Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. I wake in a panic.

2. Floorboard heater blowing against my toes and ankles.

3. I remember that I used the last coffee filter yesterday. I find two thin napkins, layer them, and fold them into the basket. This should work.

4. But shouldn’t I not drink the coffee?

5. Try to slow it down.

6. I meet her outside of the garden. We walk to the office and get a cup of tea, find a spot in the sunshine outside to sit and talk. I get her. She gets me. I wish we had more time.

7. My brain feels like it’s melting.

8. Where do we go from here?

9. I head straight to the shower because it’s been that kind of day.

10. It goes well.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. Colder than yesterday.

2. Where are my clothes? What made me decide to put them on the mantel?

3. Do I really need to make something for breakfast?

4. Shifting schedules. This is the season for tetris-ing schedules.

5. Coffee and cupcakes.

6. She calls me to say that she’s at the wrong field; I rip through one circle and back to the parking lot to get her and take her back to the other field.

7. Okay. So, actually, these kids are much harder than the older ones.

8. Gott’s it is.

9. I feel like I’m being ignored and I’m not sure why.

10. That was not at all what I was expecting.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Valentine’s Day.

2. I check the store hours to see if it is too early to go in. I am fine. They open at 5am. I settle on one cookie and cake and a tray of small cupcakes. There are no more actual cards, so this will have to suffice.

3. Why am I making bacon and nothing else?

4. I had forgotten how much I need this form of expression.

5. He comes out of the room to say he doesn’t feel good and there are two tiny tears coming out of his eyes. And I know he means it because this kid never misses a party.

6. Adjust.

7. I set up camp in his room: computer plus charger, headphones, person phone, work phone, water, and a notebook.

8. Cravings.

9. “I ruined my perfect attendance for the year.”

10. “Writers must therefore constantly ask: what am I trying to say?” - On Writing Well

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Just a little longer.

2. So much noise.

3. Lost in translation.

4. Old vine Chenin Blanc, blue hair, vineyards in Pope Valley, realizing that this writing thing is something I get to do.

5. The sweetest little home. I know these mugs are from the shop in town. The conversation is easy. I am grateful.

6. Laundry and true crime.

7. Hungry but not.

8. When will I ever get a chance to read the paper?

9. I take the call outside in the sun. “75 and sunny,” I say. They always comment on my weather as if they are jealous. But this why we moved to California: I like this version of winter so much better.

10. Over-socialized.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Don’t want to get up.

2. I hear him loading logs into the fireplace. It is a good morning for a fire.

3. I accidentally fall asleep during savasana. I wake up right before she says namaste.

4. Chardonnay musque clone?

5. Might already be too hot for this thin vest.

6. I talk to him at half time, tell him that we’ve from Naperville, tell him that we live here in town in case he needs anything. “Saint Helena?” “Yes, Saint Helena.” “I like the slower pace.” “Me too.” We exchange numbers. Selfishly, I am already brainstorming ways in which I can entice him to stay here. Maybe we need someone like him, just like I need the others.

7. I realize I need to do something to ease his fear.

8. No one here but me and I’m cleaning. I should be reading.

9. Can’t stop thinking about basketball.

10. So glad the frogs are back.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. The frogs stop. 4:48am. I wonder what it is about this time.

2. Today is actually Friday.

3. I never realized that you can still see the stars at this time of the morning.

4. Can barely keep my eyes open.

5. I make a list of wishes for the upcoming season and realize that the next season is not that far away.

6. Grateful for rescheduled meetings. Sometimes you just need more time to think.

7. So hot in the sun. Was not prepared for this kind of warmth.

8. Onion rings and a vanilla shake.

9. I manage not to cry, though I am sad. There are many hugs - two and three and four times we hug. They tell us we were some of their favorite coaches and so how do you not want to come back to that?

10. One glass of Olivia Brion Vin Gris of Syrah before bed.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Too warm for a February morning.

2. I hope I won’t smell like breakfast sausage.

3. He’s the only one who still says “I love you, too,” when he gets out of the car.

4. A little gift in the morning.

5. A sigh of relief.

6. The meeting turns to lunch which was what we really needed. And now I have dinner for the bus ride back.

7. She was tardy, which means she can’t play.

8. Almost, almost.

9. It takes until the very last game when she was the very last one waiting to be picked up, that she musters up enough confidence to say more than three words to us. “I almost cried when you gave me the medal, but I didn’t.”

