Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty

1. Almost too cold.

2. It gets hard and harder to keep track of the days.

3. Simple pleasures.

4. I am early and so I take a few minutes and walk a little bit in the vines. The morning sun is golden and bright. Parts of the canopy stretch overhead. At my feet are some freshly-fallen grapes.

5. The first one takes too long. The next two take as long as the first. That’s progress.

6. I tell him that I think we have the same philosophies but I may need to help her with organization.

7. Cheese curds are $11.36 after tax and I’m pretty sure that’s four dollars more than they were during baseball season.

8. I laugh at the absurdity of it. I am the secret.

9. He’s such a funny little man.

10. I sit in the car and wait for him to finish practice. The sky shift slowly from a pale and dusty blue to dusty pinks and oranges. It is a peaceful sky.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. Keep forgetting to wake him up at 6:45.

2. Too much clanging. This is why I need to get up earlier; I need my quiet.

3. File under ways you know you’re an adult: the weight of your new iron and the way it glides over her t-shirt fills you with joy.

4. We start to go down the rabbit hole.

5. Nirvana and then Stone Temple Pilots and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Pumpovers are much faster when the music is harder.

6. Classic PB & J.

7. More like relief.

8. Progress.

9. The countdown.

10. But the not knowing.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. Too soon.

2. I ditch the hashbrowns for the mini dutch babies to see how well they go over.

3. Candles lit. Coffee in hand. Slow down the breath.

4. I know what this is. I know what this is.

5. I hear something scurry beneath the red rocks.

6. But it really is a beautiful morning. Down here, the sun is bright. The air is still cool. The sky is flat and blue, except for clouds here and there.

7. I am noticeably stronger than I was even two weeks ago.

8. Too many giggles at lunch. But is there really such a thing as too many giggles?

9. We walk to get the trash bins off the train. Mount Saint Helena has a shroud of clouds around it. I can’t stop staring.

10. He pretends to not be proud of himself.

11. Three flu shots and one first-shot of COVID-19 vaccine.

12. The smell of rain.

13. Harvest playlist.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. “I threw up.” Of course, you did.

2. With bleary eyes, I start to try to clean what I can see. I whimper every time my hand lands in a wet spot. I sprinkle baking soda over the top and hope that will sop up enough of the moisture overnight.

3. Alone in the quiet.

4. Perfect circle of a waffle. Melted butter. A light drizzle of maple syrup. Hot coffee. Candle. I eat alone on the sofa.

5. I like Sundays in the cellar.

6. I drop a siphon in the keg. Oh, dear.

7. I think and think and think. This is the best thing about this job: I get to do a lot of thinking.

8. Margaret’s quesadillas are a thing.

9. I tell them that I combined all of their advice, and it seems to work.

10. Maybe I can figure it out.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. Just need to vacuum.

2. I light the candle. I like that there are seven wicks. The morning light is still starting to creep in.

3. I stare out at the trees and think of all the things I wanted to do that I did not do this year. No hiking, not enough trips to the beach, not enough vacation time used. But there is still time.

4. There is still time.

5. I need to be more grateful.

6. An eruption is always the result of a slow build.

7. I should have gotten the fries.

8. I always say that it’s worth it. But is it? Will it be?

9. Suprise visit.

10. We’re only human.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. Those wild little friends above my head.

2. The iron is officially dead. I search for an alternate plan. Then I wonder if I’m being silly. Everything I’m wearing will be covered in grapes by the end of the day anyway. Will anyone notice a wrinkle in the knee?

3. The sunrises are the best this time of year. The golden glow of morning spills into the valley, filling the corner of the room with its light.

4. What is working? What isn’t working?

5. There is nothing on the board. I am confused but mostly worried The board is always done when I arrive.

6. It is not a question or a request.

7. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

8. The fig tree by the mailboxes bore no fruit this year. Or maybe the squirrels were overzealous and plucked the baby fruit right away? The ground is littered with dried leaves. The tiny oak growing out of the rock has withered away.

9. I clean. He does his homework. I peek over his shoulder to read his words. Maybe the message is starting to stick.

10. “I think Frasier would be funnier to me if I was an adult.”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Birthday morning.

2. These mornings could be better.

3. Something is up but I can’t quite figure out what it is.

4. At least we’ve figured out how I can still do this: be with them on their way to school each day. That is something I am unwilling to give up.

5. Need more reps.

6. He says he wants Gott’s but I talk him into steak and a good bottle of wine to enjoy at home. That’s where we all want to be.

7. We stop and have wine after taking him to practice. Inside is one of the Gowan family members. Her cider will be on tap tomorrow. We talk about Anderson Valley and how much we love it up there.

8. “We have the power to co-create the world we want to live in.”

9. At dinner, she asks when we can go to Boonville again. “December, maybe. After harvest.” “What about your basketball schedule?” “Oh. Right.”

