Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. I should get up but I don’t want to get up.

2. Biscuits and breakfast sausage.

3. I feel like everyone is talking to me at the same time. No one can seem to contain themselves. And it’s kind of a good thing.

4. What’s that noise? Three squirrels chasing one another through the trees, knocking of cherries and leaves.

5. Just get started.

6. It’s amazing to me how much our lives seem to run parallel. And how strange it is to feel such kinship with someone you’ve yet to meet in real life.

7. Scattered. Scattered. Scattered.

8. I stop working and take my tuna tacos with spicy slaw out to the hammock. The quiet, the sun, the trees. Remember to savor.

9. She does taxes for small businesses. And she is a photographer. And she wants to know more about my retreat. And she lives down the street. And she’s wearing an ankle-length tye-dye dress. She might be my kind of people.

10. Will either of us be able to sleep tonight?

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Everyon is already up and it’s only 5:50 am.

2. I’m a little short on white flour. Hopefully the oat flour will do.

3. Teeny tiny guy.

4. He looks so handsome in his white polo and his blazer. He comes over and tells us that it’s a little bit but maybe he can wear it a lot more in the fall. What is it about litle kids in fancy clothes?

5. We realize that it’s been far too long since we last spoke. I think about how long we’ve known her and how large our children are getting. We talk about the writing life and all that comes with it. We talk about motherhood and gratitudes and regrets. We promise to not let as much time pass by before we meet again.

6. He’s so excited to have us there. I’ll take it. He has no baby pictures but at least I can be here for everything.

7. It’s worth the wait.

8. I keep moving the hammock in order to keep half of it in the shade. I want my head cool and my legs hot.

9. It is him!

10. Too much. Too much.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Already? Already?

2. An instant oatmeal kind of morning.

3. I whisper his name to rouse him from sleep. “Don’t forget that I still need my costume,” he says with his eyes still closed. I chuckle to myself. That’s exactly what I’d expect him to say.

4. She insists on wearing the costume for the field trip. I haven’t had enough coffee yet to try to talk her out of it.

5. All of the pieces are coming together.

6. I know he won’t walk away until I ask him why he’s grinning.

7. I want to tip her but there’s no tip jar. I ask her if I can still tip her and she refuses but with a smile. I’ll find another way to pay it forward.

8. I feel like I’m tripping out. Two clouds becoming one cloud becoming three clouds. It’s like some kind of alien web. I keep closing my eyes and opening them again.

9. Sun, sun, sun.

10. Well. This is going to be interesting.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. I let my eyes stay closed a little longer.

2. I put on his green sweater. I think of how I used to wear it when I was pregnant with the first one. His jeans too.

3. I drive over there for the bagels but the bagel place is closed. It’s okay. It’s good to get out first thing and see the fog hugging the sides of Mt. Diablo.

4. Coffee outside on the patio. I’m reaching for the light. The coffee is hot. I haven’t felt so comfortable in a long time. I think, maybe, I just really needed the extra sleep.

5. Just let it go.

6. But in a way, it’s like we already know each other.

7. Tacos and chips and salsa and guacamole. But it was the watermelon with some chili powder, lime juice, and salt that surprised me the most.

8. And then the time is gone just like that. That’s when you know it’s been a good time.

9. I call them from the back patio. It’s 100 degrees there, he says. That there’s something like the opposite of a polar vortex happening there.

10. The Art of Slow.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. Donuts.

2. The cinnamon roll is disappointing but it still goes well with coffee. I take my plate and cup to the sofa. Because the light in here just feels good to me.

3. I leave witout saying very much.

4. The sound of a water bottle sliding back and forth as I make my way around the curves. It’s too far for me to reach back and get.

5. I decide to catch up on The New Yorker Poetry podcast. Safiya Sinclair reads Natalie Diaz and then one of her own pieces. Poetry does wonders for the soul.

6. Invisible Mother.

7. I go back to the car to eat my lunch, a spinach salad with blue cheese and spiced pecans and dried cranberries and some thin slivers of leftover bacon.

