Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. Getting better at navigating in the dark.

2. Interrupting the quiet with the sound of the grinder.

3. Move the table outside. The three of us can fit in the dining room again, right? Vacuum. Light incense.

4. I wish she could come three times a week.

5. Jittery and distracted. Week two of the declutter and realizing that I have to rework the boundary on tech now that work is thrown back into the mix. How responsive does one need to be?

6. Rain. Real rain. Soothing rain. The kind of rain that makes you want to go back to bed and read until you fall asleep.

7. No snacks.

8. It’s a weird feeling seeing it posted. Realizing, once again, that even if you are the one who initiates change, it can still be painful. Even when doing the leaving is the best thing to do, you can still feel the sting of loss.

9. Can Dream Big Darling be a monthly thing?

10. 2005 Araujo Estate Eisele Vineyard Sauvignon Blanc. 1978 Robert Mondavi Cabernet Sauvignon. 1975 Chateau St. Jean Cabernet Sauvignon. 1985 Diamond Creek Gravelly Meadow Cabernet Sauvignon. 1975 Joseph Phelps Vineyards Eisele Vineyard Cabernet Sauvignon. 1997 Dunn Vineyards Howell Mountain Cabernet Sauvignon. 1996 Araujo Estate Eisele Vineyard Syrah.

11. I tell her that my goal is to own land in Mendocino, mixed-use, but definitely with a vineyard. She asks me if I’ve talked to Theo.

12. Note to self: Speak up more. Let people know what you want. Someone can help you get it.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. Sigh.

2. I wake up early, but her light is always on before mine.

3. I go ahead and make the coffee.

4. Ripples in the pond. Squawking jays. Thin gray squirrels jumping from branch to branch.

5. The circular conversation.

6. She asks me how I’m feeling. I am feeling all the feelings.

7. Leftover beef stroganoff before scrubbing toilets.

8. We decide that just because I wake up at 4:00 am, it doesn’t mean I should start working at 4:30 am.

9. Their faces and their voices and their stories. Laughing. Finding some joy.

10. Sigh.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. I guess they didn’t come today.

2. Wait. 4:12 am? That would be why they didn’t wake me up; they haven’t come yet.

3. What else to do but get to work.

4. Model Bakery at 6:40 am and we are not the first people. He orders a bag of muffins, gloves one his hands. He leaves in a newish Corvette.

5. I press send.

6. Not a repeat.

7. Hours. Always hours with her. He says we always giggle.

8. He ask me how I’m feeling. I say I am feeling all the things. I am a mixture of feelings: relief, sadness, anger, confusion about said anger.

9. I forgot to call.

10. Is it Friday? Only Wednesday.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. If I can hear myself then I am awake.

2. Cold ankles. Officially the season of cold feet and hands.

3. Really need to get a regular coffee pot. He’s going to come down to cold coffee.

4. Nerves are a good thing. Right? I think of what I told him yesterday. “We tend to take calculated risks.”

5. The squirrels are having a blast in the trees.

6. How is it already time to get him? I need a break anyway, I guess.

7. I thank him for helping her clean out my fridge. And for saving my dutch oven.

8. Already time to get the other two! I’m going to be late.

9. He’s going to ask me for Gott’s every time he gets in the car, isn’t he?

10. Oy.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Please let it be past 4 o’clock.

2. So cold. How long do I have to wait before making coffee? Leftover salad for breakfast.

3. Back at it.

4. Already two cups of coffee. Push past the impulse to brew another pot.

5. Focused.

6. My ankles are so cold.

7. What happened to my ability to slow down time?

8. He does most of the driving and I am forever grateful for that.

9. Someone she knows is in her ceramics class and that’s a good thing, I think.

10. “Nightstands would be something special.” I laugh. I’ve been looking for nightstands for 5 years.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-One

1. These early wake-up times are kind of funny, kind of not.

2. Drinking coffee slowly.

3. The hunt for a desk. I never know what I’m looking for until I find it.

4. Slightly overcast as if it might rain.

5. One box at a time. I find a picture of him from seven years ago. What happened to that smile? Leftover bits from Fever Dreams. Journals from the past two years.

6. Rain. Brief but cleansing.

7. Dried wildflowers in the windowsill.

8. Almost done.

9. Worth it.

10. So many stars. All the stars. “This maybe the night that my dreams might let me know / All the stars are closer, all the stars are closer, all the stars are closer.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty

1. “What time is it?” “Early.” “How early?” “4:12.”

2. Must stop falling asleep before 8.

3. Today can go slowly.

4. Hands getting cold.

5. I try not to stare at the destruction.

6. It’s only open for fire debris at 7 am. He sends us back down the hill. The colors of the valley below.

7. Station for hot chai and a glazed donut. Yeasty. Chewy. Not too sweet. We get morning buns for the kids to eat while we wait.

