Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seventeen

1. The sounds of rain on the roof.

2. “We lose the soulskin by becoming too involved with ego, by being too exacting, perfectionistic, or unnecessarily martyred, or driven by a blind ambition, or by being dissatisfied - about self, family, community, culture, world - and not saying or doing anything about it, or by pretending we are an ending source for others, or by not doing all we can to help ourselves. Oh, there are as many ways to lose the soul skin as there are women in the world. The only way to hold on to this sensual soulskin is to retain an exquisitely pristine consciousness about its value and uses.” - Women Who Run With the Wolves

3. Already time.

4. Rain and more rain and more rain and it is the most delightful sound.

5. All this talk about the slap. I tell her that in the end, the person who was was harmed. The person who was triggered by the insult was harmed. The people who had to witness the incident were harmed. And there will never be a resolution that leaves everyone whole.

6. It’s only 64 degrees in here.

7. Forgot to thaw out the meat. Out of Hello Fresh meals.

8. I say that we need someone with courage and conviction. Someone who will just make a decision and stand beside it either way.

9. He reads about Leos, Capricorns, Virgos, Libras, and Cancers. They tell me that I am, indeed, temperamental. She says that I am more loyal to my friends that family. This is because I yell at them. I try to explain that the yelling is just frustration and that the frustration is about the behavior, not them as individuals. It’s the behaviors that get me upset, not them. I love them. I dislike the behaviors. “We love you,” I say.

10. He has grown another inch. 5’11”.

11. He lets me play with his hair. He looks like he’s listening.

12. The littlest one says that he wishes that all of our dinners were like this…where we are all talking at dinner and laughing. I am not surprised that he is the one saying this.

13. Maybe it could work.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixteen

1. Forgot about the alarm.

2. He gets bagels.

3. The gym is warmer than usual. I sit and write the emails and wait for her call.

4. We will try again.

5. First, we play HORSE. Then he asks me to play one-on-one. I think he’s getting taller.

6. It was the fence in front of the house that really got me. Made out of wine barrel staves, a small see-through box with dusty plastic grapes. The popcorn ceiling is sparkling.

7. Rain clouds.

8. At least I got it all folded.

9. He’s standing behind him while he makes his taco. He looks at me and then looks at him, looks at me again. “I think he’s got you now,” I say. “I thought he felt taller.”

10. But is it worth getting out bed for?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fifteen

1. Slept in.

2. More awake today. I keep my eyes open as we move through poses.

3. If nothing else, always gratitude.

4. I tell him that the best thing about today is that it will actually feel like a Saturday.

5. While they order the food, I stop and say hello to him and tell him that we were just playing baseball in Calistoga and he tells me that it’s such a shame that with all the wealth here that the white folks send their kids to private schools.

6. Brisket and baked beans and a Sierra Nevada and laughter.

7. Maybe we shouldn’t move?

8. The walk is a little longer than I expected but still pleasant. The weather is perfect.

9. Gratitude.

10. A good, good day.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Fourteen

1. The chirp of the birds.

2. Can I lay here just a little longer?

3. After every meeting, I always have a head-scratching moment. But at least there are more witnesses.

4. We both talk about the problem with being in a small town is that some people are afraid of being too vocal because of how it may affect their businesses. But we both agree that we’d rather die knowing we stood up for what is right. We place our faith in something higher.

5. Clean.

6. This Valley Greens is always so hard to get down.

7. I scurry across the deck in my dress and bare feet and I am reminded that summer is almost here and how much I will really miss this house when it is time for us to leave it.

8. Tra Vigne on Friday night’s seems to be the new trend.

9. One day he will be on this field. I hope he keeps it up.

10. I keep buying ice cream and never eating it.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Thirteen

1. In the dream, a sigh of relief.

2. The birds are always the loudest this time of the morning.

3. Tumeric tea but I decide at the last minute to take a cup of coffee to go.

4. Too many people needing to be in too many places at too many different times.

5. Always on a call.

6. I had just written in the pages to not be so desperate, and yet, here I am again yearning.

7. Someone forgot to tell us that this call was cancelled.

8. Gratitude for working a/c in a car full of children.

9. I tell him, “yes, it’s cold, but we’re only cold because we live on the west coast and we are so close to the ocean, and, really, isn’t amazing that we live here?”

10. We find a pizza place and order a large pepperoni and an order of cheesy pesto breadsticks. I am slightly annoyed that he is making this all from scratch. It’s already 8:15pm.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Twelve

1. A little cooler.

2. Baked potatoes and caramelized onions. No coffee. Day two of no coffee.

3. Most times, no one wants input. They just want to be heard.

4. He promises to get the work done and I believe him.

5. I sit on the bridge for six minutes and then realize that they must be working on guardrails on this end of the trail too. So I relax and tell myself that no one will die if I’m not on the Zoom call.

