Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Five
How would I feel if I didn’t do it? I'd better do it.
It feels a little like fall.
What’s the word? Punchy. I’m feeling punchy. I better stop drinking so much coffee.
Focus.
Perfect weather for an outdoor lunch. Except for the bees who want to eat my shrimp risotto
As we walk back up the hill, I tell them, “Well, yesterday on my family call, my uncle said, ‘Be encouraged.’”
The last two Tootsie Roll pops.
A sports-free night.
Miso-maple chicken with Brussels sprouts and rice. Only four of us talking about the Cubs and their home runs.
How much of it is necessary?
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Four
I really don’t want to get up.
She says it’s her favorite hairstyle she’s seen on me. And she’s been seeing me for six years.
Back in bed writing morning pages and drinking coffee.
Impactful. Creative. Joyful.
Creating containers.
When the headache spreads to your sinuses, and you feel it in your nose and cheek.
Keep it simple.
I know I really want ice cream when I’m willing to get it myself. I did, of course, check first to see if the teenagers were available to do it.
Can’t sleep.
Be encouraged.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Three
Three hours. So tired; it’s like that same feeling of being hungover.
Gas and green juice and coffee. A woman who is not from here asks me if the green juice is good. I mean, it’s green juice.
What a cool campus in a beautiful city-town. Clean. The fog has cleared, and everything is bright.
She seems offended that I am moving to the other side of the bleachers where they aren’t. I’m sorry that I don’t want to be a part of your purple-sequined brigade.
Loud.
We walk to the corner market to grab lunch. It’s like a tinier Sunshine. $10.49 for a can of frosting if you’re in a pinch.
You can see it on their faces.
A rough weekend of sports.
Debating a PTO day on Monday, but then reminding myself that the following weekend is Labor Day weekend. I can make it one full week. Can’t I?
Trying.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-Two
TGIF.
Coffee at home.
Calling for a meeting, then not doing any pre-reading for the meeting.
“I mean, it’s not rocket science.”
Fried chicken fried rice with a sweet and sour sauce. 2024 Trefethen Riesling.
You can tell we’re close to the coast by the way the trees have succumbed to the wind.
It’s way less stressful when your kid isn’t the one playing.
He’s a lot funnier than I thought.
The desire to write a strongly worded letter.
Full moon over my shoulder.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty-One
Things are different, but have they changed?
Sixty-seven days.
She gives me a referral to a sports med doc. Finally.
Water spilling everywhere and then I go and break the coffee caraffe which means no more coffee for me.
It’s almost laughable.
“Did I make the meeting tense today?”
“When seeking guidance, don't ever listen to the tiny-hearted. Be kind to them, heap them with blessing, cajole them, but do not follow their advice.”― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
Sitting at the tiny desk and taking tickets and narrowly escaping being decapitated by a rogue volleyball. Back at it.
He asks me what was a good part of my day today. I say that it’s leaving work to come watch volleyball.
Too many things.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Forty
Rest day? Rest day.
My fingers still smell like onions from when I make my lunch.
It’s the longest week. It’s still only Wednesday. If we could just have one more day back to be at home. I like being in my house. I like my friends, but I also really like my house.
Crying over Kitchen Nightmares.
Use all the senses.
“What are you excited about?”
A thrilling third set for the win.
A full-ish moon dangling above the ridge line.
I think I still have one more homework assignment to do.
What am I excited about?
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Nine
Another weird dream. I blame it on stress. Eclipse season?
Big strength, little strength.
Six tiny breakfast sausages in a paper cup.
I really gotta work on my timing in the morning. I can’t get out of here fast enough.
Gratitudes.
There’s something off about their energy today. Disconnected? Aloof? Distracted? Whatever it is, I’m regretting that we’ve added them to these meetings.
Slow down, sir.
Perfect lunch weather. If nothing else, at least there is this.
Not the referral I was hoping for, but at least an order for bloodwork.
Wait. What happened to the chili?
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Eight
So many nightmares lately.
These American bakers are not as talented as the British bakers.
The upside is the cool morning air on my scalp instead of heat building up under the hat.
Maybe faster.
Very rarely does he say something that makes me this… perturbed.
I’ll hit my 10,000 steps today. Thank goodness for the intern.
These views. These views.
She says we work so well off of each other, and she’s so right. We do. And that’s why our work looks so good. Why do they want to tear us apart?
I really need to read.
