Ten.Six Hundred & Forty

1. Cold.

2. I hear the sound of a spoon in a bowl. Who could possibly be up already? It’s not yet 6 am.

3. How is it already the 3rd day of April?

4. I am still holding this story of not being enough. I am still holing on to stories of shame.

5. I have to make the bed before I leave. It eases a bit of the anxiety.

6. Same corner in the window. Soft gray light from overcast skies. Hot chai. It’s heavy on the cinnamon today and I don’t mind. Headphones in.

7. The downside of being in a public place is that you can’t spontaneously break out into song and dance. You can’t rap out lout. But I’m pretty sure everyone can see me wiggling on the stool because I just can’t help myself.

8. I remember her name. It’s a name you can’t forget.

9. I apply for the internship and then email my supervisor. She asks me more specifically what it is that I want.

10. Having to be in two places at the same time. Multiple days a week. Tightening in the chest. Not yet having anyone else to help. One will be late. I hate being late. Cue more chest tightening.

Ten.Six Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. Meditate first.

2. Bacon and potatoes? It feels too early to wake everyone with the sound of the coffee grinder.

3. I need to find some more poetry today. “To be a poet is a condition, not a profession.” - Robert Frost

4. There are people but not too many just yet. I tuck myself into the corner of the high bar and order a chai latte. The only thing about not working at home is the cost of the coffee.

5. Distressed black jeans, black shirt, black sweater, tan flats. My kind of color palette. Maybe I will find my kindred in Brentwood after all.

6. I tell him that I’ve realized that I work so much better outside of the home. Two hours of intense focus in the coffee yields the same amount of work as 12 hours sitting at home. How do I make this more of a thing? When could I afford co-working space? Is there co-working space around here? So many things to think about.

7. Distillery 209 Gin, Fever Dream Mediterranean Tonic, juniper berries, a slice of grapefruit, a sprig of rosemary, un flor de pensamiento.

8. One day I’ll become fluent in Spanish.

9. My first baseball game. I’m cold. Shivering, actually. I forget how competitive I am until I’m at something like this.

10. But I do know what I want. I just know that no one else will understand. But there’s a different way to do all of this. I believe that.

Ten.Six Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. Monday.

2. I can’t find the jeans I want. Maybe I didn’t put them in the dryer yesterday. These are too stiff and too low. I’ve come to love the support of a high-waist jean.

3. It’s just flexing the muscle.

4. I fill up my mug one more time before I get in the car. My hands are too full. He has to hold things for me so that I can get into the car without dropping it all. They were all waiting for me.

5. “Hey, baby. I mean, Hi ma’am, how are you?” I smile while I wait for my receipt and then laugh as I make my way over the bridge.

6. My first time driving myself up to wine country on my own since we’ve lived here. To settle my nerves I look for poppies and mustard. I find turkey vultures atop fence posts.

7. He grew up in Brentwood. What a small world. I get a cup of coffee and walk around the grounds. I sit in front of a fountain, touch the petals of the succulents, look at the people sitting on porch swings. This place is really like stepping into another dimension. It’s only good vibes.

8. The drive back takes me on a road that sits next to marshes. The horizon is one long string of hills and mountains blanketed in fog and haze. I live here among the hills now.

9. Maybe the drive was today’s meditation.

10. You gotta bottle those feelings.

Ten.Six Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. I just want there to be enough time in the day to do what need to be done.

2. To be more strategic. No. Not strategic. Intentional.

3. Waffles. Butter into every square. A light drizzle of syrup. I should have added strawberry. I make another cafe au lait with some fresh cinnamon. But there’s not going back to bed today.

4. I need to go.

5. The trail is busier than usual. A group of cyclists. People walking dogs. There are at least 10 people on the tennis court but their rackets look odd. The creek that was so dry and quiet in early winter is vocal. I stop on the bridge to take a listen. So much sun.

6. Meditation in the covered porch. It’s just quiet enough.

7. Big House Beans. Pour over and gluten-free avocado toast topped with hard-boiled egg and crisp radish. Laptop on the high bar. Music in ears. I might have found a third place.

8. I work my way from anger and resentment to gratitude and peace. Everything is clean.

9. The smell of roasted tomatoes and garlic. No one eats the salad. Pax Carignan.

10. Tomorrow we go back to normal. But there’s no such thing as normal. Tomorrow will be normal enough.

Ten.Six Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. I ask him how he turned the Xbox on. I don’t even know what time it is. But I know what to do.

2. I don’t want to get up. Next week’s return to the normal school schedule is going to be a bit rough.

3. Need dinner for tonight. A light pasta dish sounds good. Yes, we’ll do that.

4. Tiny bit of tangerine creeping up to meet the deep blue sky. I miss not being able to see the sunrises and sunsets as easily. Things to remember for when it’s time to choose the next location.