8. This is the kind of blackness you could get lost in.

9. Food is not just food.

10. It’s hard not to stare and be so full of wonder.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. Blueberry crisp.

2. Is there a such thing as too many hugs.

3. I always get so nervous right before we begin.

4. She always tells me that she wishes I didn’t have to work on the weekends. The sting of mom guilt.

5. Why he needed to stick his head through the fence to eat the grass is beyond me. But aren’t we all curious about the things that are just out of reach?

6. It’s interesting how boundary-less some people are.

7. This is the first time but probabliy not the last time.

8. Is there a cheese that won’t make me break out? Because I really like cheese. I really want to eat a lot of cheese.

9. The way the ligt is hitting the hills. The way the vines roll across the hills. The way the birds fly overheard. Something about the light makes this view look like a vintage photo.

10. Why is it that when a woman expresses displeasure people look at her like she’s unstable. Maybe what she is is just tired. Maybe she actually just needs more help. Maybe it’s just gaslighting and aren’t women always getting lit?

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety-One

1. I show her the video I put on Instagram and she comments on how fast the snail is moving. She runs inside to get some nailpolish to mark the snails. Tomorrow we’ll see who returns.

2. I try to help everyone figure out how to piece together a lunch. Sunflower butter sandwich for one, leftover pasta for another, and the oldest makes a bold choice of leftover grilled salmon and a tomato salad.

3. Coffee.

4. I decide to just wing it. I only need to make it through 3 days.

5. Proposals first and then I can do the 3rd thing on the to-do list.

6. This one had good reviews. The woman behind the counter greets me immediately. It’s a small space but packed with beauty supplies. The wishes me a blessed day. It is, by far, the friendliest non-black-owned beauty supply store I’ve ever been too. Totally worth the 20-minute drive.

7. Afternoon shower.

8. I can’t see the gaps.

9. Just a little longer.

10. That feeling of being so tired that you have no thought at all. Just a blank state. A less ideal form of meditation.

Ten.Six Hundred & Ninety

1. There aren’t enough eggs to make the blueberry muffins. What to do, what to do.

2. The two youngest make pizzas from the last two pieces of garlic naan. The oldest makes himself a roast beef sandwich. Cold coffee. I have to repeat myself too much.

3. Big yellow roses.

4. I had forgotten that I needed to tell a story. I don’t know if I did it well. She’ll edit out the weird gaps and hesitations, I hope. But I also think about how important this story has been for me. Bluebeard. Bleeding keys. You can’t run away from the truth.

5. Feeling whole.

6. They don’t make the plates anymore.

7. Burger. Moscow Mule. Key Lime pie with fresh whipped cream and toasted coconut. Views of the hills. There’s a space with the hillside is cut out and you can see the layer of the rock. Blue, blue sky. Yes. This doesn’t even seem real sometimes.

8. Still so much on the to-do list. I don’t care.

9. Roasted chicken and creames spinach except I realize that I forgot the cream. I make a bechamel instead. How did I get to the point that I know how to make a bechamel without a recipe?

10. We forget how much we know.

3 Wines to Celebrate National Chardonnay Day

I have to be honest with you. Chardonnay is not my favorite varietal. I’m quite partial to reds and when I do drink whites, I tend to look for less common wines made from grapes like Vermintino, Gattinara, or Verdichio. I’ll never turn down a bottle of aged Riesling from Alsace or Germany. And I will joyfully gulp down glass after glass of Assyrtiko. But Chardonnay? Well…

Most likely I just had too many bad experiences with Chardonnay early on in my wine-drinking career. It’s really easy to do. Chardonnay is made in so many styles that it can be hard to find one that tastes just right to you. But as I say in the tasting room, if you’ve tried 22 Chardonnays and have yet to find one you like, try drink number 23. It’s really only a matter of time before you find one you love.

So, in honor of National Chardonnay Day, here are 3 easy-drinking wines I love. Happy National Chardonnay Day! Leave a comment or email me to let me know some of your favorites.

