Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Feels like rain.

2. Out of coffee. Can I handle it? I’d rather move slowly this morning.

3. I throw my clogs and another sweater into the backseat for after the walk. There is a welcomed chill in the air.

4. An hour-long download of all the things while we drink our coffees and walk through town. “Something must be in the air,” I say.

5. Brain is shutting down.

6. I eat and eat until I can’t anymore. It is still cool in the shade. Passersby are familiar faces. I get one phone call and then another. It will not end. But we knew that. I knew that. It’s a slow burn.

7. Body shutting down.

8. I ask him if he minds waiting with me in town until the order is ready. He’s fine with it. We talk about school and sports and how his friends don’t like Kanye. “Old Kanye is the best Kanye,” I say. We talk about the documentary and how what I respect about him most is his dedication to his art. “Like Tom Brady. Don’t like the man, but respect his dedication to his craft.” He nods in agreement.

9. I eat two garlic rolls instead of pizza and get back to vacuuming.

10. A splash of Olivia Brion Taquine, in bed, reading On Vegetables by Jeremy Fox.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Crows.

2. I welcome the slight chill in the air. A little bit of respite after the mini heatwave.

3. I run back out to grab coffee and treats for the team meeting. I like having our meetings here. It feels like a safer space for problem-solving.

4. Fear is behind the hesitation. How do we remove the fear? Who is willing to provide the support? I realize no one has soothed the worry by offering to help. Note to self.

5. A missed call. A text to call when I have a chance. It keeps buzzing. Something is up.

6. Really, all of this is an experiment.

7. Eighty-four messages.

8. I unlock the gym and turn on the lights. My water bottle is not here. Where could it be? I must have left it at a stadium, somewhere out of town where no one knows who I am.

9. Fifth Grade Parent Night in the middle school library. I sit at a table with a group of mothers from little league. She says something about dropping a diva cup and it looking like a murder scene in the bathroom. We burst out laughing. I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in months.

10. Two of my favorite people in the valley. I tell them that I’m worried about remembering how to connect the hoses. They remind me that there are always punch downs. I can definitely still do punch downs. And clean a tank.

11. I tell him that I realize that the other gift in this whole coaching thing is just being another trustworthy adult in a child’s life.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Hot.

2. There is too much light coming through the slats. I somehow turned off the 4:45 alarm. It is almost 6.

3. The slam of the garbage truck emptying the cans. Forgot to dump the green waste.

4. Just getting it out of my head and onto paper is the process. There is no controlling how something is read. Everything is passing through a filter.

5. Contradictions.

6. Bubbles to celebrate. Fresh waffle chips with labneh and salmon roe. Crudites. Burger and fries. The rooms are nice and well-appointed. I’d prefer a rug here or there for added softness. But beautiful, nonetheless.

7. I try to skip over the Instagram stories and posts but there is no escaping it. And isn’t it wild how we are all supposed to go on with life and work as if nothing is happening, as if because it wasn’t our child or our town, then we should be able to proceed with life as though everything is normal? And then we wonder why we are so stressed and sick.

8. Where are the places we all go to process collective trauma?

9. Of course, I have taken all of the hats out of the car and today is the day I absolutely need a hat. He is standing behind two tall girls. Thank goodness he wore the red hat; at least I can find that.

10. I tell her that it’s so hard to believe that I am done with elementary school. I tell her how last week I realized that I had both a 5th and 8th grade promotion. How I find myself being the sentimental parent I never thought I would be.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Bright golden light. The sound of the coffee percolating. Sweet bird song.

2. Tuesday. I shift plans so that I can be in attendance.

3. Selfishly, I’d love to have met them, but it is not right for the business.

4. I use their name and speak excitedly because I know they know about the show. They ignore me. It takes me a few more attempts to realize that a grown adult is giving me the silent treatment, all because I challenged a thought.

5. But it’s not that I challenged this one thought. It’s because I challenge them consistently. Always respectfully, but I challenge nonetheless. I remind myself that no one likes to hear no. I remind myself that this is more about them and not me. I remind myself that dynamics are challenging because of the complexity of human experience. I remind myself that I don’t have to erode my own boundaries for the comfort of others.

6. Productive.

7. Is this real? Another one? Another one? Where are we truly safe?

8. This man has no clue. He has a viewpoint but no clue. No empathy. These words are cloaked in racism and the fact that he’s been tutoring Hispanic youth is not evidence that he lacks bias. In fact, his questioning around equity shows that he has no concept of bias. But he truly believes he is right. I tell her that his ignorance does not make him a bad person, but his unwillingness to question his thinking is the problem.

