Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seventeen

1. And still before the alarm. I close my eyes.

2. The bright yellow of the ginkgos pushes through the fog.

3. Empty hearth.

4. Gotta stop listening to crime podcasts.

5. We head south on 29 and I look at the way the fog sits in the vineyards and

6. Not today. The appointment is tomorrow. Sigh.

7. I ask him who he’s talking to. He gives me the name. I ask him how his friend is doing. He says he doesn’t know. I ask the name of the friend again, “…in Spain?” “Yeah.” “You haven’t asked him how he’s going? How’s school going in Spain? How he likes living in Spain? You just jump right into talking about the game?!” He flips one ear of his headphones off to the side. “Yeah.” Boys.

8. “The key to creating a unique style is to find a kernel of something that is wholly mine, that can become my legacy if allowed to flourish and mature.” - Chris Kostow

9. Slices of light fall onto the pages of the book.

10. Where are my own words?

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Sixteen

1. Need a few magic erasers, maybe.

2. We head down the mountain and the fog and the morning sun are doing something so spectacular. It feels like you’re in on a little secret. Like you’re the lucky one who gets to behold all of this beauty.

3. Side planks. Triceps feel weak.

4. I push the vacuum across the floor and wonder how good it is to consume all of these true crime podcasts.

5. I keep checking my phone.

6. I sit in front of the fireplace and wish I had bought that big floor pillow.

7. Still waiting.

8. I tell him that I’m just going with my gut. I’ve learned from the last time.

9. But I’m trying to remember to stay grateful for this extra time at home and for the way in which things are taking care of themselves. We will be okay in the end.

10. We buy our last pizzas from them before they close. She thanks us and gives us a hug.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fifteen

1. Really, really need a new coffee maker.

2. Cinnamon rolls from a can.

3. I gather together as much as I can. Make it as easy for her as we possibly can. Be a good client.

4. He reminds him that he’s the leader. That he needs to set the tone for the game.

5. And sometimes you’re just in a space that feels good and right and natural.

6. I tell him that all of the conversations I’ve had with people there feel easy, and I’m not nervous, and that means a lot.

7. I am there at my usual time, but I forget that I don’t have the gym to myself. I lean against the pool gate and think.

8. Not my job.

9. Lack of discipline.

10. Practice is over but the girls are still hanging around and shooting and laughing with each other and that is a good sign. It’s always a good sign when you have to kick them out of the gym.

11. “This is the place. Not the corner. I didn’t see you and I’ve been listening to a podcast called ‘Disappeared’.” She giggles but she understands.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Fourteen

1. Slow it down. Cereal came yesterday. There is nothing I need to do.

2. Email catch up. Two cappuccinos. Not enough. Must get a new carafe.

3. She’s eating baked beans for breakfast.

4. This is what I always dreamed of.

5. The drip, drip, drip of rain. Gray skies. The ground is littered with leaves.

6. She asks me what I am going to do in order to feel rested.

7. Patience.

8. No cookies.

9. We can hear him on the other side of the court. He tells him they are moving like old people, we laugh.

10. Debris everywhere. Dark night.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Thirteen

1. No rain.

2. I did promise blueberry pancakes.

3. I rub softened butter on one of the pancakes until it glistens, and then drizzle it with maple syrup. There is the crunch of the crispy edges when I chew.

4. I confess that the coffee from the press was not up to par.

5. Why is everyone in here wearing a mask, but he is not?

6. One of the last lunch dates before the kids are out for break.

7. I tell him that I am so angry I could cry.

8. I worry that no one is actually here. I open up the door to the locker room and yell for them.

9. You can say whatever you want as long as it’s true.

10. I laugh. I got what I needed though. I got exactly what I needed.

11. Patience. Patience. All will be revealed in time.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Twelve

1. Rain, rain, rain.

2. I decide on an olive oil cake. Grapefruit. Will use up the lemon-infused olive oil. So, really, a citrus olive oil cake.

3. Weak coffee.

4. Rising waters but not as bad as last time.

5. I hear what they are saying, but I feel something different.

6. He’s chatty for someone working so early in the morning. He says we look familiar. We talk about having three kids but his are way younger than mine. I finish paying and he steps away. When he comes back, he hands me a bouquet of flowers.

