Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty-Two
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He’s already here. Again.
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I understand the problem now. They miss all the free time in the morning before going to school. So the plan is to get up earlier and earlier. I need to figure out a solution to this.
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Rainy morning. LIght is slowly coming.
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I look back and then remember he is not with me but I still hear his voice singing along. He will always sing along with me.
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She tells me that she can see the joy radiating out of me. I believe her. I can feel it. I feel different.
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I keep reminding myself that it’s an early day. Don’t forget it’s an early day.
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925. Livermore. I should probably answer this.
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I don’t like shopping. Love clothes. Dislike shopping. I wish someone else could do this for me. But I find a pair of black booties, plus a $20 coupon in my email, plus $15 left on a gift card.
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I feel like I can do anything.
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She ends me an email with a list of her favorite things in the bay area and it’s the kind of thing that is so thoughtful that it makes little tears form at the corner of my eye. The sweetness of it is overwhelming and maybe it’s just because I’m up way past my bed time.
Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty-One
1. His alarm is going off. “Oh, it’s 6 o’clock!”
2. The youngest one has already beat me to the kitchen. “Will you please cut my apple,” he says with a jig. He always has a jig.
3. Imagine Dragons station as we roll out of the driveway.
4. Their voices and their faces on this Tuesday. It is the same but also not. And yet I needed it more than I realized.
5. No sun and so today the hills look more gray than brown.
6. La Note.
7. I miss this kind of buzz. Youthful energy.
8. This new pick-up strategy didn’t work. We all agree to go back to the old way.
9. Back to flash card life.
10. She makes me promise to wake her up at 6:05. I will probably regret agreeing to this. But the way she smiled at me made it so hard to resist.
Ten.Five Hundred & Twenty
1. How is he always beating me to the kitchen?
2. Pre-make the waffle mix so it’s ready to go. Realize that it’s in a box that’s still taped up. There is still unpacking to do.
3. I keep saying that I’ll quit but there really isn’t a replacement for this. At least I’m down to 1.5 mugs a day.
4. I could really go for that Apple and cherry galette right now.
5. I grab a lemon off the ground. It’s not too soft yet. I reach up and tug on the ones that look the most yellow but none seem ready to release themselves. I check the oranges and pomelos, think about what I could put in containers in the back corner.
6. The light. The light.
7. Warmed tomatoes and feta on the porch with flash cards.
8. The afternoon comes too soon.
9. Fraud alert.
10. I do want to do that.
Ten.Five Hundred & Nineteen
1. I should still be the only one awake.
2. The elf.
3. I put my donut on a plate and she asks me why I’m putting it in the microwave. “Oh yeah, the only proper way to eat a Krispy Kreme donut is hot.”
4. The light. The light. December and all this light. Not just the light but also the warmth.
5. I keep thinking about how he said my life looks so fascinating. I suppose, in a way, it is. But it still makes me want to rush to Instagram and make some sort of disclaimer: “Object is messier than she appears!”
6. We drive to the library but it’s closed. The façade looks new. I hope they pumped it up full of good books and reading spaces.
7. Rectangles of light on the dining room floor. I walk back to the door and step outside, barefoot, no coat. The warmth feels good. I sit down in the chair, close my eyes, and throw my head back.
8. This is a thing one could cry over.
9. I see the dissonance in my thoughts and now I can transform it.
10. That’s what I want. A hype squad.
Ten.Five Hundred & Eighteen
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He beat me here. Claims that he just woke up.
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Thick cut bacon. Eating a banana to hold me over until it’s done and I can eat the scrambled egg with the bacon and some toast.
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Unsalted butter. I sprinkle a little bit of flaky sea salt across the toast. Much better.
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Mt. Diablo as clear as day. Hills dotted with oak trees. The way the clouds make shadows across the land. I need to pay attention to the road but my eyes can’t help but look up and down and all around.
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But where are the computer mice?
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There are still more boxes to unpack. I find the one full of things from Fever Dreams: rose garlands and the bee rattle, died silk and paper. Less than a year to go.
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Artist to artist. It’s funny just how connected you can become to another person through their images and words through this little app. But yeah, we are the 10% we speak about. We are the few who sometimes feel a little odd but also very real.
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Laundry. And laundry. More laundry.
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And now I can buy Sunset Magazine with so much ease.
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He’s wiping his eyes with his napkin and I’m singing Christmas carols which is basically the same thing as crying for me, isn’t it?
