Ten.One Hundred & Eighty-Five
1. The first light of day. Negative 11 degrees.
2. I start the coffee and then make a bagel run. Because sometimes it's just easier on a morning like this to not have to think about anything.
3. I am still the only one awake.
4. Each one is still is their clothes from the night before.
5. I take my coffee back up to bed, journal and pen in hand. Twilight Zone marathon before falling asleep.
6. My little world here is so quiet.
7. I feel like I accomplished nothing. But maybe that was what I needed—to do nothing. What was there to accomplish any way?
8. French.
9. But the year is here and there is so much to be excited about. I don't always love the energy and the expectation we place upon the start of a new year but there is still some feeling of expansive possibility that is there.
10. In the end, what am I going to be committed to?
Ten.One Hundred & Eighty-Four
1. My nights have been late but my morning have still been early.
2. Everyone is still sleeping and the sun is up and I wish it was like this every day. Because these are my best hours.
3. I'm deep in this work and it might not make any kind of difference. Or maybe it will. I just need something new.
4. Is it really the last day of the last month of the year?
5. And even though my mind is racing I am still sunk into the slowness of this day.
6. I bring my computer back up to the dining room because the basement is just too cold. But this month I'm going to figure out how to make it better for myself.
7. Bowl of Doritos.
8. 2018 might be the year we double the vegetable intake.
9. I watch the sunset from the side mirror. Jewel tones layered in the sky behind me. There's a metaphor here as I look back while I try to move forward.
10. It's so good to be here where everything and almost everyone is so familiar. And yet at the same time noticing how apart from it all I now am and will continue to be. Which is not bad but it's real and right now it's really hitting me that this is no longer mine.
Ten.One Hundred & Eighty-Three
1. Even in the dark I can feel the fullness of the day.
2. Coffee. Getting it started early. The hissing sound it makes because I didn't put the carafe in just right.
3. The grocery store is quiet though I guess it is still early for a Saturday morning shopping trip.
4. I finish washing some of the walls, sweep the floor, make the sauce, prepare the dough before heading out for the afternoon.
5. It takes me a few minutes to figure out how to get inside the door, but I finally do and make my way up to the third floor.
6. Being in this space makes me warm with dreams. I can see the city skyline from the window. The wood floors are old and beat up, so full of story. Backdrops and lights and stands and props and computers. Space.
7. I am remembering how in our conversation she asked me what was my next really big dream. California is up there, for sure. But that one already feels like it's happening. So I say, "Space. A physical space that is my work space and my studio space but also a community space that I can share with other women who are working on their own dream."
8. Two photo shoots and two interviews for Black Food and Beverage. This is one of the most fulfilling side projects I've done in a long time. To be able to sit with these black men and women and hear about their hustle and their grind and their vision. Yes, more of this please.
9. All of them are so big. The twins. Of course, as a mother, I think about how many of their sweatpants I could fit into a washing machine. My guess is only 4. But this family. He's right, I do miss them. I had forgotten how much time we'd spent with them during that short time in Kansas City.
10. Tomorrow is the last day.
Ten.One Hundred & Eighty-Two
1. He wants blueberry scones with a lemon glaze.
2. Stripes of lavender and pink in the winter sky. Snow glittering like diamonds.
3. Coffee. The real kind. And in a tiny mug that makes me feel like I'm drinking more than I actually am.
4. How has it already been 10 years? He is up to my nose. I can wear his t-shirts.
5. We drop the boys off at the movies to see Star Wars and then go get our nails done. Gold sparkles on her fingers, black sparkles on her toes. I choose a midnight blue that looks almost black. "You always pick such dark colors," she says.
6. The 10-year old picks Portillo's for lunch. I eat and then clean the bathrooms. Nothing that I wanted to have done by today is actually done. I sigh about it.
7. Steak for dinner. I get a little teary looking at him sitting there eating his ice cream. I take another sip of wine.
8. We unload into the house but I decide to head back out and shovel the driveway. It's the light stuff and it moves easily. 8:30 and so quiet.