9. At the end, a mother I do not know says she is happy to hear about the new policies being developed. Because her daughter is starting to feel like she doesn’t belong and that means she was considering leaving town. But knowing that the community is working on something like this makes her feel better. This one family, this one child - this is why we’ve been working so hard.

10. A loss under the hot evening sun.

11. Lady Saints win! 2-1 in the bottom of the 7th.

12. I tell him that the earlier events of the day irritated me, but that I realized that it doesn’t matter. In the grand scheme of things, my work doesn’t matter. What matters is the impact I have on the young ladies I coach. What matters is the impact I have on my community when I realize that the work I’m doing with other parents provides a sense of safety and belonging for another child. That matters. That’s all that matters.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Warm.

2. A flash of sharp pain above the left eye.

3. It’s not a conversation I want to have, but it is necessary. The look on their face makes my heart hurt and yet I know I’m doing the right thing. But I’m still a little nauseous.

4. But will anyone use it?

5. She asks me if I’m still using the nightguard. I tell her no. I left that job and once I left that job I was able to actually open my mouth. “That’s great. But you’re still grinding and clenching so hard you’re loosening the ligaments that hold your teeth.” Great.

6. But at least we tried.

7. But did they forget?

8. Remember that most people are not trying to purposefully do harm.

9. Phone buzz. Fire on Pope Street. Two acres. Five acres. We leave to pick them up from the middle school. A grayish cloud of smoke rising from the hill. Three engines drive past us. It’s not that windy. I am not worried but I am reminded to get the go-bags ready.

10. I remind him that you get what you give.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventy

1. I think we should be getting up soon.

2. I let myself move slowly. I am not yet finished braiding my hair before she arrives.

3. Everything is so tight. I blame playing 3-on-2 with the girls last week.

4. I suppose it could be interpreted as being argumentative. I think I am just trying to remind them to think holistically. It is as much what is being done as what isn’t.

5. I recognize some of them, but do not know them.

6. I tell him it’s the yoga playlist.

7. So this is it.

8. Gratitude.

9. There is no easy way to do this. But isn’t it better to be honest and cut your losses instead of staying in denial out of fear?

10. I could have stayed all day. Summer is coming. It’s right on the tip of the tongue.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. We really do need to get up.

2. I sit in the back seat with the youngest. The big kid always complains that his legs are too long to sit in the back. At six feet tall, he makes a good argument.

3. FM by Steely Dan. A wave of nostalgia washes over as I stare out at the vineyards and hazy blue sky. I can’t find my scarf so I use the sleeve of my sweater to dab at the tears.

4. This is the worst spinach and feta croissant I’ve ever had in my life, but I should have expected it.

5. Loss.

6. Azteca at the park, watching another baseball game. Kids we do and do not know. Parents we do and do not know. Cheering for the home team.

7. I think of how often she mentions how this town is classic Americana. And maybe it is, for a handful of us. Maybe the majority of us. It is what we felt during our visits here. Yes, it is wine country. Yes, we continue to be outpriced and discouraged by the multi-millionaires and billionaires who take up space here because, ultimately, it feeds their ego and their pockets and their desire to consume. But there are some like us who move here because we wanted something quieter and smaller. Because we saw an opportunity to feel like a part of a community. Because we wanted to spend our Saturdays sitting in the park eating chips and salsa and cheering on the home team.

8. Red Thread Wines. A perfect pocket of quiet on Howell Mountain. Heritage Eats Food Truck. A glass of sauvignon blanc. Familiar faces. She says something about how hard it is to make friends when you are an introvert, but that a lot of it is putting yourself out there, especially in a small town like this where everyone knows everybody.

9. Maybe it’s time to bring back soup night?

10. Final score: 2-0. Their first-ever playoff win.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Rooftop friends are very busy this morning.

2. The cool morning air, the chatter of the birds, the sound of the wind blowing through the trees.

3. But this sound is equal parts soothing ad anxiety-inducing.

4. The line is too long so I walk across the parking lot and get bag of beans from the market instead.

5. I am sighing a lot.

6. It's not just that, but everything. All of it stacked stacked together. No breathing room.

7. More importantly, what do I need?

8. Too much coffee.

9. Wine and Warriors.

10. I leave first but it is already way past my bedtime.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. No power.

2. The mind goes to the worst-case scenario. I open the front door to see if I can hear the neighbor’s generator. I think it’s the right sound. I check the PG&E website. It is just us on the hillside, Angwin, Pope Valley. I mark the day: Thursday, May 19th.

3. I get back in bed and wait impatiently for just a little more daylight.

4. Donuts for breakfast because I don’t want them opening the refrigerator.

5. For a brief moment, I feel frustrated and alone but then I remember that I can trust myself. Just think it through and make the best decision. Will anyone die? Probably not.

