Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Five
1. I forgot to get the salami and his shirt yesterday after practice.
2. The bright silver light from the quarter moon hanging in the blue-black sky.
3. Strawberry muffins from a packet but they smell divine. They would have been a perfect match for coffee—if I was having any.
4. Tuesday. My favorite day. Today I am missing the neighborhood, remembering how it looks when covered in snow. How the trees sparkle with ice on Sunday mornings.
5. "I'm still sad about all those trees," he says. Me too. Me too.
6. This podcast is making me think about shutting down all of my social media and communicating only through handwritten letters. Not because it's talking about technology in a negative way, but because I'm really interested in how to cultivate more we than me.
7. I want to do the webinar because, yes, maybe there is a book in there somewhere.
8. Dentist. She hands me a paper with a list of orthodontists.
9. I am tense when I return home. It's nothing any of them have done. Some combination of the long afternoon at the dentist's office, driving in the dark, day three of no caffeine, planning a new structure for my work.
10. But is it possible for me to make a living in only this way? Can I really create a profitable and sustainable business gathering with women, telling stories, capturing beauty?
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Four
1. I put a pillow in my place and crawl over the youngest to get ready for the day.
2. Morning pages first. I use the last two pages in the journal. I am sad and yet satisfied. This one will stay close to me as I finish out the year. It's full of desert dreams.
3. Day two of no coffee. I warm up some ginger tea and sit by the fire place.
4. I make a to-do list that I know won't get done. Except for the laundry. I have to do the laundry.
5. Protect your time. Feed your inner life. Avoid too much noise. Read good books, have good sentences in your ears. Be yourself as often as you can. Walk. Take the phone off the hoot. Work regular hours. - Dani Shapiro, Still Writing
6. I think of Fever Dreams. I think of California. I think of how I'll be there three times before May.
7. I see her Instagram story of sheep being herded somewhere in Petaluma and I think, "I can't wait to live there!" I think this is daydreaming?
8. I've managed to keep the withdrawal headaches away with water and naps. Also: what a privilege it is to be able to sleep in the middle of the day. This is not lost on me.
9. I'm feeling lethargic but play knockout with the boys at the end of practice anyway. I'm off. All my shots are short. Next week I'll be better.
10. She's right. These cookies are full of artificial colors and flavors and I still love them anyway.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Three
1. I am awake before the alarm goes off but keep my eyes closed until I just can't anymore.
2. Warm the leftover crostada, stick the bacon in the oven.
3. I'm going to get off the coffee for awhile. I think it's time to rest.
4. Low-budget horror movie and a big glass of warm lemon water = a four-hour nap.
5. I start to fill the tub with hot water and then go back to the kitchen to toast the spices for pho and then I remember that the water is still running and then I run to see the water spilling over the sides and then my spices are burnt. And then there's no pho.
6. I tell him that I quit the day.
7. I toss the ginger that was supposed to be for the pho into a pot with lemon and cinnamon sticks and water for a big pot of ginger tea.
8. I think about how the Alisha four years ago would have never had that many people in the home without the perfect dining room chairs, without the right art on the walls, without the right lighting in the ceiling. I'm getting better.
9. Lavendar oil.
10. What am I committed to?
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Two
1. I already said we were having waffles. But there is no syrup. It snowed last night and there are still the tiniest snowflakes blowing in the wind.
2. The other two have to come with us to the game. I make them sit on the end of the bench.
3. We win, but not in the way I want us to. They're all missing the fundamentals. At 10, you need to know the fundamentals. We'll work on that after Christmas. Today, we enjoy the very narrow victory.
4. The upside of having people over is that you have to clean. A lot. And so at least I know that tomorrow I'll be able to sit by the fireplace and enjoy my clean home.
5. Chicken tortilla soup, salsa, guacamole, chips, cornbread muffins, apple crostada.
6. I tell them that my inspiration for this dinner is from my best friend and since my husband said I couldn't invite the whole neighborhood, that I wanted to start with them because of how well they've treated us and my children since we've lived here. That this coming together is my way to say "thank you."