Ten.Five Hundred & Seventeen
1. I talk myself into getting up and out of the bed before the alarm.
2. Too much time spent on trying to get this bun to sit right.
3. New-to-me Coffee. A lighter and sweeter flavor than we typically drink but still very good.
4. We’ve learned the magic of the short loop. It will always be faster to use this half-circle.
5. The brightness of the sun.
6. Corsican, French, Italian, Alsatian. She picks the wines. What an adventure.
7. Chez Panisse.
8. I tell him I’m glad I got a chance to see Kermit Lynch in the flesh. Because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to retake the certified exam, but it gave me a little bit of energy to get back to my studies.
9. All of this. We get to enjoy all of this forever.
10. Smaller tree. Shorted out star. Shorted out color lights. And I’m okay with it. Choosing ease, deciding to let it be imperfect. Maybe this will be the trend going forward.
Ten.Five Hundred & Sixteen
1. Shouldn’t be too surprised he’s up this early.
2. John Mayer. Live acoustic version of “Why Georgia.” I wish it was “3x5” because the clouds do indeed look like mountains.
3. She apologizes for yawning. “It’s okay. It’s early,” I say. “It’s only early when you’re trying to do too much,” she laughs.
4. We keep telling each other that everyone seems so nice here. I don’t think we’re imagining it.
5. Cleaning day. The first one with all the kids gone. Once again, the ordinary acts of being root me.
6. Feist. Beyoncé. KT Tunstall.
7. Everything is so saturated. I’m okay with this kind of winter.
8. Duolingo.
9. But if I were to describe the colors of the leaves, I don’t think I could find the words that would communicate their intensity.
10. So much beauty everywhere.
Ten.Five Hundred & Fifteen
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Up before the alarm.
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Today is the short day, which I’m kind of dreading but also looking forward to.
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The light is slow to come today. The street it filled with fog.
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Note to self: use the smaller circle for drop off.
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He’s off to Santa Rosa which gives me a good solid chunk of time alone. I dig out the headphones. Wait, first I need to find that elf.
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He would probably tell me to leave it alone but I just want to make sure I’ve tried at least one more time. I just want to make sure I’ve tried my best even though my gut tells me that space is what’s needed.
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Sadness still.
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They say it feels like a Saturday. Yes. This is the bonus of the short day.
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Time at the basketball court. Who said we wouldn’t get color or feel the seasons change here? The clouds are just low enough to cover the tops of the hills and obscure the turbines.
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There’s a season for everything.
Ten.Five Hundred & Sixteen
1. Shouldn’t be too surprised he’s up this early.
2. John Mayer. Live acoustic version of “Why Georgia.” I wish it was “3x5” because the clouds do indeed look like mountains.
3. She apologizes for yawning. “It’s okay. It’s early,” I say. “It’s only early when you’re trying to do too much,” she laughs.
4. We keep telling each other that everyone seems so nice here. I don’t think we’re imagining it.
5. Cleaning day. The first one with all the kids gone. Once again, the ordinary acts of being root me.
6. Feist. Beyoncé. KT Tunstall.
7. Everything is so saturated. I’m okay with this kind of winter.
8. Duolingo.
9. But if I were to describe the colors of the leaves, I don’t think I could find the words that would communicate their intensity.
10. So much beauty everywhere.
Ten.Five Hundred & Fourteen
1. Today.
2. So glad I made them get cereal for breakfast. Also, who doesn’t like a bowl of Kix once in a while?
3. They are so tired.
4. They can play on the playground before school starts.
5. She might be one of the few 3rd grade girl who extends her hand out for a shake when introducing herself to another kid.
6. Displaced. They say it so nonchalantly. It most be normal here. But I hope he can be at the home school with his siblings soon.
7. Oh, but there really is no hot water coming through this valve.
8. “Nice house, bad plumbing,” he says slowly with a Japanese accent.
9. I’m a little early but really it looks like I’m right on time. I’m worried that I’m doing this wrong. I’m worried that they didn’t have a good day. I’m worried that someone will feel forgotten. Here and then there and then back here again. I can do this. I’m crying a little bit in the car.
10. A car full of happy children. And maybe I’m crying a little bit again.
Ten.Five Hundred & Thirteen
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Scones.
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The lemons are still turning yellow. I don’t understand how any of it works but the fruit is still ripening.
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That moment when you eat your own cooking and are amazed. Why are these scones so particularly light and fluffy?
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The four of us arrive at the school. The two women at the desks seem friendly enough. There isn’t enough room for all three of them here. This makes me a little nervous.