Louis Jadot Mâcon-Villages Chardonnay AOC

While France is not exactly the birthplace of winemaking, it is from the French that we learned much of what we do know about wine thus my first recommendation is a Chardonnay from the Mâconnais region of Burgundy, the home of some of the world’s greatest examples of Chardonnay. Wines from this region may have a rounder mouthfeel compared to its friends up north in Chablis, but they will present the classic Chardonnay aromas and flavors of white flowers, apple and citrus, and the zip of minerality that I love in French whites.

Mount Eden Vineyards 

The vineyards of Mount Eden sit on a mountain top of the Santa Cruz mountains, about 15 miles inland from the Pacific Ocean. It’s the combination of the high elevation and the cooling ocean breezes that allow these grapes to ripen while also maintaining bright acidity. The use of new French oak adds hints of baking spices and stirring of the lees adds an element of creaminess, yet acidity still manages to cut through.

Wente Vineyards Eric’s Chardonnay

Yes, it’s true that I work here but I’m not being paid to mention this wine in this space (I save that for the tasting room). Wente Vineyards (the first family of Chardonnay!) makes 4 different still Chardonnays and this one happens to be my favorite. It hails from Livermore Valley, a place that most people think of as too hot to grow good grapes. However, what makes Livermore Valley different from many other Californian apellations is its east-west orientation that allows the cool breezes from the San Fransciso Bay to pull through the valley, dropping the nightly temperatures—sometimes by as much as 40 degrees. Eric’s Chardonnay is 100% stainless steel fermented which keeps the wine bright and fresh with flavors of crisp apple and pear, and a citrusy acidity.

Bonus: Wente Vineyards Brut

Yeah, yeah. Another Wente wine but I’m putting it here because

1. Who doesn’t like bubbles?

2. It’s made from 100% Chardonnay so it counts.

3. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it.

The Chardonnay grapes for this wine are grown down in the Arroyo Seco appellation in Monterey, California. This cooler Californian region is known for Chardonnay and Pinot Noir, thus making it the perfect place to source bright, fresh fruit for sparkling wine. Made in the traditional champagne method, this sparkling wine has aromas and flavors of crisp green apple and that brioche goodness that Champagne lovers adore.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. Little bits of gray light leaking onto the bathroom floor. My feet are cold but I like the look of the bare floor.

2. This thick cut bacon takes too long to cook.

3. Why haven’t I been adding strawberries to my water?

4. I can’t hear her, she can’t hear me, we have so many things to talk about. What is it that won’t let us connect right now? We still manage a few key things anyway.

5. It feels quieter this time but I think it’s just the time of the year and maybe everyone just has a lot going on right now.

6. She tells me I’m not charging enough. It’s humbling to hear. It’s also validating. It’s also anxiety-inducing.  This is a good opportunity for me though.

7. I think of all the things I’m missing and then remember that what I already have is what's gotten me here.

8. What is the robin doing? Back and forth, back and forth. I realize she’s grabbing the rotting leaves at the base of the pond and placing them in a tree. She’s making a nest. Here I am thinking of the ugly mess that is the rotting leaves at the base of the pond, wanting the mess to be all gone and here she is making art.

9. Studio booked.

10. Cedar plank salmon, beurre rouge, risotto, sauteed spinach, Goldeneye Pinot Noir.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. I don’t want to dream about work.

2. The snail is gone. I forgot to check on it last night but it’s definitely gone today.

3. He’s on the sofa. Something about that long body scrunched up on the loveseat. And in a long robe. 11 going on 40.

4. All of their faces and their voices. I miss those Tuesdays.

5. Scattered.

6. I realize what it is . I tell her that they were reminders that I need to be able to access those feelings in order to feed my creativity. I keep avoiding that story. In avoiding the story I avoid the feelings. And if I am not able to feel the feelings, I can’t create.

7. Next time I’m making my hummus just like this.

8. We practice restraint. Instead of fun and funky I ask him if we can focus on the examinable grapes.

9. Open House night. I’m having one of those feelings of being incredibly uncomfortable. Foreign. I don’t know how any of this is supposed to go. I remind myself that next year will be easier because we’ll get to start from the beginning.

