Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred and Eighty-Six

1. Later than intended.

2. A detour sign would have been helpful.

3. Bitter coffee. Beef jerky and grapes.

4. So many miles to go.

5. It was supposed to be a surprise. But I guess it’s okay that they know now.

6. Obsessively checking email for an update of any kind.

7. I was hoping to see more things about UFOs. Maybe we’re in the wrong part of the state.

8. I haven’t heard anything. Trying to not let my imagination run away from me.

9. The mountains of the west fading into the background, dusty sky.

10. Almost there.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. Last day. I thought I was ready to leave, but I’m not.

2. One last look in the mirror.

3. I insist that we drop off the dryer balls.

4. Why does everyone have to use the bathroom after we’ve already left the place with all the bathrooms?

5. But…the dropper.

6. I want to say into the phone, “DO YOU KNOW THAT I AM EVACUATED WITH MY HUSBAND AND THREE KIDS AND THIS IS LITERALLY NOT IMPORTANT! IT MEANS NOTHING! THIS IS NOT A PRIORITY!”

7. The great thing about this car is that I can’t hear anything anyone is saying. The worst thing about the car is that I can’t hear anything anyone is saying.

8. It feels it’s been so long since I’ve seen the layers of a sunset.

9. This is the best I can do, I think.

10. Well. What else are you going to do?

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. Slept in.

2. Still waiting to get coffee. Should try one of the other bakeries Rachel suggested.

3. I stare at myself in the mercury glass. What do I see?

4. This little corner. What I can I do in this space?

5. I go down to the room and someone else is in there and she tells me that she thought those people were with me. They are not. I reserved that room two days ago. I try not to be angry, but I fight back tears in the business center. It just wasn’t what I wanted, but I don’t have the energy to fight about it.

6. Familiar faces.

7. I don’t know. It just felt right.

8. I literally don’t have cash, but I give them my pocket change. Who knows. Hopefully it just helps them get whatever it is they need.

9. All of the meats and cheeses. It is overwhelming. Wine. I’m having trouble making choices.

10. The guidance counselor calls to check in on us. I find myself rambling. Oh. Maybe I am the one who needs help the most right now.

11. But really, what do you do with the rotting food? I don’t want to bring the kids back to a house full of smoke. Should we continue to stay somewhere else until the smell is gone? What will seeing the burned houses do to them? Do to me?

12. The boys make the pasta dough with the moms and the girls make the charcuterie board. It feels like the most normal thing to be doing.

13. Is there a such thing as too much ricotta?

14. Laughter. They are playing hide and seek. I like this adopted family.

15. She says it will be at least two more weeks.

16. So many texts I haven’t responded to.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. Not enough sleep. B

2. The same man in blue jeans, making a comment about me being the one already working while everyone else is asleep.

3. Music in the headphones while I work. Another baseball player getting off on the wrong floor.

4. I need to do my hair, but I don’t have what I need to do my hair.

5. Well, it just wasn’t the right fit. And that’s okay because I don’t really have the time.

6. Better today.

7. Test shots. This will actually yield more interesting pictures. Tomorrow will be even better. It’s hot in front of these windows.

8. A familiar face in all of the madness. Champagne. Apocalyptic sun. Gratitudes.

9. So smokey.

10. He says that I seem like I’m in a better mood. I tell him it’s because I got to be creative today.

11. The next place won’t be as beautiful as this, but I just need a dishwasher and a stove and to be able to have more than a bag of grapes in a refrigerator.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. More activity in the hallway than usual for this time of the morning.

2. Another quiche. But really I just want bacon and scrambled eggs. Coffee.

3. I do love the moodiness of this fog. Somewhere beyond are skyscrapers and bridges and the bay.

4. I shouldn’t let this little thing bother me.

5. Heart racing. Breathe. It’s just anxiety. I am okay.

6. We find the next hotel. This one at least has a kitchenette. I’m so over take-out.

7. This was a great surprise, she says. We walk them around the resort and they snack on macaroons while overlooking the tennis courts. Laughter.

8. What they really mean to ask is do we regret our choice. We regret nothing.

9. So tired. What day is it?

10. Angry at everything and at nothing.

11. Things I forgot to pack: the hair dryer with a comb attachment, hair oils, one nice shirt, lotion, more than one sweater, flip flops for the kids in case we go to the pool, one collection of short stories by Alice Munro.

12. I take myself and my feelings back to the balcony and finish up work for the day.

13. Still angry.

14. If they say no, it’s okay because I don’t need it anyway. But it’s good to have the option.

15. He calls us to ask if there’s anything he can get from the house for us because he’s swinging back through town. Of course, this time I locked all of the doors. I think about the spoiling food in the refrigerator.

