Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. Who needs an alarm when the squawking jays and turkeys go wild at 5:30 a.m.?

2. Fogged in. I wanted a light-filled start to the day.

3. Now that I have it, I wonder how long it’ll take before I actually write in it.

4. Finding the beauty anyway.

5. Today is a sitting day. I think I need to take a break from standing.

6. The same commercials on repeat.

7. The best compliment.

8. The cards told me to pay attention to the signs. This is one of them.

9. Wait. Where did broken umbrellas go? Where is Phil? How are we going to eat outside now without a fan of shade? I really need to buy an umbrella tonight.

10. It shouldn’t be this hard.

Ten.Two Thousad, Six Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. Bright sun. A good sign on shoot day.

2. I misjudged the morning temperatures and am sweaty before 9 a.m.

3. My legs. I want to lie on the floor and not move. We must demand access to a golf cart.

4. Who ate my lunch?

5. Three down, which means there should be at least four, but we only have two.

6. He says that he’s into astrology and Rococo; he is warm and innocent and open and deep. I dig.

7. It’s an odd assortment of folks.

8. Listening to the way she speaks about this, you remember that we could have done so much more.

9. Car metaphors while drinking wine on a low-slung couch. The kind of Napa Valley scene outsiders think you live on the regular.

10. No more words. Peopled out.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. Gratitude for this morning light.

2. What the cards say: don’t be afraid of your power; use your power; trust your intuition.

3. Tiny ripples across the water.

4. All I can think about is that there’s still more statistics homework to do.

5. I’d rather be outside.

6. Digging, digging, digging. I find everything but the one thing I really want.

7. I open up the slats of the blinds. It’s a desperate attempt to hold onto time. Can I sneak in a few more minutes of light? A few more minutes of life?

8. “Harsh self-criticism activates the sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight) and elevates stress hormones. Self-compassion, on the other hand, triggers the mammalian caregiving system and hormones of affiliation and love such as oxytocin.”
   ― Marc Brackett, Permission to Feel: The Power of Emotional Intelligence to Achieve Well-Being and Success

9. The last bit of ice cream.

10. The end is coming.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. When sleeping in is waking up at 6 a.m.

2. Tahitian Vanilla.

3. Yes. I want to romanticize my life.

4. He reminds me that there are many different paths. A bite of wisdom I didn’t realize I was hungry for.

5. I look down at the time and realize that more than two hours have passed. That’s a good thing.

6. She says she wants to romanticize her life.

7. The colors in this one.

8. Schramsberg and fried chicken tenders.

9. Sidewalk. Sunshine. Summer breeze.

10. Fever Dreams.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Slow pace, deep breaths.

2. You should have your beliefs and thoughts challenged; otherwise, there is no growth.

3. They must live their life in a perpetual state of panic.

4. Sunlight through the window.

5. Fried chicken and Brut Rosé. Key Lime pie and decaf. Conversation and laughter.

6. Trying to envision that little slice of pie that will remain after this is all done. Almost there. We’re almost there.

7. I wish there could be more joy in these moments.

8. Hot honey pepperoni.

9. Do we think big enough?

10. Yes, more of this please.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-One

1. 4:30 a.m. Rain.

2. 5:19 a.m. I already know what her message says. I lay in bed a little longer, listening to the rain taptaptap on the roof.

3. A mixture of release and more stress.

4. I owe her a phone call, but I can’t seem to squeeze in the minutes.

5. Just me, myself, and I.

6. Is it weird that I want to study my next chapter of statistics?

7. Every minute after 3 p.m. here is torture.

8. She says she has an eye twitch. I was there not too long ago.

9. What am I thinking about? Everything.

10. Realness.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty

1. Cool, cool morning.

2. Stretches of bumpy pink clouds hover over the ridge.

3. I stand in the middle of the parking lot and watch a red-tailed hawk fly from tree to tree. But he didn’t drop a feather for me.

4. Hot tea.

5. Not the sandwich boards again.

6. We’re all on the Titanic. We know the water is coming in, but we still have a little more time.

7. At least we can eat in the sunshine today.

8. The sound of rain crushing the rooftop.

9. I forgot my speaker.

10. Je te lasserai des mots = I will leave you words

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. A recitation of phrases to get me up and out.

