Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. I’m pretty sure it’s not time to wake up yet, so I will just keep my eyes closed and pretend like I will go back to sleep.

2. I still don’t know what to wear. I will just keep looking like a tree.

3. Not enough coffee. “I’m getting a cup of coffee. Can I bring you some?” “Yes.”

4. I think they like us. I think they really like us.

5. Play, play, play.

6. She’s gone. And that was so fast. So fast. So fast. Too fast.

7. So dark. I thought there would be sun. No sun. Just clouds. Quiet.

8. Ready for wine.

9. Bone broth in the chicken noodle soup. All the difference.

10. “Writing this letter is like putting a note in a bottle—/And hoping/It will reach Japan.” - Alice Munro

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. Already time?

2. Cold V8 juice. Dark skies. Water.

3. Ghosts in the trees, that’s what the fog looks like.

4. I get only a thin rectangle of words onto the screen before I need to make breakfast. But it

5. We get a few rounds of UNO in before they have to leave for school.

6. Once I get to the bottom of the hill, I turn the volume up, way up.

7. “This time, it only took me one minute to get out of the driveway,” I say. He chuckles. These days, getting a teenager to laugh at your corny jokes is the highlight of the day.

8. Oh boy. I hope this dude knows how this post sounds. But why does Nextdoor always tell you more than you want to know?

9. He makes the brownies almost by himself.

10. The dialogue in this is the worst.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. Awake but not getting up. Choosing stillness.

2. Fear that the day will go by quickly and I will have “wasted” it. What would it mean to “waste” a day?

3. Flashes of hot pink in the sunrise.

4. Weekly review. Upcoming dreams. What do I feel like right now?

5. I spin around in the chair and look at him. “What do you think about going to the ocean?”

6. Windows up with an unlit cigarette hanging from the side of his mouth. How long will he let it sit there before lighting it? Where is he going? Will he need to smoke it before he arrives at his destination? Does he want to mime the act of smoking? Are the windows all up because it’s still very chilly and a little misty, and those are less-than-ideal conditions for smoking in the car?

7. The trees and the grass. The softness of the landscape before you get to the rocky shore.

8. Jellyfish as big as dinner plates. All of them dead. Kids playing in the water with no shirts on, just shorts, legs frosted with sand.

9. One can of West and Wilder Chenin Blanc, crackers, Purple Haze goat cheese, Point Reyes Toma, salami. We park at a lookout and eat while staring out into the bay.

10. “I don’t want to be a rancher, but it is awfully nice and quiet out here.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. Sleep in.

2. Soft sunrise.

3. I make the bed completely and then turn down my side because I know I’m coming right back after I eat.

4. Coffee and The Art of Living.

5. Demo on a Saturday?

6. Three-hour nap. I could go right back to bed. Instead, I get up and make more hot tea, sit and try to read more Alice Munro.

7. Thinking about self and identity, regrets, and non-regrets.

8. What is inherited? What is learned? What is chosen?

9. Daydreams of a moderately-sized house on a big piece of land by the sea, and lots of sunlight and quiet and birdwatching.

10. Trading riddles over FaceTime.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Not the same dream.

2. Drape the blanket over the legs.

3. Frost on the grass below. The fog slowly lifting. The two swans gliding across the dark water.

4. I’m just so worried that one day, I’m going to lift my foot off the brake, and the car will roll straight through the garage door. “It’s not going to happen,” the thirteen-year-old says to me.

5. Oh boy, tree work up on the knoll.

6. Her face and her voice. I miss her. But there is this kind of time together talking about writing and not writing.

7. Mock-ups!

8. Exhausted.

9. I guess it was enough for four.

10. “We would have been even earlier if it hadn’t taken mom so long to get out of the driveway. We sat there for like, four minutes.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty

1. “I don’t care.” “I knew you would say that because you’re French.” I want to go back to the dream.

2. Fire in the throat. Hot water and lemon and honey. Again. How much work can I do from bed today? When was the last time I was sick?