10. One of these days, I will get better at this.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Still so sleepy.

2. He leaves for more coffee. How did we forget?

3. I needed these few minutes alone.

4. One tiny feather. A good sign. A good sign.

5. I take a few moments to take it all in before I get to the top of the hill. It is peaceful, still cool, but the color of the light is changing.

6. We taste through the fermenting lots from lowest brix to highest brix. He describes the vineyards as he pours: location, what it’s given him in the past, what its current state is telling him. He tells us that we will do this each week.

7. Sticky fingers.

8. There was no reason to rush.

9. By golly, he’s doing it.

10. A realization of new limitations. What if I can’t do it all anymore? What I don’t want to do it all anymore?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Not the same dream, but a good dream. Also one I want to remember.

2. But all I really want to do is write. Not the kind of writing I’ve been doing, but the kind of writing I really like to read.

3. “Action breeds clarity.”

4. Yeah. I should probably stop drinking coffee but I just bought another container of creamer. Okay. After the creamer is gone.

5. I laugh to myself.

6. It’s a little thing but an important thing.

7. She asks me if I’m balancing everything ok. “Barely hanging on by a thread,” I say.

8. I triple check everything and I still missed something.

9. I stare at myself in the mirror. I realize that this is growth: going into a new situation knowing that I will make a mistake and being okay with making that mistake. The first time in a long time I’m not beating myself up over making a mistake.

10. “Life is hard.”

11. “…Are we crazy?” “I like to say ‘romantic to a fault.’”

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty-One

1. I need to remember this dream. I repeat the details in my head over and over again. This could make for a good story.

2. I think about all of the writing I have not done. How she asked me what my routine is for writing these days. How I said that there is no routine. I just work from 6:00am to whenever I fall asleep.

3. Dark morning skies.

4. Out of oat milk creamer. I don’t think I’ve had enough coffee yet. Or maybe I’ve had too much already and that's why I’m yelling.

5. We come a different way and from this view, you can see a stretch of vineyards atop a plateau, bright green and glistening in the morning sun.

6. The one thing about all of the wineries I’ve worked at is that they are all so beautiful. And that makes a difference - having someplace so beautiful.

7. Clean and sitting in the sun while waiting for the children.

8. I ask how she does it. How is she doing the things she’s doing?

9. Lighting the candle.

10. The twists just don’t want to stay in.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Thirty

1. He’s coughing again, this time in hus sleep.

2. Can’t fall back asleep.

3. Not ready.

4. Clear enough to see the sea. He asks me if I want him to pull over.

5. I sit quietly and stare out the window while I sip my coffee.

6. Yes. This is where I should be.

7. All the way to Knights Valley before he turns on the music.

8. Gratitude for help.

9. They are right. The best thing to do is keep quiet.

10. What next?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. Up before everyone. Room-darkening blinds.

2. I try to listen for the rain they promised but don’t hear anything.

3. A sliver of lightt.

4. We stand outside in the rain and wait. Take of football and parent group and the town. She says she likes to keep.her meetings short. I say we're on the same page.

5. Belgian waffle with strawberries, double the whipped cream. Diner coffee is sometimes the best coffee.

6. Glimpses of the ocean through rain-streaked windows.

7. The weather is slowing down the time.

8. The words run through my mind more than once. I know what this is. I've been here before.

9. I watch him on the sidelines and wonder how he feels.

10. Under the tent in my parka. Two cup o’ noodles, water, and skittles for me. Deflections, defensive touchdown, and a win for him.

11. House full of kids. Pizza. Water. Wine. Laughter. Thuds. I'm glad I brought my slippers.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. So, so dark.

2. Sourdough toast, bacon, a scrambled egg, tall glass of orange juice, coffee. Quick work on the computer.

3. Every morning, right around this time, I start to feel my heart race. Probably the coffee.

4. In some ways, I will miss the two of us working together like this.

5. After the first two, I find my rhythm. I thank them for their help. He tells me he likes the way I do pumpovers: “You’re so clean.” Well, the tanks are clean but my pants are covered in wine.

6. I forget that there’s no nozzle on the hose and soak myself with hot water. The only thing I can do is laugh.

7. I laugh some more.

8. Conference call in the pick-up line.

9. A glimpse of sunset through the trees. Muted bands of orange and pink and blue layered behind rugged shadowy mountains and trees. “This is why we came here.”

10. The road twists and turns so much that I worry I will get carsick.

11. He admits that he was crying because he was scared we were going to run out of gas on the road.

12. Ice cream while we wait.

13. “It’s been a long day,” he says.

14. I ask him a question before realizing his eyes are closed.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Mosquito buzzing near my ear.

2. A little too wrinkly.

3. Leftover vegetables with the breakfast sausage. Counting down the minutes until they all wake.

4. Supernatural.

5. The roll-up is down which means today will be a light day.

6. They say the song reminds them of a movie. I laugh to myself; I am old enough to have heard the song on the radio. Delilah, to be exact.

