Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-Two
Earlier and earlier each day.
I think of his comments about the wild animals, but push them out of my mind. I know this route. I’ll be just fine.
Quick texts to let them know you haven’t forgotten about them.
All will be well enough.
I take my phone meeting outside for my walk and manage to get in my mile while the breeze runs through my hair.
Dusty picnic table.
A little bit of Krug.
Hitting send on the final assignment for spring and then realizing you have only two weeks before your next class begins.
The timing is just not going to work.
When the dreams persist, you just trust that they’ll manifest when you’re ready.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy-One
Wind.
Bits of trees scattered across the pavement and the trail. The sound of the redwoods blowing in the gusts.
118 beats per minute. I’m just drinking water.
Just one paper to go.
She says that she wants to travel over the summer, but she’s afraid they won’t let her back in.
I need more time; there is never enough time.
All of this feels right.
The last of the meetings.
I ought to meditate again.
“Starve doubt.”
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventy
Stretching into the morning light.
Change of plans. Could he? Maybe. But best if I just come along.
Always something.
I overhear him say that the weather today is exactly what he always imagined California to feel like.
One ofthe scouts ask me if I’m getting my work done. “I’m trying.” But I keep having to cross from one side of the field to the other.
This is where we’ll see if it clicks.
Everytime I tell this story, I get the same response which means I am not the one being unreasonable here. Though it feels like the next steps take me into unreasonable territory.
One paper to go.
I really should not have had that coffee.
This is why you shouldn’t look at your phone right before bed.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Nine
Begin sooner.
Slower pace today, but every step counts.
I forget that I still have my mouth guard in when I part my lips to say “good morning.”
I really want a coffee. A regular one. I settle on a decaf Americano. She gets up from the table to ask me how the team is doing and how she’s sad he will be going to a school that is so much farther away.
He said Gott’s is like a park, so that is where we go.
Home.
One of those games where it just feels hot. And on these lower seats, the speakers feel like they are right above your head, which makes all the walk-up songs ring in your ears.
Boo crew.
Two short papers to go.
Turn off the alarm.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Eight
From the top of the hill I see nothing but silhouettes of trees stacked in
No idea what this plant is, but the bloom is awfully pretty.
Please, sun. Come out today.
Instead of listening to a book on my walk break, I read a document so I’m prepared for the next meeting. But it is only four pages long, which gives me almost four minutes to walk and think of nothing but the sun.
The longer it goes on, the less I like it.
One quiz, one test, and two short papers to go.
These leftover roses from prom keep on giving.
She may look like me and sound like me, but she’s definitely funnier than me.
In this way, he and I are the same: having difficulties saying what it is that we want.
“You become whatever you’re striving for. Your goal shapes your process. Your goal also shapes your personal development and evolution.” — 10x Is Easier Than 2x
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Seven
Another misty morning.
Reverse the route.
Walking without contacts means that every squirrel on the road looks like a large rock.
I stop and get decaf because I know there is never any at these kinds of meetings.
All my notes are about basketball.
Food truck day.
Why does it have to be so hard?
But, it’s a front, right?
Win number 2!
“I can. I will. I am.”
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Six
The fog is touching the ground.
I hear the front door creak open as I grab my leggings and socks. I remember that today is Breakfast Club. I’m glad he can drive himself.
This morning, I hear the birds.
“Think about it: What's the worst thing that can happen to you if you just totally go for it?”
I stop and take pictures of the roses climbing over the fence.
Twenty minutes in the sun changes everything.
Forgiving, but not forgetting.
Will we be here in three years? Me here, and him there, the words repeating.
Do we not have any dreams?
He doesn’t look so little anymore.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Five
Getting out before the first light.
Shorter split time; it’s getting easier and easier.
So glad I put those braids back in.
The way the morning sun hits the tall dewy grasses and the moss on the builders. All I can hear is my breathing, not even any bird chatter.
When the meeting gets moved again, and you’re thoroughly relieved.
Showing restraint by not eating during this meeting.
Poppies and green canopies and potholes and trucks and a gentle breeze.
These little kids are the best part of my Monday.
“We’ve lived in California for almost seven years now. I’m not a bandwagon fan, right? I can be a Warriors fan now.”
Frog song.
Ten. Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Five
Clean windows on a rainy morning.
Deep breaths.
I am quiet during the first part of the game, but it’s hard to stay quiet.
After the three-point loss, she reminds the team to stay positive and think of all they accomplished over the weekend. That’s the right attitude.
I walk back to the car and think about this transition. About how yes, I feel quite certain it must happen. And yes, I’d like for it to be sooner than later. But I’ll slowly add in more and more where I can.
I didn’t even know we had a boba place in town.
Reflection.
It takes me only about 90 minutes to finish them. No perfect, but good enough to give me back my mornings.
Cyclic insomnia.
Or maybe it’s that she accidentally gave me regular coffee instead of decaf.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Four
This morning, I feel mist on my face.
The upward climb.
Sobering conversations.
Why do the squirrels look so big these days? I keep thinking I’m seeing small cats out of the corner of my eye.
Building resilience?
She says I need to create space.
Chicken tikka masala.
Car full of girls. Unexpected slow jams on the playlist.
Something is not right, and I know I’ll never get the full truth.
The anger expressed outwardly is representative of all that lies within.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Three
Foggy morning on the knoll. I choose a long walk instead of the weights and head out into the pre-dawn light.
First one in. Lights off. Decaf made.