2. I turn my mat towards the windows so I can watch the sun rise while I sweat.

3. All I’m missing is the dill. But I’ve taken the last of the roasted chicken.

4. At least I have them.

5. Is this his passive way of telling me that I have to come to this dinner?

6. When you’re given the right words at a moment when you are questioning everything.

7. Your gut is always right, even when you don’t want to believe it is.

8. But why? There’s a bigger, deeper reason for all of this that goes beyond the normal.

9. The last time I wrote one of these was on April 6. What happened in between? So many things that I cannot remember.

10. What’s the likelihood they are still here?

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. 1:11 a.m.

2. I add 40 more minutes to the alarm.

3. Loud turkey calls.

4. Now, I want to each a slice of porchetta.

5. I say I’m going to eat all of the Reese’s, but instead I eat all of the jellybeans.

6. What do we do now?

7. No homework due today, but a quiz in two days time.

8. Maybe tomorrow is the day.

9. This drive at golden hour is always breathtaking. The colors of the sky and the shades of green and gray of the mountains.

10. Timing.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Setting a second alarm.

2. Really gotta give this leg some more attention.

3. Probability.

4. Conformity, compliance, obedience.

5. I think my jeans might melt onto my legs.

6. “If you are still in one place, then you never move.” / “It’s not success if it’s not shareable.” / “I’m living in a body that tells me two things at once.” - José Andrés

7. “They didn’t see it for me, but I see it for me.”

8. Ham, mashed potatoes, glazed carrots, asparagus. Spring.

9. Can’t control Mother Nature.

10. Anthony Bourdain’s “Les Halles Cookbook”

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Six

1. Would you believe it? A turkey call to wake me up.

2. I remember that I’m back on the clock today which means I must get out of bed and dressed and down to breakfast on time. I hear the bell ringing, letting me know I have 15 more minutes before breakfast is served.

3. I am the first one down; there are not many of us left today. I am tempted by a plate of fluffy banana oatmeal pancakes but stick with fruit, chicken sausage, and coconut yogurt with granola. Coffee.

4. I join them today and they tell me they’ve been painting together for the last few days, and that they feel like old friends, and that they are certain they are getting on Nino’s nerves. I have to leave for a call as they talk about living during the terror of the Golden State Killer.

5. Technical issues.

6. I buy a large bundle of sage, three notecards, and three milagros: a heart, an evil eye, and a key.

7. More emails, but in the sun, with a breeze, and a heavy mug filled with decaf.

8. One last meal: roasted salmon, salad with a lemon vinaigrette, green rice, bean salad. Black-eyed Susan cookie. A second helping of green rice and bean salad.

9. Protecting energy.

10. He asks me where I was. I tell him I needed a bit of time away and some quiet. “That’s valid,” he says.

11. I promise them that we’re not having pizza again for at least three weeks.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Five

1. I lift the curtain to see how much light there is; I’m worried about encountering animals here if I’m out too early.

2. Not all sunrises are the same.

3. Avocado toast. Bacon. Fruit. Coconut milk and granola. Journal. Fireplace.

4. I sit and think while she works on my fingers. I can’t hold anything; there is nothing to watch. I can only be.

5. Ginger shrimp, ginger and garlic green beans and peppers, rice, salad with orange and almonds, and tamarind. Coconut macaroon. I do a little shimmy in my chair. Full but not weighed down.

6. Just want to keep slowing down time.

7. Five pages by hand.

8. Legs straight out in front of me. Moving the chaise to be partially in the sun and partially in the shade. Finishing a book. Pure bliss.

9. “The land was pointed out ot me from the road, which ran along the side of the hill above it, and right away I wanted to buy it. If the agent had spoken to me of the disadvantages, I would not have heard him at that moment. I was numbed by the beauty of what I saw: a long valley of blood-red vineyards, half flooded with late summer rain; in the distance, yellow fields choked with weeds and thistles and behind them a forest covering a hillside; in the middle of the valley, higher than the fields, the ruin of a farhmouse: a mulberry tree grew up thorugh the broken stone of its garden wall, and nearby, theshadow of an ancient pear tree lay across the carpet of brown, rotted fruit on the ground.” - “The House Plans”, The Collected Stories of Lydia Davis

10. Urfa spice on the hanger steak with a Piquillo sauce. The roasted kabocha squash, polenta, and salad with a vinaigrette. Seconds of steak and polenta, with a drizzle of Piquillo sauce. Lemon olive oil cake for dessert.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Five

1. Today’s the day.

2. I take my time getting out of the door, which is a bonus, because it means that I am walking in the daylight.

3. Her face and her voice and her laugh. Has it really been seven years since we last saw each other in person. The world has changed so much since then.