8. Surprise sleepover for her.

9. There is no rhyme or reason for any of it.

10. Just need a desk.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Nineteen

1. “Are you getting up?” “Yep.” “Good.”

2. I turn on the heat so that it’s easier for them to want to get out of bed.

3. “It’s kind of weird to see all the rubble and things burned down and right next to it it’s like nothing happened.” I turn to look out of the window. He is right. I think the same thing to myself every time.

4. “What’s that smoke over there?” I tell him that if there was a fire, I would have gotten an alert. No alerts. No fires.

5. Almost late.

6. There are no more pumpkins. I realize that because I was gone the whole month of December, I’ve missed out on fall decorations. The stores are in Christmas mode already.

7. Laundry. Still so much laundry.

8. It’s good to see her, even though it’s just the eyes. I hand her a card and an amaryllis to say “thank you.”

9. So cool it’s almost cold. Cold.

10. It’s only 6:54.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighteen

1. “Don’t make yourself miserable trying to keep me alive.” I feel like I’m supposed to tell her this, but it was just a dream.

2. Jayne comes today.

3. The smell of coffee wafting up the stairs. The sound of heat forcing itself through the vent. The clink of a spoon. The desire to just curl up where I am.

4. Call number one.

5. Another morning of getting them all to school. The most normal things have been in a long time.

6. Yoga with Jayne.

7. Some of the leaves are turning yellow. A little breeze shaking everything loose.

8. Call number two.

9. I think it still smells like burning wood. 2016 Sauvignon Blanc. Quiet.

10. Who’s going to make sure they go to bed tonight?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventeen

1. 3:23 am.

2. 4:33 am.

3. Warm water with a little apple cider vinegar. Coffee.

4. I try to find the turkey vultures. They’ve been perched on the branches overlooking the pond. I hope they don’t try to eat those little swanlings.

5. I get out of the car and then realize I don’t have my mask. I walk quickly back to it. I think he knows where he’s going.

6. There is more to be done.

7. My screentime is down 43% from last week. I put the phone back down.

8. Grateful for the slowness of the day.

9. Everyone is just much happier. So much happier.

10. Trying not to fall asleep before the children do.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixteen

1. 4:33 am. I think I fell asleep before 8.

2. If I could repeat the languorous feeling from yesterday, that would be great. A week off upon return was the right gift to myself.

3. Trying not to be frightened about what today might bring.

4. Warm water to start. Kale. Bacon - too crunchy. Coffee.

5. One kid recognizes him and tells him he knows where the classroom is. She and I walk and walk and walk. I can’t find numbers on the doors. I spot a parent. The parents points me to a teacher. The teacher points me to the right room.

6. A quiet house. We’ll see how long this lasts.

7. Three things: the right values, a little bit of freedom, the opportunity to grow.

8. Snacks on the table.

9. I make dinner early because I can, and, for whatever reason, the days just feel so long.

10. There’s still so much to do. So much to do.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifteen

1. Cool. Cold. Monday.

2. Could go either way. Trying not to fret about making a mistake. Trying to envision the best possible outcome.

3. The scary part, of course, is that what I want has not yet been created. But I don’t know if I have the energy to create it. But then again, I haven’t asked for help. I must get over this feeling as though I must figure everything out on my own.

4. Let it be easy.

5. But I’m not the only one. And that is somewhat comforting.

6. Forcing myself to stop the impulse of checking.

7. He's talking, and maybe even happy?

8. Time. It's just nice to have time.

9. miss them. I am grateful that I miss them. That is a special thing.

10. Roasted chicken and shallots. Braised potatoes. Parmesan chard.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Fourteen

1. So dark. 5:42 am.

2. Waiting for the light to come. Do I even want to see?

3. No coffee.

4. I can see rubble through the trees. Browned trees. He tells me about what he saw on the drive back up the hill. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to see.

5. We finish moving him into the other room. Build the desks. Not what I envisioned, but it will do for now. I’ll move things around later.

6. He keeps asking if he’s going to school.

7. Laundry and laundry and more laundry.

8. “It was really close,” she says. We stand at her window and look across to see the large chunks of concrete.

9. Make soup, then nap.

10. I should stop thinking about the worst outcome and pray for the best one instead.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirteen

1. 3:22am.

2. I just don’t feel like myself.

3. Not enough time. There is never enough time.

4. What is that smell? Oh. Cow manure.

5. That feeling of anxiety again. Like a hollow feeling plus a pounding heart.

6. I can see it in his face. He doesn’t want to go back. He thinks he would rather be back in New Orleans or with his friends in Chicago.

7. I don’t really need any more signs though this is definitely another one. I’m going to have to do the work. But I don’t want to.

