Ten.One Thousand & Thirty-Five

1. I hear voices. Voices from a tv. I walk the house trying to see if someone is up. No one is. Just my imagination.

2. Still hearing the voices. I get up. Nothing. It must be the combination of the sprinklers and the sound machine playing tricks on me.

3. Water.

4. I am, I am, I am.

5. I listen to the replay and, once again, find myself back in the auditorium. She is indeed giving a sermon; you can tell by the way she talks that she is a preacher’s daughter.

6. “Let this moment radicalize you.” - Devita Davidson

7. “Clarity only matters if we put it into action.” - Therese Nelson

8. I stare up at the clear blue sky. I hear everything: the hummingbird’s hum, the buzz of those giant black bees, the neighbor’s theatrical sneezes. I hear it all and I feel it all.

9. The dread is real and telling. What would it require to shift?

10. “So much of the satisfying work of life begins as an experiment; having learned, no experiment is ever quite a failure.” - Alice Walker

Ten.One Thousand & Thirty-Four

1. Still a headache. I need to work on hydration today. Need to wash her hair today.

2. I get the idea in my head to get a headstart on the work for the week but then I remember I need to guard my time. Don’t slip into the boundarylessness again. Keep pockets of time for self.

3. But what can I do?

4. Wash day for her. I decide we should do it right after breakfast. Way fewer tears than last time.

5. We transplant what needs new containers and plant the starters in proper pots of their own. Well. Now it’s 9:15 am. What else is there to do?

6. The beetle is indeed very large and I can understand why she would sleep so uncomfortably on the sofa instead of in her own room.

7. Margarita and chips and guacamole for lunch. The last class makes us both tear up. Yes, this is what we moved here for.

8. I try to block out the conversation.

9. I crush the garlic in the mortar and pestle and then understand why she prefers the suribachi. I whisk the egg yolk while slowly drizzling in the olive oil. We will dip the potatoes and chicken in it.

10. “The human species is a kind of animal, of course. But we can do something no other animal species has ever had the option to do. We can choose: We can go on building and destroying until we either destroy ourselves or destroy the ability fo our world to sustain us. Or we can make something more of ourselves. We can grow up. We can leave the nest. We can…make homes for ourselves among the stars, and become some combination of what we want to become and whatever our new environments challenge us to become. Our new worlds will remake us as we remake them. And some of the new people who emerge from all this will develop new ways to cope. They’ll have to. That will break the old cycle, even if it’s only to begins a new one, a different one.” - Parable of the Talents, pg 321

Ten.One Thousand & Thirty-Three

1. It’s early, I think. What is today? Today is Saturday.

2. The last thing I remember in the dream is a baby Dash asking for more rice while sitting in a high chair. The cheeks!

3. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.

4. Leftover broth and noodles for breakfast. I think I could eat dinner for breakfast on most days. Unless it’s a Belgian waffle with fresh strawberries and big clouds of whipped cream.

5. It’s still cool but I face the sun and drape a blanket across my legs. Just need the fog to lift a little more and then I should be okay.

6. A different map of the tongue.

7. It takes too long.

8. Garbling meditation. The scent of lavender is soothing.

9. I am bothered even though I shouldn’t let it bother me. There are more important things to be bothered by. I try to refocus on Alice.

10. The water is hot, too hot. Extremely hot. I tell him it makes for a good bath, though. Water that is too hot means that the bath lasts a lot longer and I do have a book I want to finish.

Ten.One Thousand & Thirty-Two

1. Up later than usual but it doesn’t matter.

2. What day is it? Today is Friday.

3. Hard to find the snails. Maybe because we didn’t water the yard last night?

4. So good to hear her voice and to see her face. Seeing her mailbox numbers makes me a little sad. I remind myself that it’s okay to miss the past while being excited about the future.

5. I miss the rain.

6. I am a corner full of light. I am a flower blowing in the wind. I am muffled exaltations.

7. More pictures from two years ago at the ranch. I can’t believe it’s been only two years. How is that even possible? I remember that last night and how I said I knew that I would be living in California soon because it just felt like home. I sometimes forget that I am living in/out a dream.