6. I tell him that I think it’s unfair to blame the parents who work all day and are too tired to voice their concerns or give their time. That is when it is the responsibility of the ones who can to step up and do the work of supporting the ones who can’t. That’s community. You don’t get to ignore issues because they don’t personally affect you - because, by the way, they eventually do.

7. I try to print my notes, but I am out of paper.

8. I am speaking so fast. Why am I so nervous? I can barely catch my breath. It’s the culmination of everything that has happened today.

9. Four hours later, we walk out. I think to myself about how this is all about stamina.

10. This is the nature of things: the heart of the goal is always the same, but the process of achieving that goal can be different. And it’s those differences in thinking that create the tension that is required to generate a better solution. But it’s not easy to sit through.

11. I tell him that I am exhausted. That it started with waking up with no power. Then taking the kids to school. Then going to the morning meeting; followed by the team meeting; followed by managing the reporter and cameraman; followed by the local newspaper reporter; followed by the communications meeting; followed by rushing to write out my comments for the school board meeting; followed by sitting in the school board meeting for so long because I felt it was important to be there until the new superintendent was confirmed. And I mean, when you’ve already sat through 25 agenda items, why not stay for the last three? “Have you eaten?” “No.”

12. I bring the last corner of the lasagna and a small class of chianti up to bed, and think about tomorrow’s to-do list.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. You can already feel the impending warmth, even this early in the morning.

2. Everyone looks so nice this morning. Almost fancy. Almost better than usual for work.

3. I listen and take notes. How do I use this information for myself, for understanding my relationships here? I wish we had taken the test for more context.

4. We give one another a hug before I depart. I wish I could stay and listen and learn. It's been a full morning of thinking and processing. In another life I would have been an academic.

5. So hot.

6. Emails before open gym.

7. Still a no-show. I have given up on this.

8. They try to rally but the girls’ last game ends in a loss. You can feel the weight disappointment.

9. We catch the last few innings of the high school play-off game. The hard thwack of the baseball. Watching it soar over the fence. The joyful eruption from the visiting team. Another loss.

10. I accept the ending of things.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Not ready.

2. Funny how you can leave at the same time every day and arrive at your destination at different times.

3. I spring for the cinnamon roll and a cup of coffee.

4. We are indeed all on the same page and that is reassuring.

5. Are we asking the right question?

6. I have to leave the room for this call because there are too many people but I don’t want to go down to the office and be even more late, so I sit in the car. But I feel guilty for idling so I turn the car off. But it’s hot. But the wood chipper is so loud so I keep the windows up. I am sweating. I have created, on purpose but by accident, a hotbox.

7. Working lunch in the park.

8. Business cards.

9. The Converse make me happy.

10. Couldn’t really ask for better weather or a better view for a softball game. The two of us try to eat the melty ice cream cones as quickly as we can.

11. So much pain.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Hitting the snooze too many times.

2. Instant Ramen for breakfast.

3. The golden glow of the morning light. I close my eyes and feel the warmth wash over my skin.

4. Day 4.

5. Hot tea just really isn’t the same.

6. Breath is always feeling so shallow the days. I am shocked at how often I seem to be holding my breath.

7. “The psyches and souls of women also have their own cycles and seasons of doing and solitude, running and staying, being involved and being removed, questing and resting, creating and incubating, being of the world and returning to the soul-place.” - Women Who Run With the Wolves

8. It is just me. I remind myself that building this culture will take time.

9. I can feel myself, my whole physical self, tensing up as she nears. This reaction bothers me. But I understand that this reaction is a response to the pent-up frustration of things that are and are not related to our interactions. I just try to breathe.

10. What is most important?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. In the dream, I have a sore throat and I can’t figure out why.

2. I don’t get the milk or the orange juice and worry that I will immediately regret it when I get back home.

3. No milk. No orange juice.

4. Masala chai and lots of conversation.

5. I step over the blue bag containing the paper that I never seem to read.

6. Down the mountain, up the mountain. Down the mountain, up the mountain. Down the mountain, up the mountain.

7. A little bit of much-needed laughter.

8. There is a benefit to being able to just get the work done.

9. She reminds me of the message of The Nap Ministry.

10. A win.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Almost time.

2. It’s always in downward dog that I see all of the crumbs I missed.

3. Already hot.

4. The return of the heat is always a shock. But in a few more weeks I will be laying out on the front deck, face toward the sun.

5. I get there just in time to catch the bottom of the 8th inning. The youngest is up to bat. He swings on the first pitch and it dribbles down the third baseline and stays fair. He makes it to first base. He’s the scoring run. He just really needed that.