5. Frothy vanilla oat milk. I hand grate a stick of cinnamon over the top. This feels like a little bit of luxury before work.

6. The feeling of not wanting to explain what went wrong. Hoping not too many people remember to ask me.

7. If she’s called in then that means no one else is going to do it so maybe I will. Plus, it’s going to be a beautiful day outside. Why would I want to be stuck indoors.

8. I really want a pair of clogs.

9. Soreness. Fatigued. I peopled all day today. The irony of being good at something that is so emotionally draining.

10. No progress is perfect.

Ten.Six Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. When Tyler Florence is in your dream and commending you on all the food you’ve cooked.

2. I already hear rustling in the kitchen.

3. We decide that maybe today is a good day for a little adventure. I know it means a lot of time in the car, but I think it will be good for everyone to get out of the house. It’s supposed to be a beautiful day.

4. No one is as excited as we are.

5. Having your experience validated can shift something in you.

6. When you know what you need to do but someone else tells you those exact same things you’ve been thinking but not acting on.

7. So warm in the sun.

8. Random bunches of calla lilies. Some of them in front of leaning houses with peeling paint. The juxtaposition of exquisite beauty and detritus.

9. But I could live in this little town if it weren’t so far away from everything.

10. I opt to save the Pax wines for another night. Maybe for Sunday’s roasted chicken when there’s time to savor.

Ten.Six Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Not ready.

2. A bushy gray cat is walking around in the backyard. I hope it can get itself out because I have no desire to go out there and touch it.

3. Leftover olive oil cake and coffee. Soft light. I do think the sun will be out today.

4. Green hills and Mt. Diablo in the distance. I realize that I haven’t really left the house since returning home Sunday. I take a deep breath. This is what I came here for.

5. I cut what I think is phlox. The delicate lavender flowers won’t leave my mind. I stick them in a mason jar with some water. Yes. I just needed a little bit of beauty.

6. I walk. They ride their bike and their skateboard. In the sun, when the breeze takes a pause, it’s just about perfect. The sky is clear enough to see see the hills and the turbines off in the distance. Two cotton ball clouds are sitting atop Mt. Diablo. We are the only ones at the park. It is surprisingly quiet for such a beautiful day.

7. Uno.

8. Two kids with practice at the same time in different towns. This stresses me out even though he is here to help today.

9. “Why are we getting ready to leave so early?” “So we can be early to practice. Early is on time.” “No. Early is early.”

10. I wipe out on the blacktop. “Part of learning is falling down.” Note to self, buy a 31-inch wooden board.

Ten.Six Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Her skateboard arrives today. I hope the rain holds off so that she can use it. But it does look like rain.

2. I decide that breakfast today will be an orange olive oil cake. A blood orange olive oil cake. First I make the orange sugar. I realize that I need more of this in my life.

3. The instinct is to try to fix it on my own.

4. Hair down to her elbows. Glowing chestnut brown. She always looks so much older with straightened hair. Hopefully she can stay out of the rain.

5. I’m a little jealous. What black woman doesn’t have a thing about hair?

6. It looks like no one enjoyed the olive oil cake as much as I did. I can keep it for myself.

7. And then the skateboard came. I want a skateboard too. Maybe I’ll get one for myself this summer. Two brown girls skateboarding through the neighborhood. I kinda like the sound of that.

8. The episode of Queer Eye that we watched last night is still on my mind. The struggles with identity. How we get to define ourselves. How there are a million ways to be a black woman.

9. He tells me he’s proud of the way I’m bouncing back.

10. Feeling the need for a deep spring clean.

Ten.Six Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. What to make for breakfast?

2. Little leaks of light coming through. I can hear birds chirping but nothing else.

3. The combination of a bright sunrise and wet pavement.

4. I make sure to write a review on both Facebook and Yelp and then send them both emails full of gratitude.

5. Client work. I take the notebooks outside but am distracted by the loud hum of bees in the tree nearby.

6. “90 days?!” “Yes. I have to wait 90 days in order to take it again.” “You’re going to take it again?” “Yes, I am. Because you don’t give up on the things you really want, remember?”

7. But it could also be depression. And so it’s good that I already have a therapy appointment scheduled for Friday.

8. What I want is for someone to feed me.

9. A late dinner. I do not like practices that last from 5:30-7:30. But I see the excitement in his face when it’s a practice day and that makes me happy.

10. He asks me if I’m okay because I think we both know that I’m not okay. And it’s okay to not be okay.

Ten.Six Hundred & Thirty-One

1. It’s their last day. The time always goes too fast.

2. A few more games of War and Speed before they go.

3. I just wish we could have had a little more time. This is the one thing about the move out west. The distance between us doubled. And while I do have dreams of us all being Californians at some point, I know that the time for it is not now. Patience.

