Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Still can’t swallow. Test is negative. But who wants to be sick?

2. Maybe I still need more pants.

3. Leftover wonton soup.

4. I remember that it’s Wednesday which means there is a meeting after all.

5. One hand wrapped around a cup of coffee. The other hand grips the warm steering wheel. I stare out over the valley floor as I guide the car down the hill. I smile to myself. Mornings like these.

6. I am caught by surprise.

7. Sometimes I feel like the compliments are backhanded.

8. First club member!

9. Now we’re missing two.

10. They played so much better. Last game: 54-12. Tonight’s game: 41-21.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Not already.

2. Always so cold by the window.

3. One cup and then two cups and then three cups.

4. The minutes of the morning are slipping through my fingers.

5. “I don’t know what I don’t know,” I say. And so I take more notes and get to work.

6. I don’t say anything because I am the newest one and I know the least. I can only respond from my gut, and my gut says that they’re not ready.

7. “There’s an app.”

8. They are unfocused and I think it’s just the change in environment. It is not the gym and therefore it does not feel like practice.

9. I am standing in the sun, shielding my eyes from the light, and there is a slight breeze. It almost feels like summer. In just another month we will be sunning on the deck with a glass of wine.

10. Dinner is late. Dinner does not have enough salt. But we eat and we talk and we laugh.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty-One

1. So cold.

2. Coffeecake from a box while the coffee brews.

3. I stuff my bag with things for the day: a computer, a water bottle, a notebook, leftover caesar salad, a tote bag full of snacks for the bus ride home.

4. No Zooms until after lunch.

5. I tell him that I am still angry. So angry that I could cry.

6. The crunch of gravel underfoot. The warmth of the sun. Clear blue sky. The yellow of the mustard.

7. Always waiting for one.

8. I take the blame on this one. I could have done something different. She tells me that there really wasn’t much more I could have done.

9. She says she’s reading James Patterson. We laugh. Then they talk about books and how expensive it is to them. I tell them about Thriftbooks. “I’m just glad to hear you spend money on books,” I say. “Well, I spend money on other things, too,” she says.

10. So, so hungry.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixty

1. Do I really need to go to the grocery store today?

2. Out of the corner of my eye, a flash of bright blue of the morning sky.

3. So many baskets.

4. We stand on the sidewalk and he leans in closer and says, “…but this is why we live in California, right?” I nod my head in agreement. Sunny skies and 70 degrees in late January does not suck.

5. I tell the coach that last year I was at one of these parks every day of the week. Every. Day. Oh, boy.

6. Website is live.

7. Maybe, someday, I would like a small vineyard.

8. I make a pitstop at the olive oil store and walk the shells. There might be fifty kinds of pasta, all kinds of Italian foodstuffs, oils, and vinegars. I grab a big bag of grissini and have her cut me a large chunk of Gruyere.

9. They do seem excited.

10. Is there no room for honesty?

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Another sweaty night.

2. I lay in the dark a little longer and then I remember that she will be here soon.

3. I keep my eyes closed until I remember that I actually need to wake up.

4. Dried strawberries.

5. But not too much.

6. It’s bright and clean and quiet. I am silently grateful that she isn’t talking very much. Though she keeps telling me I look too young to have children.

7. These one-hour meetings are always so productive.

8. Shrimp scampi in orzo.

9. Selfishly, maybe more girls from basketball will come. And if they do, then they will be in even better shape next season. And also, I do miss running.

10. Ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. What is that noise? Is it his breathing? No. It’s almost frightening, like someone trying to scream. Must be some kind of animal.

2. The cry-squawk-screech continues.

3. The drive is easy. Reverse commute this time of day. Only two hot air balloons staggered across the horizon.

4. She looks familiar but she also has a mask on, so who knows.

5. Can I do it?

6. The sheep are here. The sheep are here.

7. It’s done. And now I wonder if I should even write the words.

8. They ask me how the game went. “We lost by 4. We were this close. But we did keep them from scoring.”

9. I think they can do it.

10. Sigh. No ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Of course I would wake up forty-five minutes before the alarm.