7. Margaritas and wine and fireplace and loud talking.
8. My little introverted self can totally do this again.
9. Someone brings up the California thing. Are we moving? I don't know. Do we want to? Yes. Is it gonna happen? We hope so. Is it gonna happen soon? We have no idea. We just know we're grateful to be where we are.
10. I just want all of them to sleep in tomorrow.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-One
1. Bacon and eggs and biscuits.
2. I just wish that I knew how to help him.
3. I can feel my body tensing up as I head toward the grocery store. The car is still not warm yet. I remember that winter makes me angry. So today I need to shift that mindset. Count my blessings. Imagine I'm in California or New Orleans or anywhere that's warmer than here right now. Stare into the sun.
4. I have to go to three different stores to find quality salmon.
5. I catch myself scanning the faces in the dining room because I secretly hope to see someone I know. Like, I feel like I need a hug from someone I know.
6. I think back to the dream. How it left me feeling thrilled and satisfied but also filled with longing and sadness.
7. The downside of wearing your slippers to pick up the kids from school is that if you forget that you need to go to the store, you have to drive all the way home to put on appropriate footwear.
8. Salmon and risotto and spinach. It's supposed to snow tonight.
9. He's right. These cookies really are no good.
10. Craving: time to journal and vision in a quiet home, alone.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty
1. Jordan Marsh’s blueberry muffin recipe really is the best. I’ve now eaten enough of them to know it without a doubt.
2. I am interrupted 5 minutes into my 10-minute meditation.
3. I throw the cold coffee out of my mug and into the sink. I am feeling unprepared to deal with a child who doesn’t like school. I want it to get better but it doesn’t. And I don’t know how to help.
4. Burnt up log.
5. Robin and I talk. It’s been far too long since we last spoke. But I love how we can just dive right back into co-creation.
6. I had forgotten just how joy-filled Molly is. That one hour with her was so needed and I didn’t even realize it.
7. When you saw a big dream out loud for the first time.
8. Laundry.
9. “1957” by Milo Green. “As” by Stevie Wonder. “The Water” by Feist.
10. Rosé.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Nine
1. The winds are quiet this morning but I can still feel the chill.
2. Cinnamon Toast for breakfast. Softened butter mixed with sugar and cinnamon slathered onto slices of bread and toasted in the oven. A treat we haven't had in a while.
3. What's the better question?
4. What am I committed to?
5. I love seeing her through my screen. I can't wait to hug her in real life. This is the beauty of co-creation and collaboration and the magic of the internet.
6. Lush and moody.
7. He gets in the car and asks if we can go back to New Orleans? Better yet, "When are we moving to California. I just want to be warm."
8. It's just land and sky. I forget how much earth remains untouched. I wish it would stay that way.
9. I eat a little too much but still make room for dessert. Because: little luxuries.
10. There is very little light on the back roads we take home. The night sky is clear and so black and deep. All I see is the moon and the stars. Amazing how much light the darkness holds.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Eight
1. The neighbor's tree split in half and my basketball goal is on its side. I can still hear the wind whipping through and shaking the screens.
2. The light is slow to come this morning. It is really winter now. You can just tell.
3. The coffee cake is taking a long time to bake and everyone is mad at me because it's after 7 an there is still no breakfast. I should have made muffins instead.
4. I start the latest podcast episode and, not surprisingly, I'm rethinking everything I know and have decided.
5. I see the words I've written and realize that what I'm working on is not in alignment with how I want to show up in the world. I mean, it is, and it isn't.
6. I just want to find a way to bridge the gap.
7. I just want to not be sick anymore.
8. Roasted chicken, potatoes, and green beans on the Friendly Village china. Novellum Chardonnay and Jean-Paul Chevenet Morgon Beaujolais and Shae Pinot Noir. We didn't get to the Odette Cabernet Sauvignon.