4. He gives them each a $20 bill. She comes to me asking for a skateboard.

5. I decide I’m just going to lay in bed for the day. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. The only thing I want to do is play word games on my phone.

6. But there is also so much love and encouragement.

7. He asks me if I’m questioning the purpose of life. I tell him that yes, that’s been the theme of the day.

8. I still have time.

9. Pizza and Pio Cesare Nebbiolo. A lot of water. A cold shower to end the evening.

10. I can try again. I can try again.

Ten.Six Hundred & Thirty

1. I make a small cup of hotel room coffee. This should be weak enough that I won’t have too many tummy issues.  

2. My left nostril is clogged. I hope that doesn’t ruin today.  

3. A little bit of light from the sunrise peeking through the clouds. The light reflecting off the tiny ripples in the bay. I could totally live on the water.  

4. I eat three bites of my eggs and sip chamomile. I stuff the book and notecards back into the bag. I either know or I don’t.  

5. I pick a seat facing the window. I can see blue sky and birds and the clock on the façade of city hall.  

6. I am the first one done. He touches my elbow and thanks me for being a good listener. I don’t know what it means but I smile and take my nerves outside.  

7. I finished. Maybe now I can eat.  

8. Three Modelos at Hometown Heroes while we wait. Maybe there’s a chance I squeezed it out.  

9. He has one more certificate in his hands and I know it’s not mine. The sting of defeat and disappointment. I want to skip the dinner reservation but he insists that we still go.  

10. AR Lenoble champagne, a Sancerre Rouge, a 2003 Domaine Zinf Humbrect Gewurztraminer, 1960 Bual. Teary eyes. His invitation to come and taste with his staff on Wednesday mornings. Gratitude for encouragement from strangers. 

Ten.Six Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. Still a little sleepy.  

2. No sound of rain but the light coming in through the blinds still seems too gray.  

3. I can feel the nerves kicking it. I know it’s berves because I keep walking around the kitchen in circles.  

4. Cloud shadows on the rolling hills. The sheep are very close to the fence today. I love these little sheep so much you’d think they were my own.  

5. Loons and a crane. Breakfast is less than stellar which feels surprising and disappointing after having had two nice meals there.  

6. I show them where I work. Introduce some of the kids to my coworkers. 

7. I tend to compartmentalze my worlds whereas my husband doesn’t so much. So when I have these crossings I feel odd. And yet it also makes me feel more whole.  

8. I enter and watch a scene of the movie. I have a fat stack of napkins in my hands that will fall if I reach up to wipe away the tears. I will need to watch this again from the beginning.  

9. I wish I could have just a few more days with them.

10. I fall asleep with flash cards in my hands. It’s time to sleep. 

Ten.Six Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. Waking up to the sound of rain.

2. I head to the kitchen to put the potatoes in the oven and then return to my room and take my time getting ready. Still listening to the sound of rain.

3. “Traveling the world in wine, I see.” “I have an exam on Sunday so I’m trying to give my palate a little refresher on a few things.” Before we finish checking out he tells me to trust myself. To go with my first choice because it will usually be right. Something about his white hair and tiny gold hoops and round face makes me think of a buddha.

4. Trust myself.

5. They went to In-n-Out so we go to get tacos.

6. Her name is Monse. I repeat it. I won’t be able to say it like she says it but I love it. It’s a quiet name that also feels strong. I google it to find the meaning. It’s a Catalan name, short for Montserrat which means mountain. Quiet and strong.

7. We watch “The Indian in the Cupboard,” one of my favorite books growing up but I understand why it’s no longer talked about.

8. He finishes cooking the turkey burgers while I sit through and blind taste the whites we bought today. I got 3 out of 5 right.

9. Trust yourself.

10. Games of 3-way War and speed and Uno. Full with nerves, good food, the joy of watching the children have time with their grandparents.

Ten.Six Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Spring.

2. Quiet moments alone in the kitchen.

3. We run down the plan for the day. Woods. Lunch. Beach. Golden Gate Bridge. Baseball practice for the boys.

4. Middle seat all the way in the back. A different point of view. Holding hands with the two youngest. The softness of youth.

5. This drive always feels harrowing.

6. The way the light breaks through the trees. Sun dappled stream. The sound of water bubbling by.

7. Tomato soup at the park cafe instead. It’s just as good as what I had at Long Meadow Ranch but without the drizzle of infused oil.

8. I hadn’t intended on getting my feet wet but here I am with white foam breaking across the toes. The coolness of the water is refreshing. She falls trying to escape the water. The sound of the waves crashing. I could have sat there all day.

9. The colors of the bay. The city skyline. I remember that we live here now.

10. Yes, ‘85 was indeed a good birth year.

Ten.Six Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. What’s taking me so long to get out of the bathroom?

