Ten.Four Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. I will remember that he has soccer this morning.

2. I have no desire to make a meal plan for the upcoming week but every desire to eat at some point. So I guess I will make a list. Or at least a rough outline.

3. I have no words. I mean, I have no time to work out what wants to be said in a way that makes sense right now and so I type a single sentence. How does one begin?

4. It’s dark and cool and the kind of weather that makes you want to sleep all day. Soup again for dinner. And a sandwich. Maybe a salad too. Or chips. That sounds like a good dinner for a Friday.

5. I am silent. I am thinking all the things but not wanting to speak out loud. I tell him that I’m going to get rid of Facebook. It doesn’t serve me. I don’t know if it really serves any one. I’ve tried multiple ways of trying to make in work so that I’m in alignment with my own values and goals but I find myself continuing to resist it. I don’t want to be consumed.

6. Petit Chablis and Pinot Nero. Prawns, sausage flatbread, cheese plate, charcuterie board.

7. Not cool, but cold.

8. If I start the soup now then I can lay around and drink tea with the kids after school without feeling rushed to get dinner done. Strip corn from the cobs; chop the onions and the bell pepper, the celery and the carrots.

   9. The rain is falling and it’s exactly the kind of weather you want for soup and a slow evening.  

   10. Yeah, I think I’m done.  

Ten.Four Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Cleaning day plus dentist day.

2. My feeds are full of women supporting women and that feels powerful. And yet I am also discouraged, once again. I think of the women who call themselves feminists but don’t bring that same rage and urgency to issues of race. I’m hoping that as time continues to pass, that we begin to truly believe that no one is free if everyone isn’t free. Our liberation is tied together.

3. I do a quick breathing meditation before I get in the dentist chair. This has been one of the more helpful tools in navigating the anxiety around dental work.

4. I get to decide who I want to be.

5. I step into the store and feel at home again. I miss this place. I find cinnamon brooms to scent the kitchen and my bedroom, some eucalyptus for the rooms upstairs, a butternut squash and some vegetable stock because I feel like making soup.

6. I toss open the windows and let in the fresh air. This is my favorite season. This is the season when I am overcome with the desire to cut things away. I am making a list in my mind of what needs to go: Facebook, self-doubt, superficial relationships (either I am ready to invest my time and self in them or it’s best to step back), television…

7. The watermelons are probably ready. There are three of them, deep emerald green with a cream-colored patch on their underside. The worms ate the remaining stubs of lettuce. The strawberry plant is growing tendrils and broadening its leaves. There are more and more peppers.

8. Quiet.

9. I feel like nothing is happening. I feel like everything is happening all at once.

10. Deeper work is calling.

Ten.Four Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Up late again because I’ve decided not to use an alarm for a little while. There’s a tiny bit of pain at the back of my throat which means I’m closing in on a cold. I must get as much sleep as I possibly can.

2. The moon looks full and low and bright against the pale morning sky.

3. I need to warm my hands. It’s almost time to begin the mornings with fire again.

4. The deer are back. Both of them. We all stand at the sliding door and watch them. They linger at the back edge there the trees get thick again.

5. We hop on our bikes for a ride. We’re both colder than we thought we would be. The golden rod and milkweed are getting taller and taller.

6. There are large pieces of insulation floating in the pond. Who will retrieve it before it poisons the water and the fish and the birds even more? Do they even do ecological surveys around here before they begin to build? The concerns are only ever about property taxes and traffic, never about environmental harm.

7. We meet at Emerson Creek Tea Room and have a mug of hot tea and eat a bowl of creamy sweet potato soup and a turkey club while the wind blows. The sun is bright and it’s quiet out here.

8. She drives me home in her little green convertible. And when I walk inside the house I realize just how much I’ll miss her.

9. I have lots of letters to write.

10. Two years of this disconnectedness. I need to remember how much I need my people. Not enough time here to recover from the move and then do the work of building relationships. Sometimes too far from the ones I do know best.

Ten.Four Hundred & Fifty-One

1. Darkness. A little bit of light from the full moon.

2. Chop onions, chop peppers, wash the potatoes. Start the cooking. Hope that they don’t decide to wake up until after everything is already done.