9. I am thinking of tomorrow, the way the day has filled itself up with people and places and things and feelings. I think of the way it feels to tell someone about a thing that doesn't make sense on the outside but that you feel deeply on the inside. The split-second feeling of shame and fear of being misunderstood.
10. It's just that sometimes I want to get it too right.
Ten.One Hundred & Eighty-One
1. Cold. But not as cold as yesterday.
2. Fire plus coffee plus morning pages. The sky is an ash gray. No color.
3. So cold but I must get the blueberries and the sour cream and the parsley. Oh, and the video game. Because he's turning 10.
4. I've been a mother and a wife for 10 years. It is a decade. It is a significant stretch of time and yet it is also just a microscopic dot on an infinite timeline.
5. How do we determine what is significant.
6. Laundry never goes away.
7. I walk in the snow to go get him. The snow feels like it's falling in thin sheets. Everything has a fresh coat of white on it and the streets are quiet. I'm glad I am walking because the way the cold air is coming into my lungs makes me feel alive again.
8. Beef stroganoff. I am feeling uninspired in the kitchen lately. This is an old, but good, standby. And it sticks to the bones.
9. I am not a winter person. I turn off the fireplace and stand there, my nose pressed against the mantle, to feel the heat continue to radiate upward onto my belly and face.
10. Sometimes it feels easier to just roll over.
Ten.One Hundred & Eighty
1. This morning, up early for fireside writing.
2. Feeling the cold deep in my bones. This is the kind of weather that makes you hurt.
3. There's a wide rectangle of light in the hall and I stand in it to warm my belly.
4. I must remember not to get caught up in the inconsequential. I am good at finding things that keep me busy and yet unmoved.
5. Bunny tracks in the snow behind the house.
6. I also sometimes really don't know what I am doing. And maybe that's okay. Maybe it's a good thing.
7. Jumper cables.
8. The restaurant, Entente, is unassuming, tucked in between two other shops. Inside are small tables set with napkins and glassware that shine from the light of the falling afternoon sun.
9. Christopher talks about his journey from opera singer to sommelier. The more excited he gets the more his hands move. More than photographing, I love the act of listening to people tell their stories. I love to see how animated they become when they get to sit in their own thoughts. How do you not leave the conversation inspired?
10. Time to bring out the flashcards again.
Ten.One Hundred & Seventy-Nine
1. I open my eyes to see the little one checking his watch and rolling out of my bed. I lay for a little longer but it's bright and I know I need to get downstairs soon. I can't remember the last time I slept in.
2. Three kids eating tin from a popcorn for breakfast while watching t.v. It's the little things, right?
3. I still cook up some bacon and clean the kitchen, hand wash all the Friendly Village china and silently thank my mother-in-law for the gift.
4. The sun is bright but the air is still so cold. -4 degrees. It feels inhumane.
5. There is no more decaf but I want some coffee and I make a pot of the regular stuff and promise myself to only drink half a mug. I think, despite my refills, I still manage to have less than a mug. I don't regret it.
6. We build the ski lodge together on the bed while watching Mind of a Chef. I could build Lego sets all day. "Nothing is impossible," she says.
7. Tonight is leftovers which means no cooking—thank goodness—which also means a little more time to lay in the bed and watch some Charlie Brown before everything needs to be reheated.
8. The light from the setting sun makes the room glow orange and then in one breath it is dark again.
9. 2013 Odette Cabernet Sauvignon, a gift from a friend.
10. I stay up way too late watching The Godfather II with him, mostly because I like to read subtitles.
Ten.One Hundred & Seventy-Eight
1. I am still up before the first light even though last night I tried to tire myself out by shoveling and salting the driveway.
2. The littlest one comes in 6:15.
3. The middle one comes in at 7. I ask her if I can just brush my teeth first.
4. One by one. Flying paper. Ripped cardboard. Fire. Mimosas. Christmas.
5. The tiny basketballs keep knocking over my jars of feathers.
6. The light coming through the foyer window, pale gold in color.
7. I do like tidiness. Refinement. Simplicity. The classic and studied beauty. Details matter.
8. But after today everything goes back to the way it was before. Which is not a bad thing but it is still a thing with which I know I will wrestle.
