Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-One

1. I know it’s almost time for me to get up.

2. But there is still enough time to make mixed-berry scones.

3. Raspberries are watery. Next time I need to account for the added moisture.

4. I start to say it but then hesitate. Because sometimes he’s just joking.

5. I try to make a plan of attack. If I plan properly, it should be easy. Right? Right.

6. All of this country music reminds me of high school in Missouri. And also, that one time that we had a line-dancing test in gym back in Maryland.

7. Red Flag Warning.

8. Ice cream cake after lunch. There is something so sweet about sitting under the persimmon tree together.

9. I am slow, but I try to be thorough.

10. He tells one last story. I imagine the Father’s large hand smacking the back of Anthony’s head. I imagine the sound of Anthony’s head slamming into the blackboard. I imagine Anthony's blood on the chalkboard. I imagine Anthony crying and cleaning the blood off of the board and trying to gather up enough composure to rewrite the number 5, in a normal size, like the Father asked the first time.

11. I come for stories like these.

12. Turkey burgers.

13. I do the trainings and I can’t decide if I am more nervous or more prepared. A combination of both.

14. I am sitting in the chair that faces the windows. Beyond the windows is nothing but darkness. Pitch black save a few squares of yellow-orange glows dotting the mountainsides - windows of the houses perched on the rocks above. I hear the wind blowing through the trees. It is loud. That sound used to remind me of the ocean waves. Now, it just sounds like fire.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty

1. In the dream, she has died and I am crying. But the cries are not just tears, they are more like wails. Dry, guttural wails. And gasps. I wake up.

2. I text her that I need five more minutes to make the coffee.

3. 6am calls where you remember that you are not alone in your feelings of things. And isn’t that the point of community: to not feel alone?

4. In downward dog, I glance underneath my armpit and see a large cream-colored bird on the branch. I bend awkwardly to see it more clearly. Most likely a hawk.

5. We sit in lotus and I watch the way the morning light casts a glow on the wood and fireplace. Sincere gratitude. I remember that we were not here this time last year.

6. They are delightful and we probably could have talked for two more hours. I am sad that I must go.

7. We accomplish a lot in 50-minute meeting.

8. I will never tire of exploring the landscape of this place.

9. Who knew he could punt?

10. “You have to come and coach in this place?” Yes.

11. “You look weird,” she says. I stop. I start to get angry. I look at her. I realize that I am staring at a little girl no more than four years old. I say nothing and continue toward the bathroom. When I exit the bathroom, someone above me yells “hey.” I am not looking forward to coming back here.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. 3:00 am. He didn’t finish his project.

2. Candles and quiet and trying to figure out what to make for breakfast.

3. Another.

4. I ping of sadness pulling up and not seeing any fruit on the vines. Could have sworn they were full yesterday.

5. I feel weak again today. I promise myself that I will slow down and take care. It’s not a race. But actually, it is. It’s a race against lunchtime.

6. Maybe it’s time to get them a phone after all.

7. “I need a whistle.”

8. “Do you go to PUC, too?” I laugh. I tell him I’m an adult. I have three kids. But I guess if I care about looking young, then it’s a compliment.

9. I keep quiet and observe. I put the pieces of the puzzle together.

10. We run through tomorrow’s schedule: call at 6am; yoga at 7:45am; coffee with the interns at 9:15am; meet client at 11 or 12; leave for the football game at 1:45pm. What are we eating for lunch and dinner?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. Thank goodness the heartburn went away.

2. On the mornings I wake up before the alarm I worry about becoming an insomniac. On the mornings I wake up with the alarm, I worry about wasting the extra time I could have had if I had woken up before the alarm.

3. Out of creamer.

4. Only one kid to take to school and still running late.

5. Live Again by Sevendust. I am transported to high school and see my brother, young, fresh-faced. I should call him.

6. I time myself. Because, of course, the goal is always to be faster.

7. He tells me that I should have told him I was scared of the ladders because then he would have started me on the step-ladder first. Always has jokes.

8. We laugh about the George Foreman Grills. We laugh harder about Michael Scott and his burned foot.

9. I almost fall asleep in the dentist's chair.

10. I say that I want to know, but then he tells me and all I do is get more upset. So upset that I imagine myself breaking another tooth. Time for another boundary.

11. More to do.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Cold fingers and toes.

2. Quiet on the roof this morning.

3. Already past 7:00 am.

4. The sky is gray and low and it really feels like fall.

5. I start to climb the ladder. I think of how only a few short weeks ago the idea of climbing scared me. There are many things I am no longer afraid of since I began.

6. At lunch, we take an imaginary trip to Rome.

7. One day I will write a story about this twenty-year-old green sweater.

8. Pork chops and apples. The smell of allspice and sage and clove. Potatoes. She says it tastes like fall.

9. Dana Scully.

10. Three antacids. Three more. Five.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty-Six

1. 4:14 am. Oh boy.

2. But there are things to do and I can do them now if I get up.

3. Two eggs, scrambled. Three pieces of bacon. One liter of water. Patiently waiting for the sun to rise.

4. “I got my contacts on in one try!”

