Ten. One Thousand, Three Hundred & Four

1. I could have slept a little bit longer.

2. Limit the list.

3. Bacon and eggs and bagels. One day, I’ll try to make these from scratch.

4. Really missing the ginger in this water.

5. I read her list of ten things a writer should do and the list is all about the things you should take note of. The list is about being an observer of the world around you. I feel a sense of relief; I am, perhaps, doing exactly what I should be doing to develop myself and my craft.

6. Disappointed, but not surprised.

7. I need a small table. What do I have? An ironing board. I need a stand and clamps. What do I have? Tape and shutters. Good enough for now. Working within constraints.

8. The sunlight in the hall. This narrow space. Must capture the light.

9. I like it when she giggles at things. Once she starts, she can’t stop. And she laughs at the right things. She has a smart sense of humor. I appreciate that.

10. Lydia Davis and cabernet sauvignon in the tub.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Four

1. Up before the alarm. Back to the canned ocean waves.

2. Call rescheduled.

3. I set up the bathroom: hair, water, V8, laptop. What to watch? Should I or shouldn’t I? Let’s give it a shot.

4. I understand the critiques, but it is well written and exciting and, thank goodness I am stuck to this chair for at least five hours because it means I can binge the whole thing.

5. How is this even a question?

6. Truly, no peace.

7. He wants to be angry, but he is laughing, which means maybe we will get somewhere with this after all.

8. I bribe him with ice cream.

9. I have to miss the family call.

10. He’s a 28x32. His father is a 32x32. He is not far behind. He is getting taller than me every day.

11. We chase one another around the dining room table, trying to snap the towels against one another’s skin.

12. I tell him that I was in a good mood because it was the first day in a long time that I didn’t think about work. I relaxed. I took delight. I was engrossed in something completely unrelated to my productivity. Real rest.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Three

1. He’s up too. Good. I can turn on the light.

2. I pick a comfortable outfit and then remember that I have to go to the winery and meet people for their pick-ups.

3. If I’m meeting people for their pick-ups, that means I need to do my hair. Why did I take out my twists last night?!

4. I love our Skype calls. We start out by laughing at me and my V8 juice. I tell her I bought a whole flat of them from Costco and she laughs even harder. “I’m an old lady on the inside,” I say.

5. I realize that I didn’t factor in white space in my weekend and this saddens me.

6. Vallejo for hair.

7. I wait and wait. Walk around the winery, taking pictures of plants and the chickens and the mustard.

8. Never wait until Saturday to clean.

9. Wash day. The water is never hot enough.

10. I stare at them a lot and I think it’s probably normal. I’m sure most parents just stare at their children.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Two

1. Friday.

2. We’re getting closer. First, only a bun. Now we’re doing a curly ponytail. Once the rains are over, maybe she’ll finally wear her hair down.

3. Their faces. It’s been too long. Every time we talk, I am reminded of how long the last year has felt. And yet, here we are, already at the end of January. The construct of time is wild.

4. “You’re the queen of sleep.”

5. Wine deliveries.

6. The vibe here has never been good.

7. Fantastic Friday kinds of things.

8. This loaf is particularly pretty.

9. Why am I sitting on the floor of the bathroom, putting on lotion, and getting teary-eyed thinking about Selena and singing “Como la Flor.” Also, how beautiful that someone’s art can continue to move you after so many years.

10. 2015 Apsara Syrah. I tell him that we should buy the rest from him to take it off his hands. Still, one of my most favorite wines I’ve ever tasted.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & One

1. The floor is so cold I have to put my socks on right away.

2. I’ve stopped counting how many days it’s been. I’m craving a cup of coffee. But I know I shouldn’t. But I want it. But I can’t.

3. I don’t.

4. The sound of the rain. The tiny waves in the pond below. Fog weaving through the trees.

5. Look at all that bulk juice for sale. Yep. It’s who I thought it was.

6. Someone asks me if the glass has wine. I laugh. Then I go back to the picture. Cranberry juice, cranberry juice. Do I need to make a disclaimer? I am not a day-drinker.

7. More meetings should be done over tea.

8. He asks me to talk about what I did, specifically. I tell them that after getting my prescription, I don’t really remember what I did. Only that it was work. And then, I was able to try something new with my lights and camera and I got really close to the real deal. I did something new and that was exciting.