I could care more.
This is the kind of level-setting we need in all meetings.
Salad and kombucha and notes on paper.
Maybe it’s the glasses.
What happened to the sun?
The day went by so fast and I don’t think I’ve gotten anything done.
Halibut risotto. Lingua Franca Chardonnay. Decaf Americano and apple-berry crisp.
Just close your eyes.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-Two
So cold this morning.
But this workout is making me sweat.
I find the black jeans in her drawer and bring them upstairs to iron for myself.
Today is the fashion show.
Not our circus, not our monkeys. We just come to the tent.
Sushi roll in the parking lot with the windows up while buy a plane ticket.
These days really are my favorite days. And if you can remember that you will have days like this, then you can make it through.
Flowers blowing in the breeze.
I tell them that I love seeing these other sides of the kids…to see another expression of who they are is just the coolest.
Learner. Deliberative. Achiever. Intellection. Individualization.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-One
Another cool, foggy morning. I hear him walk out the front door into the dark as I unroll the mat.
That limp.
Oh, yeah. I can always go for a walk.
Today’s Post-it notes:
“Fall in love with the impact.”
“Better is always the goal.”
“Ten-year visions.”
“What do I daydream about more than anything else?”
Bright poppies. I want to pull them up from the ground and stick them in a paper cup on my desk.
This feels like a trap.
All of a sudden I start to see the bathroom stall door open. Twice in two days. What is wrong with me?
Ouch.
Their advice is the same: Keep it to yourself.
I notice how I feel when I start thinking about the future of this thing. Follow the thread.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty
Thick fog. Soft chatter from the birds.
As soon as I start to sweat, I think about how much time it’s going to take me to do my hair.
Ugh.
I take my lunch and eat it outside while furiously dragging and dropping, but the sun is out and there’s a gentle breeze. Thank goodness for this dirty old picnic bench.
I do a little bit of box breathing before the meeting. This should be a regular practice.
We talk about the importance of giving children opportunities to surprise themselves.
New uni’s….
A little bit of giggling, a little bit of sweating, some high-fives.
This is the “why.”
Module 6: Leadership and Team Dynamics.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Nine
Time to wake up.
So cold for yoga this morning. Should have started that fire.
He says no to the stuffed animals, but I manage to find a few tiny chocolate bunnies.
Begin the focaccia. Begin the mac and cheese. Make an apple crisp.
Hammock and sun. Already wishing for one more day.
Better, but also not.
What would happen if I just ignored this?
Two helpings.
“Who do you want to be known as?”
Eventually, it will all make sense.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Eight
Headaches.
Thick fog touching the treetops.
I forgot to take the quiz.
So cold by the window. Headphones on. Cup after cup of hot tea.
He says something about going to Costco. I groan a little.
Two for two today. Everyone is making free throws, and that makes all the difference.
He stops us and asks us where our team is from. Saint Helena, we say. He searches his mind a bit and then nods his head.
When we get out into these suburbs, the first thing he looks for is a Popeye’s.
There is no one at Costco at 5 pm on a Saturday. Strawberry-Banana smoothie. Arms loaded with plums, carrots, grapes, green beans, and cinnamon rolls.
I don’t even know if we have any eggs or baskets.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Seven
Rest.
I emerge from the shower much, much later than usual. A warm glow in the living room. Quiet.
“You’re not stuck; you’re misaligned.”
I check off the boxes. I feel like a lily in the ocean. These waters are unfamiliar and unwelcome. Where are my still waters?
Speed cleaning before it’s time to leave for her softball game.
A woman who cuts her hair is a woman who is about to change her life. Or who is experiencing hormonal and stress-related thinning?
Perfect weather for sitting in the stands; moderate temperature, a clear and sunny sky, and a light breeze.
I see him warming up in the bullpen on my way back from the bathroom. He only needs three outs.
Headaches.
Wonton soup before bed.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Six
Orienting toward the window.
“Better is always the goal.”
“Think about the impact.”
And to think I almost wore my white blazer.
I am always eating in meetings. But the meetings are always when I should be eating.
I tell her that I should have gone for a walk, meditated for a minute before this meeting.
“Tuberculosis is crazy.”
She says that now, after 3.5 months, she understands why I use a pencil.
Maybe this part of the trail is not a smart idea on leg day.
Tomato soup and grilled cheese. Never really disappoints.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Five
Rest day. Headache day.
Cold enough for a fire.
The big one takes the two of them to school, so the littlest one drags a chair over and eats his croissant in front of the fireplace with me.
Even with the gray skies, so much light.
Teenagers are funny.
Insalata di pollo. But somebody could have chopped the walnuts.
So many words.
Just the two of us for dinner. I tell her that it’s just important to have a goal, any goal. It doesn’t have to be fixed in concrete. But if you don’t try to go somewhere, you’ll end up nowhere.
Nothing has changed.
Ghost Adventures.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Four
No sun.
Another lump.
Something tells me I should just stay home, but I go anyway.
She’s left half the lights off. Just three of us in the quiet. I make a few more cups of decaf for myself and watch my computer update and restart for thirty minutes. I should have just stayed home.
Sun breaking through, but the sky is still white with clouds.
He gives me a giant pill box for five days of antibiotics. I let out a laugh. I hear a giggle from behind his mask.
Clean windows.
Back to shivering in the stands. Hopefully, this is the last time.
She says that he says this makes him feel more confident.
“Your freedom is in your dream.”