5. “Alisha! Are you feeling strong today?” “Barrels?” “Barrels.”

6. “I said I wanted to be as good as him by the end of harvest, but now I’m beginning to wonder if that’s really a goal I want to achieve.” She laughs.

7. PB & J.

8. We head down the hill. Left, or right? Wait. They are very particular. I need to slow down and think this through. I glance over and look down at the dry river bed below.

9. Good attitudes.

10. Probably shouldn’t have finished that cold coffee at 5:00pm.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty-Five

1. We’re still here.

2. There are still too many loose ends, but I will tidy them up as best as possible.

3. Against the silhouettes of the firs and redwoods, the glowing sliver of a crescent moon.

4. Still only one contact in the eye.

5. Great. Not just one day home, but multiple days home.

6. The layered noises of a fruit day. I settle myself in the cave and get to work.

7. I wipe down the sides of the bins and start to plan the next thing. Not next year, but the year after that. April. It has to be before fire season. I listen to myself dreaming again and am grateful for the return of free thought.

8. Surprised but not. These were not good terms.

9. Certified.

10. This is going to be fun.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty-Four

1. Quiet.

2. I can’t find the lighter for the candles. I’m sure it’s in her bedroom.

3. One cup of coffee together staring out over the trees. The sun is coming up between that narrow V of the valley. Purple and pink and blue under the thin gray strip of fog.

4. I count twelve hot air balloons dotting the horizon.

5. Sundays.

6. She has so much poise.

7. I tell him it was a frustrating day today because I made too many mistakes for my liking. He tells me that mistakes are good. He is not wrong.

8. There is still much to do.

9. The 10-year-old breaks it all down, tells his bigger brother that it’s time to get over it. We are laughing. From the mouths of babes.

10. Will I make it to 9 o’clock?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Morning meditation.

2. Less moaning than last week, but still feel all the places that are sore and tight.

3. I pause at the top of the stairs and look at the way the light is falling across the space. It is still quiet. It is still so very beautiful.

4. Coffee in a regular mug, in the car, with white pants. Living on the edge.

5. He says that for not the one very hard thing, we wouldn’t be experiencing all of these really good things. I am not entirely convinced that the only way to good is through pain. But perhaps the pain brings clarity.

6. I fill a cart with pumpkins. I remind him that last year I didn’t buy fall decorations because we were evacuated.

7. Tank sample of syrah. Barrel samples of the rose and chardonnay.

8. Laundry and more laundry.

9. I pull the cards and they are all contrary. Not surprised. Upside down is exactly how I feel.

10. Long night but a good night.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Later and later. Need to reverse this trend.

2. I keep looking at the book that I put on the table. I still haven’t broken it open. It’s just sitting there waiting for me.

3. The beginning of the end.

4. I always pause right at this point on the walk up from the patch of dirt where we park and take a deep breath.

5. Time alone in the cave spur.

6. It makes me feel less old to hear them say they have carpal tunnel pain.

7. Snicker’s brownie.

8. Everything is temporary.

9. He asks me if I even know how to add another person to FaceTime. I don’t. He does it for me. Is this a sign that I’m getting old - that the kids now know how to do things with technology that I don’t?

10. Quieter tonight.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty-One

1. The things on the roof are quiet this morning.

2. He remembers to wake himself up in time.

3. He beats me to the coffeemaker.

4. Where are my slippers? Where are my slippers?

5. I devour the ham and cheese croissant and wonder if someone there has been reading my stories. Perfectly flaky, but way more ham and cheese.

6. Twenty-five minutes is a long time.

7. Looks like mostly Kit-Kats.

8. He drives. I take in the scenery. I daydream, create new people and places and lives.

9. It's not that I can’t, it's that I'm not sure how to while also being in alignment with my values.

10. Always more questions than answers.

11. Someone is playing loud music and it is almost 11pm. I can see nothing. No extra lights. I just hear and feel the thumping.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty

1. Almost too cold.

2. It gets hard and harder to keep track of the days.

3. Simple pleasures.

4. I am early and so I take a few minutes and walk a little bit in the vines. The morning sun is golden and bright. Parts of the canopy stretch overhead. At my feet are some freshly-fallen grapes.

5. The first one takes too long. The next two take as long as the first. That’s progress.

6. I tell him that I think we have the same philosophies but I may need to help her with organization.

7. Cheese curds are $11.36 after tax and I’m pretty sure that’s four dollars more than they were during baseball season.

8. I laugh at the absurdity of it. I am the secret.

9. He’s such a funny little man.

10. I sit in the car and wait for him to finish practice. The sky shift slowly from a pale and dusty blue to dusty pinks and oranges. It is a peaceful sky.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. Keep forgetting to wake him up at 6:45.

2. Too much clanging. This is why I need to get up earlier; I need my quiet.

3. File under ways you know you’re an adult: the weight of your new iron and the way it glides over her t-shirt fills you with joy.

4. We start to go down the rabbit hole.

5. Nirvana and then Stone Temple Pilots and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Pumpovers are much faster when the music is harder.