3. Now I remember why I stopped making these for breakfast.

4. The air outside is more humid than I thought it would be. The sky is low and dark and it feels comforting.

5. I fold in the blueberries and think of how this might be the last time I get to sit with them on a Tuesday. morning drinking coffee.

6. The role of the artist.

7. I do love a good bell bottom jean. I don’t care if it’s in season or not.

8. As we drive past open fields and leaning houses I am longing for a long drive in the country. It’s good to be reminded of how much open space still exists. And I find detritus intriguing. I wonder who still lives in these almost-forgotten places. I wonder what kind of light falls through the old and dusty windows or the cracks in the barns.

9. We stand outside and watch the trash cans blow from one side of the street to the other. I am ready for a good storm.

10. They never even came.

Ten.Four Hundred & Fifty

1. Almost to 500. When will this end? Will it ever? I don’t need to decide.

2. The sky is showing off for sure.

3. Today is a self-serve breakfast day. I’ll make the smoothies, they can grab oatmeal or a bagel, fruit. I need to gather myself.

4. Another hawk.

5. I go upstairs to wake the older two an then realize that he has before-school intramurals. The youngest one tells me that it might be a good idea for me to write things down on a piece of paper so that I can remember them.

6. I do like days like this when he can drive me around to do my errands.

7. One man with a small set of speakers around his shoulders blasting Bob Marley while perusing produce.

8. Cloud cover but there is still good light and a light breeze.

9. Vulnerability hangover. I see my weaknesses. One of those weaknesses is how often I perceive myself to have weaknesses that actually do not exist. There is also the continuing need for external validation and when it’s not received, retreating back and away from the things that are tugging on the heart. And then there is also the way in which I continue to punish myself for past mistakes and failures from years and years and years ago. This kind of self-flagellation is no good for the spirit. How do I continue to move forward in spite of this?

10. Ducks and geese flying north. That doesn’t seem to make sense. But I bet they have a sense of what to do. There’s something to be said about a life lived on instinct.

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. I can’t tell if my tooth is hurting for real or if it’s just a very realistic dream.

2. I can see the fog rising up from the wetlands out back. It’s a very fall-like scene.

3. There is nothing to do today but make him his birthday meals and do all the laundry and the dishes and pray that someone calls with an offer today.

4. I bring the baskets of clothes up from the basement but instead of folding laundry decide to sit on the porch in the sun and read a cook book. I am longing for something quiet and restorative.

5. I tell her that the things that I used to do to calm myself are no longer working. I’m needing new things to center myself.

6. We finally get to connect and I feel so much better. I feel like, “yes, oh yes, this is what I’m meant to be doing. This is what feels good. And how do I have more of this?” We talk out way through the ideas for next year’s retreat. It’s getting closer and closer and I truly can’t wait.

7. I grab three wines: Klipfel Cremant D’Alsace, Domaine Gilles Noblet Macon-Fuisse, and Domaine Chante Cigale Chateauneuf-Du-Pape.

8. He wants a pound cake and so that’s what I get started on first. My arm feels sore from folding the meringue into the stiff batter.

9. Good house smells.

10. Maybe there will be good news this week.

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. I can’t tell if my tooth is hurting for real or if it’s just a very realistic dream.

2. I can see the fog rising up from the wetlands out back. It’s a very fall-like scene.

3. There is nothing to do today but make him his birthday meals and do all the laundry and the dishes and pray that someone calls with an offer today.

4. I bring the baskets of clothes up from the basement but instead of folding laundry decide to sit on the porch in the sun and read a cook book. I am longing for something quiet and restorative.

5. I tell her that the things that I used to do to calm myself are no longer working. I’m needing new things to center myself.

6. We finally get to connect and I feel so much better. I feel like, “yes, oh yes, this is what I’m meant to be doing. This is what feels good. And how do I have more of this?” We talk out way through the ideas for next year’s retreat. It’s getting closer and closer and I truly can’t wait.

7. I grab three wines: Klipfel Cremant D’Alsace, Domaine Gilles Noblet Macon-Fuisse, and Domaine Chante Cigale Chateauneuf-Du-Pape.