9. I’ve eaten too many gratin potatoes and I don’t regret it.
10. 2009 Cyrus from Alexander Family Vineyards.
Ten.One Hunded & Seventy-Seven
1. Christmas Eve.
2. They said it was going to snow but I didn’t believe them. And here it is and I am surprised by my joy.
3. Monkey bread for breakfast.
4. Moodboarding with a hot mug of decaf. Thinking of four words.
5. The batter for the chocolate cake is too thin. I add a little bit of flour and cross my fingers.
6. Mind of a Chef. I’m late to this series as I am with most telivision shows because I don’t watch as much t.v. the days. But here I am trying to memorize the Japanese words and imagine the flavors.
7. René’s mise en place.
8. The light of the moon. I wish I knew the names of the phases like I know the names of my children.
9. Too much wrapping still to do.
10. Prosecco and stuffing stockings.
Ten.One Hundred & Seventy-Six
1. Up with the alarm.
2. The way the blue lights from the neighbor's house casts shadows in the hallways. Alien light.
3. 2 cups of decaf is not enough. I feel like maybe I need my own pot.
4. She wants me to take her to target to get gifts for her brothers. her father, and me. At times I think she is nothing like me and then sometimes her heart feels so familiar.
5. No one is at Target at 8 AM. Must remember this in the future.
6. Music on. Cleaning started. Clay Aiken Christmas. I think thy said there will be snow tomorrow.
7. Craving: the mental space to read books, for the website to make itself, a slow Sunday, for the chocolate cake to turn out right, redwoods, coffee.
8. He didn't buy decaf. Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to get back on caffeine.
9. Sometimes you have to let the words fall out. And maybe there was a better way to say them. But maybe not. Because when you're telling someone a hard truth, how can you not expect a little sourness in return?
10. Fastest wrapping session ever.
Ten.One Hundred & Seventy-Five
1. 4:28 AM. I think this just might be the result of anxiety.
2. I go to his car and grab my early Christmas presents: a studio light kit and reflectors. Because this Black Food & Bev project has me doing something I haven’t done much of before, which is exciting but also scary. And maybe this is just another edge to step to and over.
3. He’s coughing a lot which means he needs a full day of rest and breathing treatments.
4. One of the flash heads is broken. He will need to return it. And actually I am okay with this. I remind myself that I've only ever shot in natural light, with no kinds of tools at all. I think of his advice: work with your limitations.
5. "Raimundo Panikkar...said the future will not be a new, big tower of power. Our hope in the future is the hope into well-trodden paths from house to house, these well-trodden paths from house to house. That is the image that holds a lot of promise for our future." - David Steindl-Rast
6. The restaurant is small and intimate. It feels like a neighborhood bar, like the kind of place you want to come to shake off the world and feel like yourself again.
7. Eldridge is smooth and thoughtful and kind. He's got good energy. And as I move him from bar to window to wall to table he moves with ease. His beard and the way he smiles reminds me of my brother. When Andrea begins to interview him, and he gets into his own story and the story he's creating with The Delta, I can feel my insides begin to glow. Because this is what I love. I love listening to people talk about themselves and their passion and when it's so beautifully honest, it's like magic. Everything is alive.
8. "Ultimately, everything boils down to relation." - David Steindl-Rast
9. This chili recipe is not up to par. My cornbread, however, is on point.
10. I think of the old black and white images in The Delta's bathroom and on the walls and think of history and lineage, food and memory. What is my own?
Ten.One Hundred & Seventy-Four
1. 4:48 AM.
2. The solstice sunrise is all kinds of electric purples and pinks and oranges seeping through cracks in the clouds.
3. The sound of coffee percolating in the Bialetti.
4. Morning pages with my feet in front of the fireplace, the yellow glow illuminating my words. I am always so much better prepared for my day when these are done.
5. I make a meal plan for the upcoming days through Christmas. I think I will make a chocolate cake with salted caramel frosting.
6. The kids have only a half day and so that means I have only 4 hours to do whatever needs to be done. Which doesn't feel like nearly enough time but whatever gets done, gets done. None of it is truly an emergency.
