Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. 3:36am.

2. Can I please just go back to waking up at 5?

3. This just feels so different, so much more right.

4. I tell him that I was reading my horoscope this morning and it talked about me needing to communicate from a place of power and truth. Oh, yeah. That sounds about right.

5. Skinny squirrels.

6. Waiting for the sun to break through. There is fog. Yes.

7. Pressing against windows to steal wi-fi. That box better come tomorrow.

8. Expanding the idea of what’s possible. If I could, what would I do? What can I do?

9. She brings flowers and chow-chow and tomatoes from her garden. We sit on the back deck and talk. A moment of normalcy.

10. Well, maybe if I just stay up later I won’t wake up at 3:30 in the morning again. I go from box to box to box. Leon Bridges is the only thing I can listen to without wi-fi. I forgot how catchy his music is.

11. When is that issue coming out.

12. I know what to do next.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. 3:00am.

2. So hot.

3. Watching the morning sun light illuminate the valley. Vineyard views before breakfast.

4. Surreal.

5. Just say the thing that needs to be said.

6. Spinach and Feta Croissant. Perfect.

7. Both/And.

8. Just say the thing that needs to be said.

9. I still don’t.

10. It’s hot, even in the shade.

11. He grunts and groans and I can see the silver in his hair and the lines on his face. He tells me that the noises are just a thing he does and that he’s been doing this since he was 19.

12. We should get a tutor.

13. No. It’s not my imagination. This is the very most right thing.

14. She helps me put the hammock together. I remind her that she liked it so much that she forgot about her fear.

15. I feel behind. And yet, I know that I will catch up.

16. 5 years, 1 month, 3 days.

17. “What’s next?”

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. 12:46am

2. 2:25

3. I feel a stab of sadness, then worry over the logistics of everything. Is there even enough time? What else can go?

4. I watch the snails. I envy them. I want to return to that kind of slowness. No, not the slowness, the intentionality. I’ve drifted away from it.

5. It’s his birthday. 9. I tell him this is actually a lucky birthday. He’s the the third kid and he’s 9. 3 cubed. Not to mention it’s also a full moon.

6. What are my optimum conditions?

7. The drive is quick.

8. This really was a good idea.

9. The sun is hot but it feels good. Eyes taking in the expanse of the horizon.

10. Now, the next hill.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Big day.

2. Coffee. Baked potato. A peach.

3. I brew a second pot because one wasn’t enough. It’s been a long time since that happened.

4. I try to push away the overwhelm.

5. The interruptions are prolonging this process. I’ve been in here for 2 hours and I’m still not done.

6. Momentum.

7. I try to remember that this is just stress talking. This is just stress. Remember what is waiting for you on the other side.

8. There is still too much stuff.

9. I tell them that this is the most normal thing we’ve done in a long time. I eat the apple crisp with vanilla ice cream and a caramel drizzle and look at the sky. Toasted pecans really do make a difference. Remembering that seemingly opposing feelings can coexist.

10. We let them watch two episodes of “King of the Hill” with us before we send them off to bed.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. 3:46am. This will be a long day.

2. 4:48am.

3. Almost too cold to have the door open.

4. Black dirt on my hands.

5. The sunrise is reflecting off the windows of the neighbor’s house. Rose-gold light.

6. We find someone to give them haircuts.

7. I tell him that I’ve reached the point of overwhelm where I can’t even think. I just keep walking from room to room, staring around.

8. I need something different.

9. I had said I wasn’t going to help anyone move the furniture but there’s a baby in the car and its crying for its mother and so I tell her to take care of the child. I help her partner load it all into the back of his truck, give them a blanket so that the drawers won’t bang against the glass of the cab. I see in them my self from so many years ago: a young family with a young child trying to make it all work.

10. Tomorrow.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Thursday.

2. There are so many that I almost can’t decide which ones I should watch. Baby snails on thin blades of grass delight me.