9. Why is it that we never say what we mean to say or do what we mean to do until it's too late?
10. I miss my friends.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Seven
1. Headlights from the neighbor's truck. The sound of his tires rolling across the wet pavement.
2. I start to dig out the apples to make a crisp for breakfast but decide it will just be oatmeal for today.
3. Morning pages beside the fireplace. Hot water with only garlic honey because I keep forgetting to buy lemons.
4. I think I hear giggling but I'm going to ignore it because it's only 6:15 and I don't want to talk to anyone yet. I still haven't had my first cup of coffee.
5. I know that next year I want growth. The kind of growth that is really expansive. Life changing kind of growth.
6. "You have to show up every day."
7. Empty the dryer. Slide basket into the hallway. Load the dryer. Turn it on. Load the washing machine. Turn it on. Carry the basket from the hallway to the bedroom where it will sit until it gets folded. Repeat. This is my work.
8. I separate the ornaments by color first. She goes in for the vintage Waterford Crystal and I tell her, "no, not this year." I've lost one of those crystal ornaments almost every year. They somehow get swallowed up in the thickness of the evergreen and there's no amount of shaking that's ever brought them back. Those ornaments are almost as old as I am.
9. The star that sits atop the tree is also almost as old as I am and missing a few pieces. I can never get it to sit straight. It's by far the least prettiest thing and yet it's also what makes it feel right.
10. Stranger Things.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Six
1. I make a whole pot forgetting that I'll be leaving soon to drink coffee somewhere else.
2. The sun is bright and high and in my face as I head east toward Naperville. Sunday traffic is light and easy. I'm still tired from last night's dinner even though I was in bed by 11.
3. Boxed water plus a large coffee plus a big cinnamon and sugar donut. The donut is not as good as the one I just ate from the abbey.
4. We nail down the name of the project. I am grateful to her for reaching out to me about this. We're doing our little thing to be a part of the conversation. And it's an important conversation.
5. It looks like there is glitter on the Fox River.
6. Brunch with my circle. Mimosas and a burger.
7. Two scoops of ice cream in a waffle cone. One scoop of sea salt caramel and one scoop of apple pie. I feel like a kid again.
8. I feel off. It might be the cold medicine plus a full and fast weekend.
9. Three deer walking across the scorched earth. Even with all that has been burned away, once they stop moving I can't see them. Is there safety in stillness?
10. I have no energy to decorate the tree tonight. "Tomorrow," I say. Tomorrow.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Five
1. I must have been dreaming about being late because I wake up thinking it is 6:30 and it's actually only 5:30.
2. The coffee grinder sounds especially loud in the laundry room today. I make myself and english muffin because I know I need something in my belly before the first cup. It's dripping with butter and a little bit of strawberry preserves. If I could learn how to make an english muffin like the ones from Model Bakery I'd be in big trouble.
3. He wants to leave early to have more time to shoot around before his game. The night before I caught him watching basketball instructional videos on Youtube. I'm glad he's taking it seriously. His passion may not be exactly what I want it to be, but it's passion nonetheless and I love that.
4. Win. To be fair, we are much taller than the opposition. So much about winning is really making yourself look and feel bigger, letting yourself take up space.
5. I listen to a podcast while I clean. My mind is going a million miles a minute. I process things much better while in movement.
6. It takes us almost 2 hours to get downtown for dinner. The moon is big and white and round and I can see its shadows.
7. Duck heart paired with a Mosel Riesling. We have an Alsatian Gewurztraminer next. A Cabernet Franc from 2008. I've never eaten a duck that still had its face on.
8. City lights.
9. It's good to be home. I sometimes wish I lived closer to the city. On nights like these I want to figure out all the ways I can bring little bits of the city here to this suburb.
10. More nighttime cold medicine. At least I know I'll be able to sleep.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Four
1. I can feel the sinus infection creeping back in. The remedy for this is never an easy one because it requires more rest and who has time to rest right now?
2. The first light is coming up over the rooftops and it's this strange white glow. Kind of like what I saw in the desert. But it feels weird to see it here.