8. He wants a pound cake and so that’s what I get started on first. My arm feels sore from folding the meringue into the stiff batter.

9. Good house smells.

10. Maybe there will be good news this week.

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. I want to sleep longer but I know I have a long day ahead of me.

2. I can feel the the crispness in the air. I can see it too. There’s a stillness and the color of the light is different again. I love this changing of the season. Oh. Yeah. It’s the first day of fall.

3. We see a hawk gliding through the trees out back. I’ve already seen one of the cranes too. I don’t this view for granted.

4. I decide to rent two lenses for a test run on today’s shoot. I’ve been shooting with the same 50mm for so long. Do I need something different? Does it matter? What will I need if I continue to pursue this kind of work more diligently?

5. I’m an hour early. I blame the anxiety I have around being late. I find Hero Coffee and sit there and clean the lenses. People are popping in and out of this tiny spot. My chamomile is so hot I can’t drink it.

6. “We weren’t expecting you until 2.” And my heart starts beating and my stomach drops because I definitely do not want be here for more hours before I can even get started. I tell him I’ll start on exterior and interior shots until Chef gets back.

7. The dumplings. The bite of the celery leaves and the juicy explosion of gooseberries in the mouth. Insane. I tell him it’s one of the best things I’ve eaten in a long time. I wish them good luck because what I did taste was amazing. That’s not a happy accident. And I also apologize for the confusion and for them making it work.

8. The sun is so bright and the air so cool it seems a shame so go inside but I need to rest.

9. We’re number three on their list. The other houses have full finished basements and ours is unfinished and only a partial. I can’t control this. I hope they are somehow swayed by the newness and the neighborhood of our house. See, I didn’t want to get my hopes up too much.

10. Duck leg with a blueberry glaze and a hazelnut gremolata. Purple kale salad with goat cheese and fried chickpeas. Filet of beef with trumpet mushrooms and cauliflower. 2005 Bordeaux from Margaux and some champagne. Sherry with the whiskey date cake and a cheeseboard. Happy Birthday to him.

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. I can’t sleep. There is too much to do.

2. I clean out the bottom drawer, wipe down the inside with a wet wash cloth. This is the only kind of cleaning I can do until everyone wakes up. I have only two hours to get all of this done. I try to remind myself that it doesn’t have to be perfect.

3. It will be a long day.

4. Her vision did change and so she picks out a pair of bold frames: navy ombre Ray Bans. I wish I had glasses this cool when I was her age. I always remember this bit of advice I read in someone’s book where they say a prayer of gratitude when they pay a bill. I say a prayer of gratitude as she swipes the card to pay for the exam and the frames; gratitude for having the abundance to care of this for her because I remember the years when I we wouldn’t have been able to.

5. We settle on pizza for lunch. It’s a beautiful day: sunny and breezy and just warm enough to walk without sweating.

6. Our old Target is now a fancy Target. The kind of Target you could get lost in. The kids say they wish they still lived in Naperville so that this could be our Target. This is the problem with bringing them back: They always talk about how they wish we never had to leave.

7. The park is quiet because everyone else is in school. The boys play with the soccer ball, and she and I sit on the swings. We try to play with the Frisbee but the wind is too strong.

8. We see our old friends. It’s a good day for a visit. It feels like we’ve been gone much longer than a year. There are faces I don’t recognize. There will never be another school like this.

9. I keep checking my phone. I am trying not to obsess but I am because how could I not?

10. I tell him that I’m really grateful that some of the hard work we put in with the kids during those early years gave me children that I could hang out with today. I told him we should pat ourselves on the back because the three of them are really amazing and I’m glad to be their mother.

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty-Six

1. Well now the sky is just showing off.

2. Even with the case on the phone I can feel the cracks in the glass. I should probably get this taken care of sooner rather than later.

3. He’s trying to convince me that an education isn’t necessary because he just plans to become a soccer player. I don’t doubt in his abilities to be good enough to pursue his goals, but I’m not up for debating the merits of an education while sitting in the drop-off line.

4. I start cleaning and he tells me not to bother because I just have to do it all over again tomorrow morning. He’s right. But it’s cleaning day and that’s part of my routine. But I listen to him because he’s right and head out to work in the garden instead.