7. More rain.

8. Chicken Tortilla Soup.

9. Maybe we’re doing an okay job.

10. Feeling the expanse of time.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Eleven

1. The tap-tap-tap sound of the rain on the roof.

2. French press coffee. Apple slices and crunchy peanut butter.

3. Milky fog sandwiched between thin evergreens.

4. Need to float.

5. I eat the last two crepes.

6. Closed eyes, heating pad, Great British Baking Show playing in the background.

7. Not sure I’m a fan of this.

8. Two weeks from yesterday.

9. Massican 2020 Vino Blanco.

10. Who’s going to put these kids to bed?

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Eleven

1. We should have won that game.

2. Toilets first.

3. I make a cappuccino and then another. Thick foam from the whole milk. A little sprinkle of sugar.

4. What is my role in this?

5. I make a shart right down an aisle and then wonder if I am being immature.

6. But this is only the first time. Maybe not the last.

7. There’s a chill in the air reminding us that winter is on its way. The sound of the softballs smacking their gloves. The soft astroturf pressed against my knees.

8. Reminders that life isn’t fair. Oh, to be a pre-teen.

9. Steak and scallops and potatoes and green beans and 2010 Salvatore Molettieri Taurasi Vigna Cinque Querce and 2018 Spottswoode Cabernet.

10. Crepes!

11. “I told you I liked them.”

12. The rain has started and you can see your breath in the air and the sky is pitch black.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ten

1. Game day.

2. Stiff neck. Thank goodness she’s coming today.

3. Migraine.

4. I let myself take it easy.

5. The sound of the tree chippers in the distance.

6. I never ate.

7. My shoulders are overloaded and I am trying to calm my nerves and I wonder if I will ever get to a point where I am not nervous.

8. These wind turbines make me miss the hills of the east bay.

9. 29-38.

10. We stand in front of the school under a streetlight while we wait for their parents to arrive. A hawk lands on the telephone lines across the street.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Nine

1. Up before the alarm.

2. I can’t remember where I put the elf.

3. Nettles instead of coffee.

4. Morning pages and I still feel scattered.

5. I think we did good.

6. There are worse views when stuck in traffic.

7. Driveway covered in a blanket of golden-brown oak leaves. Green things popping up through the mulch.

8. Mindset.

9. A lack of focus and energy, but maybe tomorrow will be different. I tell them to watch basketball tonight. To dream about lay-ups and free throws and good defense.

10. Probably shouldn’t have done that, even though I needed to.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Eight

1. I can’t remember exactly what happened in the dream, I just know that it’s worth trying to replicate.

2. I find the leftover coffee from yesterday’s stop at The Station and pour it into a mug. If I add cream and sugar will it not taste like day-old coffee?

3. The darkness.

4. It feels like pressure.

5. Another alien story.

6. Droplets on browning leaves. Raisanated grape clusters clinging to the vines. Everything is wet and sleepy.

7. Babka and chai. He is even more interesting in person. Smart. Smarter than smart.

8. Four caramels and an Italian batard.

9. The thudding of balls against the floor and the chatter and the laughter.

10. Patience.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Seven

1. I tap the bottom of the carafe against the sink and hear the glass break.

2. I use a flashlight to find his uniform. It is still too dark to see anything.

3. We need a better system.

4. A dead fox in the road.

5. A real coffee, please.

6. She reminds me to officially sign the kids up for little league as she walks out of the pharmacy.

7. It feels much warmer than they said it would be.

8. “It just feels weird not having anything to do. I mean, besides laundry.”

9. Even though it’s my day off, I offer to do the books for the game.

10. It didn’t come.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Six

1. Coffee first.

2. Bacon and hashbrowns in the oven.

3. I make a list, but there isn’t that much on it.

4. I am disappointed. I know the girls will be disappointed.

5. We head down the hill and I look out over the valley floor. The fog is dense and everything is muted and quiet. It feels like winter.

6. Through the screen, I can see that she is on her sofa in the living room and I am instantly transported to mornings with her and coffee. There are a few things I miss, and she is one of them.

7. It must be the weather.

8. How am I going to get these done?

9. Only 19 days which is not a lot of time. It is almost no time.

10. I think I can breathe a little more easily now.

11. I tell him that I’m just worried that I’ve lost my freedom.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Five

1. I look for the deep yellow of their lights through the window.

2. Another foggy start to the day.

3. The checker isn’t wearing a mask. On our way out, I glance back at the door. I don’t see the sign. We stop at Model Bakery. Again. No signs on the door. But everyone inside is still wearing a mask. I am confused.