7. I roll the windows down and turn off the music. Just the sound of the air rushing through the car, the tires rolling over acorns and leaves, a leafblower.

8. I catch up on emails while sitting in the pickup line. He asks for the podcast with the scary stories.

9. His answer is always the same but so is my question.

10. Praise the leftovers.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. A regular clothes day.

2. She’s already awake? Oh, yeah. Birthday pastries.

3. Half a blueberry muffin, coffee with oat milk creamer, water, a view. The clacking of my fingers on the keys in between bites and sips.

4. I think of the worst-case scenario. It is not ideal, but it is doable.

5. This is not sustainable.

6. A handful of friends are gathered at the top of the stairs and yell “happy birthday” as she exits the car. Someone has a gift. I am both curious and happy and uncomfortable.

7. Working in the car gives me headaches now. I look out the window and notice how much thicker the fog is on this side of the range. Sometimes the treetops poke through. Everything is shrouded in a milky haze.

8. She is now the easiest to shop for.

9. At the end of the meal, they bring her a toque signed by the kitchen staff.

10. Decisions need to be made.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. Just barely enough sleep.

2. Cereal for them. V8 for me. Coffee with oat milk creamer. Tiny cup.

3. Life imitating art: the irony of me trying to take a call about the challenges of working mothers while also trying to wrangle the kids into the car to take them to school. Another real-life moment.

4. A familiar face that I’m happy to see.

5. I reread the pages on pumpovers while I wait for the car to fill up with gas.

6. I volunteer to rake so that I can stare out of the roll-top and take in the view of the vineyard and the hillsides in the distance.

7. A wave of sadness as I eat my sandwich. That feeling of stuckness, of not knowing what to do next.

8. I really want to get into these bins but I have to leave.

9. Unexpected space.

10. Too tired for ice cream.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Back to the noises on the roof.

2. The quiet.

3. Everyone is still asleep as I pour my first cup. Pink streaks of clouds in the morning sky.

4. The light is good and I have things to say and so I lean the phone against the leg of the chair and try to capture what it is I am feeling.

5. Forgot to wear my nightguard. Can still open my mouth. Feels like a tiny miracle.

6. Just trust yourself.

7. I am not documenting enough.

8. I keep having visions of myself laying down, sprawled out on the floor, looking up at the ceiling. Everything is okay. I am just there in the quiet, not doing a thing.

9. More work and no sleep.

10. If I’m going to be awake in the middle of the night, at least I’m in a vineyard where the stars are bright and the air is cool.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Still tired but up early.

2. Have I forever lost my ability to sleep in?

3. Blueberry bread for them, leftover garlic toast for me.

4. Just the three of us today. I like the quiet.

5. She asks me how I’m doing. I tell her that it’s meditative. And it is.

6. Soup and quesadillas for lunch. I am more hungry than I thought I would be. I should have had more than one garlic toast.

7. It’s hot in the sun, but not as hot as yesterday.

8. After I am done, we talk about the challenges of doing what we’re doing, even though we’re doing what we want to do. I am still shifting things around, trying to figure out what works best, and I still don’t have it figured out.

9. I tell him that I’m really tired. He says that he can tell. And at this moment, I feel a little bit better. To have it acknowledged by someone other than myself is a bit of a relief.

10. Is “this slaps” still a thing?

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. I want more sleep.

2. I try to do the time math in my head. Yes, if start now, I can be done before the game.

3. I don’t realize how tight all of my muscles are until we start to move. Even I am groaning today.

4. Fast fingers.

5. I tell her that I am dead. However, I tell her all the other things I am and that all together I feel like I should be dead.

6. The sun feels particularly unkind today.

7. Car show in this tiny downtown.

8. Can’t seem to get the offense going. 0-0 at the half.

9. Still can’t quite figure out tomorrow. I slide the last handful of skittles into my mouth.

10. I tell him that these Saturday night games are worse than the baseball night games and then I feel my eyes start to close.

Ten.One Thousand, Five Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Flashes of lighting. I check to see what time it is.

2. Loud thunder and then the sound of rain. Rain! I smile and try to go back to sleep.

3. Everything is wet. That is a very good thing.

4. It’s kind of like survivor guilt and I don’t really like this feeling.

5. Everything is changing. Nothing stays the same. What can I do to make it easier on myself?

6. Just enough time to shower before we go. I am still sweating. She is on the floor of my hallway helping the repairman fix the washing machine. When will I have time to clean the house the weekend? There will not be any time.

7. I can’t remember the last time I was in Oakland. I watch the landscape change. We cross over a bridge, the name of which I do not know. Below us water. Out across the horizon, shadow mountains and haze. Everything looks grey-blue, like an old black-and-white photo.

8. “I thought the tickets said no tailgating?”

9. Where did I go wrong?

10. Surrender to your truth.