4. First stop: the ocean.

5. Collected shorty stories by Lydia Davis while listening to the waves crash. Young women8 who look they should be in school walking along the shore line. But surely, if I lived here, I’d skip, too.

6. Grocery store sushi because I forgot to eat breakfast.

7. A hug from him in the main office.

8. A hug from her, our first time meeting each other in person, in the dining hall before I pile on more chicken and chimichurri onto my plate.

9. I slide scoops of chocolate pot de creme with a coconut whipped cream into my mouth and text her that the food is still a 10 out of 10.

10. A little bag of caramel corn for a late night snack.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Four

1. Icy and Hot.

2. Morning light. Lingering a little bit longer before remembering that you need to do some more math before the day begins.

3. The logistics of everything.

4. Mount St. Helena —> Montelena

5. Coffee, sparkling wine, salad, French toast, a hasselback potato.

6. I should go to the beach. I should add another day. What if I never want to come back?

7. I write the same formula over and over and over again — FV=PMT[(1+i)ⁿ-1/i] — until I get the problem right.

8. I find enough time for a quick call.

9. I really want one of those ice cream cones.

10. This is almost the last one.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Time.

2. Baseball camp, long-sleeve button-up, and linen shorts. We’ll try that for today.

3. Thinking about how to stuff a little bit of learning into the day.

4. The delight of a gentle breeze blowing through, catching the spaces between your neck and the collar of your shirt.

5. They swear Dave’s Hot Chicken is so much better.

6. Reminding myself that I still have two more days added to this weekend.

7. I try to pull up the tickets for the play, but then remember that I took all the apps off of my phone.

8. What a surprise.

9. We spend the intermission talking about work and math and the future.

10. Missing my own warmth.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Two

1. A later start, a little more light.

2. There’s that quote again.

3. I shouldn’t drink any more regular coffee, but it’s good and the oat milk is frothy and warm.

4. Is it just me, or does this feel weird?

5. I recognize that today’s extra attention to the grout is another method of procrastination.

6. Three more days.

7. It only took me two hours to figure out what I kept getting wrong with the problem. MAT 119 is going to test my grit.

8. Always crying during a cooking show.

9. Delete. Delete. Delete.

10. Needs something more.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-One

1. Permission.

2. “We are kept from our goal not by obstacles, but by a clear path to a lesser goal.” - Be Your Future Self Now

3. A swirling undercurrent of determination and resolve.

4. So many mosquitoes in so little time.

5. Literally running to the bathroom to avoid a dress code infraction. All is well until you get below the ankles.

6. Daydreaming about the ranch.

7. But first, this walk.

8. The longest 1st inning ever.

9. But at least the night is cool and comfortable, not too hot. It could be worse.

10. Reliving high school with this TI-84.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty

1. I should probably slow my pace.

2. There’s something strange about smelling the scent of jasmine in the air when there’s no sun.

3. I should never take the kind of call in the car again.

4. TomaRashi.

5. Can you imagine? They all think we had a part in this.

6. “…imagined, felt, or implied…”

7. I can’t keep my eyes open. I’ll take it as a sign.

8. It wouldn’t be the worst thing.

9. Craving something that doesn’t exist.

10. Smug.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. I said I wasn’t going to walk this morning, but I can’t not.

2. Where is the moon?

3. Another round of applause for the tulips and a bright morning sky.

4. I think I need to buy an actual calculator.

5. It’s not my news to tell.

6. My jaw is literally on the ground.

7. I already knew this, but caffeine makes me punchy.

8. Too hot. I think about ordering a personal fan because I can’t do summer feeling like this.

9. Avoiding.

10. No ice.

Ten.Two Thousand, Six Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. No need for handwarmers this week. 62 degrees!

2. Voice notes to myself in the dark.

3. Wet tulips glistening in the morning sun.

4. I get to decide what kind of day this will be. Maybe.

5. Solo staycation booked.

6. I can’t wait for tomorrow at the office. The gang will be together again.

7. He’s still sitting at the table, and that means that maybe he’s listening.

8. I wonder if they really think that this will be the thing that helps fix it. It’s not. It won’t be. It never is.

9. He asks me how much coffee I’ve had.

10. First day of classes.