10. Everything takes time.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. What’s that little guy doing on the window?

2. They are worried that the snail will die. I tell them that it’s just nature and that sometimes snails will die. They want me to open up the screen. I tell them that unless they are going to pick it up with their handsand place it in the grass, it’s going to just stay there. No one wants to touch it.

3. That might be enough coffee.

4. Free settee. He tells us that it’s been in his family for years. I get to love it now, too.5

5. He’s smiling and talking. I tell him that he looks well-rested. He agrees that he feels good and that he’s not tired. I gotta get him to sleep more.

6. I had forgotten how much I like downtown Pleasanton.

7. At the end we joke about how our husbands react to us meeting people from the internet. I’m glad we made time for this today. These little meetings with kindreds make everything a little easier.

8. Cool, almost cold.

9. I clean her room because her room needs it the most. No, this is not cleaning. I’m throwing things away because she is sentimental and messy and scattered. I listen to the New Yorker Fiction podcast, Emma Cline reading “The Metal Bowl” by Miranda July. Something about the story makes me want to cry. It’s not the particulars of the story, or maybe it is. No. It’s because in her own odd way, Miranda July has found a way to touch on an aspect of womanhood that we often don’t talk about.

10. So much cleaning.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. Why am I so tired?

2. Cinnamon loaf and fruit and coffee. He’s upset because I won’t let him have both cereal and the cinnamon loaf. One carb. Fruit, water, and protien if you’re still hungry dude. He is not one for balance.

3. More coffee. The time to go has come too soon.

4. Cold.

5. The sun breaks free for a moment. When you’re under it, it feels so warm. But I know the rain is coming back.

6. Is this for real? Is she emailing me? This is a divine sign. If she thinks I could do it, then maybe I can. Keep speaking it out loud. Things will begin to happen.

7. He tells me I’m beautiful. Old dudes full of wine. He’s nice though and from Chicago. He knows Naperville and North Central College.

8. I think of the panels at the Forum. Also, he quit. I can’t believe that.

9. But really, I can’t believe she emailed me.

10. I tell her that I am having fun here. That I’m happy. That I’m tired. But the good kind of tired.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. Okay. What is on tap for today?

2. Rain yet? I see a little bit of sky through the window slats. I put on the pink earrings. They are funky and a little weird but the most perfect color.

3. I’m glad I kept my winter coat.

4. He did it! He hit the ball! To go from crying in the outfield to getting a hit that gets a run home. You could see the joy in his face. We’re all rooting for him.

5. Too loud.

6. Why didn’t I pack an umbrella? I walk two blocks in the rain. This new Bounty Hunter is so pretty. A little more posh than the original one in Napa. Blue-green penny tile on the bathroom floors. Leather straps on the banquet seats.

7. Beer Can Chicken, grilled veggies, french fries for balance. Phillips Hill Gewurtztraminer.

8. And then suddenly you realize that what you thought would be a 1-hour lunch has turned into a 3-hour lunch. The both of you agree on smore’s as a dessert.

9. Mind full of possibilities.

10. Work tomorrow but I predict a slow day which will leave plenty of room for dreaming.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. Cloud cover.

2. Quick menu plan. I think of the portion of the book where they talk about the kitchen. About the woman who wanted to enjoy cooking again in her kitchen. And how it was just a matter of making the space funtion in a way that supported that desire. Maybe that’s what I’m missing.

3. Eucalyptus and Chamomile.

4. Fog still hugging Mt. Diablo. I can’t yet see the peak. But I notice the trees and the little bit of green still hanging around. I wonder if some of the hills will regain their color with this rain.

5. But really the cutest little baby. I tell her that I have no regrets and that makes me very happy. Prosciutto and manchego and olives and almonds and goat cheese and strawberries also make me very happy.