2. Bacon, unwrap the banana bread, a full pot of coffee, some eggs.

3. I understand the anxiety of driving around on the unknown roads.

4. Little breaks from the rain driving up to the valley. I wonder where she is?

5. Even in the rain it’s still so beautiful. Every time I think I don’t want to be here, I visit again and then I do.

6. Novicium. The smell of a barrel room. The crunch of the gravel. The cheese. Castelvetrano olives. Olive oil. Crunchy bread. Continuum.

7. Long Meadow Ranch. Tomato soup. Cheddar biscuits. Crimson Sin.

8. Opus One. Orchids. 2009 and 2015. Nancy. David. Sun and sun and sun.

9. This is the way it should be done.

10. He bought me a fancy wine key for the exam. Made from french oak barrels. Sides stained with red.

Ten.Six Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. They’re on their first leg.

2. Of course she’s up. We whip up some banana bread. I bet she won’t even eat it even though she’s happy to help. I can’t wait for the coffee and the bread to be done.

3. Now to clean.

   4. My Haunted House.  

   5. He’s sitting in the driveway with salami in his hand waiting for them to arrive.  

   6. Too late for ribs.  

   7. 5 days. Surprisingly calm.  

   8. Laughter. Grayed-over skies. They said the neighbor threw the balls back over the fence. This is way smaller than 1/3 of an acre.  

   9. Wente Riva Ranch Pinot Noir. Excited for Continuum and Opus.  

   10. Milk peel. 

Ten.Six Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. I look at myself in the mirror. Confidence. Yes.

2. I set out the toaster, some butter, 5 plates, the cinnamon bread and a cutting board full of fruit. It’s a self-serve kind of morning.

3. Hot coffee. A little pep in my step. Maybe it’s because I know the weather promises sun.

4. Wet feet from morning dew. I can’t tell if he’s nervous. He most likely is. But I think he will have so much fun.

5. How much are the homes over here? I could look at these hills all day.

6. Blue bird. It’s not a blue jay. I saw a picture of it at the museum but now I can’t remember its name.

7. I just have to trust that I know enough of what I need to know.

8. Sore feet. Tank top and a can or sparkling and some sun. Reset. How is the day almost done already?

9. I tell him that she helped me with my cocktail flashcards on the front porch so he can feel free to quiz me. Negroni. Old Fashioned. Martini. Margarita. Mojito. Moscow Mule.

10. Tomorrow.

Ten.Six Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Just a little bit longer.

2. Of course everyone is very hungry on the morning I chose to sleep in. No, breakfast is not yet ready.

3. Coffee plus a slice of tart berry galette plus trying to decide whether or not securing a sofa should be on the day’s agenda.

4. “One day at a time,” I say. He’s okay with that.

5. Towels and bath rugs. Dinner for tonight. I let her add a wedge of blue cheese to the cart because who am I to discourage a budding gourmand? Plus I have pears and walnuts at home and oh, what a combination that could be.

6. Cleaning can wait.

7. Blanchot, Bougros, Grenouiles, Les Clos, Les Preuses, Valmur, Vaudesir. How is the rhyme still in my head?

8. Almost like the absence of sound.

9. A little too dry.

10. He knows the phases of the moon better than I do.

Ten.Six Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Just a little more sleep.

2. Bacon and potatoes and coffee and the sun rising up over the trees.

3. I can do this.

4. Frolicking sheep always make me giggle. No hawk on the post today. A few cows right up to the fence.

5. I think of how the neighbors suggested that one day all the hills along Vasco would be planted with grapes within the next 20 years. What a sight that would be.

6. It’s chilly in the shade but I expect everyone to come out for a little bit. The sunshine is abundant. You can’t help but be happy.

7. I’m sure I’ll get my 10,000 steps in today.

8. He wishes me luck on the exam and it warms me but also adds another level of anxiety. I don’t want to disappoint. I don’t want to disappoint myself.

9. But I should be thinking more positively anyway.

10. Qupe Grenache. Chicken kabobs with a side of overwhelm for the upcoming week. I can do hard things.

Ten.Six Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Homemade instant oatmeal. Let’s give it a whirl.

2. Beware the ides of March.

3. No one wants to wake up. Good thing break is coming. Maybe they’ll all catch up on their sleep then.

4. Ok. Just figure out how to get through the next two days. One (two) day(s) at a time.

5. He seats us and then tells us he has a sake that’s not on the menu. We might be the only people ordering bottles of sake in Bentwood.

6. She asks him for permission to talk to me. I mean, she is older and clearly comes from a different generation. I just don’t think anyone has ever asked my husband for his permission to be able to speak to me. She commends me for the patience it must take to have my hair braided. And that it’s beautiful.

7. What is going to be the most important thing in the end?

8. So much sun. Sun. Sun. Sun.

9. Looking at the stars makes me want to write poetry.

10. The smell of smoke. The glow of the coals. Embers. Fire. Grounding.