16. She helps me reserve the meeting room for two different days so that I can have some quiet.

17. How does one lose their glasses in a bag full of bit of fried pickles?

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Dark, but not that early.

2. I sit in the chair just outside the door and write. I can feel the anxiety moving from my body and to the pages and back into my body. That’s not how it’s supposed to work.

3. I remind myself that feeling all of the feelings is a completely normal experience.

4. How much longer until I can find some coffee?

5. I tell him that, sometimes, just having something normal, like work, is exactly what you need.

6. Irritated. But it’s not them. It’s just all the things. I roll up a towel and place it under my head, lay down in the sun and stare up at the clear blue sky.

7. I just need one more day in the month of September.

8. There is no more water supply to the neighborhood which means nothing to me, except that we will be gone even longer.

9. I could do a whole day of beauty hunting in this hotel. So many little things that delight me. And I need delight.

10. We find the right vests. She is not wrong; the white jacket is pretty. And with the patch, it will be even cuter.

11. Why is he taking so long in the shower.

12. My fuse is short.

13. Of course she starts us off with champagne and charcuterie. And then, 2005 Château Pichon-Longueville Comtesse de Lalande with pizza. And then, 2009 Domaine Dujac Gevrey-Chambertin Aux Combottes for dessert. But more than the wine, it wa just good to laugh and to hear my children laugh and to wash clothes and to feel like things are kind of normal.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty

1. What is that noise? An evacuation alert.

2. Another one. It’s 5:30 am. The browser won’t load. Wait. I’m not connected to the internet. My phone isn’t charging. The power is out.

3. I use my phone to find the flashlight on the wall and then take it into the bathroom to get ready.

4. Maybe I can have more reception if I go outside. I need to text my parents and figure out what’s going on.

5. He’s checking people out in the dark. Lanterns line the stairway. I ask him what he knows because I don’t have cell service. “AT&T?” “Yep.”

6. I walk to the entrance and stare across Highway 29 and see a long line of fire. It’s to the north and east. I prepare myself to not have a home to return to.

7. We drive down to Yountville to find service and wi-fi to figure out the plan. We can’t stay here.

8. I shouldn’t have checked my email.

9. Texts and more texts but I can’t bring myself to answer them right now.

10. I remind myself that we are all just stressed out and acting out in different ways. We don’t mean the things we say.

11. I tell people that I’m not worried about the loss of things. I’m worried about how I will help the kids navigate their emotions about all of this. Two evacuations in two months. She reminds me that kids are resilient.

12. She has a surprise. The patches arrived. Little things.

13. I look at the light in the restaurant

14. The restaurant is on fire. Burned to the ground.

15. He sends us pictures of him standing on the back deck. I am not a crier but I am teary-eyed now.

16. She tells me that ours was spared but there are several others that were not as fortunate. i think about survivor’s guilt and what it will mean to return and see the damage.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. Noooo. I wanted to sleep in.

2. Alerts.

3. I wake him up and tell him that there’s another fire. I start moving. Brush teeth slowly. Calm down. What do we need? What’s necessary.

4. I close the window. The smell of the smoke is getting stronger and stronger. Enter mom guilt. We are going to have to go again.

5. Wrangle everything up. Realize that the work you wanted to do today might not get done because the first priority is safety and then soothing the nervous system. Is everything in place? What else do we need?

6. I tell her that it’s not the part about evacuating that worries me. I’m more worried about how the kids will take it.

7. From advisory to warning. We stop rearranging the room. We will not start building the desks.

8. He gives me a strange look. I tell him that I have a lot of work to do and I will do it from wherever we end up.

9. I tell her that fire season is a lesson in detachment.

10. Waiting. Anxiously waiting. We decide we should just have a glass of wine, cancel the hotel reservation at 6 pm if we haven’t heard anything by then. Four minutes into our call with Dad, we get the notice.

11. Down off the mountain, the smoke cloud is more visible, more ominous. Take care little treehouse.

12. I tell him that the hard part is the uncertainty: how long will this last? When will we get to go back? What will we go back to?

13. I laugh to myself. Is this the Richardson curse? Move to new location = worst weather in history.

14. And yet I still feel gratitude.

15. But now they’re telling the whole city to be prepared to leave.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. Still so dark.

2. We make the coffee. He tells me to relax and enjoy it. We watch the sun rise behind the trees, turning sky from pale blueberry to liquid tangerine.

3. But I do need to clean.

4. These kinds of conversations are always so good. She’s asking me questions I haven’t yet been asked before, and that makes a big difference.

5. But just look at how beautiful it is. He says that this is so much better than driving on I-88.

6. Oh yeah, I block that.

7. There’s no soup on the menu. I go with a bahn mi, scarf it down in the car. So flavorful. Way better than eating a burger.

