Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. Cold, but not too cold.

2. Deep sigh because this is a low-key kind of morning.

3. I brush my teeth and hear the owl. I wash my face and hear it again. I can’t remember the last time I heard, but it seems significant.

4. “Protected by God.”

5. Stick potatoes in oven. Caramelize the onions. Cook the bacon. There is time for this.

6. Grateful for the slow passage of time.

7. A little bit of doubt creeps in but I remember that I am just doing what my gut says is the right thing to do.

8. Still don’t get it.

9. On brand.

10. Easy dinner thanks to a neighbor. I look at the label: “Narrow Bridge”. I laugh.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. Body aches. A culmination of things. Moving slowly.

2. A series of odd dreams with familiar faces and places, songs, and me uttering phrases that do not make sense, except for this one: It is good to have you back.

3. Cold.

4. The space between feels heavy.

5. We drive down the trail in silence. I stare out over the vineyards and the hills and the wispy clouds. Golden light spilling into the shadows between the rows.

6. This year, I will be better.

7. Being a teenager is rough.

8. I keep reminding myself that is this isn’t us. This is us under these really bizarre and uncomfortable circumstances. This is temporary.

9. But when will we feel normal again?

10. I really do genuinely like these people.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. So cold.

2. Out of coffee.

3. Empty streets. Catching the colors of sunrise.

4. No one is here yet.

5. Part of the frustration is my own fault. Did I communicate effectively? Did I make assumptions? How do we not have it happen again? Was the buy-in is not as strong as I thought?

6. More coffee.

7. Everywhere I go, I am cold.

8. Inside my head, there exists a list of things that must be done but I cannot see the words. Too tired to think, I think.

9. I make a pot of tea and find a collection of stories by Alice Munro to read. This one is dog-eared. I will start with this one.

10. Lights on. Voices. He’s rummaging through baskets of clothes. I yell at him to move faster, he’s taking too long, his friends are waiting.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. A better night of sleep.

2. The colder it gets, the longer the walks to the bathroom.

3. We get the kids to school early enough to have some quiet before she comes. I tell him that I miss these kinds of mornings…the slow mornings.

4. Incense, coffee, soft light coming in through the windows.

5. But in no way will I allow them to take this away from me.

6. I grind the spices for the Cubeb Spiced Shortbread. I weigh the risk and rewards of truthtelling. There is just as much harm in silence.

7. We squeeze in a few minutes with the neighbors and drink a little bit of wine. It is getting dark and cold.

8. There are a lot of people here and it makes me a little uncomfortable.

9. I sometimes forget that I have no poker face.

10. Just when I was getting better.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Slightly better.

2. Where are the dried cranberries?

3. Something about this yellow suit that makes me want to dance.

4. I really think I’m going to miss the feeling of dipping my hands in a warm bucket of peroxy.

5. Jimmy’s got to go.

6. I did it. I finally swiped the side of the car against the bridge.

7. I always feel like I’m trespassing.

8. They seem to be surprised or confused. Maybe my approach is unconventional. But I think this is a good way to do it.

9. Spicy meat balls.

10. I don’t think there’s any way to buff that out.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Dark, dark, dark.

2. It sounds silly but I think I should be waking up earlier.

3. It’s not me. It’s their own fear. The fear is valid. But what I’ve learned is that there are no good decisions to be made when rooted in fear. Besides, I’ve already lived my worst-case scenario and I know that will never happen again.

4. Finally a response but not enough time for me to pull it all together before I need to leave. It will be okay. Between the three of us, we can figure it out.

5. Running late which means making a very inefficient loop for drop-off.

6. I slow my steps to look out through the roll-up door and out into the vineyard. The morning light makes everything glow. It looks peaceful. It looks clear and crisp and quiet.

7. I scrub fittings and run through the outline for practice. What should we add? What should we skip? Am I overthinking all of this?

8. Time is of the essence.

9. I drink a glass of rosé while waiting for the order.

10. Inspirational quotes.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. 1:10am.

2. 2:43 am.

3. 4:22 am. I am not surprised that I cannot sleep. I should probably just get up and get to work. I close my eyes.

4. The turtle neck and white pants. It feels good to put on real clothes.

5. Thank goodness the camera is off and I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

6. But really. So many soprano solos.

7. I miss the frenzy.

8. I watch the hummingbird flit about the winery. Are they looking for a way out? Are they confused? I still take it as a good omen.