8. “…I am more satisfied with the exploration of the best, most simple and elegant question than I am with any righteous, vocational answer.”

9. It feels good to be back? Yes. It feels good to be back.

10. So much to do.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twelve

1. Hot Krispy Kreme.

2. Patiently waiting for sunrise.

3. Watching fog slowly rising up from some river down below. Painted sky.

4. Somewhere between San Antonio and El Paso: more than 10% over.

5. I should be reading instead of scrolling but the scrolling feels like the right kind of diversion even though it’s not making me feel any better.

6. Stray cats at the rest area sunning themselves on the walkway.

7. Border Patrol. No line like there was on the way in though this time I see the cameras and infrared sensors.

8. Familiar faces. I tell her that I really haven’t talked to anyone over this past month.

9. We’re all struggling with the same things. Have we all reached our breaking point?

10. It’s already after midnight. The time has gone by so quickly.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eleven

1. I don’t want to go. I know I have to, but I don’t want to.

2. Finding things everywhere. No time to clean like I usually do. Trying to be slow and methodical.

3. One group picture. The dog almost makes it in, too.

4. Forgot her backpack.

5. This is not insignificant. To think that this is what a Category 2 can do.

6. Thinking all the things but not saying anything out loud.

7. Where are we? Not one single person in a mask. Not even the people working inside. Not even just hanging around their necks. I keep looking around to see if I am losing my mind.

8. “ Had to have high, high hopes for a living / Shooting for the stars when I couldn't make a killing / Didn't have a dime but I always had a vision / Always had high, high hopes…”

9. I can only laugh.

10. I log into the HOA call late, but just in time to introduce ourselves to the other neighbors and listen to who lost what and what we want to do moving forward to make the entire community more fire safe. But also to express gratitude. Not a bad group.

11. Just tired.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Ten

1. 3:12 am. What is going on?

2. Hot coffee. Gray skies. The hurricane is coming.

3. “Hurricane on the way in! Hurricane on the way out!”

4. We stand in line for 45 minutes. I should have come earlier.

5. I look at the food in people’s carts and try not to judge because it is not their fault. I blame the systems in place that limit access and education.

6. The gap is widening.

7. I try to forget that it’s the last day.

8. She says that there are a lot of opportunities for us now. What do I want to ask for? What do I need?

9. Flickering light. I shut the computer down.

10. The fan looks like it’s going to swirl right off the bracket. The egg is rolling across the patio. Fences blown down.

11. But what do I really want?

12. Nailed it.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Nine

1. 3:51 am.

2. It sounds like a heavy wind is blowing. I peek out the window but can’t see anything, it’s still so dark.

3. Coffee. I will need to make an espresso later today. Just because.

4. Conan + Scam Goddess = Great Start to Tuesday.

5. We all agree that it doesn’t feel like noon. Maybe it’s the overcast sky. Maybe it’s because none of us are getting any sleep.

6. Only two full days left.

7. I ride into the wind, try to outrace the rain. Rain.

8. The says the water is good and the power should be back soon.

9. The power is back.

10. I make myself an espresso. I think my milk to espresso ratio is off. But I’m still proud of myself.

11. But we do often get the short end of the stick, don’t we?

12. They say that the hardest part is coming back inside to all of the quiet.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eight

1. Sunday! The deadline was noon on Sunday! Today is Monday! 3:58 am.

2. She asks me if I’m okay and I tell her that I completely blew a deadline and just had to get straight to work. I never miss a deadline. He will tell me that I should have put it in my phone.

3. It will be a long day.

4. Maybe he is right.

5. It is snowing in Flagstaff so we’re back to taking the more southerly route back home. Only two full days left.

6. Intention for the rest of the day: Focus. Reduce distraction.

7. “I guess there’s gonna be some problems tonight.”

8. Why did he park so far away from the store? Oh well, I guess I’ll just get my steps in.

9. The thing about going away is that your perspective shifts in surprising ways. And you don’t even have to go away, you just have to create space and time to quiet the mind, ask better questions of yourself.

10. Julienne slowly. Jazz playing softly. So much prep, but it will be worth it.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seven

1. Gah. Really need to start going to bed earlier.

2. Quiet and overcast. Cool.

3. More sweet potatoes and coffee for breakfast. Bacon. Jazz.

4. Working through multiple time zones is really messing up my calendar.

5. This will just have to do for now.

6. Maybe we can turn this ship around after all.

7. Picking up a book from Barnes and Noble. Going inside to retrieve it from customer service feels so comforting, so normal, even though she has to pass me my book from beneath the plexiglass.

8. Two laps around. The sun is very bright. Should have brought sunglasses.

9. What is it about today? The weather? A special event? It must be the weather.

10. The letter sounds so vague and that causes another kind of anxiety.

11. Sunset. Thin layers of dusty orange and pink and blue.