10. We walk back to our cars. I look up at the dark sky and marvel at the stars. It n never gets old.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventy

1. Can I stay under the covers just a little longer? No, I can’t.

2. Frogs again.

3. Sometimes you need a little bit of drama.

4. What’s most important to achieve today?

5. The mistake is in making too many assumptions. Keep asking questions. Better to be clear.

6. “How are you? It’s a lot, isn’t it? It’s better for me now, but it was a lot. How long have you been here? Oh, jeez.” I like her.

7. I get to the gym early with the medals and cupcakes. I realize that I just need to breathe.

8. We watch them jog around the field house for the last time. It’s hard to believe that this is the last practice. What am I going to do with this time now? I genuinely liked coming here every single day.

9. But isn’t change always coming?

10. The white wines could have been a little bit colder.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. There are those frogs again.

2. This works.

3. Slow to the first cup of coffee.

4. I tell him that something is going to go wrong today and I have a feeling I know exactly what it will be.

5. I tell myself to turn the page.

6. “Remember how I said I knew what was going to go wrong today? It did - exactly like I said it would.”

7. It’s not the thing but the thing beneath the thing.

8. I walk back to the car with my alkaline water and CBD-infused drink, and a large coffee, and remind myself that I need to just turn the page.

9. I think we’re going to do it. I think we’re going to do it.

10. She finds us after the game and says that she could have cried at how well they’ve played.

11. I can’t believe it’s almost over.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Not the frogs, but the birds.

2. The orange juice did not come. I find it funny how upset I am about the missing orange juice. But sometimes, it’s the little things that make a difference.

3. Bakes potatoes and caramelized onions and peppers. Chopped bacon. I need a substantial breakfast today.

4. I actually like this part of the day the most, I think.

5. Only a few more days left.

6. Temperature is rising.

7. I almost feel a little self-conscious about fitting into this extra small.

8. Sandwich and salad and chips and water. I shouldn’t have had the extra coffee.

9. He asks me about practice. “Well, you know, it was a Monday kind of practice.”

10. At least this one part is done.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Oh, right. I need to get up. She’s coming today.

2. Heavy black mug feels most right today.

3. The golf course looks like it’s covered in a thin layer of frost. The pond is as smooth as glass.

4. Choosing convenience.

5. “What exactly are you looking to get out of this experience?”

6. Just right.

7. Soup night. Quick focaccia.

8. Missed connections.

9. I talk about stranger danger and she tells me that she was indeed listening to the podcast when they talked about a person being abducted and murdered with their head and hands cut off. So. Okay. Maybe she is scared enough.

10. The frogs are so loud. The windows aren’t even open yet they are the only thing I can hear.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. I needed these extra hours.

2. I hear him starting a fire. He must have forgotten that she’s not coming today.

3. How much cleaning can I squeeze in before we need to go?

4. There is more to do than I remembered.

5. Easy meeting.

6. I decide to skip cleaning the bathrooms. I just. I just don’t feel like it. And I don’t think anyone will die.

7. I want to run out onto the floor and take over, but I know this is not my rodeo.

8. I do want to help.

9. I lay on the floor in the light. I am tired. So very tired.

10. Man. I just want to be like her when I grow up.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Game day.

2. Small sips of coffee, emails, quiet.

3. I wear my slippers in the car. The morning light is soft and the colors are muted. Friday.

4. Things are moving right along.

5. Espresso in one hand, dry eraser in the other. The list is smaller when it’s on a big board.

6. I rush through the aisles grabbing whatever I think makes the most sense. Plus a package of peanut m&ms.

7. We get the big bus today.

8. We pull up to the school and I think about the financial sacrifices my parents made and we make so that our children have access to a decent and safe environment. “We’re privileged,” I hear one of the girls say. “But it’s not fair for them to classify all of us as rich. Not all of us are rich.” Yet, when you pull up in a coach, it’s hard to not think we are.

9. None of the refs introduce themselves to me and I know that means it’s going to be a rough game.

10. I tell her that at one point I wanted to throw my water bottle across the court.

11. All of this is bizarre.

12. McDonald’s before the long ride home. Only two more games left. I am going to miss it.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. How is it only Thursday?