8. I could listen to Dr. Harris talk all day.

9. Their conversation makes me want to transport myself back to Resistance Served. Can I have that same feeling of complete wholeness, please?

10. He told me I could literally just use a branch to propagate a tree. Now to figure out how I can get branches from the neighbor’s fig and lemon tree. Ron makes me feel like I can do anything.

11. His question is valid. It’s just that I have no answer for it. It’s just that I know there’s nothing I can say that will fit into his current framework.

12. Reading material.

Ten.One Thousand & Thirty-Two

1. Up later than usual but it doesn’t matter.

2. What day is it? Today is Friday.

3. Hard to find the snails. Maybe because we didn’t water the yard last night?

4. So good to hear her voice and to see her face. Seeing her mailbox numbers makes me a little sad. I remind myself that it’s okay to miss the past while being excited about the future.

5. I miss the rain.

6. I am a corner full of light. I am a flower blowing in the wind. I am muffled exaltations.

7. More pictures from two years ago at the ranch. I can’t believe it’s been only two years. How is that even possible? I remember that last night and how I said I knew that I would be living in California soon because it just felt like home. I sometimes forget that I am living in/out a dream.

8. I could listen to Dr. Harris talk all day.

9. Their conversation makes me want to transport myself back to Resistance Served. Can I have that same feeling of complete wholeness, please?

10. He told me I could literally just use a branch to propagate a tree. Now to figure out how I can get branches from the neighbor’s fig and lemon tree. Ron makes me feel like I can do anything.

11. His question is valid. It’s just that I have no answer for it. It’s just that I know there’s nothing I can say that will fit into his current framework.

12. Reading material.

Ten.One Thousand & Thirty-One

1. Thursday? Thursday. Last day of the month. How is it already the end of April?

2. The list for today is short but sweet.

3. He said it was a sad sight.

4. There were still too many people in there even though they were wearing masks. Still too close. Still walking right by you, sometimes brushing against you to squeeze down an aisle. This will not work.

5. I ask myself if my actions are actually laying the foundation for what I really want to see in the future. Have I been fooling myself into thinking that I’m doing it differently?

6. The sentiments in his essay echo thoughts I had just written in my journal. This is good. This means that there are some of us are operating on the same wavelength within the collective consciousness.

7. Stay off the screen.

8. But this sun.

9. I realize that I have to de-condition myself from expecting even my books within 48 hours. Still learning how to wait.

10. I watch the Gangsta Gardener while sitting in the garden. I hear the thud of lemons. They are big and round, the size of softballs.

11. 80s hits for dinner-time music.

Ten.One Thousand & Thirty

1. It’s only 3:18. There’s no way I’m going to fall back asleep.

2. Remember to take a Zyrtec today.

3. This. Behold the beauty of multi-use clothing. I iron out the wrinkles and slip it over my head.

4. It’s good to see her face. Really see her and talk to her. I think of her forsythia and the big maple in front of her house. I think of her last October under the umbrella at Scribe.

5. I tell him that all of my friend-chats this week start with J: Jennette, Julie, and JJ! He is not as amused as I am.

6. They’ve outfitted them with black masks, everyone.

7. I tell him that I actually can’t listen to his albums anymore. That I literally wake up every day with one of his songs stuck in my head. We laugh. But seriously, no more.

8. She asks if she can make lemon bars. I point to the small pile of lemons on the chair that I collected this morning.

9. I miss their delivery, but I know I needed a time out.

10. The thought: They didn’t like it; they hated it. In fact, she hasn’t emailed me back because they need to edit too much of it. Feeling behind the thought: Fear coupled with Imposter Syndrome. They will never ask me to write anything again; I am a hack after all. Reality: She told me they had meetings this week and that she wouldn’t even really get to it until maybe today. They may have other, more important things to address besides my tense shift. Or, the original thought could be accurate, but it doesn’t mean that I’m a hack. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it.

11. Gratitude for tools that allow me to analyze my own thought process to keep me from spiraling.

12. Just point it to where you want it to go.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Nine

1. It feels warmer in here than I want it to.

2. The birds are the loudest before the first light of day. Their loud songs remind me of mornings on the ranch.

3. Celery juice. Fresh apple and carrot and ginger. That feeling you get when you feel like you just need to start everything over. Erase everything. Begin again.