3. Waiting for sunrise.

4. Thirty minutes into my hour of writing, and I’m still reading through old notes. That counts, right?

5. Can I go back to the dream?

6. I decide to stick to the desk and make my way through the to-do list. That’s the best thing to do. I won’t be able to rest anyway.

7. “We don’t have a QR scanner.” I am honestly not surprised.

8. But can I go back to the dream?

9. “Black Twitter brought the laughs, but today I wonder about our PTSD from constantly dealing with people living in alternate realities.”

10. Don’t want to.

11. But the dream.

12. Ready for summer and hammock and sunning on the front porch and dresses and being barefoot and growing things and drinking nothing but rosé and champagne and sauvignon blanc.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. Numb thumb. I probably had my hand on the V8 can for too long.

2. Back to the words. Ten minutes at a time. I still don’t always enjoy it. But always feel better after it’s done.

3. How many trips up the stairs will I have to make in order to wake the children up for school?

4. I stuff raincoats into everyone’s hands, just in case.

5. Ooops. 11:57. Late picking him up. Gotta remember the reminders.

6. 1:17. Forgot the second pick-up. OMG. Re-set the alarms.

7. What in the world is happening?

8. The sound of rain. The sound of metal clashing. The sound of the woodchipper.

9. Two pots of tea and lemon and honey and still worse.

10. Cancel all the things. Do the bare minimum. This is just the body feeling worn down from heightened stress. This is just the need for rest.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. 3:24 am.

2. 4:34 am.

3. Rereading old work to spark ideas for new work. Past and present colliding.

4. The camera just isn’t capturing the colors of the sunrise and the fog, and the silhouettes of the trees.

5. Our time together always goes by too quickly. Too, too quickly. We could talk for hours.

6. Leftover soup.

7. It’s colder than I thought. Cold hands and cold feet. The moss on the rocks is glowing; looks supernatural. Inhale the smell of the wet rocks and burned wood.

8. She is the best.

9. I send a request to the online chat, which is an actual person somewhere in the library. The books are on a cart by the parking lot. Next to my books is also a very large stack of DVDs. I want to read all of the titles because maybe this person could be my friend.

10. The turkey didn’t thaw.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. Waking up with the lyrics in your head.

2. The smell of bone broth simmering.

3. Hard, hard, rain. I want to go back to bed, back to the dark, with a book and my coffee and the sound of the rain.

4. I start to write emails and then remember Jeff’s trick. Don’t bother people before 8 am. I turn the computer to airplane mode and let everything sit in the outbox until a more reasonable time.

5. I do like order.

6. We set a time and catch up. It’s so good to hear a familiar voice.

7. Leftover duck confit and duck fat fries for lunch.

8. Mouth and jaw stretches at the desk.

9. 2018 Heitz Cellar Quartz Creek Chardonnay. 2017 Pax Mahle Armagh Vineyard Syrah.

10. Take it all back?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. In the dream, I have entered her home and am waiting to surprise her. She is surprised, but not exactly happy about it. This surprise does not have the effect that I want it to have.

2. Though I know why it ended, I still miss it. And that’s okay.

3. I can barely open my mouth. I can open wide enough for the spoons of yogurt I want to eat before drinking coffee.

4. Thick fog. Camera in hand. Everything is saturated and alive and quiet.

5. Nothing else opens until noon.

6. We find the sweaters and the pants, nothing for the oldest except Vans.

7. I show her the ceramics in the window and talk about what I love about the shop. Someone is inside. I think he’s telling me through the glass that he likes my bun.

8. We decided to walk the galleries when we don’t have chai and donuts in our hands.

9. “Are you living, or are you existing?”

10. “You are the rite of movement / Its reasonin' made lucid and cool / I know it's no improvement / When you move, I move..” - Movement, Hozier

11. Since she already took the wings, he can’t decide if he wants a thigh or a breast. “It’s all chicken!” she yells from the dining room.