Should have ordered the ice cream.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Seven
In the dream, we are all squished into seats on a bus, but the bus isn’t moving. It’s like our makeshift office, and it captures exactly what it’s like to sit in the office. And we’re trapped.
I don’t smell any coffee yet.
The “after” is the best part.
Late morning pages and coffee. It still feels cool in the shade, but I can tell the heat is coming.
What is this feeling of dread?
Pulling the pieces together.
“Three words you want to identify your program this season.”
I tell them that I really needed this call; now, I’m feeling inspired.
He looks bigger somehow.
I ask her if my friend sent the flowers. She said no; she bought them for me. I’m doing something right.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Six
At first, I think he’s waking me to tell me something has happened to the big kid. But it’s him; he wants to run up the hill to the hospital.
For some reason, the kid holding the balloon in the mural reminds me of Bobby Hill.
Almost three hours, but back home. I put my pajamas back on and crawl back into bed.
Icy feet.
1 p.m. The whole day gone, but I clearly needed the rest.
Linkin Park, windows open, driving a little faster than I normally would.
He asks if the new hair has made me a new person. I explain that it’s an interesting situation. As I said to them, there’s a difference between choosing to have short hair versus it simply happening to you. But maybe I’ll feel different once it’s all done.
At least, I feel like I’m in a position to move forward with a plan while maintaining some sense of confidence.
I realize that I haven’t eaten all day. I pile my plate with pasta and eat three slices of garlic bread. A glass of low abv Chardonnay.
She says it’s cute. I believe her.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Five
Stretch. Core. Walk.
What’s that rustling in the leaves?
He tells me I can drive his car to work today. I slide in and am so far back, it feels like I’m slipping into the back seat. At least it’s clean.
Coffee in the dark.
Actually. Turns out that it’s nice to work in a quiet and dark office. I’m reminded of the old days in St. Helena when I could get to the office in six minutes and start my day with no one in the building.
He tells me that he’s looking forward to being able to actually wear a hat again.
Finding the shaded portion of the bleachers.
Sometimes, I just need something deeper.
I found someone. I found a little bit of relief.
Les Français.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Four
Progressive load.
I don’t even hear them leave for school, but I know they’re always out the door on time.
That feeling of wanting to help someone but not knowing how.
No shame. I just think, is this how you’d like to be treated?
Vineyard walk after lunch. I know they hate seeing us find ways to inject joy into our days.
What a wild week.What wild weeks. A wild month. A wild summer.
I can’t believe it’s finally Thursday, and I had the first two days of the week off.
Two hot dogs because I know I’m behind on my protein. Looking at the watch to see what time it is. Thank goodness the volleyball game started late. Back to being double-booked. Wait, varsity is best 3 out of 5?
I don’t know what word to use to describe this feeling yet. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything in my current vocabulary.
Should have had her bring home some ice cream.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Three
D-Day.
He’s always sitting outside on his deck in the morning. I think he lives alone; I’ve only ever seen his silhouette in the kitchen. I never wear my contacts on my walk, so I never know if he’s looking at me, so I pretend that I’m so locked in that I don’t notice him.
Moody, fall-like sky.
I’m going to be really late today.
I don’t even recognize myself.
I keep trying to get people to fight the system, but they are too scared.
He sends a TikTok link to the family chat and asks if he can make the dish for dinner. For the whole family? Of course you can.
Where is my car key?
I can’t find it because it isn’t here.
To Reddit, or not to Reddit.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-Two
Deep stretch. A little bit of weight. An easy walk. Gray sky.
Morning pages on the back deck as the sun breaks through the fog. Would love to have 3 more days like this.
Wait. Now, I’m confused. Was she imagining it all along? What was real? Or is the point that you don’t really know?
I can do it.
One class is loaded, but not the other, and it’s causing me a lot of anxiety. But at least the work for this one is due on Wednesdays and Fridays. These are the best days of the week for now.
I let him drive.
A big white truck pulled over on the side of the road. Beside it, a man stands at an easel painting the sunset. It makes me smile.
We both agree that “Papercut” is one of our favorite albums of all time.
But I don’t want to do it all, all of the time.
Walking toward.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty-One
I didn’t hear the alarm, and now it’s way later than I thought it would be. But maybe it’s okay that I’m missing today's workout.
The youngest two head out first, on time — early even.
The oldest comes down the stairs in his flannel and darn denim, pours himself a big cup of coffee and scoops pear crisp into a bowl. This all feels strange, but also nice.