6. Progress.

7. But really, this is why we live here. There is no other place like it.

8. I can’t find the right temperature. Too hot in the sun, too cold in the house. I drag my laptop and water to a different part of the porch for the perfect amount of shade. A little black blizzard scurries out of my way.

9. The only day with no practices and no games.

10. No patience.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eleven

1. A little warm.

2. Uh-oh. Out of milk. More of a problem for them than it is for me.

3. Rotting onions.

4. I step outside to take them to school and feel a warm breeze against my cheek. Too warm for 8 in the morning in March.

5. Oh boy.

6. When you feel like you’re making the right kind of progress.

7. Happiness tonic.

8. Wow. It’s really hot. It’s too hot. I am sweating. Thank goodness the car goes in tomorrow. I thought we could make it a few more months.

9. The heat is making me cranky.

10. We stand outside watch the scrub jay fly up to its nest.

Ten. One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Ten

1. Wasn’t it just yesterday?

2. I can’t shake the chill. MUD\WTR with oat milk instead of coffee.

3. Morning light peeking through the trees. I’m still the only one awake.

4. She told me that I know what I need to do in order to manifest the next thing. I tell her that I’m trying to relax about it; I have to move away from the feeling of desperation.

5. I order the juices. I don’t know why I waited.

6. We run through the day. Only one has practice. The other two come home before I leave again for the subcommittee meeting. Leftover lasagna for dinner. Easy.

7. It should be so simple, but it isn’t. Why isn’t it?

8. Still, there is progress.

9. There are still more of us than I thought there would be. And there are new faces on the screen. And that means that this is still moving forward.

10. What is done is done.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Nine

1. Way more rested.

2. Today is the day the car gets washed.

3. The hashbrown pattie is greasy. Very crunchy and greasy. The coffee is thin and hot.

4. I find a spot in the sun and close my eyes.

5. A real lunch.

6. All the meatloaves are gone.

7. I really want to buy this box of peanut butter cap’n crunch.

8. I stick the lasagna in the oven and run back upstairs to get her to practice so that she isn’t late.

9. I forget how hot it gets in the sun.

10. Broken record.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Eight

1. Still dark.

2. I hear a light tapping on the door. Oh, no. Got the time wrong. She sends us back to bed.

3. Gilwood’s for the first time. Strawberry waffle with whipped cream and strawberries, orange juice, coffee.

4. Back to bed.

5. Where is the rain? They said there would be rain.

6. Sometimes he comes up to me and talks to me and I can’t believe what I’m looking at.

7. Sometimes writing thirty words is harder than writing three hundred.

8. Oh boy, it’s going to be quite cold.

9. I do love that he’s up for an adventure. We find a parking spot and then get sandwiches before buying milkshakes and pie. I’m letting him eat dessert first.

10. Could have gone differently.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Seven

1. I keep pressing my fingers on the keys, watching the letters appear on the screen as the minutes creep by.

2. I start to fall while walking to the bathroom and stick out my arm to catch myself. I need to sleep.

3. I go back upstairs at my normal wake-up time and get dressed before sitting back down again.

4. He tells me I need to sleep.

5. They text me to say that everything went well and that the journalists were so happy and checkout was smooth. I can relax a little bit now before the next one.

6. I realize that I sound irritated I’m just tired and still maybe sick and my patience is thin.

7. I sit out in the sun and work. The sound of chainsaws and falling trees keeping me awake.

8. I tell them Tra Vigne for dinner - again. No one is upset about it.

9. 2019 Pax Syrah - Armagh.

10. Dead.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Six

1. Is it really going to get done today?

2. There is only one sock. Where is the other sock?

3. I am late for the meeting because I was in another meeting and I can’t help but laugh.

4. I tell that I’m glad it sounds like I know what I’m talking about because I’m not entirely sure. I tell her that the trick is to just speak with conviction as men do. They don’t ever worry if they are not right.

5. She lets me vent. And I am grateful for that.

6. I get myself a kids pb and j and sit outside at the park in the sun.

7. Another Zoom from the car, balancing one phone in a cupholder and trying to get directions to the softball field with the other phone.

8. I forgot about the air conditioning.

9. I tell her that I just don’t feel like myself. How I haven’t made the bed in weeks. How the hallways are lined with piles of clothes. She tells me that I am the fourth woman who’s said something like this and she is also feeling like this and we decide that it’s no coincidence.

10. I settle in for the long night.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Five

1. So cold

2. No pants. Oh boy.

3. I open up the computer and try to find the words. I am scared that they will never come.

4. The undercurrent of anxiety.

5. I will be glad when I don’t have to cross this bridge ten times a day.

6. I walk out of the bathroom and say to her, “you know those kinds of mornings where you can’t remember if you’ve put on deodorant? It’s that kind of start to the day.”