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I let them pick out the foods they think they’ll need for lunch this week. Because now it’s time to get back to school. No one seems to be worried. They aren’t excited but they aren’t nervous either.
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All of the linens are finally clean again.
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We walk down to the park with a few basketballs. It’s quiet. School is not out yet but there is a small gathering of moms and children at the park. It’s clear enough to see the hills and the turbines.
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The leaves are red, so red.
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I still love this succulent surrounded by white rock.
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The anger isn’t anger. Fear, maybe. Disappointment, maybe.
Ten.Five Hundred & Twelve
1. The sound of heat blowing through the vents.
2. More sweet potatoes in the blue bowl.
3. The sun is coming up and I remember what she said about making space for myself. I go to the garage door and drag the iron chairs to the front alcove. I find the cushions in another box and attach them to the chairs.
4. Needs something else.
5. I can still hear the screaming.
6. They don’t like that they touch while sitting in the back seat.
7. The sun feels so warm. The heat is pulsing through the black shirt. Yes.
8. Sandwiches and chips overlooking the valley. They keep arguing over who gets to stand on what rock.
9. He asks me if I want anything from Bouchon too. I realize that I can come whenever I want. So, no, nothing today, because I can always come back tomorrow. And I almost can’t believe it.
10. I keep forgetting about the time change.
Ten.Five Hundred & Eleven
1. I start to worry about what I’m going to do after she leaves. I’m already feeling the ache. The ache of loneliness.
2. But I remember that this is also good. This is a good feeling. This is what I wanted to happen from me moving here. I know my people are here. She will leave today but others will come in the future.
3. Where do you feel full?
4. Hugs all around.
5. Paperwork. I write the same things over and over again. I don’t have a paystub with our new address. Maybe a bank statement will work? I will call Monday morning. I just need them back in school.
6. Robin and I catch up for a bit. We share realizations that have set in since our last conversation. Also, I’m really ready for liberated lines again.
7. Yelling and the sound of water coming out with speed and pressure.
8. Thank you for being so kind and all but can you do what you need to do in order to stop the water from flooding the kitchen?
9. So much water this week. There is a metaphor and a lesson in this.
10. Sun making my legs warm. I don’t even care right now. Because I’m warm. I am in the light. I am light.
10.1 The root is miscommunication. No one is hearing the same thing. No one is saying the same thing. No one remembers it exactly the same way. How do we lace compassion and forgiveness through the gaps?
10.2 Actually, Napa does sound like a good idea.
Ten.Five Hundred & Ten
1. Quiet house. Captivated by twinkle lights.
2. I think it’s rain but it’s actually the sound of the heat pushing through the vents.
3. The smell of bacon.
4. A bowl of sweet potatoes for breakfast and then coffee. I play memory at their feet.
5. We try to find a coffee shop near by but the only one I know of is closed. And so is the bagel place so to Safeway we go.
6. Icing for cookies and popcorn for a garland.
7. I needed this.
8. They’ve each decided on a shape and they take turn pressing their cookie cutter into the dough. The way they’ve been together is beautiful.
9. Where is the void?
10. “Is Ms. Melinda your friend?” “Yes, sweetie. Why do you ask?” “Because they feel like family.”
10.1 I stand at the kitchen sink for the meditation. Every squeeze of the sponge is some kind of release. Pushing the mop brings me back to my body.
10.2 I needed this.
Ten.Five Hundred & Eight
1. 5:30.
2. A little bit of light is peaking through but it’s weak. I remember that the forecast calls for rain.
3. Scones. Yes, that’s what will be for breakfast today. All this counter space but yet I feel like there’s no room.
4. We make a list of the dishes and then I find the platters they’ll go in. It’s the first time in a long time that it’s just the 5 of us for a holiday meal.
5. But we do have a few guests coming. Hosting them will be a treat. Might make things feel a little more normal.
6. These are white sweet potatoes. That’s why they looked so weird to me in the store. And still a little lumpy. But I’m committing to this working out. Plus, I don’t think you’ll reallly taste a difference once they’re topped with sugar and nuts.
7. Apple crisp and pound cakes for dessert.
8. Now I feel the pain in my heels.
9. If your marriage can survive the assembly of bunk-beds then it’s a good one.
10. Green.
Ten.Five Hundred & Nine
1. Oh yes. This feels good. Awake in the darkness before everyone else.
2. Oh. Not everyone. He asks me for a fried egg without the yolk. I laugh to myself. A fried egg white. Ok, then.
3. I think about what else needs to be done before she arrives: a little bit of laundry, vacuum the floors, relax.
4. But this is one of the few times I’m not a big ball of anxiety having someone come to stay.
5. I know he still thinks it’s weird how my relationships with people from the internet become a real thing, with me staying in their homes and me offering my home to all of them.