9. No one else seems to have much to say.

10. I sit on the bathroom floor in front of the heater and read through old Instagram posts. I miss my writing. That kind of writing. I miss the old days when you got to watch people make art with their life.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred

1. Still raining. Heavily. It’s peaceful, though I’m worried about what I will see when the light returns.

2. Pain. Pull up the app. Tap buttons to select symptoms. Hopefully, a prescription soon. Wait. I will have to drive 30 minutes to go retrieve the prescription.

3. I put my feet over the vents to warm my socked feet. Never warm enough.

4. The exact right kind of yoga for a day like today.

5. The way the light is illuminating the jar of water.

6. What do I want from this? These are all the areas I am exploring, I say. These are all the things that are floating in front of my face at this time, I say. I am a person who thrives under order, I say. I’m trying to bring back structures to support my own way of being, I say. The hour is going by too quickly. There is so much to say.

7. Push the shoulders down.

8. Immediately I am thinking of ways in which I can help her manifest that dream. Because I want her to have it. There is that mantra from You Are a Badass at Making Money that I repeat to myself often, “I love money because it helps me to become more of who I truly am.” Money isn’t everything but with the right resources, you can do a whole lot.

9. Push the shoulders down.

10. Wanting the rain to return.

11. A game of Would You Rather at the dinner table.

12. There it is. There is the rain with its big heavy drops hitting the metal roof.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. Slept in.

2. Slice up the Meyer lemons. Still out of cinnamon. Toss in cardamom and clove.

3. Singularity of vision.

4. It’s her birthday. We are talking. I am always taking notes when we talk.

5. When is the rain supposed to begin?

6. Part of me wants to end this conversation now, but I’m trying to be open-minded, but I also think he’s a quack, but I’m just going to listen. But I’m totally getting a second opinion.

7. We both agree.

8. Here comes the rain.

9. It’s a strange feeling to be both excited and also afraid of the rain.

10. The bath water looks clear enough until the tub is full. Now it still looks like a pale yellow, but I have already filled it up with water which might as well be dollar bills which means that I am getting into it and crossing my fingers. I read a collection of short stories by Lydia Davis and drink a tiny glass of wine, and the water is warm.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. In the dream, I wake him up and find that his whole body is covered in big while lumps, and there is some kind of fluid that has pasted his arm to his body. He is in pain. I feel his pain.

2. Day 8 or Day 9? Does it even matter anymore?

3. Why does the pavement look gray? I look for the outdoor temperature reading on the dash. It is 33 degrees on the valley floor. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen that number.

4. I end up sitting in her office and talking about wine and kids and swimming and Star Wars and hiking. She helps me carry the wine out to my car. We talk some more. I really like her.

5. He is in a pretty great mood. Really good.

6. He’s bored and asks if he can help me make dinner. I show him a faster way to peel the garlic and how to scoop out the flour without bending the handle.

7. I tell him that he doesn’t have to ask permission to call his grandma. “They’ll be more than happy to take your call at any time.”

8. “If you do get vanilla, will you please get caramel sauce?!”

9. “Authority is knowing you have the right to speak, and what you have to say contributes.” - Elaine Chukan Brown

10. A screen full of color reminding me to find what brings me joy in this space.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. Her light isn’t on yet. That means it’s still too early.

2. I try to quiet the mind but all I can think of is what needs to be tomorrow: reschedule this, pay that, order that, source this, drop-off that.

3. Sometimes the waves sound like a laugh track.

4. This is just a part of the cycle where the truth is magnified. Everything is revealed again.

5. Back down the valley. There is more laundry and I need more detergent.

6. We pose questions, share thoughts, and truth. No answers. I like it when people are okay with not being right.

7. I sit in the chair in the gray light. I should fold more laundry, but I just sit because I’m tired of doing all the laundry.

8. Bitter.

9. “What in the frikkity frak…” One of my favorite nights of the week.

10. Why?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. In the dream, I keep having to crawl through this tiny door to retrieve items from a tiny closet. The closet is leaking milk. My clothes are too tight and I can’t take them off. This frustrates me.

2. Day 7.

3. He bought one donut for each of us. I can’t resist.

4. The fog is thick and everything is wet from last night’s rain and this morning’s dew and it’s all just so beautiful.

5. It’s like a little slice of heaven. Pure heaven. I can’t even seem to compose my thoughts. I just want to stay here forever. This is what I want, I say to myself.

