Ten.One Thousand & Twenty-One

1. Up before the alarm but that’s a good thing.

2. I run through the list of to-dos for today and it seems long.

3. Set the intention.

4. She says I set my expectations too high. That I already know better. And also: boundaries.

5. I read the words and then I start to worry. I tell myself that the worry is just imposter syndrome at work. The thought doesn’t make the heart stop its fluttering.

6. Words of affirmation.

7. I watch the snap of net as the ball goes through. There’s something so satisfying about the sound and the visual. Snap-swish.

8. The two of them go on a bike ride together. Back too soon. The handlebar on the newly assembled bike was too loose, he fell. He’s fine but they walked the bikes back.

9. Mojito Monday.

10. Everything will be fine.

11. I start to read before my eyelids get too heavy. There is so much information here, so much. This will be good for me, though.

Ten. One Thousand & Twenty

1. Morning light creeping in.

2. I decide to reheat a biscuit and slather it with butter. Oranges.

3. They’re still sleeping and this quiet is just right for a Sunday.

4. Still a little cool, even in the sun, but I crave the fresh air. Their roses are deep fuschia and bursting. I also have new yellow blooms. Nature keeps on giving.

5. I type out the list of questions, move them around, think about the logistics of things. I’m just happy to finally have it on the schedule.

6. The heat of the sun on my bare legs.

7. Kale and mustard greens and swiss chard, broccolini. I will need to find a good recipe for kohlrabi. Potatoes and oranges are welcome. Wine is an added delight.

8. I tell him we’re going to have to start rethinking how we buy from them because, well, they aren’t good people. And we shouldn’t give them our money.

9. I can’t offer what I think they really need and that feels disheartening. I think back to the article that said how much his wealth has accrued during the pandemic and think about all the good that could be done with it. I shake my head.

10. Early to bed. Is it just a case of the Sundays?

Ten.One Thousand & Nineteen

1. It feels like it's time to get up.

2. Forgot to send the re-cap. It probably doesn't matter, but I don't like it when I forget to do things.

3. Coffee on the chaise.

4. He asks me if I'm working. I'm only working a little bit. And then there's this project, and yeah, I could try to work on it during the week, but I don't have the mental space Monday-Friday. This is the only time to move this particular project forward.

5. I break and fold the cloth napkins. The fresh air is coming through the open door.

6. The neighbor and I talk, distantly, of course. She says they can't find spices or produce in the store. I tell her we do the CSA box from the farm down the street. It's not cheap, but it's a better value than selecting items on your own. We talk about having to get our spices delivered. Her daughter started cooking and wants to go to The French Laundry. We laugh. I say, "maybe for her 21st birthday."

7. So much sun.

8. I start to make a list of questions. What do I need to know? What will make the most sense? "What is the one question you don't want to be asked ever again?"

9. These are the best cookies she's ever made.

10. Early to bed.

Ten.One Thousand & Eighteen

1. Go and watch the snail friends and remember to take it slow.

2. I drink my coffee slowly, quietly. I start to get up and then remember there is no where to go.

3. Why is it that they always need me right when this gets started? One ear on the group and one ear on the child trying to help them.

4. The exercise is simple but profound. I will use this again. I need to get this book, I think.

5. I tell them that my word for this time is Pandemic Pace. I also see the privilege in being able to be grateful for this slowing down.

6. It wouldn’t be so bad.

7. Is it retrograde? Why is it that communication seems to be failing this week? Check the charts. Or maybe it’s just me.

8. I could get used to sitting here.

9. We move his room around in order to accomodate the old love seat. I don’t like the way the furniture is arranged. Visually, it upsets me. But he says the 12-year old doesn’t care. All the boy cares about is having a sofa in his room.

10. I need to cool down from my bath. I step outside onto the patio and feel the cool night air. The only sound is that of the palm trees rustling in the wind.

Ten.One Thousand & Seventeen

1. Fresher. The benefit of falling asleep before 9pm.

2. Fancy coffee or regular coffee? After having proper beans, it’s hard to not notice the lack of depth in the regular coffee.