I picked the wrong two days for PTO.
I don’t like any of the options it’s giving me.
I decide to take a walk around the neighborhood. A leisurely pace. He asks me if I’m exercising; no, just taking a break from the screens. The cool breeze keeps blowing through the back of my shirt-jacket.
This little kitchen project is taking way longer than I thought, but look at all the empty spaces in the drawers and under the cabinets. I’m sure it will all be undone within a month or two.
I think about how this compulsive need to clean the drawers is a reflexive need to feel some kind of control in a season of life where I’m going to lose a whole lot of it.
Jumpscares all over this show. My nerves can’t handle any more.
It’s just that I don’t see what I want.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirty
Space.
Who is she? What kind of choices does she make? How does she feel?
Making a list of all the places he might want to go for lunch after this little errand.
Empty hands
The three of us eat our lunch in the shade. It’s busy, but not crazy for a Sunday afternoon. He tells us little stories from his trip to Arizona and Vegas and Zion.
Supervising a car wash.
Something oddly satisfying about the taste of the cheddar and the chicken — “gringo tacos” we call them.
Not listening.
Second season of “Castle Rock.
Hard-boiled eggs, homemade granola, packs of fruit and cheese, pear crisp, protein muffins. Let’s see if I can keep up with this kind of production every week.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Twenty-Nine
A blast from the past.
In the second dream, we are in a very tall building and hear a rumble. We hide under the counters as the building sways from side to side.
Am I fooling myself in thinking that if I just build in all the organization, I won’t feel the same way this year that I felt last year?
I hate shopping.
“To dream of an earthquake suggests that you are experiencing a major "shake-up" that is threatening your stability and foundation. The dream highlights your insecurity, fears, and sense of helplessness. Is there something in your life that you feel at "fault" for? If you find cover from the quake, you will overcome these challenges.”
Afternoon appointments in a black salon. This is why I haven’t been to one in over six years. Well, that, and living in Napa Valley.
Juicy chicken tenders. I get it.
I don’t think my Spotify DJ really gets me.
Why am I so thirsty? Parched, even.
Yoga tomorrow. And then two more extra days.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Twenty-Eight
Methodical.
Clean.
I just realized that I haven’t eaten lunch. I blame it on the extra cups of coffee.
Where would I be without the group chat?
All the exclamation points.
“Oh my God, was that just on Monday?” Yes. That is how long this week has felt - 5,800 days long.
A big bowl of cold watermelon.
I don’t think it’s any coincidence that this class and the class before it were full of women. She says it’s just fun to craft with the girls.
I made a book. They say they hope to see me at the next one. I want to be able to say I’ll be there, but then I think of all the things I’ll be busy doing instead.
The constant negotiation.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Twenty-Seven
Stretch and more stretch.
Maybe this is it.
One quarter of an Under-Study cinnamon roll. The very last bite, I taste a familiar flavor. Like that artificial sweetness or spice from those small cinnamon rolls you could buy at the gas station in the clear cellophane.
I knew I wasn’t going to be able to control myself. I’ve been daydreaming about a fight for the past 12 hours. And I’ve had too much coffee.
A crispy Pink Lady apple.
Perfect lunch weather.
Trying to remember all there is to look forward to. There are things to look forward to.
Like nothing happened.
I reschedule the doctor’s appointment because I just want the morning to feel easy and free.
The highlighter yellow color of Sonia Cirton’s shoes.
Ten.Two Thousand, Seven Hundred & Twenty-Six
The sound of rain.
Do I, or don’t I? I do.
I really need to get this timing down before the school year starts.
All of this is very ironic.
I recount a story about my neighbor Neal and how, during one summer, we used to go hours-long walks and have philosophical discussions. And we would wave to each other through our stairwell windows. That was the summer I was trying to learn how to play golf and I would hit practice balls in the backyard and on the empty lot across.
I remember that I am the timekeeper, which means I actually have the control.
Post-meeting walk. By the time we get back, we’re a little sweaty.
I feel like if I don’t clean out the kitchen drawers, I won’t make it through the semester. Or, like, the drawers are a representation of my mind at the moment: full, some of it useful, a lot of it not.
I extol the virtue of taking off work on the first day of school. I can’t wait.
A golden hour walk. A smile on my face. “Chihiro” and “Bittersweet”. A slow pace. Look at the way the valley below glows. This hill never gets any easier.