3. One small glass of orange juice, one peach, one plum, a cup of coffee.

4. I’m totally going to spill coffee on these white pants.

5. I feel a little bit of nerves; a little bit of shake. I should really meditate more, return to intentional movement. The way I am feeling anxiety in my body these days has shifted so much.

6. It’s finally here.

7. I wonder if maybe I need to reconsider how I go about things moving forward.

8. Lavender on the forearms.

9. None of this is easy.

10. I’m never going to get to drive this thing. Ha.

11. I tell her that her dad is kinda right. At the end of the day, you still gotta go do what you gotta do to pay your bills and make a life for yourself. Some of this is just not going to go away any time soon. But does that make me sound hopeless? I’ll use Dorothy’s words from that webinar: I am “cautiously optimistic.”

12. 2019 Abott’s Passage Sightline. 80% Chenin Blanc, 20% Verdejo.

13. I listen to my podcast while I take a shower. He gives me a look. I smile. I have always been fascinated by that which cannot be explained.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Dark. Just a little after 5. I can safely say I no longer need an alarm.

2. Sweater and shorts now. 99 degrees later.

3. Another snail casualty.

4. Deciding what goes where into each container.

5. Okay. So, he’s right. Sometimes I task him with the hardest stuff. I just sign the title.

6. I eat the leftover meatloaf outside and watch the butterflies, white and yellow ones. Oranges are starting to turn orange. There are pomelos now, large and deep green.

7. Progress. Definitely not perfect.

8. Follow the thread.

9. The potentiality of everything.

10. You-fall-ogy. That’s how you pronounce it.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty

1. 4:11am.

2. 4:40 am.

3. I don’t think I stepped on any. Well…

4. Empty corners. Blank walls.

5. He says there’s no need to hide it anymore.

6. I pull on the boots. They are still covered with red dust from my visit to Monte Rosso. But, today, just back to Livermore.

7. No masks, no pictures.

8. But, I don’t want another car.

9. I realize that this is my happy place. Walking and listening. Watching—no, seeing. Searching for beauty.

10. Make it look like what the eyes could see.

11. Small bowl of Doritos while talking to the parents. It is very hot. He shows me his phone: 99 degrees.

12. There is no secret, nothing to hide.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Nineteen

1. Thank goodness. I forgot to set the alarm.

2. Coffee. Snails. Cool morning. I can taste autumn. I can’t wait for autumn.

3. It’s not possible for so much sunshine to get old, is it?

4. Who’s doing to see what’s behind me?

5. Back into the swing of things.

6. That is not at all what I was expecting to hear. But I am also not surprised.

7. I scroll to find the Black Food Folks to see what’s on deck for the day. Yes! Therese. Yes MJ and Sicily.

8. Our chats are my favorite parts of the day.

9. He’s right. I am upset about the car not because I will have to replace it, but because of the nostalgia it holds for me. The car in which we brought him home from the hospital. The car that we drove back and forth from Chicago to Kansas City and to New Orleans. The car that holds way more than you think it can. I mean, I don’t want to buy another car. But also, I’m going to miss this car. But also, can you be that upset about getting 178,000 miles out of a car? She treated us well.

10. I remind myself that his feelings and my feelings are really the feelings but the stress. This is just stress.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eighteen

1. Stillness.

2. Wait. Where is my coffee?

3. I dig the contrast of colors: the opaque cream-colored bodies against the wet black earth.

4. I try to maintain my composure.

5. The smell of summer. I am jealous. I still haven’t gone to the beach yet. Maybe I’ll be able to get there before fall. I must.

6. Picking through memories.

7. It’s going to be a long week but a good week. I just need to make a list and keep my wits about me.

8. “Space of infinite possibility.”