3. Thirsty.

4. I figure if I just get started now, I’ll still be done with enough time to do the other work.

5. What do you call a large gathering of snails?

6. The roses are just.

7. I’m the first one out in HORSE today, which is kind of a relief. I just want to sit in the sun.

8. We get more dirt and transplant the peas. I noticed one little tomato plant is also starting to grow. I need a plastic tarp so I can make a mini-greenhouse for the seedlings. Maybe this weekend.

9. How this is all playing out dampers my excitement. I mean, I’m still excited, but I wish this was going more smoothly. But it will be fine.

10. I don’t know what to read, so I just pick up that last issue of HBR to finish in the tub. Remember to share the article “Creating a Trans-inclusive WorkPlace.”

11. “I think talent is a grace, an unearned gift, and it comes with an obligation to use it as well as you can.” - Dean Koontz, Harvard Business Review

Ten.One Thousand & Sixteen

1. Sometimes the generic version just isn’t as good. Take this English muffin, for example.

2. I wait to brew the coffee. I need more water anyway.

3. Still nothing. I send an email. I get a reply. This conversation is not in my scope of duties. I better forward it along.

4. “These are big potatoes,” I say.

5. Desk-dance break. Gooey by Glass Animals

6. Why am I eating chicken noodle soup while sitting in the sun? But the heat on my face feels good. And the heat from within my body feels good. But now, I’m also sweating, and that doesn’t feel too good.

7. They choose HORSE again for recess. The big kid wins this time, but narrowly escaping the littlest. Fresh limeades for a refreshing drink. They do puzzles during quiet time. Note to self: buy more puzzles.

8. Sun, sun, sun. I reclaim the hammock while I research.

9. I should be writing.

10. “People like you to be something, preferably what they are.” - John Steinbeck, East of Eden

Ten.One Thousand & Fifteen

1. Just a little more time.

2. I pick out the sweater, but I know I’ll need to change after lunch. It will be too warm.

3. I make the coffee and then clean off the whiteboard. I make a schedule for the day. I don’t think they’re going to like it, but we all need it. Besides, there’s plenty of free time. Maybe too much free time. Perhaps I’m too idealistic.

4. So many snails. This one looks like he has a little more fire in him.

5. Waiting for the details.

6. Time for recess. We play HORSE. I lose to the 8-year old.

7. So much sun.

8. I ask him why he keeps coming in to talk to me instead of asking his father. “Did you just walk by Daddy to come to ask me a question?”

9. Beets. Forgot to make the beet horseradish. Maybe tomorrow.

10. So hot in the sun. Margarita because it’s Taco Tuesday.

Ten.One Thousand & Fourteen

1. Monday. Is it a work day or a holiday? I will work.

2. We still meet, but just a little later. I need more time to make the French Press anyway. It’s so worth the wait.

3. He remembers that he’s going to go to the store for the groceries that did not come in the other two deliveries.

4. I apologize for not anticipating needs.

5. Sunshine. I must get myself out into the sunshine today.

6. I tell myself to calm down. Grateful for the ability to catch the thought, to try to rework it in my mind right now.

7. Hummingbirds and butterflies.

8. He brings me a mojito with mint from the pot in the backyard. I like these more than I thought I would. Mojito Monday can be a thing.

9. Really gotta get them back on a schedule. But also, do we need to?

10. I listen to the album again. It might be the 10th time in 3 days.

Ten.One Thousand & Thirteen

1. Got to hide the eggs. It looks too wet outside. I’ll just hide them inside the house.

2. I make the scones. I think about adding a glaze but then remember that they will probably eat mostly jelly beans for breakfast.

3. I watch the coffee bloom.

4. They ask about baskets but I say that I couldn’t get them this year. They shrug their shoulders and take a tote bag to hunt for eggs.

5. There are still so many blessings in this.

6. I click the links and then save them so that I can print them later. I listen to a few of his interviews on NPR. We have a lot in common. This could be fun if it still happens.

7. Sway in the breeze. So many dandelions. We could make flower crowns.

8. It’s not that I’m angry. I’m just thinking and the thinking gets interrupted. And that’s what frustrates me.

9. Prime rib. Mashed potatoes with duck fat. Asparagus. Fresh rolls. Rioja.

10. 504 Girl.