7. I look out over the tennis courts glowing from the light slipping through the trees.

8. I really need to write.

9. She calls to tell me that she’s done. I tell her that I am too. Can we cut bait and just get straight to it?

10. My feet are freezing. I had forgotten this about the early part of the season when the sun is still setting before 7pm and the air can’t hold the warmth from the day.

11. He asks me about all of the things I need - the top three things that I need. I can’t settle on three. I need the six, seven, ten things.

12. After tomorrow, will it really be better?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Four

1. 4:24am. Through the open window floats in the sound of the frogs and the rain. The rain. The rain.

2. Now, I am late on two deadlines.

3. What is the lesson in all of this?

4. It always feels like there is something else I need to be doing that is not the thing I am currently doing.

5. Dua Lipa over the rustling of the tissue paper.

6. I shouldn’t have indulged in this conversation but here we are.

7. Four hours of sleep is no good. No good at all.

8. He tells me that I forgot his jersey. That when I’m in a rush, I make a mistake. That his jersey wasn’t even in the drier yet.

9. What is it about this moment? I am realizing that it’s fleeting. That there are only so many more of these.

10. “I’m mossy. My brain is mossy.”

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Three

1. Not ready yet.

2. Dark skies.

3. Thank goodness for cereal. But I miss my juices and bone broth.

4. I think these are blue lupine? The picture isn’t turning out the way I want it to, but that’s okay. Sometimes it’s just worth it to try.

5. That felt too easy.

6. Of course, there’s always so much more to learn.

7. Of all the things I’ve had to navigate these last few weeks, how am I scared of reading an email?

8. Eight people times four gifts equal thirty-two handwritten notecards. Well, forty-two if you count the ones with mistakes.

9. The thing about this personality type is that they lose track of their own lies.

10. Who else can I talk to about this?

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & Two

1. 4:45. Not today.

2. Wait. Where did the time go?

3. The crackling of the fire as she guides us through movement.

4. Refereeing a game is so much more different from coaching which is different from playing.

5. Everyone just wanted to beat #3.

6. What is the best use of this hour?

7. I had forgotten how hot it gets in the sun when you’re sitting on the bleachers.

8. I missed these games.

9. He says that I should vent so that my eyes don’t bulge out of my head when I sneeze.

10. Wanting something.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred & One

1. I guess I shouldn’t have let myself sleep in after all.

2. Where are everyone’s clothes?

3. She walks through the hallway with her two long braids and her visor and her pants and she looks so much older than this same time last year.

4. For a brief moment, I wonder if this is going to be worth all of the trouble. And then I remind myself that there is nothing worse than knowing what the right thing to do is and yet choosing not to do it.

5. It is the fear of losing belonging.

6. The thing about this time of year is that yes, so much of our time is now taken up with trips to and from baseball fields, shelling out dollar bills for snack shacks, and sitting in bleachers. But look at this sky and all this sunshine. There are worse ways to spend these hours in a life.

7. These articles are never going to get written.

8. I look at my watch. It is almost 4pm.

9. We load up YouTube on the big tv and watch the last few minutes of the meeting while we finish our glass of wine. Things may be more in our favor than we realized.

10. I know this feeling.

Ten.One Thousand, Seven Hundred

1. Still.

2. Not wanting to get up.

3. Thank goodness for box mixes.

4. Missing aloe juice and green juice.

5. I see faces that I wasn’t expecting and that is both a good thing and bad thing.

6. She never can just answer straight.

7. Drained.

8. Gotta hit the gym more often.

9. He tells me that I don’t have the bandwidth for this but that I’m good at it and sometimes this is just what I have to do for now.

10. Doing the right thing.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. I hear a creak and then footsteps. I follow the footsteps down the stairs, in the dark, and find him aglow from the pantry light.

2. Owl.

3. Not better. Maybe slightly worse.

4. I laugh to myself as I watch him squint in the sun. I had forgotten how bright and direct the sun is during this time of year.

5. I think he has figured out how to make himself throw up.

6. I am here but not really hearing anything that is being said.

7. Lunch break is realizing that I need to pick him up from school because I didn’t provide a negative COVID test.

8. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.

9. I keep my eye on the clock.

10. The last person speaks and then there is a mass exodus. I wish I could have seen their faces.

11. We are still standing in the parking lot and talking. I start to see the twinkle of the stars.

12. A marathon, not a sprint. I hope we have the endurance.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. Up.

2. Sore throat. I tell myself it's just stress. The juice cleanse and stress.

3. Of course, today the garbage man has taken his time and rolls through after 7am.

4. The oldest says he threw up. Now there are two home from school today.

5. There will always be something to do.

6. Can I just get through the next 6 days?

7. Throbbing throat.

8. I make it to the gym for their last scrimmage. These ladies look good. Two more years until they get to high school.

9. Shower at 7:30. In bed by 8:30. I've got to get some sleep.

10. I think he's talking to me.