9. We split a cold beer. Progress has been made.

10. Klondike bar.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Seventeen

1. Late, late, late. But it feels good.

2. I hope on to chat with her. We haven’t spoken since May but it feels even longer than that.

3. Cut short.

4. Groceries delayed. What else do we need? There is no steak and no markers. I need the markers.

5. It’s their last practice. I place the blanket under the tree and lay down. They play a game of kickball and toss water balloons and eat pizza. We say goodbye, many of us forever - two families moving away to Arizona. I tell him he was the best coach we’ve ever had for anything. I hope we are able to find someone like him again.

6. We laugh. Nothing wrong with the car after all.

7. We drive home. He’s following me. No more acceleration. Engine noise but it won’t go. I make it over to the shoulder. Never a dull moment.

8. I can’t even be angry. The irony. I laugh to keep from crying. Of course, with everything that is going on, this would happen. Gratitudes: good thing he was still following me, good thing we happen to have the financial resources to pay for a tow and the eventual service, good thing we were almost home.

9. I eat the Early Girls while chatting with my parents.

10. I tell him that, though nothing is perfect, I had a really good life. I got to do and see a lot of things that most people don’t. I need to remember that more.

11. He seems to be coming around.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Sixteen

1. Friday.

2. It’s still so dark out. Wet grass. A whole family of them out in the yard.

3. A chill in the air. I am daydreaming about winter rain already. I don’t think I ever thought I would miss rain as much as I do.

4. Exercises like these excite me.

5. What now?

6. More red Early Girls to harvest. I pop one into my mouth.

7. The hour passes by so quickly. Good thing we set aside the time.

8. Maybe it’s confidence? Maybe it’s a realization that I can lean into trust? Maybe it’s just the energy of this moment?

9. I’ll be sad when stone fruit season is over.

10. He never forgets.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Fifteen

1. I can already sense the shortening of days. The morning light takes a little longer to arrive.

2. But did anyone ask you?

3. And since I didn’t ask, how do I let go of the energy of it and carry it as my own?

4. I worry that maybe I won’t like it because I don’t know if I really remember.

5. Why are my hands shaking? Why am I nervous? I know why I’m nervous.

6. Oddly, not nervous for this. I did not prepare but I think I am saying all of the right things. At least, I’m not pretending. I’m not pretending and that feels right.

7. Bright white.

8. Burger. Fries. Ranch dressing?

9. So much wine. All of it surprising. All of it from Monte Rosso. All of it so well-balanced.

10. Cool breeze through the cabana.

11. She says that her female crews are the best crews because they are fast and immaculate. Of course they are.

12. Is this real life right now?

13. Countdowns.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Fourteen

1. Today’s the day.

2. Clear blue sky. Brilliant morning sun.

3. The minutes slip through my fingers.

4. I keep worrying that I have the wrong address but then I remember that she’s the one who sent the invite, therefore, surely the address is right. I mean, she knows where she lives.

5. It’s so much cooler here than where I was before. It almost looks like it could rain. How high up here are we?

6. Old wood.

7. I find myself mostly speechless. Mostly because I’m taking it all in. Overwhelmed.

8. If only I’d had a little bit of her strength even just 5 years ago. She reminds me that it’s important to celebrate the wins. She reminds me that you shouldn’t let anyone keep you from doing anything you want to do.

9. El Molino Central. One of the best shrimp tacos I’ve ever had.

10. The drive back exhausts me.

11. I kneed the pasta dough and for a brief moment, my mind is quiet.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Thirteen

1. Late. I worry that I will get too used to waking up at 6am.

2. Leftover salmon on a bed of local salad greens. Thick slice of butter. Coffee.

3. I actually don’t mean to be doing this.

4. 13 years. It seems like a lucky number.

5. I take a big glass of water with me, stick my legs in the sun. It is so quiet right now. I close my eyes.

6. That almost felt too easy. Plans excite me. This is only the beginning.

7. She’s drinking tea.

8. Honey-lavender ice cream.

9. The hills look soft, like large golden pillows. I could curl my body to fit into their downy folds, melting into the shadows.