2. I remember that I forgot to turn on the wash last night.

3. More chicken tortilla soup for breakfast.

4. He asks me if I’m going into the office and I say that I am and he says he thinks that is a good idea.

5. No meetings = more productivity.

6. Should have just eaten it cold.

7. I think I have managed to accomplish something today and that feels good.

8. I realize that the doors of my office are open while I’m telling the person on the phone about my suspected spider bite on my tailbone.

9. I feel like I am yelling more than normal.

10. Game nights are always the hardest.

Ten. One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. Mid-week slump.

2. Soup for breakfast. I dump tortilla chips and shredded cheddar and cilantro into the bottom of the bowl before adding two ladles of chicken tortilla soup.

3. Where are my Collins glasses?

4. I like his energy, too.

5. It’s finished.

6. I try to move about quietly, finding the right angles, the best way to be unobtrusive. “I’m taking pictures of *****,” I say to myself. “Who is going to eat all of this cheese?”

7. I’m still not entirely sure that I know what I’m doing. But also I do.

8. It’s finished.

9. Sounds like a gunshot. Do I even know what a gunshot sounds like?

10. 2017 Tablas Creek Espirit Blanc. 2017 Mt. Brave Cabernet Franc.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. Quiet. So quiet.

2. But sometimes you need validation.

3. I think about the words I wrote. I know that even if they hear the words, or read the words, the effect won’t last long. Because people like them have short memories.

4. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom.

5. I really dig his energy.

6. We are both 65 on the inside.

7. In need of a system.

8. Can we just maintain the deficit?

9. The other coach stops to tell me that I’m doing a good job. That he could tell how much we’ve progressed since we last played them. “You really frustrated my girls.”

10. I tell her that even though we sometimes get frustrated by what they still can’t do, other people can see their growth and that’s important to recognize.

11. She realizes that she signed up for these nauseating bus rides for another season. We laugh.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. We weren’t actually out of coffee.

2. What’s up with my podcasts not playing?

3. Hashbrowns and sausage. But water first.

4. He waves at another car passing by. He says he loves this little town. I smile to myself. I get it. I get the feeling. I also feel the feeling.

5. So many bags.

6. Why do I look so shiny? Maybe I should draw the blinds.

7. I tell him that I know what to do. I will write. They will know that they did not win. This is not about winning.

8. Can barely remember the last time I used my camera. It feels good to be making again.

9. I start to tear up a little bit while formulating my awards banquet speech. “Coaching your girls has helped me to be a better mother,” I say to myself. We’re almost done. What will I do when it’s over?

10. It’s no Inishi Kitchen.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Out of coffee.

2. Laundry before leaving.

3. It is so much brighter but so much colder than I expected it to be.

4. I stare out across the horizon and count the hot air balloons.

5. I miss flowers.

6. Not big enough.

7. I don’t know if I can keep my eyes open.

8. He says that even though things still aren’t easy now, it’s a different kind of stress than before. I said it’s because that wasn’t stress - it was psychological torture.

9. “If you’ve got the money, you usually find yourself on the right side.”

10. Hopeful for a resolution.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. We keep the window open to let the breeze in. The winds are strong. Large branches are banging against the roof and the sides of the house.

2. Dark.

3. I catch a strip of hot pink sky before heading out to sweep off the decks.

4. She says she checks my blog for proof of life. I laugh. I realize that there are people who might be worried by my absence.

5. The pop-pop-pop of fire.

6. Today we take it easy on the mat and it just the right pace for today.

7. Lunch at Acacia House under a bright sun. We eat outside on the porch. The chef comes to the table and I am certain my eyes get big.

8. Massican Annia and Robert Biale Black Chicken. Burger. Fries. Asian Pear Upside-Down Cake.

9. Can’t not think about it.

10. It is not funny, but it is extremely wild.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty-One

1. One-something in the morning.

2. Three-something in the morning.

3. I should be trying to go back to sleep.

4. The skin on this arm looks weird. Booster side effect?

5. He’s still sleeping.

6. I always worry that the whir of the coffee grinder will wake everyone but no one is stirring.

7. First take was the best take.

8. We share our last meals. Duck confit, gratin potatoes, haricot verts, and a big bottle of Burgundy. Creme brulee for dessert.