6. She shakes her head when I say that I wonder if I’m cut out for traditional work.

7. He grills the meat and I make the broth. I’m excited to drink Taquine at dinner.

8. Everyone will think I’m crazy but I’m wearing the ankle-length parka to the baseball game. It’s a little cool and once the sun starts to set the wind will begin to blow and it’s going to be cold.

9. Foul ball. Foul ball. Foul ball. At least he’s making contact at this at bat. I think it was the catch to end the last inning. He just needed a little bit of confidence.

10. They do make scrub brushes with long handles and an angled brush and that pivots 180 degrees!

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. Oh, yes. The English muffins.

2. The sound of the rain. The smell of the rain. This is the kind of day that makes you want to curl up in the corner of the sofa. I wonder if they’ll cancel the vineyard tour.

3. I release myself from the shame of buying them Lunchables twice this week. I tell her that next year I’ll get my act together.

4. Batonnage sweatshirt, jeans, rain coat. I think I’m ready for this.

5. Rain drops on roses.

6. Newly grafted vines. These will be Cabernet Franc. They hope the birds won’t like to eat them as much as they liked to eat the Malbec.

7. But it really is just a beautiful place. Even with the cloudy skies. We slide a little bit in the mud. I ask her why viticulture. I’d choose viticulture too if this had been my backyard.

8. Some of them hold more than 15,000 gallons. I like the word “glycol.” Tractors and forklifts. Hoses.

9. The smell of barrels.

10. It almost seems crazy to tell a person that it’s not worth the money. But it’s not worth the money. One of our jobs is to remind one another of our shared values. And to support actions that are in alignment with those values.

Just Sit Down and Write

(I’m going to take the disappearance of the original draft as a sign that I’m supposed to just keep practicing getting my butt in the chair and writing, which is what this post is supposed to be about anyway—just sitting down and writing.)

I’m a writer. I’ve been a writer for as long as I’ve been a reader which means I’m going on 30-something years of knowing that words are my lifeline, that this is the work that I’m meant to be doing. I don't think that our dreams are random. I believe that we dream our dreams because our soul already possesses the knowledge and raw skills that are required for us to materialize those dreams. Knowing that you are capable and acting on with those capabilities are two different things. What is it that keeps us from action?

For the past few years, I’ve set out to be a writer. Not just a writer, but a writer who writes poetry. A writer who writes about food and about wine and about the people behind the food and the wine. And yet, here I sit without any of it made visible.

I want to talk about how life-changing it is to have crisp, green lettuce on a burger. I want to tell you about how this wine I drank today (2017 Liocco Pinot Noir from the North Coast) manages to be juicy with fruit flavors but not overripe. And then there’s the petite brunette who left a career in finance to follow a passion for wine, crafting unique and balanced blends named after obscure yet strong women in history.

I mean, yeah. I can do that.

But there are a few things that I’ve let block me and maybe they’re blocking you too. (If there’s one thing I’ve learned after all these years of sharing stories on the internet, it’s that despite how different our lives may be on the surface, many of us are trying to navigate the same struggles.)

1. Thinking that I lack the right qualifications. What does this even mean, anyway, this lack of qualifications? Aren’t you a writer if you are someone who writes? If we continue to wait for external validation that we are capable of pursuing our dreams, we’ll spend most of our lives anxious, depressed, and full of regret. I’m completely guilty of this and it’s my biggest hurdle. Even though I know that I have the smarts and work ethic to do anything I want to do, I am afraid that my lack of training/experience/certificates/degrees means that no one will take me seriously. And a lack of qualifications might make people discount me—but only for a short while because once one has committed themselves to do the work, the work becomes your source of credibility.

2. Thinking I don’t have enough time. Yes, I'm a full-time mother of three and a wife and I work part-time on the weekends at a tasting room. I'm also working on building up my own business here in a new state after a move across the country. My life is full. Maybe even beyond full. But for as full as my life is, I spend a good chunk of my day scrolling through Instagram and checking my email. I’ve gotten this far in the post and it’s only taken me 20 minutes. More than 550 words in only 20 minutes! 500 words in 20 minutes, twice a day is 1,000 words. 1,000 words a day for a week is 7,000 words which is more than enough for published articles or a short story or a good chunk of a novel. What I’m saying is: most of us have at least 20 minutes a day that we can put toward crafting a dream. Consistency and focus, even in little bitty bites, add up.