4. Coffe on the chaise, no children.

5. Will they touch?

6. Her in her hat. Her voice. Her laugh. I thought this was going to be the year I got to sit with her in her garden.

7. Bike ride for recess. They’re mowing down the grass at the park. Thank goodness. Maybe next week we can have a baseball unit for recess.

8. I just can’t imagine how anyone will be able to go to school by late July. I wonder about his reasons for saying that. But I assume it must come back to money. And, if people have to go back to work, school is, in a way, a form of childcare.

9. What would it look like for us to maintain the aspects of quarantine life that nourish us?

10. The light is just too good.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Nine

1. It feels warmer in here than I want it to.

2. The birds are the loudest before the first light of day. Their loud songs remind me of mornings on the ranch.

3. Celery juice. Fresh apple and carrot and ginger. That feeling you get when you feel like you just need to start everything over. Erase everything. Begin again.

4. Coffe on the chaise, no children.

5. Will they touch?

6. Her in her hat. Her voice. Her laugh. I thought this was going to be the year I got to sit with her in her garden.

7. Bike ride for recess. They’re mowing down the grass at the park. Thank goodness. Maybe next week we can have a baseball unit for recess.

8. I just can’t imagine how anyone will be able to go to school by late July. I wonder about his reasons for saying that. But I assume it must come back to money. And, if people have to go back to work, school is, in a way, a form of childcare.

9. What would it look like for us to maintain the aspects of quarantine life that nourish us?

10. The light is just too good.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Eight

1. I’m not really asleep anymore.

2. Remember to see the haiku in everything.

3. Early start to the day. Setting the intention. Remembering the whys. Doing something which sometimes means doing nothing.

4. It all seems so much easier once you write it down.

5. There aren’t as many snails on the patio. Temperature? Is it because we didn’t water the back yard? Have most of them completed their journey? Am I just too late?

6. She asks to go on a bike ride for recess. We join her. The streets are quiet save the mail truck and one car zooming around the curve. I think of that picture of Leishla on her bike. It does feel like flying.

7. Officially extended.

8. No one wants to make dinner. But this morning I told myself I wanted to spend more time in the kitchen because I know it nourishes me.

9. I just miss my friends. That’s all.

10. Why am I still awake?

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Seven

1. Pre-dawn’s pale blue light. Shadows.

2. I make a mental list of what is to get done today. What do I need to set myself up for the week ahead? What do I want to do? What is it that I don’t want to do?

3. I tell him that no, I didn’t have it before though. I never experienced it in the same way I do now.

4. The resistance is really just fear and so I remind myself that the opportunity wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t already prepared for it. There is no reason for me to be afraid. And, didn’t I say that this is what I wanted?

5. Invisible weights lifted.

6. So quiet. I think of the last time I left the house. A week? We all lose track of the days, remind one another at mealtimes even though there’s a calendar on the wall. Time has no meaning. Time has always been a construct.

7. She makes me laugh. She also gives me just the right amount of advice. I had been googling the wrong words and that is why I couldn’t find my answer. But really, everyone needs someone who is willing to push you.

8. I tell her that she’s the second person today to ask me about my book. Message received.

9. I put the book down. It’s making my anxiety go up.

10. Just grateful.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Six

1. I hear the clacking of the blinds first and then I hear his feet making their way across the floor. I was starting to rouse anyway.

2. Need water.

3. I check on the snails. Two babies. Two teeny, tiny babies make the morning just right.

4. Scarf down the hashbrowns to get to the coffee faster.

5. The words are there.

6. The thin cloud cover makes being under the sun a little more tolerable. There is a cool breeze. I drag the hammock stand so that my legs will feel the sun.

7. Dappled light on blank pages.

8. I keep catching myself looking at their faces and wondering how it’s possible I gave birth to all three of them. Who let me be responsible for the care of humans? How strange it is to have the capability of bearing and raising life when one knows so very little about the world.