9. Everything is aglow.

10. I feel like there is some direction.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifty

1. I keep thinking about the dead robin on the deck. Is it still there?

2. Quiet and coffee.

3. I don’t really want to be in my emails at this time of the morning.

4. The skirt feels fancy yet liberating

5. He tells me that I was sending emails well before he was awake. I tell him that I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

6. You can feel his warmth and authenticity through the screen and that rarely happens.

7. I worry about how close we are even though we are outdoors. I think we are all pushing it out of our minds.

8. I feel a little bit of imposter syndrome creeping up and then remember that it is just an opportunity to learn.

9. “What a difference a little bit of confidence makes, huh?”

10. Maybe we can make it work.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. I hear the door creak but I’m too tired to get out of the bed to see who it is. My guess is the big kid is on the hunt for a midnight snack while he sneaks youtube.

2. The alarm will be going off in a little over three hours. I try not to let that frighten me.

3. Tiger King.

4. I heard a loud thud against the window and turn my head to see a robin on its back, shuddering, before going limp.

5. We name the trees. The sky is bright blue. The grass and weeds are vibrant shades of green.

6. One day, I’ll be able to sit still long enough to complete a project.

7. “It’s either mess up your shoes or not play.”

8. We needed this win.

9. Twenty-four points and still an L.

10. I am probably more tired than I want to believe.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. So sore.

2. Oh yes, the booster shot.

3. Nerves, but for a reason.

4. I try to stay focused but nature is busy outside of the window: a fat gray squirrel, a finch, a broad-chested robin.

5. Okay. So we are on the same page.

6. A quiet thud. I look down and see a wasp on the slate tile beside my foot.

7. “Wasp tells you that there is a reason for the season. Whatever you are going through actually advances you unwittingly.”

8. So much potential. I feel like we keep saying that over and over again: “There is so much potential and opportunity.”

9. They stick around until their teammate has finished, and that means more than everything else.

10. I need everyone to stop talking.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. I pour coffee in the mug and then more coffee into a to-go mug to take upstairs.

2. 6:30am virtual calls with your best friend. One hour is never enough.

3. Where is everyone? They start to slide through the door at 7:58.

4. Two, four, six, eight, nine. I will play the tenth.

5. Focus.

6. That’s a lot of dry needles.

7. On the way out she tells me she hopes my arm isn’t too sore.

8. My arm feels quite sore.

9. No dessert.

10. Hmmmm.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Six

1. I can keep on sleeping.

2. I wonder if I also make that much noise. I don't think I do. I'm almost certain do not.

3. Start the beans.

4. I keep the headphones in my ears. No more crime podcasts; must find something funny.

5. I intended to do laundry, but instead I am scrolling through Pinterest.

6. “You belong because you're in the room.”

7. I burn my tongue taste-testing the beans. More molasses.

8. Sore triceps.

9. Sancerre and San Francisco 49ers aka how you know you live in wine country.

10. Less worry, more faith.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Five

1. Better wake up now.

2. Insulated cup for coffee.

3. The hallways is fragrant; she left a candle burning again.

4. We begin our practice and I immediately drop into gratitude while looking at the way the light makes the wood walls glow.

5. Can always tell when it’s been more than a week.

6. Getting closer.

7. I didn’t even know he was gone.

8. Why are these gourds still here?

9. Pork Noodle Soup with Ginger and Toasted Garlic.

10. She asks if there is dessert. There isn’t. Now I’m craving ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Forty-Four

1. Ready for the extra day off.

2. We watch the sunlight slip through the valley, illuminating the pines and the glowing green hills.

3. I tell him that really, he is one of the more responsible ones. Even at 10, he gets it in different ways. He’s just smart.

4. I read all of my notes and make a list of what was said and what needs to be done.

5. What do I need?

6. He tells me that my CV is very impressive and that I should be proud of the work I’ve done. And I don’t know why I needed to hear that, but I did, and it almost makes me cry at the table.

7. Bus isn’t here yet.

8. I keep looking at the scoreboard and I am trying to maintain my composure.

9. I tell her that I think the long week is catching up to me.

10. If my goal for the season was to make them more confident, and that is what I’m seeing, then I am, indeed successful, no matter the record.