7. This is what I love about talking with her: we get the work stuff out of the way real fast and then the rest of the hour is about life, our projects, creating a sustainable writing practice (and what does a sustainable writing practice look like anyway?), what are our visions for ourselves as writers, and where will we take the time to be a writer.
8. I'm still trying to make all of it make sense.
9. Candied walnuts, Gorgonzola, and dried cranberries for my salad. Leftover Pinot and then a glass of Zinfandel. No one really eats the salad but me. Tonight is not one of the nights I feel like pushing veggies.
10. Tomorrow will feel like a long day. I'm mentally preparing myself for the amount of time I will have to be in the car. Trying to wash away the anxiety by thinking of all the podcasts I can listen to on the way to and from the shoot location. Trying to think about how much fun it will be once I am there. Wondering if I can make my work all the way out here without having to go all the way into the city. What would it look like to be able to work efficiently and profitably from where I am?
Ten.One Hundred & Seventy-Three
1. The crash of the recycling truck.
2. 6 AM and I hear feet. I think I know whose feet. I can see the light coming from the open door upstairs.
3. The thing about drinking the decaf is that I have to make it in the Bialetti—which I love, but it only makes 2 American-size cups of coffee.
4. Unpack, sort, take inventory.
5. It's really hard to find robes. I always wait to long to get the pajamas.
6. Every year I think about how I could do it differently. How can I do it more of my way. I always say to myself that this is the downside of partnership and children: rarely is a decision ever just your own. There is so much negotiation and compromise. It's not usually a bad thing, but it's still a thing.
7. Thinking about retreating. At home. With myself.
8. The orange glow of the setting sun pulses into my room. For 20 minutes the room feels like a shrine.
9. It's cold.
10. Amazing how a whole day can unravel in the last few hours. I stop at each one's room with words and hugs and the assurance that tomorrow is a new day.
Ten.One Hundred & Seventy-Two
1. I actually really do want him to stop coming into the bed.
2. I burn the bacon. The baby is mad at me. I'm mad at myself, too. I know the husband is going to tell me to start using the timers.
3. It's good to see the doctor because he's an old friend from the old neighborhood. And he's funny. I tell my daughter that she's the worst patient, he whispers to me, "good luck becoming a grandma!"
4. Things piled as high as one can see.
5. The sun today and how it's bright but not too bright. I am warm enough.
6. It's a Tuesday that feels like a Thursday. This short week is dragging along, which is probably a good thing. Like, I need to settle into this feeling of slowness.
7. Onion rings and a vanilla milkshake from Portillo's before I pick up the kids from school. I hide the evidence by rolling to windows down to air out the car and stuff the trash into the center console.
8. Roast chicken. Gratin potatoes. Asparagus with hollandaise. Mini apple tart and some vanilla ice cream for dessert. White Burgundy, Beaujolais, Cherry Pie.
9. The kids are up too late but they're quiet and so I let them be since we have a guest, but I know they'll be hurting tomorrow.
10. 6 days. 56 days. 125 days.
Ten.One Hundred & Seventy-One
1. I can see that the pavement is wet from the mist and fog.
2. The flash from the headlights and the rumble of an engine—my neighbor in his truck heading off to work.
3. This is a choir morning so I mustn't forget to wake her up early.
4. I buy flavored decaf. And it is everything I need it to be.
5. He asks me if it's still raining. I tell him it's not really rain. It's kind of like between misting and raining where it feels like it's kind of spitting in your face.
6. She tells me I look too young to have three kids. I hear this a lot now, especially that I have an almost 10 year old. How have I been a mother and a wife for 10 years already? The passing of time is a funny thing.
7. I dislike shopping.
8. Voice.
9. Basketball practice is long and frustrating. The boys aren't listening. They aren't keeping their hands to themselves. They keep getting on the stage. I need a whistle.
10. So ready for a cup of decaf in the morning.
Ten.One Hundred & Seventy
1. I always start to stir before the 5:15 alarm goes off but today I try to ignore the urge to wake and roll back onto my side and close my eyes.