3. Thinking I have to do it alone. When I look over my past successes, I can see where key relationships played a part in helping me move forward. Whether that was gathering the courage to crowdfund a literary magazine, getting over my fear of collaboration to work with women in different time zones to weave together retreats and workshops, mentors in my head or mentors in real life who gave me insight and encouragement. Success does not occur in a silo. But it takes a little bit of courage and vulnerability to be willing to make the ask. So, I’m working on asking for help when I need it. Turns out I need a lot of it. And I’ve also learned that most people want to be of service. I know that nothing makes me happier than to be able to share what knowledge I do have with others who are in need of it. I have to believe that there are others willing to do the same for me.

And thus here we are. I've sat. And I've written. And I hope to do it again, and again, again. (Turns out, it's really not that hard.)

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. We need breakfast.

2. Remind him that today is a short day and that we can’t be gone for too long.

3. The smell of rain. Will probably need to pick them up from school today. What will be for dinner? Today feels like a soup day. Yes. Maybe soup.

4. Just write.

5. I read Seth Godin while “The Price is Right” trickles into my years. The receptionist doesn’t look all tha friendly. Auto repair places are so similar.

6. I don’t know what I expected, but I definitely didn’t expect the drink to be so pretty. Pale pink with dried rose petals and a dried stick of thyme. Refreshing grapefruit.

7. Lioco 2017 Fox Block XIII Pinot Noir, North Coast

8. One is darting in and out of the bike lane and the other is riding some other kids’ bike. They ask if we followed them. Just when you think you could trust ‘em.

9. Something about the exchange. I wonder if people know that when they do things like that, it turns off a pottential customer. That’s three in one month. I could also be taking it too personally. But really, sometimes you just know.

10. 4 for 4.

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Little leaks of light.

2. Pre-coffee conference calls. But that’s just going to happen when you’re separated by so many time zones.

3. Chilly. But I’m still going to wear the dress because…softness.

4. A whole house to myself for the day is some kind of luxury. A belated Mother’s Day gift. There’s still laundry and granola crumbs on the floor but I’m alone and it’s quiet.

5. Every new process gives me a little bit of anxiety. But I’m doing it. I’m doing it.

6. Hammock and Seth Godin. I can’t see the hummingbird but I can hear her.

7. When he comes home I want to say to him, “What are you doing giving your teacher a hard time with the hood?! Did you not know that her father is dying of cancer?!” I think of how there is no way of stopping to do the hard heart work of grief. Our culture doesn’t value the dying. We hardly value the living.

8. But really, I have to believe in myself first.

9. Leftovers for the win.

10. Who’s talking?

Ten.Six Hundred & Eighty

1. Already.

2. Snails, snails, snails.

3. I tell him no more hoodies in school since he’s still wearing the hood in class. I think about the fact that we’re going to middle school orientation today and that when he gets to middle school he can’t. He just can’t. Because I’m afraid that he’s still a black boy in a school full of white teachers who.

4. Do the work.

5. I tell her that I didn’t get the internship. She says he agrees, that I am over-qualified. That it’s probably a good thing it didn’t happen.

6. Choker. Rainbow colored pens in the apron. She’s a little bit awkward, but nice. She knows the regulars. We are not regulars, yet. But we remember that we really liked the Xinomavro. I substitute spanikopita for the melitzano salata. Add garlic fries.

7. Little bits of brownies.

8. Hammock, journal, butterflies, hummingbird. I find the just right spot under the tree.

9. There’s a group of higih schoolers eating dinner together. They’re saying “please” and “thank you,” ordering maki rolls and pot stickers and having quiet conversation. They are a diverse group, full of smiles, all five of them. I find myself noticing the older kids and thinking of them in different ways. They give me hope for the future. I can raise kids that have quiet conversations over dinner in a restaurant too.

10. But just go to sleep.