Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifteen

1. I don’t hear the birds yet. I can keep my eyes closed.

2. Jaw so tight. What a rough way to start the day.

3. The thing is, I have to tools to navigate this.

4. Today needs coffee.

5. The good thing about a teenager in this situation is that they’d rather be alone in their room anyway.

6. I answer right away. I talk longer and about way more than I intended. But you know when your people are your people. And now I feel seen and validated.

7. It’s not the happy travelers that are coming in, she says.

8. But I know how this movie ends.

9. I hate that I’m going to miss this one inning game.

10. I am quiet. Just trying to soak it all in. Trying to pay attention. Trying to be observant. My mind feels like it’s going 2 miles per hour. Maybe I’m just tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifteen

1. The birds are loud. It’s time to get up.

2. What will today bring?

3. Quietly and diligently. Focus.

4. “Today was going to be the day, but I got scared.”

5. He says they told him that he can’t go back to school without quarantining for 10 days or with a negative COVID test.

6. Is he faking? No. His forehead feels a little warm.

7. “And are you choosing to be ‘irresponsible’ to your mental health and well-being?”

8. Best way to clear the mind is to clear the space.

9. He calls him out. The winning run. The ball wasn’t in his hand. But umps call. Another one-inning game tomorrow to break the tie and say alive. I will have to miss it.

10. But, in this case, logic doesn’t work.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Fourteen

1. Still don’t want to get up.

2. That feeling when your whole body wants to shut down.

3. I toss chocolate chips into the batter because it’s Sunday.

4. What is going right?

5. Back under the covers.

6. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had coffee in two days?

7. Laundry and more laundry.

8. “In assuming the viewpoint of no defense, you have chosen the right to be who and what you are with no games involved.” - Medicine Cards

9. Hot in the sun. A cooling breeze. They run up the score quickly.

10. Burgers on the grill.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirteen

1. Staying in bed.

2. I reheat the leftover bolognese and take it back to bed.

3. Nothing on the list feels as important as going back to bed.

4. He’s always worried when I sleep a lot. I just need the rest.

5. It reminds me of Brentwood. For a moment I wonder if we should have stayed.

6. I realize that I’m trying to talk myself out of the very thing I know I need to do. I can hope for the best, but I’ve seen this show before. I know how it ends.

7. I could go back to sleep.

8. I lean back in my stadium seat and put my face in the sun. The heat on my skin feels good.

9. What would I have to shift in order to make that a reality?

10. Craving: Tuesdays on the sofa with coffee.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Twelve

1. Waking up with the birds.

2. Early morning light.

3. These candied kumquats though.

4. Barely 10 am and I am already tired from the day. What else do I need to do?

5. The stretching is deep and good and cleansing.

6. The house is small but cute. There are garden beds and a vineyard view. It’s quiet. I should like it more than I do. I know he will not like “it doesn’t feel right,” for an answer.

7. The more he says it, the more nervous I get.

8. I give them each a rootbeer candy from the deli.

9. The weather is absolutely perfect.

10. Lovina for dinner. Ceviche. Little gems salad. Levain with the silkiest butter. Pork bolognese with truffle butter. Flourless cake with espresso ice cream and cherries.

11. So tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eleven

1. So cold.

2. No water. Again.

3. 58 degrees downstairs. I decide to turn on the heat for them.

4. He leaves to take the car to the dealership. I have at least one hour to myself before the kids wake. There is enough water in the tea kettle from yesterday to make a pot of yerba mate.

5. Sun coming in.

6. Still burning.

7. She has a baby goat and she’s walking it on a leash. Athena.

8. I’m doing the thing I said I didn’t want to do.

9. It feels like rain.

10. Hail.

11. “You can love them and let them go.”

Ten. One Thousand, Four Hundred & Ten

1. Holy moly. Too cold.

2. Loud birds. What time is it?

3. I make a full pot of regular even though I know I should have decaf.

4. I am living the life of my dreams.

5. I wish I had a better poker face.

6. Control C. Control V.

7. She shows me the tower of jasmine. You can smell it before you see it, even through the mask.

8. We sit at the table by the police department and eat our sandwiches. She is a gift from the universe, a harbinger of messages I needed to hear.