Ten.One Thousand & Twelve

1. What time is it?

2. I open his door and hear him snoring. Good. How many times did he wake me up? Maybe I can get a nap today.

3. I smell the coffee as soon as I step into the kitchen. I tell him it smells like coffee shop coffee. Simple pleasures.

4. The way the bird of paradise looks electric in the glow of the morning sun.

5. I start to clean out the corner by the desk. It is full of things from Fever Dreams and baskets and frames, loose cords and papers. I find pictures of them getting their first library cards and old school pictures.

6. We both have Leo sons. We both feel like this time is for us to lean into what’s calling. I don’t feel particularly helpful, but I am grateful for the connection.

7. I say that for eyeballing it, two degrees isn’t that bad. He doesn’t seem to think so. It’s even now, though. I hang a garland of her rosebuds, the Turkish towel, my gray scarf. Beside it, I hang a white ceramic saguaro. This little vignette makes me happy. Now, for a bench. Or maybe I reclaim the settee from the girl.

8. Hammock. Sun so hot I begin to sweat. I put on shorts and take off my sweater. I hold the magazine above me to block out the sun. The heat feels good on my legs. Oh yes, now it’s coming back to me. I remember the slow burn of summer.

9. I keep looking at imagery, trying to find what fits the words, the feeling.

10. I realize that I have eggs, but no baskets. It’s probably okay. We can figure it out.

Ten.One Thousand & Eleven

1. The alarm has not gone off yet. Just the sound of ocean waves.

2. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. I scoop the last of the coffee beans into the grinder. I wonder if the coffee from Red Bay is coming yet. Maybe I don’t need to drink coffee anyway. I am trying to rest, after all.

3. Probably didn’t need the brown sugar.

4. Tuesday group on a Friday.

5. If this is really the end, I’m not going out feeling stressed and depressed.

6. I realize that what I’m experiencing are actually mini panic attacks. I should probably lay off the coffee.

7. I miss the best parts of the writing group, trying to help her download and print and upload her math. I’m frustrated. It is what it is.

8. We talk about quarantine life and New Orleans and otherness and the books we’re reading.

9. The roses are exploding. I clip them, use the blade of the scissors to remove the thorns.

10. I head over to the hammock and flood my ears with Leon Bridges. I inhale the scent of orange blossoms and feel the breeze blow through my hair.

11. I face toward the sun and drink the Sangiovese while he tries to reassure me.

12. “Did you have sock hops when you were in high school?” “Sock hops? Oh my god, you’re so old.”

Ten.One Thousand & Ten

1. It seems a little dark.

2. I make the bed while he grinds the coffee beans. Speaking of beans, where is that order? I’m sure it will be here sometime this week. Won’t it? Who knows. Who knows anything any more.

3. Double-check the campaigns and scheduled posts, yesterday’s sales. Write a list of questions that are really just for yourself.

4. I try to make a list of things that will be easy to get for Easter. There isn’t very much. Or there isn’t enough of the right things. Talking about getting groceries makes me anxious. Neither of us wants to go.

5. That cough.

6. I feel the anxiety in my throat again, and I don’t know what it is precisely, it’s just there. Again.

7. I read the email, and my eyes start to tear up, and then I run into the kitchen to tell him. It’s a big deal—a big deal for me.

8. I will not let this scare me.

9. I stir the onions and the celery and the garlic. Stir, stir, stir. Think of all that I still need to do.

10. I bring a tiny bowl of chicken noodle soup and the last glass of Chateau St. Michelle Dry Riesling. We laugh. We talk about the pandemic. We talk about how ourselves or people we know have been sick and whether or not it was the virus. We talk about food and books and airlines.

11. I wonder how long this will be how we talk. I agree with her; I am already beginning to get tired of being on the computer and doing this. And yet, it’s better than nothing. But I also wonder if we just need to learn how to be alone.

12. I’ve got work to do.

Ten.One Thousand & Nine

1. Motivation today is high. Ride that.

2. I double-check the calendar. Three calls today- one for work, two for fun. I like this balance.

3. Surprisingly helpful.

4. I come out from the office and no one is at the table and working. I make him get off the phone and check-in with the kids. We need a better system.