6. This view.

7. I tell her that earlier this morning I was thinking about where we would need to go next. But I decided I really, really like it here. There is nowhere else to go.

8. Still no groceries. Tra Vigne it is.

9. One day down.

10. But really, can I give up bread and cheese?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Finally Friday.

2. Big swaths of sunlight fill the living room. I stick the headphones in my ears and finish the edits.

3. The hours are going by too quickly.

4. Laughter and good food and too much bread and good wine.

5. By the time I finish, I realize that I was talking too fast. But she really liked it and that I could see on her face. Everyone is always surprised by this one.

6. Glad this isn’t an everyday thing for me.

7. He keeps pushing for ice cream or a milkshake. I admire his persistence even though it is incredibly frustrating.

8. Hot.

9. Lasagna and Chianti and garlic bread. The way the light continues to linger long after dinner is done.

10. I wish I had more time.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty

1. Slow to rise.

2. Bagel run in skirt and sneakers. As I check out we talk about looking forward to summer. Her youngest graduates from high school this year. She can’t wait to relax.

3. I left the gluten-free donut in the car.

4. As I prepare to leave, he asks me when was the last time I saw my primary care physician. He says my blood pressure is a little high. I look down at the paper. The numbers mean nothing to me. But I blame it on coffee and anxiety.

5. It actually feels good to work in this space today. At least there is a little bit of energy here.

6. Too fast.

7. It’s always this 3 o’clock call where I am the most self-conscious about the need to do motherly things while also working.

8. “I thought all cats land on their feet?”

9. There’s always at least one. And it will be one by one that things here change. I can deal with that.

10. A loss, but not a bad one considering.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Another frost fan morning.

2. A thin layer of fog slowly rising up from the little valley floor below. The sun will be bright today.

3. Someone really needs to go to the grocery store.

4. The sky is blue and bright and looks like it always does after it rains: clear and open, cloudless.

5. Quick meetings are the best meetings.

6. Overthinking this?

7. I tell her that parties aren’t my thing. Small intimate dinners. Six to eight people. “And we’re sitting down.” I realize that I don’t sound like much fun.

8. He says something about the pictures. I tell him its a numbers game for me - shoot as much as you can and cross your fingers that something turns out.

9. How much is too much? Is the request unreasonable? Am I doing what I can to support?

10. Down 0-3 in the top of the 7th. Three runs score in the bottom. Extra innings. No runs by the opposing team in the top of the 8th. Two runners on base. Base hit to bring the fourth run home. Saints win. Crowd wild.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. The hum of the frost machine.

2. A little later than I’d like, but still on time.

3. Sometimes the internet is good for a laugh.

4. I listen and process and wonder if I am the only one thinking about these things.

5. There is an intentionality behind the ask.

6. But what is the goal?

7. The sun is so bright that the light reflecting off of the paper is blinding. Then darkness. Then rain.

8. The thunder is so loud it makes me jump. I throw everything into the backseat of the car just in case nothing is canceled.

9. The back windshield is covered in large chunks of ice. The street is white. “It’s almost like Chicago,” I say as he enters the car. He asks me if I heard the thunder. “When was the last time you heard thunder? Years, right? Years!”

10. Still so much laundry.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Up before the alarm. Feels like a punishment.

2. Should I leave and get milk? I scour the pantry for what I can cobble together to make a breakfast. Only eggs, no bacon. Three pieces of toast, but two are the ends and no one will eat those. Six packets of instant oatmeal - sugar and spice - the kind no one likes.

3. He wakes up and asks me to go to the store.

4. Big red-tailed hawk flies up and sits on the line as I cross the bridge. I take it as a sign.

5. Insight. Power. Truth. Vision.

6. Cold, but doable. Maybe ate too much?

7. Over and over again.

8. What is my responsibility in this?

9. 2019 Olivia Brion Tempranillo. Burgers with gouda and candied bacon.

10. I should have just let them have the milkshake.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. Do I want to get out of bed? No. Yes.

2. His friend comes over to the table to chat. “You might want to take that ear pod out and socialize,” he says to the oldest before walking away.

3. First time I didn’t finish a Belgian waffle.

4. She brings me a card and chocolates, too.

5. Three cards: Black Panter, Prairie Dog (contrary), Bear. Embrace the unknown. Retreat. Introspection.

6. It’s raining?

7. I sit down in the spa reception and it starts to fill with women. Oh yeah, it’s Mother’s Day. The aesthetician asks me if this was my gift. I laugh. “I actually booked this not even realizing it was Mother’s Day. It was just the first appointment that worked for my schedule.”

8. Insights.

9. Sometimes, when you don’t know what to do, you go back to the old things you know.

10. They will not let go of the milshake.