9. Bargaining for pieces of candy.

10. I just want to be done.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Five

1. Warm. Too warm. I forgot about this.

2. If I get a weighted blanket will I still be too hot? Do I need a light summer blanket? Must find a solution.

3. Shredded wheat and coffee before the last day of lecture. I double-check the campaigns for work and then settle in.

4. Today I feel fully present, in more ways than one. “Everything is a haiku.”

5. Where will I uncover the epiphanies? The epiphanies are in everything.

6. I think I have a decent start here. I can do this.

7. All the notifications telling me that my events have been cancelled. I tell her that this is a time of surrender. And then I wonder how often “surrender” is confused with “giving up.” It is not giving up but arriving at some kind of clarity about which battles are worth fighting. I no longer and fighting for certainty. I can only surrender to uncertainty and then make the next best choice based on the information immediately at hand.

8. They eat all the leftover croutons.

9. This one, this one also has a candied cherry quality but the acidity is still high and left a little bit of residual sugar to mitigate the bitterness. Best served very chilled when it’s 90 degrees outside.

10. He chuckles. “You did that by propping your phone up on a water bottle?” I just needed to create.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Four

1. Bird song. The sun will be up soon. The morning air feels more humid than usual.

2. I just want some bacon. How come no one wants to eat bacon anymore?

3. Space.

4. I can’t seem to focus today. Must be the self-imposed pressure.

5. School is taking place on the sofa today. The three of them, quietly working. We have another month of this. I think it will be okay.

6. A few more sentences but I can’t seem to think. I lay in the hammock to shake things loose. The neighbor is reaching over the fence to harvest oranges. They do belong to him but why the need to reach over the fence? We both pretend like we don’t see each other.

7. I realize that I need to get off the screens. My eyes are tired from all of the scrolling.

8. It tastes a little bit like a watermelon Jolly Rancher.

9. Ribs.

10. I remind myself that this isn’t a thought I need to keep.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Three

1. What is that light? Where did it come from?

2. I wonder if there is a tiny piece of lemon bar for me to have with this morning’s coffee? Maybe she can make them again this weekend.

3. But the shell on this one.

4. Huh. Look at that it. Turns out I’ve never seen anyone clean my beer glass the correct way.

5. He has me read the letter from the school district. I’m not surprised. Between the Governor’s refusal to give a timeline and that 6.8% increase in confirmed cases yesterday, I had a feeling we wouldn’t be starting school in July.

6. Which means, in some ways, that I get a little bit of freedom back.

7. I step out into the sun. They ask if we are looking for a new house yet because we really need a pool. I mean, it’s the firsts day over 80. Calm down.

8. “Besides receiving the damaged item today, how’s your day going?” “Russ, I can’t really complain. I live in California. It’s sunny and hot and it’s beautiful. I really can’t complain.”

9. I show him the first round of her designs. I’m giddy. “You could have never done that.” “No. That’s why I haven’t done anything with this in 3 years. And I didn’t really feel like learning how to do it.”

10. It doesn’t take much convincing to just order the pizza. I don’t really want to cook anyway. I just want to sit in the sun.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Three

1. What is that light? Where did it come from?

2. I wonder if there is a tiny piece of lemon bar for me to have with this morning’s coffee? Maybe she can make them again this weekend.

3. But the shell on this one.

4. Huh. Look at that it. Turns out I’ve never seen anyone clean my beer glass the correct way.

5. He has me read the letter from the school district. I’m not surprised. Between the Governor’s refusal to give a timeline and that 6.8% increase in confirmed cases yesterday, I had a feeling we wouldn’t be starting school in July.

6. Which means, in some ways, that I get a little bit of freedom back.

7. I step out into the sun. They ask if we are looking for a new house yet because we really need a pool. I mean, it’s the firsts day over 80. Calm down.

8. “Besides receiving the damaged item today, how’s your day going?” “Russ, I can’t really complain. I live in California. It’s sunny and hot and it’s beautiful. I really can’t complain.”

9. I show him the first round of her designs. I’m giddy. “You could have never done that.” “No. That’s why I haven’t done anything with this in 3 years. And I didn’t really feel like learning how to do it.”

10. It doesn’t take much convincing to just order the pizza. I don’t really want to cook anyway. I just want to sit in the sun.