5. No leftovers. In between grocery items. Not enough to make the right things.

6. We find the other masks. Grateful that we happen to have the right kind. Grateful we bought extras because of the fires that were burning when we moved here. Grateful for the fires? Just grateful to be able to believe that things happen for a reason.

7. I laugh. I needed the laughs. I didn’t realize how much I needed to laugh. We talk about everything: wine and food and work and systemic racism and the absurdity of what happen on “Below Deck.”

8. This is why I like her. I really like people who deal in Truth.

9. Pasta. Focaccia. The big kid makes the brownies.

10. He found his bubbles from last Easter. The three of them are in the back yard playing with bubbles. Now they’re playing limbo. All this because the internet is down.

11. Just keep doing what you’re doing.

Ten.One Thousand & Eight

1. Don’t want to get up. Feeling unprepared for the school day.

2. Make the bed. Fold the blanket and flatten it against the bed. Do something that gives a sense of completion.

3. Why am I pretending that I’m not going to eat the other half of the bagel?

4. Okay. If I can just get one hour of work in before I try to make them do work…

5. I tell her she doesn’t need to start her work until 9 but she just wants to get it over with. She is her mother’s daughter, that’s for sure.

6. I think these look good. This is good. Satisfied.

7. I get out into the yard so that I can finish up the rest of the work and get the vitamin D. I need the light. I need the warmth. Dad calls. I’m being asked to clarify a memory; they tell me that I am the holder of the unadulterated memories.

8. I show him the rose bushes and the nectarine, lemon, and orange trees. He gives me some suggestions. I had forgotten that he worked as a landscaper in college.

9. First IG live. Not bad. I probably ought to invest in a stand for the phone if I decide to do more of these. Also, I need more lighting in the office. Also, this is kind of fun.

10. He asks me how many people were there. I say that I’m not sure, that it didn’t matter to me. What excited me most was the conversation and that she asked me questions no one’s asked before. That’s what made it enjoyable for me.

11. “I was crying out of anger.” “Or, you were crying because you were tired. I’ve known you all your life.”

Ten.One Thousand & Seven

1. Monday. First day of learning at home. But first, coffee.

2. I sit down and write a list of what needs to be done today and think that maybe I will bounce back and forth between the office and the dining room.

3. The older ones don’t want to wake up but we need some kind of routine again. We must have some kind of routine.

4. It takes me way longer to set them up than I thought it would. I feel the frustration rising. Some links are not working. Other links are. We aren’t sure what the order of the assignments really ar. Every teacher has a different plan. I tell them to just work on whatever they have access to.

5. I tell them no chromebooks except for school work. Two of them go and play UNO on the floor. They are loud but they are together and that is most important.

6. Someone gets back on their chromebook anyway. I can’t care because I have work to do. Now, I get it. It is not so easy to be managing them and myself at the same time.

7. If I wasn’t working this would be much easier.

8. Some white grape from Germany that I can’t recognize. This Italian wine is Negroamaro. Can’t remember if I’ve had this varietal before. I like it.

9. I’m tired. I am rested but still tired. I know that it is just from feeling all the things at one time, all of the time.

10. Fill my eyes with pretty things before I fall asleep.

Ten.One Thousand & Six

1. More rain.

2. The soft gray light falling on everything. Coffee. Morning pages. The children are still asleep.

3. What I want to do is go back to bed.

4. It’s just myself, her, and her husband, which is just right for a Sunday where I’m feeling very coherent. Nerves.

5. Imposter syndrome.

6. But to share space in this way, with words, with wine, with presence and attention. We need art right now. It’s the artist who will have a big hand in shaping what is to come.

7. Generator, 3/5.

8. She says it’s like anticipatory grief. I liken it to having the Sunday blues but every day is Sunday. I don’t want to go back. Why would anyone want to go back to that?

9. Risotto without the Parmesan because I forgot that we didn’t have any. But it’s okay. We drink the Pinot Noir from Navarro.