2. Must move the elf. This is the only reason I get out of bed.
3. Cinnamon rolls from a can and a side of bacon.
4. Laundry. Always.
5. The boys are gone for haircuts and the house is so quiet with just me and her in it.
6. I should have bought the decaf.
7. I see someone's post about wishing there was a pause button for Sundays. But Sunday is the pause button.
8. We aren't very good at keeping the Sabbath.
9. It seems as if my goals are sometimes opposed to my desire for a slow life.
10. I never seem to know where I'm going.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Nine
1. Today is one of those full days that I am only mildly excited about.
2. But at least the sun is out today and it is warmish.
3. My wedding ring flies off my finger in a room full of dribbling 4-to-6 year olds. I am on my hands and knees in front of all the other adults. "It will be shiny!" I say. One of the teenage assistants finds it and I stick it in the bag of cashews my daughter isn't eating. I should really get this resized.
4. I am eating a sandwich. And this is not a big deal for most people, but for weird reasons, it is for me.
5. I'm craving coffee but I don't want to drink coffee so I make a "coffee-like drink" instead: a big mug of bold tea made from chicory, star anise, and allspice, with frothy coconut milk, and a few sprinkles of cinnamon. It's no caramel macchiato but it's satisfying enough.
6. Culivated Ease.
7. Comfort is the killer of the creative spirit.
8. I want to nap but instead browse for more inspiration instead.
9. Prayers of gratitude as I walk into my home.
10. I burn a candle for hope, fill the bathtub with warm water, sprinkle in epsom salt, and pour in lavender oil.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Eight
1. It's hard to ignore the bite of winter cold.
2. My sinuses still feel a little congested. I think the other cause of this fatigue is just the linger infection. It's just that I don't want to get antibiotics.
3. I should probably just go get some antibiotics.
4. She's upset because the biscuits are small. Not because they are burnt, which is definitely what bothered me, but because they are small.
5. The number of times a week I have to tell her to fix her face. But she is just like me in this way: we wear our emotions in our eyes.
6. One day I want to learn how to brew kombucha.
7. Fresh cut fries and ketchup sometimes do the trick. As does a cup of decaf coffee.
8. Dinner is a hodgepodge of leftovers that no one is excited about but everyone eats. A little bit of mom guilt tries to surface but I dust it away.
9. Cherry Pie.
10. He sees me.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Seven
1. A little sliver of white moon.
2. Granola, walnuts, dried cranberries, coconut milk. Warm water with lemon.
3. Blueberry and peach colored sky.
4. I think it's Friday but it's only Thursday which is cleaning day which means podcast time.
5. "Not everything that we’ve inherited is worthy of being passed on, like trauma and like memories and like values that have evolved." - Rabbi Amichai Lau-Lavie
6. The light coming through the foyer window is pale, pale yellow, almost white, and it's making the orange slices glow.
7. My mind is churning and things are making sense.
8. I send her the text because I know that I need it for the next step. This is just another layer of the cake.
9. I remove the towel from the wooden bowl and touch the dough. It is springy and light. I had forgotten how much I missed the ease of this recipe. Roll it out. Rub it with olive oil. Sprinkle with fresh rosemary and the Maldon smoked sea salt Holly sent me.
10. 63 days.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Six
1. It feels especially dark this morning.
2. Bacon and eggs and english muffins and I want coffee but am sticking to my ginger/lemon/cinnamon tea. But despite the craving, I feel good. Tired, but good.
3. It's 6:55 and still so dark. The sky is low and gray.
4. Errands in the cold.
5. I dislike errands so much. The other day, the five of us were talking briefly about removing conflict for a smoother day. What are things I'm brushing up against on a daily basis that cause me irritation?
6. What might be missing is discipline.
7. The smell of cinnamon, coriander, clove, and star anise toasting on the stove top.
8. St. Christopher Piesporter Goldtropfchen Riesling Spatlese. I wish it had a touch more acidity.
9. Keep it simple.
10. Sometimes you forget that actually, you are living the dream. But there's nothing wrong with a little refinement.