6. Laundry.

7. “Just have clarity of thought, clarity of vision, and clarity of presentation…” - Anna Wintor

8. Crab shell.

9. “…see, absorb, delight in…” - David Lynch

10. “I’m so glad you have such a good relationship with your parents,” he says. “Me, too.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Kerry’s light is on. It’s after 4:00 am.

2. I am always the angriest when cleaning toilets.

3. Day 6.

4. The sound of rain.

5. “That was all. I went on home.

   Feeling the same as when I’d left Amundsen. The train dragging me, disbelieving. Nothing changes, apparently, about love.” - “Amundsen,” Alice Munro

6. I almost fall asleep during savasana.

7. On the way back home, we spot the double rainbow. It’s so close that it looks like it’s sitting right behind the house. It feels like a good omen.

8. If I could just get rid of this steady current of fear…what is it, anyway? What is it, really, that I’m afraid of?

9. Isastegi Sagardo Basque Cider

10. Glad to not be the only other adults we know with 9:00 pm bedtimes.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. Just get up.

2. Trying to push away the thoughts. Should just meditate. That will help.

3. Out of cinnamon.

4. Day 5.

5. He says nothing on the drive. I try to get him to say something about the podcast or the weather. Just silence.

6. “It doesn’t matter how much education or money you have. If you’re not a good person, it means nothing.” I like this guy. He laughs at my bad jokes and the kid a gentle giant.

7. He’s googling the movie.

8. Headache.

9. I make a mental list of everything that is going wrong in this moment, in this week, in this month. It is so very long. I remind myself that life is hard for everyone.

10. Dairy-free ice cream is the worst. Just the absolute worst.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. So much quieter than the day before. Slightly cooler.

2. I put the pot on the stove. I fill it with water, lemons, cinnamon, some whole cloves, ginger, and the last bit of honey left in the jar.

3. Day 4.

4. I recall my conversation with her in the journal. “I told her that the thing about working is that there really isn’t much room for my own creativity anymore. It’s a double-edged sword: the ease of consistent income but the loss of creative energy.”

5. I always feel like the sun is late to greet meet. But I am always so early.

6. Ghosts, maybe? I was going to say it, but he said it first.

7. He joins us on the afternoon walk again. This time we run into a neighbor, and he decides to give her the whole rundown on the origins of their names. He tells her the incorrect ways people spell or pronounce his name.

8. Is this the hill I’m willing to die on?

9. “Why do your lips not touch when you say ‘touch,’ but they do touch when you say ‘separate’?“

10. They are FaceTiming them, and I remember how the guidance counselor said that he seemed to really enjoy spending time in New Orleans. And just the other day, she told me she wanted to go back just because she likes being around them.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. I don’t know what time it is, but it’s early. I listen to the wind.

2. “I’m scared.” “It’s just the wind.” “It sounds like something terrible is going to happen.”

3. Day 3.

4. Her voice. The hour goes by so quickly. It’s been too long. We make a date to do it again. I am all for intentional conversations.

5. The sun is bright and the sky is clear. The wind makes my eyes water. The fan makes a clunking sound as the blades spin. Slender stems of mustard.

6. Oh, I know who he is.

7. I tell him that my morning out in the vineyard was a reminder of why we came out here to do what I do.

8. The littlest one joins in on the afternoon walk. He brings a skateboard. I am scared that he’ll wipe out on one of these steep hills. He doesn’t. He’s fine and he never complains. I do love his sense of adventure.

9. This webinar is fascinating and I love learning from Charlie Toledo.

10. Golden State Cider Hamaica.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-One

1. The sound of the wind blowing through the trees. Almost like the ocean. Thuds that sound like people jumping inside the house are just limbs and pice cones smacking against the roof and windows.

2. Sleeping in. Way in.

3. Day three.

4. Large branches, two and three feet long and one-to-two inches in diameter, falling from the sky.

5. Please don’t break a window.

6. “I am the source of time.”

7. But what is it, really?

8. I settle into the hammock and read a few pages while we wait. Today is definitely a hammock day.

9. I remind myself to be patient, to remember that I don’t have to have it all planned out just yet. I can just listen to intuition and ask for guidance. When I need to know, I will know.