10. Just be in response to life and trust your intuition.

Ten.One Thousand & Five

1. The problem is that as soon as he turns off the waves I wake up. Which means that if he doesn’t sleep, neither do I.

2. Lucky Charms.

3. I watch the video of the chef breaking down the duck. I can do this; it’s not that much different from breaking down a chicken.

4. My battery is running out. I sit on the floor, close to the outlet so that we can finish our conversation. We laugh. We talk about serious things. Maybe there is some hope. We feel okay about nothing ever being the same, though there is still some grief surrounding this feeling.

5. Hot ginger-lemon tea infused with cinnamon. I stay on the floor and talk to my brother next.

6. I just wish I was there. I really wish I was there.

7. I want the words but it feels like the words don’t want me. This has been the story for too long.

8. But the potatoes.

9. Raft Sangiovese. I might have a hard time blinding this as a wine from the new world. Earthy, great acidity, bright fruit that is present but doesn’t dominate. It’s clear to me that her wines are meant to go with food, not overpower it.

10. They want the Pinot Noir Juice as their dessert. He shows him how to use the wine key to remove the cork. I can’t decide if this is a good idea.

11. Where are the words?

Ten.One Thousand & Four

1. Friday. Friday? Friday.

2. Pre-dawn quiet. The candle hisses after I light it. I watch the flame for a moment.

3. I had told myself that this was the week we would get back into a routine but I’ve been too distracted. We can do it though. On Monday. We’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.

4. There are only 6 of us. I see her name and her face and I realize it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her. This feels like a good group. I am still intimidated.

5. I am transfixed by this image. Good art does this-transfixes.

6. The letter says they don’t anticipate us returning for the school year, that this is not meant to be stressful and to communicate with them if it feels that way. Sad that the only way institutions are willing to be (act) compassionate is when faced with a crisis.

7. What am I even going to read?

8. I lay in the hammock, coffee table jazz station in one ear and a book in my lap. The sky is blue and clear. The scent of orange blooms rides the breeze and fills my lungs. At least there is this.

9. I somehow managed to make the kale too salty. I’ll put it in a frittata.

10. Too much.

Ten.One Thousand & Three

1. We get to “meet” today. It’s been too long.

2. Pops.

3. Coffee with them, via the screen. This is better than nothing. Much better. And yet.

4. So much sun. Must get out there today. Hammock time?

5. So many tech issues. The majority of the faces on the screen looked stressed or confused. I realize that I’ve taken my comfort with technology for granted. The teacher says he just wanted to connect and see his students’ faces. He doesn’t think we will return to school. He’s grading on a pass/fail. He asks parents to communicate with him if the work is too much. We’ll miss this teacher.

6. None of this is easy.

7. Dance and sing and clean. Laundry. Try to forget about checking the news. Stay away from the ‘gram.

8. So much coughing. Even with the medicine. He says his side hurts then coughs again.

9. “When we let ourselves see the possibilities instead of the improbabilities, we become as flexible and resilient as we really are. It is human nature to create. When we cooperate with our creativity, using it to live within the lives we actually have, we surprise ourselves with our level of invention.” - Julia Cameron, The Sound of Paper

10. Giggling.

Ten.One Thousand & Two

1. I hear him saying something quietly, and then I hear the coughing. 3:44am.

2. I close my eyes and hear the cough again and get up to get him cough medicine. I try to go back to sleep but google cough remedies and double-check COVID-19 symptoms because that is what a worrier does.

3. I close my eyes but don’t really go back to sleep.

4. So much coughing.

5. This morning, a whole family of snails. I watch the smallest one climb the stacked landscape pavers. How slowly they move.

6. It must be how I chugged that beet juice. I hope it’s just that.

7. I forgot how time-consuming this particular kind of work is.

8. I love the parts of our ride where Mt. Diablo is in view. No clouds. Not as quiet. More people out post-lunch? There are new blossoms on some of the trees. A lonely lemon in the gutter.

9. He asks me if I want the rest of the Syrah. Of course, I want the rest of it.

10. When the message gets repeated to you over and over and over again, and you realize you just gotta do it. However you can, in whatever small way you can, just do one simple thing to stay connected to it. One simple thing to move it forward.