4. I sit in front of the fire and write and write some more and think about reading, but know that there are other things that need to be done.

5. Fairly certain I could eat a ham and cheese croissant every day.

6. That alone was exhausting enough.

7. Always behind on laundry.

8. The turkey vultures are gathered around something that is now unidentifiable.

9. How very, very persistent he is.

10. Rice Krispie treats.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Four

1. Competition Day.

2. Not what I want to see first thing in the morning.

3. Their excitement is evident. It’s the day when they get to see if those three-hour practices have paid off.

4. We build a fire before practice. I try to focus on my breath, but I just hear my frustration.

5. I work on the words in my head. Unfortunately, this is a conversation I know how to have.

6. There is a slowness to the day that is almost uncomfortable.

7. Why does she think she can be in here without a mask on? In some ways, I honor the audacity to not do the one thing everyone else in the store is doing. But also - why? Why, for the 5 minutes you are in here can you not just put it on?

8. If one was coming, I knew it would be her.

9. Two rolls of Lifesavers Butter Rum candies.

10. “Are you okay?” “No, I’m not okay.” “Why?” “I’ve got to write this text to these parents.”

11. It’s not fair. It’s just really not fair.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Three

1. Thicker fog this morning. A cooler start to the day.

2. Hard to tell if he really is sick, or if he’s just trying to stay home and play video games.

3. Stuck upstairs.

4. Fog still thick, weaving itself in and out of the trees.

5. Woodchipper is back.

6. He goes and gets him from school.

7. The hours are passing so slowly, but ultimately, that is a good thing.

8. “We’re soft?” They feel offended. We laugh. They drive down the lane and we bump them with pads. They feel tougher and that’s the goal.

9. Patience is a virtue.

10. Cravings.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Two

1. Better today than yesterday.

2. I’m sad about the old start, but I like this new one quite a bit.

3. The soft glow of early morning.

4. Santa mug.

5. This is the gift of gratitude.

6. Pajamas secured. One extra for Pop-Pops.

7. The chipper is loud today, so loud, and of course, I have a call, an important call, but I stay put because this is the best light and the most comfortable space, and it somehow has to work.

8. “This is turning out to be a very good week,” I say.

9. Am I overreacting? No, I’m not. This is the convergence of the -isms and insecurity. Because, how dare I come into a space and be more successful than everyone else?

10. A forgotten Snicker’s bar for dessert.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & One

1. So tired.

2. If I’m tired, then I know the girls must also be tired.

3. I forgot it’s enrichment day today.

4. “Remember that you belong there,” he says to me as I gather my things.

5. “I only have a twenty. I want fifteen dollars back in change, please.”

6. I come around the curve and ahead of me, the horizon stretches out in a hazy silhouette of mountains, light gray to deep gray. Below are large swathes of glittering green grass and gilded leaves. I remember that I do get to live in this beautiful place.

7. Not awkward at all.

8. As always, I have more questions than answers.

9. I tell him that I remembered that as long as I keep working hard and maintain my integrity, I will be okay.

10. Still haven’t baked anything this week.

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred

1. Slow to rise.

2. The last bits of apple pie with my coffee. I sprinkle a few walnuts on the top for texture and protein.

3. One day, they will look back on the fact that both of their parents dropped them off at school every morning, and be grateful for it. These little things count, I think.

4. I realize that for the first day in quite a few days, I am actually quite calm about the situation.

5. This is what I miss about wine - the education.

6. This 2018 Mt. Brave Merlot, though.

7. I gather my things and set them by the door. He asks me if I have everything ready. Of course, I do.

8. She complains that her shorts won’t stay up. Coach grabs the extra pair we packed and tossed them to her. “They came in handy,” we say at the same time. “Always be prepared.”

9. 58-18. A win.

10. And to think that this is one of our closer games.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. The glow of the lights from the neighbor’s house.

2. A better night of sleep, but not by much.

3. More ham and sweet potatoes.

4. Shorter pours of coffee so that I finish a cup before it gets too cold. The Santa mug does not hold heat.

5. I remind myself that I am a good and fast writer and therefore I should be able to knock out this draft quickly.

6. Ticking the boxes.

7. Good energy today. You can feel it.

8. The light is slowly fading away. The silhouettes of bare branches reach out over the road like witches’ fingers. The thud of car doors closing as children slide into the backseats of cars.

9. This salmon tastes different. Oh, it’s trout.

10. Different. Not bad. But different.