9. Teary-eyed again. I blame my lunch with Jodi.

10. That was actually a pretty good game.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Nine

1. Air so cool. Birds so loud.

2. There is no quiet way to close the window.

3. Maybe it’s the coffee that’s making me angry.

4. “The cemeteries are filled with people who once believed that they were indispensable.” - Medicine Cards

5. She always has the best mood. Her energy is enviable.

6. “How can I help?” she asks. I tell her that the question is helpful because it requires me to stop and think about what I actually need.

7. “Free” time.

8. We score 6 runs at the top of the one-inning game. Bottom of the inning. Three runs from the other team. Then two more. Two kids on base. Winning run at the plate. Pop-up fly caught by the pitcher for the last out.

9. I feel lighter. This is what it’s all about.

10. He asks me if I believe in ghosts.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Eight

1. Cold.

2. Another load.

3. Coffee. Frozen waffles for them. Green juice and fruit for me.

4. The list is long. I tell myself that I will let myself watch one episode if I can get it all done.

5. I can’t tell if having your experience makes you feel more validated, or angrier.

6. “What has anger showed you today?”

7. Even though he keeps giving me permission, something is holding me back.

8. For a moment, I think I should consult an outside perspective. Then I remember that I am the only one who knows what’s best for me. Seeking outside approval will only confuse me.

9. “You’re allowed to be scared AND do what’s best for your mental health and family.”

10. I don’t think my stomach can handle another inning.

11. Soup. Bread.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Seven

1. But I have to get up so that I can finish.

2. Cinnamon roll from a can. Coffee.

3. But, why?

4. Was it necessary? See above.

5. She tells me that I am being pulled to an edge that I usually avoid. She tells me to let myself go there.

6. “I’m tired of white light. Go into the dark. Creation happens in the womb.”

7. I tell him I just want to take a nap on the ground with my face in the sun.

8. The umps are late. I lay down and close my eyes.

9. Hanger steak is rarely a bad idea.

10. We think, maybe, that we have a plan.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Six

1. Gray skies. A mood.

2. Vanilla coconut-milk yogurt with roasted walnuts, homemade granola, and homemade candid kumquats.

3. The words come out quickly. This topic needs more space but we’ll see how it goes.

4. Hair.

5. He sends me a link to the article. Nice move. Petty me wishes I had said something. That I had set everything on fire. I will just haunt them for the next eight years.

6. There is just enough sun peeking through. I make a snack and sit in the hammock. Face in the sun. So quiet.

7. Nap.

8. I can do nothing.

9. It was criminal of me to buy these grocery store strawberries.

10. That deadline is approaching quickly.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Five

1. That was a late night.

2. Hungry.

3. Finally Friday. Finally the end of the week. Finally, some time to rest?

4. I am talking and hoping that what I am saying is making sense. He’s nodding as if it does. That’s good. He says, that the majority of applicants were women. I find that telling. Is it that the men already believe they are quality leaders? That they have no room for growth?

5. My arms feel unsteady in the side plank. Everything is shaking today.

6. That darn windshield.

7. She texts me to say that she’s been meaning to ask me about these things. I tell her that I’ve been on the verge of tears almost every day because of these things. There is much to talk about.

8. We lament over the amount of time it takes to do our daughter’s hair. I laugh to myself. Only another Black mom would understand.

9. It just doesn’t feel right.

10. I laugh.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Four

1. Cleaning clothes.

2. Almost forgot the coffee.

3. Where is the time going.

4. I think of how soothing it is to see a familiar face. Of how our time together seems like a lifetime ago.

5. All the snacks.

6. I didn’t think I’d stay.

7. Why did he bring that?

8. I just like to introduce those parts of me later. Not everyone needs to know.

9. Apparently, the sound of breaking class was the result of a baseball hitting my car. Of course. Of course, it would be my car.