9. One more. We will be okay. We will be okay.

10. I could eat more, but I need to save it for tomorrow’s lunch.

11. I just really want the Braves to win.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. They’re right. This should have been a day off.

2. I realize that I am more nervous about today than the past days. Who will show up? Will there be new faces? Can I really do this?

3. Honestly, I could use a day of solitude.

4. I catch myself before I get in too deep.

5. We decide who’s bringing what and I’m genuinely glad that it’s not over yet.

6. I tell him that I’m not surprised, that while I was cleaning the tanks and had all that time to think that I thought exactly this. And so, in a way, I am not surprised. It is very on brand.

7. Two new faces. I really didn’t think she would come back.

8. They just can’t know that I’m nervous, too.

9. The best grades he’s had in years.

10. I think of how she told the girls that basketball will prepare you for life. That sometimes basketball is hard and life is sometimes hard. She is not wrong.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-One

1. The sound of rain hitting the rooftop.

2. One thick slice of banana walnut bread, toasted, a smear of soft butter. Hot coffee.

3. Today is going to be a long day.

4. Only three pumpovers and a punch down. The end is near.

5. Sausage breakfast burrito.

6. It’s really such a pretty sight: barrels lined up outside of the cave, the overcast skies, the yellow and orange leaves. And it’s so quiet.

7. Multiple kids at this age on a day like today is always anxiety-inducing.

8. I ask him how he’s liking his first Halloween in Saint Helena. He approves. I tell him that I do, too.

9. Gratitudes.

10. Tomorrow will be an even longer day.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy

1. Already 7am.

2. I stare out over the muddy water in the pond. I wonder how many months of rain it will take to make it clear again. Or will they find some way to filter it out?

3. Three day-old loaves and a box of fresh pastries.

4. I see that he has a basket full of advent calendars. The advent calendars are already out? Where did he get those?

5. Only two months.

6. Chainsaw.

7. Chicken noodle soup.

8. Can I do fast math in my head?

9. Tiny pink clouds on the horizon. I stare at them and everything around me fades away.

10. But also, I’m kind of glad it’s over. On to the next.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. But the good thing is that I get to lay here.

2. A disaster. I push the dirty dishes aside and clean off the cutting board. Where is the tablespoon?

3. How quickly can I clean these bathrooms?

4. Her hand in a mudra and the light hitting her just right. The same light illuminating the edge of the fireplace. It is quiet. Not even a chainsaw this morning.

5. I go with the turtleneck. I will probably regret it later.

6. A nut with each course.

7. “Octavia Butler,” she says. “Parable of the Sower?” I say as I touch her arm. “I mean, it sounds like we need to buy our land further north, right?” “But that county gives unfriendly vibes.” She assures me that it is unfriendly. “People go missing and stay missing up there.”

8. This feels like a puzzle that can’t be solved.

9. This is it. The real fun begins next week.

10. “I used to dream about dinners like these.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Still can’t remember what day it is.

2. The quiet.

3. They don’t look too excited about this new route. But it is indeed so much faster. Thank goodness.

4. On time.

5. The car behind me wants me to go faster but I really can’t go much faster than I already am. Plus, there is too much to look at: the layers of fog, a fan spinning rapidly out in a vineyard, people in bright orange vests moving in and out of the vines, the soft and watery light of morning.

6. So much has happened in this long/short period of time.

7. I explain to her why the joke is funny. I laugh to myself. I realize that I might think it’s funnier than it actually is.

8. Okay. So it’s not just me.

9. This is exciting.

10. I have tomorrow off.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Not time yet.

2. Oh, no. Uncured bacon.

3. Gate still closed. We’re going to be late. I sip cold coffee and am grateful for the little stretch of road that is empty.

4. Could be worse.

5. The way the colors are so saturated after the rains. Everything feels like it’s pulsing with life. Lush.

6. Eight years ago. Look at us now.

7. Nothing but tail lights.

8. Each song a memory of middle school and high school. Long bus trips to and from places and these songs being the only ones the coach approved of.

9. The way the light is filtering through the persimmon tree.

10. She wants to race me. We do. I win. Still got it.

11. “Prepare to be stomped like a late harvest Gewurtztraminer.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. What is today?