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-Two

1. Well-rested.

2. I realize that there is a scheduling conflict which means that I have to miss them today. How did I miss that little detail?

3. I get the big Bialetti out and grind the Coltrane because I feel like one very good cup of coffee. Boiled eggs and beet horseradish. Should have made bacon.

4. I remind him that my beer class starts today and how I was reading the book and seeing similarities to wine and how I’m excited to learn a little bit more. Beer is also cheaper.

5. Happy to see so many of us on the call for this. So grateful that Mike put this together. So grateful to have space in my schedule to study this.

6. Maybe too much coffee?

7. I stay outside and finish my work. The warmth of the sun. The scent of cigar smoke coming over the fence. Voices between my ears, fingers trying to keep up with the words.

8. I stop mixing the sauce and walk over to the desk, grab a pen and a yellow pad and scribble down the sentence. And then three more. And then two more after that. There is the last line and the start of the piece.

9. I can hear music. I’m tucked away in the office. It sounds like a party. I roll my eyes but the music is good. I step outside to figure out where it’s coming from.

10. “They say that if you’re saying stuff on the internet and you don’t make at least one person mad, then you’re not really saying anything important.” We laugh.

11. Oh, but, the lesson in this is that I still care too much. Is that a thing?

12. “When will I learn to love being disliked?”

Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-One

1. Up before the alarm but that’s a good thing.

2. I run through the list of to-dos for today and it seems long.

3. Set the intention.

4. She says I set my expectations too high. That I already know better. And also: boundaries.

5. I read the words and then I start to worry. I tell myself that the worry is just imposter syndrome at work. The thought doesn’t make the heart stop its fluttering.

6. Words of affirmation.

7. I watch the snap of net as the ball goes through. There’s something so satisfying about the sound and the visual. Snap-swish.

8. The two of them go on a bike ride together. Back too soon. The handlebar on the newly assembled bike was too loose, he fell. He’s fine but they walked the bikes back.

9. Mojito Monday.

10. Everything will be fine.

11. I start to read before my eyelids get too heavy. There is so much information here, so much. This will be good for me, though.

Ten. One Thousand & Twenty

1. Morning light creeping in.

2. I decide to reheat a biscuit and slather it with butter. Oranges.

3. They’re still sleeping and this quiet is just right for a Sunday.

4. Still a little cool, even in the sun, but I crave the fresh air. Their roses are deep fuschia and bursting. I also have new yellow blooms. Nature keeps on giving.

5. I type out the list of questions, move them around, think about the logistics of things. I’m just happy to finally have it on the schedule.

6. The heat of the sun on my bare legs.

7. Kale and mustard greens and swiss chard, broccolini. I will need to find a good recipe for kohlrabi. Potatoes and oranges are welcome. Wine is an added delight.

8. I tell him we’re going to have to start rethinking how we buy from them because, well, they aren’t good people. And we shouldn’t give them our money.

9. I can’t offer what I think they really need and that feels disheartening. I think back to the article that said how much his wealth has accrued during the pandemic and think about all the good that could be done with it. I shake my head.

10. Early to bed. Is it just a case of the Sundays?

Ten.One Thousand & Nineteen

1. It feels like it's time to get up.

2. Forgot to send the re-cap. It probably doesn't matter, but I don't like it when I forget to do things.

3. Coffee on the chaise.

4. He asks me if I'm working. I'm only working a little bit. And then there's this project, and yeah, I could try to work on it during the week, but I don't have the mental space Monday-Friday. This is the only time to move this particular project forward.

5. I break and fold the cloth napkins. The fresh air is coming through the open door.

6. The neighbor and I talk, distantly, of course. She says they can't find spices or produce in the store. I tell her we do the CSA box from the farm down the street. It's not cheap, but it's a better value than selecting items on your own. We talk about having to get our spices delivered. Her daughter started cooking and wants to go to The French Laundry. We laugh. I say, "maybe for her 21st birthday."

7. So much sun.

8. I start to make a list of questions. What do I need to know? What will make the most sense? "What is the one question you don't want to be asked ever again?"

9. These are the best cookies she's ever made.

10. Early to bed.