12. “Who’s Selena? The girl in the store had her on her shirt,” she says. “Oh, I can’t hear any of her music and not cry,” I say.

13. “So the thing about the mouthguard is that it keeps your teeth from grinding, but it doesn’t keep you from clenching your jaw so tight that you can’t open your mouth when you wake up.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. The sound of rain.

2. No hike today. Of course not.

3. It's only Saturday, but it feels like Sunday, which is a gift, I guess.

4. Headache.

5. So tired.

6. I choose the down for the weight, even though I know I will get hot.

7. I tell him that I've been going to bed later so that I can wake up at a more reasonable time, but now I feel tired. I’m not waking up refreshed. I’d rather wake up at 3:30 and feel rested than wake up at 5:00 and still feel tired.

8. Cold coffee and cinnamon and chili powder and oregano and cumin and garlic.

9. I’ve seen the video ten times, and it still makes me laugh. “The branch takes a child, the branch takes a child.”

10. Sometimes my mind is full of things that don’t seem to make any sense.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Time to finish the cinnamon rolls.

2. This time of morning is my favorite. The pale yellow glow of dawn slowly rising, illuminating the knoll, casting light onto the little pond below.

3. Yoga with Jayne.

4. My eyes follow the cracks of the bark all the way up to the tip-top where the crown meets the sky. It is just blue and green and gray-brown.

5. She draws the same card I’ve been drawing the past two days.

6. He helps me move the desk over by the bed. Still not sure if it’s aesthetically pleasing, but it is nice to have a space with a door and a de facto nightstand.

7. Why does this feel like work?

8. “Keep it pointed to where you want it to go.” - Danielle LaPorte. Whatever happened to her?

9. That car doesn’t look familiar. I bet they’re looking at the house. But I want the interracial couple to come back again.

10. Thinking of the next steps. Just do the next thing.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Less sweating.

2. Why am I making bacon when I have to fast for at least three more hours?

3. This one has the body scan for taking the temperature. Do I like this device or do I like that no one has to come withing twelve inches of my face to take my temperature?

4. She says that she’s Brazilian and still can’t get used to the cold. I laugh to myself; 45 degrees is not cold.

5. Everything looks brighter on cleaning day.

6. He puts his new desk together almost by himself; I help with the screws.

7. “Build a vision others can believe in.” - Anna Wintour

8. Rendering the duck fat.

9. Slightly anemic. That’s what I thought. Address this first and see if the circulation issues get better.

10. They want to stay up late. I want to be asleep by 9.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. 3:15. I think I can get myself back to sleep again.

2. Life as art. Self as the creator.

3. I need that mouthguard.

4. I should have written everything down right after I got out of the shower.

5. Her red hair. Love, love, love her red hair.

6. She asks me if I’ve been fasting for 10 hours. My order requires that I fast, she says. I tell her that the medical assistant didn’t put that in the email. I suppose I should have remembered that not eating is a part of the process. I guess I’ll be back tomorrow.

7. Wasting time in the parking lot, eating In-n-Out. “I think Keller is right. This is a superior burger.”

8. We end up talking in the parking lot while cars zip by. I almost start to walk away without the duck.

9. I need a nap. I can’t nap.

10. The sound of the rain falling on the roof. The scent of fire even though nothing is burning.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Night sweats at 1:00 am.

2. 3:30 am.

3. Maybe it’s the full moon. Thirteen today.

4. He runs up to tell me that my cocktail is on the front page of Apple news. That’s a way to start the morning.

5. Frost on the course. Sun turning the burned trees gold.

6. Double the batter to make three layers instead of two. Lots more strawberries. How do I still not have a cake stand?

7. I tell her that the store looks different. She says it’s because she doesn’t own it anymore. This makes me sad. I can’t remember what I bought last time, but I remember the door being dark and full. A book store for book lovers, not book readers. I want the old store back.

8. Overwhelmed by its beauty. I want to touch every little thing. I want to see every little thing. I tell her that the store is so beautiful it makes me want to cry. Which is something that probably sounded strange. But you can feel that this is a space of an artist. I want to go back.