10. A rally.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Three

1. But really. What are those noises up there?

2. A shorts day.

3. I realize that I’ve gotten good at doing these presentations in 15 minutes. But no one really gets upset when a meeting ends early.

4. Sun in my face.

5. Last day of the symposium.

6. “People are in love with the stereotypes of wine.” - Felicity Carter

7. In the end, you just need to work on your craft. The topic doesn’t matter. What matters is your devotion to your art.

8. Does anyone know why they do anything?

9. Oh boy.

10. A rally to win.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Two

1. Now, the birds are louder than the frogs.

2. No one wants to eat the cereal that is for breakfast. Maybe we’ll get back to me baking something every morning. Maybe we won’t.

3. I should have grabbed a scarf for my legs.

4. Yes, we should be sending in more pitches, but there is still work the industry needs to do. If they want diverse voices, they will have to continue to look for them.

5. I’m not convinced that we don’t still need to build our own tables.

6. I have way less patience. Maybe I need to go back to decaf.

7. I tell him that I miss working with her. I’d work with her again.

8. I could list all the disappointments, but it wouldn’t shift anything.

9. I sit in the hammock and look out at the trees. I hear only the distant chatter of birds. The early evening light is leaking through the canopy. A kiss of a breeze.

10. Raft Antonella. Leftover roasted chicken. I am too tired/frustrated/hot to eat much.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & One

1. Today.

2. Make the list. Make the coffee. Make the breakfast.

3. I move the desk to the edge of the deck and set myself up there. Birds and blowers and quiet thuds.

4. Signs are everywhere when your eyes are open.

5. Who is this guy? I google him so that I can avoid him in the future.

6. Doesn’t matter. Gratitude any way.

7. Can you become friends with all of your club members? This is the sweet part of the job - getting to know people and their families and their work and their lives. I miss the people part of it all.

8. Baseball practice. And softball game. And baseball practice.

9. Gott’s. Of course.

10. Too, too late.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred

1. Not ready.

2. Blueberry scones. Coffee to go.

3. I stare out the window. I remind myself that I live in a very beautiful place. Do not take it for granted.

4. Hot air balloons.

5. A quiet ride.

6. Yerba Mate and laundry and RHOA.

7. But can they make shorts that are longer than these but shorter than those?

8. Water is shut off. Who knows why. Hammock nap.

9. Still my favorite part of Sunday.

10. But if you're not happy, then none of it matters.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. Why is it so loud.

2. Definitely needed the alarm.

3. We are all quiet because we are tired.

4. Last day.

5. Standing in the parking lot, trying to stay calm.

6. This game feels like it’s taking forever. Someone says they seek smoke in the distance. I look up at the sky.

7. I should have gotten the chicken nuggets.

8. Being a tourist in your own town.

9. I’m good with leftovers.

10. Last day.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. Never enough sleep.

2. Brisk air. Deep breath.

3. I had forgotten about the traffic. We take a roundabout way home. I wave to someone. “You know them?” “She’s the only one in town who drives that car. And I’m the only black woman who lives here. Pretty easy to recognize each other.”

4. She takes it easy on us, and I don’t mind.

5. I do what he would do. I walk the store and check the stock; out of Sauvignon Blanc, down to six bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon.

6. What’s for dinner?

7. This part is done.

8. Finally caught up on emails.

9. This would be more fun if not for the aggressive coaching.

10. It’s really too late to eat any ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. I can’t remember the last time I picked up a book.

2. Just keep putting yourself in the right places and things will happen.

3. Crisp air. Birdsong. Sparkling light.

4. But not related to illness.

5. Watching the changing landscape.

6. “I wish I could live here,” she says.

7. This is becoming harder than it should have been.

8. But I actually just don’t care.

9. I pick up a book. I can’t decide if I’m going to like this. I read a few more pages, and then a few more.

10. Steak salad. The 9-year-old beats me at the word game.

11. I need to read more.