10. Just look at how far we’ve come.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Twelve

1. I don’t have to get up.

2. The slow leaking of light into the room.

3. Coffee and a clean kitchen.

4. 9:30 came fast.

5. But really, we have done quite a lot in a very short amount of time and that is fantastic.

6. We watch some kind of cooking competition with Carla Hall while I do her hair before softball. I can tell by the way they are talking that it doesn’t taste any good.

7. Radical Candor. Integrity. Transparency. Passion and patience. What do I have the power to impact? What am I empowered to do? Productive conflict. Uncomfortable silence. Building a culture of trust. What’s the win-win in this situation? Let go to grow. It’s always about people first but people are never at fault. But are we willing to have courageous conversations?

8. Grateful for access to this kind of conversation.

9. I look at the email for 10 minutes and I still spot a typo right after I send it. Recall. Hopefully it is okay.

10. No soup for you.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eleven

1. Why is he up already?

2. Overcast but I know there will be no rain. Only mid-July and I’m already ready for winter.

3. Where to begin?

4. Why are the end pieces always neglected? The crust is the best part. Toast it twice and slather it with a thick pat of salted sweet cream butter and a thin smear of tart homemade Santa Rosa plum jam. I really did move here for the food.

5. One slice of toast is not enough for 3 cups of coffee.

6. Making.

7. I take a jar of water and the latest issue of Paris Review out to the porch, legs out in the sun. I fall asleep in the chair. I should go lay down.

8. What time is it?

9. He keeps trying to reassure me but I don’t think it’s working.

10. He tells me that I’m going to need a break from my staycation. He’s right.

11. Too big for the lap.

12. Ice cream cone?

13. Duolingo.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Ten

1. The little bit of added joy of knowing there is no work to do.

2. I look up and remember that I have a 7am call. Ha.

3. Coffee. I should probably not eat only stone fruit all day but these nectarines.

4. I roll on the lavender and rub in a little bit of her lotion. This sets the tone for the day.

5. When you feel so excited about the work that it doesn’t feel like work. It does, but it doesn’t.

6. Her face. Her laugh. I can’t wait to see her again. Who knows when that will be.

7. Blueberry laychee on crackers and another nectarine. Half a can of Hogwash rosé. Travel & Leisure.

8. I worry that the way I’ve written it will sound rude. No. I’m just clearly stating a boundary. Yet, I am still too concerned with niceness.

9. Nap.

10. Always learning.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Nine

1. Friday. Almost staycation.

2. I let the ceiling fan hypnotize me. The morning light is so soft.

3. The to-do list isn’t getting much shorter but I’m not as scared of it.

4. I almost put face wash on my toothbrush.

5. Back-to-back-to-back.

6. It seems wild to me that I did almost two weeks of work in one week. I am tired.

7. This spreadsheet makes my head hurt but it’s also good to see. Learning.

8. The more I say these things out loud, the more excited I get.

9. Perfect breeze in the shade. I’m already dreaming about fall.

10. I tell them that it doesn’t feel hard when the people you’re working with are genuinely excited about what they’re doing.

Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Eight

1. Lavender.

2. No more bacon. Don’t want a muffin. I settle on an apple. This is one is too cold. I sound like Cinderella.

3. Bon Jovi to start the morning. Toto. Journey.

4. The hours go by so quickly with her. These are the kind of conversations worth having. Future mind.

5. Impromptu call with her which ends up being the best kind of call to have. She tells me that all of this is happening because I’ve been able to tap into that clarity.

6. I’m talking way too fast; I blame it on the coffee.

7. Not really a vacation. Because COVID. Just intentional disconnection.

8. I don’t recognize the phone number but they’re asking me if I want to shadow them while they do fruit thinning. Then I realize who it is. Yes! Yes!

9. This momentum feels good.

10. He’s not thrilled about his birthday being interrupted.