2. More coffee. And more coffee.

3. Really need to step up the breakfast game again.

4. Fewer meetings make me happy.

5. She warns me that the food has no flavor, but I devour it anyway because I am just that hungry.

6. I’ve got to figure out how not to sit so much.

7. I tell him that I like these stories; these stories don’t bore me. I need the context.

8. It is a spider bite. More ointment. Bigger bandaids.

9. No one is doing their chores.

10. I need to do my taxes.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Still can’t swallow. Test is negative. But who wants to be sick?

2. Maybe I still need more pants.

3. Leftover wonton soup.

4. I remember that it’s Wednesday which means there is a meeting after all.

5. One hand wrapped around a cup of coffee. The other hand grips the warm steering wheel. I stare out over the valley floor as I guide the car down the hill. I smile to myself. Mornings like these.

6. I am caught by surprise.

7. Sometimes I feel like the compliments are backhanded.

8. First club member!

9. Now we’re missing two.

10. They played so much better. Last game: 54-12. Tonight’s game: 41-21.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Not already.

2. Always so cold by the window.

3. One cup and then two cups and then three cups.

4. The minutes of the morning are slipping through my fingers.

5. “I don’t know what I don’t know,” I say. And so I take more notes and get to work.

6. I don’t say anything because I am the newest one and I know the least. I can only respond from my gut, and my gut says that they’re not ready.

7. “There’s an app.”

8. They are unfocused and I think it’s just the change in environment. It is not the gym and therefore it does not feel like practice.

9. I am standing in the sun, shielding my eyes from the light, and there is a slight breeze. It almost feels like summer. In just another month we will be sunning on the deck with a glass of wine.

10. Dinner is late. Dinner does not have enough salt. But we eat and we talk and we laugh.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-One

1. So cold.

2. Coffeecake from a box while the coffee brews.

3. I stuff my bag with things for the day: a computer, a water bottle, a notebook, leftover caesar salad, a tote bag full of snacks for the bus ride home.

4. No Zooms until after lunch.

5. I tell him that I am still angry. So angry that I could cry.

6. The crunch of gravel underfoot. The warmth of the sun. Clear blue sky. The yellow of the mustard.

7. Always waiting for one.

8. I take the blame on this one. I could have done something different. She tells me that there really wasn’t much more I could have done.

9. She says she’s reading James Patterson. We laugh. Then they talk about books and how expensive it is to them. I tell them about Thriftbooks. “I’m just glad to hear you spend money on books,” I say. “Well, I spend money on other things, too,” she says.

10. So, so hungry.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty

1. Do I really need to go to the grocery store today?

2. Out of the corner of my eye, a flash of bright blue of the morning sky.

3. So many baskets.

4. We stand on the sidewalk and he leans in closer and says, “…but this is why we live in California, right?” I nod my head in agreement. Sunny skies and 70 degrees in late January does not suck.

5. I tell the coach that last year I was at one of these parks every day of the week. Every. Day. Oh, boy.

6. Website is live.

7. Maybe, someday, I would like a small vineyard.

8. I make a pitstop at the olive oil store and walk the shells. There might be fifty kinds of pasta, all kinds of Italian foodstuffs, oils, and vinegars. I grab a big bag of grissini and have her cut me a large chunk of Gruyere.

9. They do seem excited.

10. Is there no room for honesty?

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Another sweaty night.

2. I lay in the dark a little longer and then I remember that she will be here soon.

3. I keep my eyes closed until I remember that I actually need to wake up.

4. Dried strawberries.

5. But not too much.

6. It’s bright and clean and quiet. I am silently grateful that she isn’t talking very much. Though she keeps telling me I look too young to have children.

7. These one-hour meetings are always so productive.

8. Shrimp scampi in orzo.

9. Selfishly, maybe more girls from basketball will come. And if they do, then they will be in even better shape next season. And also, I do miss running.

10. Ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. What is that noise? Is it his breathing? No. It’s almost frightening, like someone trying to scream. Must be some kind of animal.

2. The cry-squawk-screech continues.

3. The drive is easy. Reverse commute this time of day. Only two hot air balloons staggered across the horizon.

4. She looks familiar but she also has a mask on, so who knows.

5. Can I do it?

6. The sheep are here. The sheep are here.

7. It’s done. And now I wonder if I should even write the words.

8. They ask me how the game went. “We lost by 4. We were this close. But we did keep them from scoring.”

9. I think they can do it.

10. Sigh. No ice cream.