8. Zoom happy hour with the husband’s mentor and his wife and daughter. We hang up and I start to tear up a little bit too. I am happy to be gone but I do still miss my people.

9. Dinner with Mare. At Ease pinot noir rosé while listening to the conversation and waiting for the chicken to cook. Acme Levain and some salted butter.

10. Jolie Laide Trousseau Gris, Failla in a shiner, roast chicken, potato salad with honey dijon mustard, tomatoes with a drizzle of olive oil and maldon salt. The conversation.

11. We talk and talk and talk. He goes to bed. We talk some more. Do the medicine wheel spread. Mind blown. Literally everything bit of our conversation showing up in the cards. There is work to do. But the work might simply embodying oneself.

12. One last card.

13. You know when you meet your people.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. Waiting for the light.

2. Maybe blue and white is my new favorite color combination.

3. I am always nervous about pressing send, but I think it just means that I care a lot.

4. Ah, yes. I’m getting closer. I can see the fog in the distance. Morning Fog. I do miss this valley.

5. 32 tons, he says. 32 tons. I can’t even imagine. The zinfandel looks beautiful.

6. He says he’s going to try something new and then he raps my intro. Not really a rap, but a flow. I get a little teary-eyed.

7. This conversation is the best. Literally the best.

8. Phil Long!

9. So tired. Maybe I’m just teary-eyed from fatigue. Finally Friday.

10. I like this guy. His socks are amazing. This is the most I’ve heard my son say in a long time. I feel good about where we’re going.

11. He did it. He got the P.O. Those are some big numbers. Holy cow. I can’t even. That’s why he’s bringing out the Dom. Holy cow.

12. So tired.

13. How did I miss this email? Oh boy.

14. So grateful.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. 4:48 am.

2. Wash the t-shirt now so it’s ready in time for yoga.

3. Awake but barely.

4. I lean my notes up against the screen and wait for it all to begin. Today really will be a great day.

5. Yoga with Jayne outside on the deck, staring out at the trees. Good vibes always. Gratitude for this time.

6. I forgot to send the emails. Not that big of a deal. But that’s probably why I didn’t see any sales in yesterday’s report.

7. I thought he called me, he thought I called him. We talk to each other on FaceTime while working on our computers. I remember that actually he does know the thing I think I need to know.

8. “September is almost over,” I hear her say from somewhere in the room.

9. I almost miss my IG Live. I’ve had 4:30 in my head all week. I could have talked for hours.

10. I tell him that I’m excited but trying not to be too excited.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Ah. Right. Garbage Day. The one day I can finally sleep in but I can’t.

2. Today is the day.

3. Knock at the door. Who could this possibly be? Desks. Finally, the boys have desks.

4. He comes down the stairs talking about a dream. At least he’s talking. This is a big improvement.

5. This is only for today. September is almost over and then I can welcome the quiet back in.

6. Dappled light.

7. I tell him that he really has to get it in one take. I am no videographer. Not yet.

8. Breonna Taylor. Disappointed but not surprised. How could one believe in a system that was never designed for them, anyway?

9. I tell her that I’m excited for tomorrow because I have a journaling workshop and then the conversation with Alice - and also yoga between all of that.

10. My eyes are so dry from looking at my phone and my computer all day. Contacts out. Watery eyes.

11. Dinner reservation for his birthday. Compline. 2012 Pierre Peters “Les Chétillons” Blanc de Blancs Brut. Cool night. He says it’s the best birthday he’s had in a long time. Even though we kind of forgot about it.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. 3:24 am. Last pick of the 2020 season.

2. Cold fingers. Cold air settling in before the warmer air returns again.

3. This feels like a day for the jacket.

4. Must have coffee before they rise. He’s already on the phone talking with people across time zones.

5. I make a list. Forgot to do my morning pages.

6. Article submitted. Now, time to start working on the next one.

7. What is today?

8. First Covid test. I am nervous. Just. I see the cotton swab and I decide that the best thing to do is close my eyes. She recommends that I breathe through my mouth.

9. I should be more tired.

10. Sometimes you just wonder if you’ve done the right thing for everyone by doing the right thing for you.

11. He will understand when he gets older, right?

12. We can do it better.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. 4:00 am. Right. Because it was set to weekdays only.

2. I’m awake now so no since fighting it.

3. Mapping out the week. It is a lot, but it is actually manageable.

4. This sweater though. I might wear it every day. I should have gotten it in black, too. Note to self: see if you can order it online.

5. Group texts. I am already missing this experience and it’s not even over yet. I just feel like I need more time.

6. I realize that I’m projecting. She’s completely capable of making her own decisions.

7. Just freaking do your math sheets.

8. The word “risk” keeps coming up in conversation. “It was a calculated risk.” “We have a high tolerance for risk.” “With great risk, there can be great reward.” “This is a calculated risk.”