3. First, white to break up the deep midnight sky. Then yellow, and some green, and orange. The colors of the rising and setting sun have been so saturated lately. It's a painting I can't recreate.
4. I do like to get my nails done. I'd love for it to happen more than once a year. She pushes back the cuticles and we talk about the energy it takes to build a business for yourself, the struggle to fight perfecting something before you do it, and ways to keep holding your vision.
5. Driving through these streets gets easier and easier.
6. We decide that this year we're going to go cut down our own Christmas tree.
7. Only two out of the three seem to be excited about this. We get to one lot and everyone gets out. We walk about 1000 feet before the girl begins to cry. At the next lot we let her stay in the car.
8. Chicken noodle soup. We eat the apple cider donuts from the abbey for dessert. It is the best donut I've had in a long time; perfectly sweet with just enough apple and spice, soft, and moist. I'm going to dream about this donut.
9. The branches on the tree are too tight so we have to wait to put on the decorations. I'm okay with that. I still haven't caught up this week. The suitcases are still full of clothes, the laundry hasn't been folded, the floors haven't been swept.
10. We sip on 2013 Sonoma Coast Vineyards Pinot Noir, which is still one of my favorite wines, and think back to those ricotta dumplings with hen of the woods mushrooms at La Petite Grocery, and debate the merits of molecular gastronomy. Like with most things, just give it to me straight. And give it to me good. I want to taste food, not the concept of food.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Three
1. Clouds that look like mountains.
2. Maybe one day I can talk the farmer into letting me on his property to take pictures. The land is so flat and the sun makes the short grass glow gold when the sun rises and sets.
3. She doesn't like granola.
4. Down to the basement. I should really put on slippers. This space works but it doesn't. Going through her edits makes me smile. I think, maybe I'll offer this again. I am still not sure how it all fits and makes sense.
5. A baked potato makes for an oddly satisfying lunch before I head back downstairs to edit.
6. How is this already the last day of November? I'm sure I say this to myself on the last day of every month of every year.
7. They did a control burn in the wetlands out back and so now all I see is the few remaining trees and scorched earth. I want to walk on the blackened ground and feel what it feels like to set fire to what is in order to make space for what will be.
8. A hawk. Awareness. Vision. Timing.
9. We both sit in front of the fireplace—I read and drink a pot of tea while he does his homework.
10. This used to be my favorite easy drinking wine but now they've put too much zinfandel in it.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Two
1. I don’t want to get up but I know I must.
2. Skeleton trees.
3. The only thing saving me this morning is the light.
4. I start dinner at 10:30 but take a break to go get the tire patched. I should have done this months ago but there are some things I’m just not good at doing. Adult type things. Sometimes I tell myself, it’s okay, you’re only 32. And other times I cringe in embarrassment because...I’m 32 and shouldn’t I be better at these adult type things already?
5. Options.
6. I’m trying to just find my focus.
7. It’s already 1:45. I feel as though my day is already lost and gone. I know that once the kids are home there is no more space for breathing.
8. The clouds are moving quickly over the bern, so thin and whispy.
9. I need a vacation from my vacation.
10. Sleepytime tea with garlic honey.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-One
1. My dreams are strange and thin. I think it’s because I was afraid to miss saying good-bye to my parents before they leave for work.
2. I get downstairs in just enough time to say good-by to my mom.
3. Dad is down. I rub the dog’s back while Dad makes coffee and gathers his things.
4. I didn’t realize how much I missed having a dog. I mean, I don’t want one now—my children are my pets—but their faces and the way they look at you and the way one’s movement up and down the back are so meditative.
5. I’m sad. I’m always sad on my last day.
6. The sun is playing peekaboo with the palm trees. The air smells swampy, kinda like the air at grandma’s townhouse in Charleston.
7. Airport food.
8. As we begin to descend all I see is gray.
9. Home. The house still smells new.
10. Frozen pizza but I make candied walnuts for the salad. Early to bed.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty
1. I wake up to the sound of him blowing his nose. A little bit of light is creeping in around the edges of the window.
2. Willa Jean for breakfast. I have coffee and kombucha and shrimp and grits. He gets the huevos rancheros. Amy, our waitress, has a tattoo of South Carolina on her wrist.