5. Green hornworms covered in larvae. Baby green hormworms wriggling in the soil where the spinach used to be. Seeing them gives me the chills even though it’s 90 degrees. I pick them all off and toss them into the wheelbarrow with the rest of the leaves and rotten tomatoes.

6. I decide that in order to pass the time while I clean up the garden, I’ll make up a story about the wife coming to see the house tomorrow. Maybe she is coming from a place where they have a very large yard and so her husband saw our house and the lot and maybe she gardens too and so this might be the right house for her. I think about her walking through the front door for the first time. I should get some pumpkins and some flowers for the porch. Yes. I want her to feel excited about her new home in this new place she’s never been before.

7. I tell him that see, I have prophetic dreams. This is the twin dream.

8. I feel like there’s not enough time today but I realize that it’s just nerves about tomorrow. I’m just ready for this to be the weekend that ends this part of the process.

9. The wind is blowing. Tomorrow the cooler temperatures will come.

10. “Trust in the divine timing of your life.”

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty-Five

1. The color of the morning sky. This is what I love about the changing of the seasons: watching for the shift in the colors of the earth.

2. Another no-cook breakfast morning for me because, once again, I’ve got three pots going, warming up foods for the kids to take to lunch. One wants soup, one wants beef stroganoff, another wants the leftover ravioli.

3. I meet her at the coffee shop and we take a walk around downtown. This is a little luxury. The iced chai is a little too sweet but it’s still quite tasty. Leaves are beginning to fall and they line the brick. If only the path along the river continued to stretch along the shores.

4. I get another load of laundry started before my sorority sister calls. She’s one of those friends you can just pick up with like no time has passed at all. It’s been at least 12 or 13 years since I’ve seen her. So many things about college did not go as I had planned, but KCook is one of the most right things and I’m grateful for it.

5. One big bowl of leftover chicken tortilla soup. This was a good idea. I am not always the best at feeding myself throughout the day but having food that only required a quick warming on the stove means that I’ve been satiated and full and that’s a very good thing.

6. I walk out in my bare feet. The garden needs so much attention. There’s a showing on Friday. A second showing and I just really feel like…not that things need to be perfect, but that they need to be just right for the wife who’s coming to see it for the first time.

7. And yet I don’t want to get my hopes up.

8. I tell him that I applied for the farm hand position. Because I just had to. We talk about how it could be a great launching pad for whatever I wanted to do in my career. It could open me up to new experiences and maybe a new path.

9. We are both exhausted by the question “When are you moving?” I always say, “I don’t know. My house is for sale. I’d love to be gone before the first snow fall.”

10. I’m definitely a 4.

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty-Four

1. A dream that I am pregnant with twins. It is true that there is a lot of internal work waiting to be birthed.

2. Pain in those back teeth. It’s the clenching. I just need to go get that mouth guard. I just need to figure out how to relax those muscles. What am I holding in the lining of my jaw?

3. Why am I reheating two different kinds of foods? Maybe this thermos thing was not a good idea.

4. Difficult conversations in which I have no say. At least I feel like I shouldn’t have a say. I think of how in the text message I said that I'm pretty non-committal these days. I’m just a little un-tethered.

5. It’s funny to me how I went from being overly anxious about the sale of the home to almost not caring. I mean I do care. I care every time I get another piece of paper from the school reminding me of some future event. I care when the kids ask. I care when I want to go run an errand but the house is a little messy and I have to straighten it just a bit before I leave. But I also don’t care.

6. It’s time to trade out this green wreath for something with more yellow and orange.

7. I want to stop and collect all of the leaves. Fiery maple leaves, dozens of them, scattered all over the sidewalk.

8. I can’t read to read this little book of wisdom.

9. We decide on a collection of essays by Wendell Berry. I’m looking forward to reading this.

10. Sudden changes in vision.

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty-Three

1. I wake up late for a Monday. It’s already 6:20.

2. A surprising email. This definitely sets the tone for my day.

3. That feeling when he takes the kids to school. It’s like Christmas morning. I treasure that tiny slice of alone time in the home. I wipe down the counters and sweep the crumbs, take a few more sips of coffee and then prepare for my client call.