9. I can barely keep my eyes open at dinner.

10. All of it is worth it.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. New sweater vibes.

2. No one out this early on a Sunday morning.

3. The smell of cabernet in the air. Inhale deeply.

4. I look to my left and to my right, noticing the way the light is falling across the valley floor, marveling at the silhouettes of mountains.

5. Hot air balloons dotting the horizon. Verklempt. I keep putting my hand on my heart. All of this is worth it.

6. We are early but it’s a good thing we are. The line has already started to form. Almond croissant for her, peach danish for me.

7. We both just keep saying how beautiful it is.

8. If I have to drive 45 minutes to get to the closest Best Buy, at least the drive is scenic.

9. Feather on the ground, the sound of Maya Angelou laughing, the heat of late afternoon.

10. The words aren’t coming.

11. What can I do today to make tomorrow easier?

12. My favorite part of my day? Coffee with my friend. What am I grateful for? Not having to do the grocery shopping.

13. Why is everyone still awake?

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-One

1. I feel like I should get up, but surely it’s not already time to get up.

2. 4:39. The alarm was set to “weekdays only.” Argh.

3. We eat bananas and drink water while driving through the fog. It is thick.

4. The air is cool; the are on the far end of the block. I follow him down the rows.

5. The break of day.

6. I did not plan my time well. Actually, I did. This was already on my calendar. Today’s work was a surprise addition at the last minute.

7. All of their faces.

8. We taste the barrel sample and I am excited. We are all excited.

9. She is sweet. She likes it but doesn’t want to ask for it because she thinks it costs too much. I remind her that this is her birthday gift; she can get whatever she wants. Her first real purse.

10. It really is a beautiful day. Turley Sauvignon Blanc with fish tacos for us, root beers for them.

11. He says he wishes he could just have them fly up for the holidays. We’re choosing to stay apart because of our concerns about travel. But, I agree. I can’t go much longer without seeing them in person. We have to calculate our risks but we also have to care for our hearts.

12. Golden Harvest because no one really feels like cooking. I promise myself that this is the last night of take-out.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy

1. Today is the day.

2. Knowing that it’s morning fog and not smoke and how it sets the spirit at ease.

3. We move the dining room table and all of the chairs. Makeshift yoga studio.

4. Chataranga staring out at the trees. Yeah, this is ain’t bad at all.

5. She has is rub our hands together to build energy and create a ball of light and blessings to surround ourself with throughout the day.

6. Wine delivery.

7. This is life right now.

8. We talk about our lives to now, the industry, being a calculated risk taker.

9. Fantastic Friday.

10. Sweating as I clean. Laughing to myself thinking of what he told his grandmother on the phone: “We have air conditioning but we never use it!”

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. Glad to have the fountain back.

2. Drink one more glass of water before bed.

3. The sense of peace and ease knowing that there is a plan. I wonder if they feel it too.

4. Also I know that there is space built into my day.

5. We toss around a few ideas; I tell them all the other articles have been about artists and I could use a break from that. Yes, let me write about people and place and wine. That sounds good to me.

6. I sit with him and we finish the project in twenty minutes…after two hours of procrastination.

7. Yoga tomorrow.

8. I rest and fold the laundry. Since when did another form of work become a way of resting? I am not resting if I am still working?

9. Risotto and salmon. Forgot to make the beurre rouge. It doesn’t feel right.

10. I love this life now. - Hannah

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. Garbage trucks at 5:15am.

2. Marco Polo catch up.

3. “Dreaming of a better something…”

4. What time are all the meetings? First one at 9.

5. Making it a Wonderful Wednesday.

6. TV on. Supposed to be doing homework. The desks can’t get here soon enough. How many more days? I still need one for myself.

7. I take the meeting outside because this is the first time in too many days that I can see blue in the sky. I shiver a little bit.

8. Systems are so important.

9. Last minute dinner: skirt steak and roasted vegetables and super tiny roasted potatoes.

10. We could literally talk for hours. I can’t wait to have her over for dinner. This is the kind of woman I want to be with and know.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Late.

2. I forgot that at this time of the day no one is really out. Two cars on the road.

3. Birthday morning pastries. 11 today. 11. Almost a teenager. I almost have a house with teenagers in it.

4. Oh yeah, that.

5. I take the call outside just so that I can take a break from being indoors. Slightly clearer skies.

6. Call. Another call. Another call. And more calls tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.

7. I did not make room for rest in the schedule today and now I feel it.

8. I finally read her text. There is a picture of the tag from her tea bag: “walk beautifully, talk beautifully, live beautifully.” Amen.

9. Take a moment to breathe.

10. Birthday sushi.

11. Wall hit.