3. The light in this space.
4. I am a little disappointed that I didn’t get to do all the things I’d planned to do. I had my own expectations and reality didn’t align. I feel behind.
5. We head to Lucullus on Chatres. I decide that I’ll come back when I no longer have children in the home. This is not a place for people who like to really live in their homes.
6. I love beauty but I love function. I don’t desire to have things in my home that I am afraid to touch.
7. I forgot that City Putt is closed on Mondays. So is Cast Nets. We take the little one to go get some beignets to cover the wound of my forgetting.
8. Roasted chicken and roasted carrots with sautéed spinach.
9. I’m glad that I like my parents.
10. I’m not really ready to go home.
Ten.One Hundred & Forty-Nine
1. No one to tend to this morning.
2. The first parking lot we try is along the river and there’s this big oak tree she has me take a picture of before we get back into the car to find a cheaper lot.
3. We find a bakery but I opt for toast and fruit while everyone else eats gooey cinnamon buns.
4. Ogden Mueseum of Art.
5. I could stay in art museums for hours. In another life I’d be a sketch artist or maybe a painter or maybe a ceramicist or maybe a curator or maybe a gallery owner.
6. The same woman who made us breakfast is now here and she makes a treat.
7, Grey Skies in London: Gin, rosemary, and violet.
8. La Petite Grocery.
9. Red Burgundy, crab beignets, ricotta dumplings with hen of the woods mushrooms, duck confit with chilled barley and spaghetti squash and spinach and golden raisins, butterscotch pudding, coffee.
10. Early to bed.
Ten.One Hundred & Forty-Eight
1. The way the the wind is blowing through the palm trees.
2. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.
3. Two cousins, the husband, and I head toward the quarter so they can grab a few souvenirs from the market before they leave for their flight.
4. There’s a parade and the intersection of Frenchman Street and Elysian Fields so we take a detour down Esplanade. The colors and the shutters and the iron work on the balconies.
5. Satsuma trees still full of fruit.
6. Secret gardens.
7. Now only seven of us remain. It’s so quiet.
8. Steaks with red wine mushroom sauce. BV George Latour and Beringer Private Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon.
9. When you want to fall onto your knees and light candles and run fingers along rosary beads.
10. It’s so quiet.
Ten.One Hundred & Forty-Seven
1. This morning is for making sure he makes the biscuits and gravy in time.
2. Auntie is ironing all of the kids’ clothes.
3. My brother and I grab our cameras and hunt for light and decide that it has to be in the front of the house, outside, not inside like we originally planned. And all of us need to be squished in between the two pillars.
4. It only takes us 30 minutes to get in all of the shots. Mom makes a comment about how even though she hates taking pictures, she’s beginning to understand the importance of them.
5. I am feeling everyone's emotions.
6. I think of what it might feel like to be a man whose years of life have now outnumbered both his father’s and his younger brother’s.
7. The way the water is reflecting the colors of the trees and the people and the sky.
8. All of the live oaks.
9. Squeezing all of the leftovers into smaller containers.
10. He finally pooped.
Ten.One Hundred & Forty-Six
1. I don’t make it downstairs until almost 8 and I feel the best I’ve felt all week.
2. Toasted crossiant and fruit and coffee.
3. We plan for the meals of the day: what will be cooked, when and what will go where, how long does is all need.
4. It’s so sunny today. We look up at the chandelier.
5. I sit on the semi-circle driveway, find a place in the sun, and begin to write. The neighbor from across the street honks his horn at me and says something I and understand but I’m sure it was Happy Thanksgiving.
6. The food is good and familiar and after we’re done we make my auntie a bitmoji.
7. Then the topic turns to genealogy, the history of the names and personalities of people from another place and time.
8. I wish I knew more.
9. We are a family of storytellers.
10. Happy Thanksgiving.