10. Winds picking back up.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety

1. I feel like I need to take another break. I can’t seem to hear myself.

2. Day 1.

3. Lemon and ginger and cinnamon and honey.

4. He doesn’t want to come, but I know he’ll love it. He always does.

5. I already want to take a nap and it’s only 10:30. I remind myself that this will wear off.

6. “This neighborhood is in the middle of nowhere.”

7. It’s not foggy today which means that there is so much more to see: more cows, more hills, more tilted barns.

8. I can see the driver looking over towards the water and swerving into our lane.

9. Up on the sand dune, I find half a wing of some coastal bird and an intact crab shell.

10. “The water, the water / Came to realize / It's a dangerous size” - Feist

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. “You know what I’m looking forward to today?” “What?” “Sitting on the front porch in the sun.”

2. It doesn’t open until 8am. What am I supposed to do all morning?!

3. Vineyard views on the way to the grocery store. Watching the fog swim through the vines.

4. I miss Trader Joe’s. I should make this trip down more often.

5. We decide to go up and see the trail. I realize that it’s the same one someone else told me about. I still don’t feel easy in this place.

6. Her hair looks amazing.

7. I tell her that I’m tired of feeling tired.

8. I don’t want to get better at things I’m not interested in and this is becoming a problem.

9. I listen to the music and sip on Raft Primitivo while deciding what to make with lemons.

10. Messed up the curd and yet they still taste divine.

11. “I don’t have a problem with the article. What is missing from this article is the reason why this kind of change will be slow and painful….I don’t have as much faith in these organizations as you do. No one likes change.”

12. I just really want to be able to take a bath.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Cleaning day.

2. Stay focused.

3. Bright sun on the tips of the trees.

4. She says the town has great spiritual energy. I’ve always felt slightly uncomfortable up there, like I was on private property, did not belong. I should do more research.

5. Sweet potato with a little bit of butter, salt, and cinnamon.

6. It’s coming along, but not as quickly as I’d like it to. Trust the process. I will regret it if I rush.

7. They say he’s mature for his age, and so kind. Yes, yes. I just need help with the grades…

8. First IG Live. That was fun. And fast.

9. In a pinch, lime juice here is only $1.99. I need to remember that.

10. I think about what it means to create spaces that actually serve your community and the barriers that make it difficult to do so.

11. The sky is a color pink that I have no name for.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. I decide to read more instead of write, which I might regret later.

2. Two bowls of chicken noodle soup for breakfast.

3. The attendance line texts me back and says that he’s required to stay home for ten days now. Crap. Did not think about the random sick day during COVID.

4. I hear him say “soul,” “story,” and “passion.”

5. We finally make it outside for our afternoon walk. It is bright and warm, and the air feels heavy. The leaves on our Japanese maple are still clinging to their branches, but other trees are beginning to bud. Spring is coming.

6. I stop at the window and look up into the sky. I want all of my clients to be like her, I say to myself. A whole basket full of Alices.

7. So many birds outside of the window.

8. Zoom call with her before dinner. I can’t wait until we get to sit with people again. Hurry up spring so that we can do all of the outdoor things.

9. I am ravenous. More hungry than I realized. So hungry that I wish there were enough for me to have thirds.

10. But he is right. Learning so many things.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. In the dream, we have somehow ended up in the same town, in the same hotel. We act as if we don’t know one another. I have somehow fixed it in my head that everything will change if they eat my food. I will feed them until the feeling returns.

2. 3:35 am.

3. What would one thousand, two hundred, and eighty-five of these look like printed out? I should try it.

4. Blueberry scones because there is time. Bread for them because there is time. I had told him that the best thing about 3:30 am is the quiet that I have for my self.

5. He says he’s not eating the scones. I tell him that the reason I put blueberries in them is because the last time I made scones, they were plain and HE ASKED ME FOR BLUEBERRIES! “I made these specifically for you!”

6. “And it is not the kind of unlocking that causes everything to rush through in a torrent. This time it is a slow and steady burning. For the first time in a long time, I am not afraid of it.” - Note to self 1/13/21

7. Resistance.

8. OMG teenagers. Also: I’m really becoming an adult. Look at me complaining about teenagers.

9. Everything I expected and also nothing like what I expected.

10. I hope he loses his ticklishness.