6. Classic PB & J.

7. More like relief.

8. Progress.

9. The countdown.

10. But the not knowing.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. Too soon.

2. I ditch the hashbrowns for the mini dutch babies to see how well they go over.

3. Candles lit. Coffee in hand. Slow down the breath.

4. I know what this is. I know what this is.

5. I hear something scurry beneath the red rocks.

6. But it really is a beautiful morning. Down here, the sun is bright. The air is still cool. The sky is flat and blue, except for clouds here and there.

7. I am noticeably stronger than I was even two weeks ago.

8. Too many giggles at lunch. But is there really such a thing as too many giggles?

9. We walk to get the trash bins off the train. Mount Saint Helena has a shroud of clouds around it. I can’t stop staring.

10. He pretends to not be proud of himself.

11. Three flu shots and one first-shot of COVID-19 vaccine.

12. The smell of rain.

13. Harvest playlist.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. “I threw up.” Of course, you did.

2. With bleary eyes, I start to try to clean what I can see. I whimper every time my hand lands in a wet spot. I sprinkle baking soda over the top and hope that will sop up enough of the moisture overnight.

3. Alone in the quiet.

4. Perfect circle of a waffle. Melted butter. A light drizzle of maple syrup. Hot coffee. Candle. I eat alone on the sofa.

5. I like Sundays in the cellar.

6. I drop a siphon in the keg. Oh, dear.

7. I think and think and think. This is the best thing about this job: I get to do a lot of thinking.

8. Margaret’s quesadillas are a thing.

9. I tell them that I combined all of their advice, and it seems to work.

10. Maybe I can figure it out.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. Just need to vacuum.

2. I light the candle. I like that there are seven wicks. The morning light is still starting to creep in.

3. I stare out at the trees and think of all the things I wanted to do that I did not do this year. No hiking, not enough trips to the beach, not enough vacation time used. But there is still time.

4. There is still time.

5. I need to be more grateful.

6. An eruption is always the result of a slow build.

7. I should have gotten the fries.

8. I always say that it’s worth it. But is it? Will it be?

9. Suprise visit.

10. We’re only human.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. Those wild little friends above my head.

2. The iron is officially dead. I search for an alternate plan. Then I wonder if I’m being silly. Everything I’m wearing will be covered in grapes by the end of the day anyway. Will anyone notice a wrinkle in the knee?

3. The sunrises are the best this time of year. The golden glow of morning spills into the valley, filling the corner of the room with its light.

4. What is working? What isn’t working?

5. There is nothing on the board. I am confused but mostly worried The board is always done when I arrive.

6. It is not a question or a request.

7. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

8. The fig tree by the mailboxes bore no fruit this year. Or maybe the squirrels were overzealous and plucked the baby fruit right away? The ground is littered with dried leaves. The tiny oak growing out of the rock has withered away.

9. I clean. He does his homework. I peek over his shoulder to read his words. Maybe the message is starting to stick.

10. “I think Frasier would be funnier to me if I was an adult.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Birthday morning.

2. These mornings could be better.

3. Something is up but I can’t quite figure out what it is.

4. At least we’ve figured out how I can still do this: be with them on their way to school each day. That is something I am unwilling to give up.

5. Need more reps.

6. He says he wants Gott’s but I talk him into steak and a good bottle of wine to enjoy at home. That’s where we all want to be.

7. We stop and have wine after taking him to practice. Inside is one of the Gowan family members. Her cider will be on tap tomorrow. We talk about Anderson Valley and how much we love it up there.

8. “We have the power to co-create the world we want to live in.”

9. At dinner, she asks when we can go to Boonville again. “December, maybe. After harvest.” “What about your basketball schedule?” “Oh. Right.”

10. One of these days, I will get better at this.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Still so sleepy.

2. He leaves for more coffee. How did we forget?

3. I needed these few minutes alone.

4. One tiny feather. A good sign. A good sign.

5. I take a few moments to take it all in before I get to the top of the hill. It is peaceful, still cool, but the color of the light is changing.

6. We taste through the fermenting lots from lowest brix to highest brix. He describes the vineyards as he pours: location, what it’s given him in the past, what its current state is telling him. He tells us that we will do this each week.

7. Sticky fingers.

8. There was no reason to rush.

9. By golly, he’s doing it.

10. A realization of new limitations. What if I can’t do it all anymore? What I don’t want to do it all anymore?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Not the same dream, but a good dream. Also one I want to remember.

2. But all I really want to do is write. Not the kind of writing I’ve been doing, but the kind of writing I really like to read.

3. “Action breeds clarity.”

4. Yeah. I should probably stop drinking coffee but I just bought another container of creamer. Okay. After the creamer is gone.

5. I laugh to myself.

6. It’s a little thing but an important thing.

7. She asks me if I’m balancing everything ok. “Barely hanging on by a thread,” I say.

8. I triple check everything and I still missed something.

9. I stare at myself in the mirror. I realize that this is growth: going into a new situation knowing that I will make a mistake and being okay with making that mistake. The first time in a long time I’m not beating myself up over making a mistake.

10. “Life is hard.”

11. “…Are we crazy?” “I like to say ‘romantic to a fault.’”