6. Time is passing so slowly.
7. She asks me about my space. And this is sometimes what you need: someone to come in and show/remind you that you need to make room for yourself. Someone who puts voice to the very things you have been thinking about. And then you realize that it’s not just your imagination. That this is something that needs attention.
8. I confess that I don’t know what to do. She says I can just be.
9. Impromptu double blind wine tasting. We both have good taste.
10. The two of them drawing side by side at the kitchen table.
10.1 Tired, but in a good way. Maybe “Satisfied” is more appropriate.
Ten.Five Hundred & Nine
1. Oh yes. This feels good. Awake in the darkness before everyone else.
2. Oh. Not everyone. He asks me for a fried egg without the yolk. I laugh to myself. A fried egg white. Ok, then.
3. I think about what else needs to be done before she arrives: a little bit of laundry, vacuum the floors, relax.
4. But this is one of the few times I’m not a big ball of anxiety having someone come to stay.
5. I know he still thinks it’s weird how my relationships with people from the internet become a real thing, with me staying in their homes and me offering my home to all of them.
6. Time is passing so slowly.
7. She asks me about my space. And this is sometimes what you need: someone to come in and show/remind you that you need to make room for yourself. Someone who puts voice to the very things you have been thinking about. And then you realize that it’s not just your imagination. That this is something that needs attention.
8. I confess that I don’t know what to do. She says I can just be.
9. Impromptu double blind wine tasting. We both have good taste.
10. The two of them drawing side by side at the kitchen table.
10.1 Tired, but in a good way. Maybe “Satisfied” is more appropriate.
Ten.Five Hundred & Seven
1. I slept another full hour past the alarm.
2. Towels and pillow cases. The woman working the self-checkout is extremely patient and helpful.
3. John Mayer Live album from so many years ago. I’m back in my red Dodge Intrepid in The Cook Out drive-through.
4. It’s hard to sing with a mask on.
5. Toilet overflowing. Waves of blue water and tissue rolling onto the floor. The panic.
6. I clean the kids’ bathroom and then mine. Toilet overflows again. Panic.
7. At the table, hunched over a bowl of chicken tortilla soup, I declare that I’m done plunging other people’s poop.
8. I am now mopping the floor. I spend the majority of my time cleaning up after others. Sometimes it feels like a waste of life. How do I shift this workload?
9. But always return to gratitude.
10. He leaves. I finish folding towels still hot from the drier, vacuum our bedroom floor and then smudge each room before hopping in the shower.
10.1 Solitaire and a glass of Hahn Pinot Noir while the sauce thickens.
10.2 Schramsberg sparkling wine. Conversations about what makes us uncomfortable.
Ten.Five Hundred & Six
1. I can feel his small hands touching the edge of the bed. It’s almost time to wake up anyway.
2. I mean to make coffee first but my eye keeps catching all the things left out the night before: glasses and bowls and napkins and empty wine bottles.
3. Write the to-do list. I need to start waking up before everyone else again.
4. She asks to come with me on my errands. We buy some pillows and some flowers and persimmons.
5. She complains that the mask is uncomfortable. It is.
6. Bucket full of hot water and Murphy’s. I wash down the cabinets and all the doors.
7. “Transform yourself to transform the world.” - Emergent Strategy
8. Like Christopher Robin I’m a little lost.
9. I mean, I am here. But what happens next?
10. “I always get to where I’m going by walking away from where I’ve been.” - Pooh
Ten.Five Hundred & Five
1. Up before the alarm. Must find a coffeemaker.
2. Just enough reception to make a quick post and scroll through to look for important emails. How dependent we are for cellular and WiFi service. The plus side is less screen time for everyone.
3. Make a note to remember that I don’t have to get on Highway 4 to get to Target or Trader Joe’s.
4. Why are trash cans so hard to find?
5. The smoke is hanging low like fog. It makes the morning more eery than it needs to be.
6. I bundle up some twinkle lights and stick them beside her bed.
7. Laundry.
8. The rootedness that comes from doing the ordinary.
9. I should probably go to the store tomorrow. Just get those few little things out of the way before Wednesday.
10. Still doesn’t feel real.