning day.

6. He puts his new desk together almost by himself; I help with the screws.

7. “Build a vision others can believe in.” - Anna Wintour

8. Rendering the duck fat.

9. Slightly anemic. That’s what I thought. Address this first and see if the circulation issues get better.

10. They want to stay up late. I want to be asleep by 9.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. 3:15. I think I can get myself back to sleep again.

2. Life as art. Self as the creator.

3. I need that mouthguard.

4. I should have written everything down right after I got out of the shower.

5. Her red hair. Love, love, love her red hair.

6. She asks me if I’ve been fasting for 10 hours. My order requires that I fast, she says. I tell her that the medical assistant didn’t put that in the email. I suppose I should have remembered that not eating is a part of the process. I guess I’ll be back tomorrow.

7. Wasting time in the parking lot, eating In-n-Out. “I think Keller is right. This is a superior burger.”

8. We end up talking in the parking lot while cars zip by. I almost start to walk away without the duck.

9. I need a nap. I can’t nap.

10. The sound of the rain falling on the roof. The scent of fire even though nothing is burning.