2. I try to close the door without making a sound. At least the stairs aren’t too creaky.

3. The water is back but it is awfully brown. The ducks still seem happy.

4. Just a cold? But when was the last time we had colds? Before COVID. Before doing things.

5. No more cold soaks.

6. All of the earth is gone. That’s a good reason for a road closure.

7. “That’s the Mom in you.” We pass around the tray of Oreos.

8. Sometimes you complete a simple task and even though it is simple, you still feel really proud of yourself.

9. Google maps says it will take me 30 minutes to go 2.1 miles. This is going to be a long month.

10. We talk the entire ride home. I explain to him that we have to go all the way around to get home. We pass the light and he asks me where I’m going. “ALL the way around.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. These dreams. These dreams.

2. Cold feet. Warm slippers. The sound of my own feet shuffling on the slate tile.

3. Should I eat more? I should eat a little more.

4. But can we leave?

5. The cloud reminds me that it was 8 years ago that I made my first trip to California. The pictures are of golden hills and oaks and ivy at J winery. And here I am, now.

6. Watery yellow sunshine.

7. I stand at the top of the ladder and look through the roll-up at the glistening vineyard below.

8. Am I moving slow or is it just a lot of work? Maybe a little bit of both.

9. “See, homeschooling.”

10. But maybe it’s just because I am seeing everything with fresh eyes and so I have no preconceived ideas about capabilities. I think to myself that one’s inability to perform might be more about the person in charge of setting the conditions for performance.

11. Really miss walking around town.

12. Could be worse. Could be better.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Still raining. Still raining. This is both a good thing and a bad thing.

2. Laundry.

3. All the veggies and the feta on a baking sheet. Hash browns and sausage on the stove top. I forget to turn on the coffee.

4. No one is here. Someone is always here.

5. Lights keep going out. This is going to be a long Sunday.

6. Pushing past the uncomfortableness of asking for help. Especially when it’s offered.

7. I say that I am confused and upset and angry and embarrassed.

8. High water.

9. ”I do a lot of thinking up there on the tanks,” I say.

10. Still raining.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. She’s already awake.

2. I put on the new jacket. It is light. It will be warm enough.

3. It is still so very dark. I have not had enough coffee yet. Something about driving at night time makes me drowsy. This is not a good thing. I keep looking for the first light of morning.

4. They’re still asleep.

5. I follow the curve and look for the statue. She shows me the chapel. We walk a path and squeeze through a gate and I feel like I am in the most peaceful place on Earth.

6. Okay. So this is just a teenager thing and I am not alone. We are not alone.

7. I curl up under a blanket and eat a salad and try to close my eyes and rest.

8. Probably best to wear the parka.

9. Long, cold, wet. And two losses.

10. But I really do need to go to sleep. Tomorrow already feels like a long day.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. More rain.

2. More things in less time.

3. The clouds look like cotton candy strung from mountain top to mountain top.

4. It’s easy when it’s beautiful.

5. Whoever made the PB & J today did not layer the peanut butter on both sides. It’s still a solid sandwich.

6. Productive. And that’s a good thing. There will be more of these.

7. I am off but on enough. Or maybe it’s just nerves.

8. This was a good choice.

9. She asks me what I want to do. I tell her I don’t know. I list a few of the opportunities in front of me. I am just staying open.

10. I do not like it but I’m glad they are comfortable enough to talk with me.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-One

1. The sound of rain.

2. The one thing about winter is having to get dressed in the dark.

3. He read the definition of “atmospheric river.” This is not the first time we’ve had one. It is good, but can also be bad.

4. Not an ideal way to start the day.

5. I’m always trying to beat my last time. But I don’t move faster; I try to move more efficiently.

6. Really could have used that new jacket this week.

7. How quickly the time passes.

8. They seem surprised by the news. I am not. They seem disappointed. I am not. They seem worried. I am not.

9. A quick stab of panic at the words.

10. Too sweet.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty

1. The sound of rain.

2. My feet are cold and I am happy about it because it means winter is coming.

3. A bowl of yogurt and walnuts and dried cranberries. Coffee. Water.

4. My hands are to the point where I can’t write for extended periods of time. I push through and finish the three pages.

5. Gratitude for awareness of my own faults.

6. Early enough for a stop. They’ve discontinued my favorite item. Certain items not available until the weekend. Not good.

7. Clouds cradling the mountain tops. Saturated and yet muted. Quiet.

8. All of the feelings all at once.

9. More rain.

10. Oh, Fox.