9. There is potential here.

10. Giggles around the table. Thirteen. Sushi. Strawberry torte for dessert. Thirteen.

11. The moon and her stars. I am a star. The star is me. Everything is one.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy

1. In the dream, she explains to me that they only spend time reviewing this set of work. Everything is material, but it’s not the meat of the work.

2. Dentist day. Ugh.

3. “Stop touching the computer, and get your shoes on!” I shouldn’t have to yell on vacation.

4. A young girl sits down across from me and she tilts her head to read the spine of my book. I want to ask her what she likes to read, but maybe that’s weird coming from a stranger in a mask.

5. No Beyblade talk yet.

6. He will be thirteen tomorrow. Thirteen.

7. I write the doctor a note. We need a more holistic view, is what I say.

8. Big white moon through the silhouette of bare branches.

9. The conversation soothes me.

10. What I really want is a glass of 2018 Heitz Quartz Creek Chardonnay. Those three bottles went so quickly.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. Still so dark.

2. Break down the last bit of evidence. Recycling center sometime this week.

3. Trying not to fret about the passing of the days. This panic in the body that I get when I feel like time is running out.

4. It’s chillier than I thought it would be but there is still a little line at The Station. There are still men standing in the parking lot, hoping for a little bit of work on a Sunday.

5. For the first time in a long time, finding joy in meal planning.

6. More Beyblades. This feels like the time when the oldest started playing Minecraft and wanted to explain every little thing to me. All of the talking.

7. I am getting to the age where I just don’t care to learn new social media platforms.

8. The questions aren’t easy, but they are necessary. And we always feel much better once we do it.

9. They really are so funny.

10. So much prep, but it’s so good: Vietnamese Lemongrass Beef and Noodle Salad with Pax Chenin Blanc.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. In the dream, I am packing to go somewhere.

2. Should I even take that writing course? I haven’t written in two days. Will I be able to keep up? Thirty pages.

3. Still so dark. More rain?

4. So quiet. They are either still sleeping or already on the electronics.

5. “…’Because they don’t know how beautiful it is to be colored’…” - Walter Mosley

6. Nope. There’s just no way. Without bag number two, I can’t complete it. So much for this project. Maybe we can do the Razorcrest together.

7. OMG beyblades.

8. You always feel the heat at this spot; making the left onto the Knoll where the sun is bursting through the trees and you feel its warmth on your back as you head up the next incline.

9. Grandma sees the dirty room while they are on FaceTime and makes him clean it up and then show her the completed result. I laugh. But he does it, and I love that he respects her enough to actually do it.

10. Listing only ten goals feels limiting. There is so much I want to do.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. So dark.

2. He thinks the kids are awake; I tell him it’s the owl. They are always so loud in the morning.

3. He is always the first one ready to go.

4. I want something different next time. But I don’t know what that looks like yet.

5. Nothing to make but creamed chard and baked potatoes to go with the prime rib. Barolo tonight?

6. I just really hope it works.

7. The sound of the rain. It has a different tone up here in the woods; softer, maybe.

8. I sit on the floor and build a forgotten Lego set from someone’s birthday last year.

9. That feeling that time is running out.

10. Someone in the neighborhood has their fireplace going and it smells sweet, like ham.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. It just doens’t feel like Christmas Eve.

2. Dressed as if I have somewhere to go.

3. The thing about the press is that I always feel like I’m waiting.

4. We scheduled 3.5 hours for our call, but clock out at 5. But that’s really not that surprising.

5. Special sauce dripping down the side of my hand.

6. “an epic sense of possibility.”

7. Tiny ripples in the water. The willow continues to lose its leaves.

8. Yeah, the bread is definitely good.

9. Home Alone. It’s still a good movie when you only watch it once a year.

10. Oh my god, it’s so late. Champagne and wrapping while watching Schitt’s Creek. Really underestimated how much time it would take.

11. Next year will be different.