4. I am still nervous.

5. Everything is clean and folded and this too feels like accomplishment. It is work finding joy in some of these domestic responsibilities.

6. So much light.

7. Because even though it’s 90-something degrees outside, chicken tortilla soup sounds like a good idea. A double-batch to ease the work of nourishing myself this week.

8. Dinner interrupted by a phone call. I thought she was going to call me tomorrow but maybe she meant today. I take it upstairs. I can hear the quickness in my voice. I have to remember to slow down. Nerves. This could be the right one.

9. They give me a round of applause.

10. My eyes hurt from the screen. Scrolling gives me a headache. I need to figure out how to do the work I want to do without making myself nauseous. Shorter intervals? Elevated screen?

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty-Three

1. I wake up late for a Monday. It’s already 6:20.

2. A surprising email. This definitely sets the tone for my day.

3. That feeling when he takes the kids to school. It’s like Christmas morning. I treasure that tiny slice of alone time in the home. I wipe down the counters and sweep the crumbs, take a few more sips of coffee and then prepare for my client call.

4. I am still nervous.

5. Everything is clean and folded and this too feels like accomplishment. It is work finding joy in some of these domestic responsibilities.

6. So much light.

7. Because even though it’s 90-something degrees outside, chicken tortilla soup sounds like a good idea. A double-batch to ease the work of nourishing myself this week.

8. Dinner interrupted by a phone call. I thought she was going to call me tomorrow but maybe she meant today. I take it upstairs. I can hear the quickness in my voice. I have to remember to slow down. Nerves. This could be the right one.

9. They give me a round of applause.

10. My eyes hurt from the screen. Scrolling gives me a headache. I need to figure out how to do the work I want to do without making myself nauseous. Shorter intervals? Elevated screen?

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty-Two

1. I feel him crawling out of the bed. “It’s wake-up time,” he says with a smile on my face. I close my eyes and tell him to go ahead downstairs.

2. She comes in and asks if she can make waffles again this morning. I tell her to go ahead and make the batter. If only I’d put the waffle iron in one of the lower cabinets, I wouldn’t have to get out of bed at all.

3. No showings scheduled for the day but I feel like maybe it might happen. I tidy up and get the laundry going just in case.

4. All I need to do is survive lunch. I laugh at the sadness of that statement: survive lunch.

5. Everything about the whole hour and a half is awkward.

6. I stand in the driveway with bare feet and raise my hands above my head to stretch. It’s quiet. A slight breeze is blowing and I can feel my shirt beating gently against my skin.

7. The garden is in rough shape. So neglected. Everything needs tending.

8. But there is something luxurious about laying your head on a soft pillow and feeling your skin being warmed by the rays of sun coming in through the window. The bedroom is glowing from all of the light.

9. Refined Organic.

10. I pull three cards: Inner Trust, After the Storm, Dream a Beautiful Dream. Yes.

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty-One

1. I forgot a card. And wrapping paper. 

2. She wakes and we get to work on the waffles. Strawberries and fresh whipped cream. She asks for a dusting of powdered sugar on top. Happy Birthday.  

3. I sit and drink one cup slowly. I put a spoonful of cream in it. Oh, this is good.  

4. 10 am. Now to begin. 

5. It doesn’t matter how much time I think I have, I always end up sweaty. The both of us do. We meet in the garage, sweaty and tired. 

6. It’s hot in the sun but cool in the shade. Almost perfect.  

7. I miss this street. The maples are already losing leaves. Leaves on fire. Sidewalk aflame.

8. But will they set?

9. Kitchen torch magic. Sugar crust. She taps her spoon against the sugar. “That’s a good shell,” she says. I think that’s something Mary Berry must have said.  

10. A quiet but very good Birthday, I hope. She is so much of me which is both a blessing and a curse. 

Ten.Four Hundred & Forty

1. Tight jaw. 

2. Tomorrow is her birthday and I am unprepared. I usually am. But I am spectacularly behind in preparations. Not that there’s a lot, but I haven’t done anything. 

3. I am always afraid I won’t get the right kind of gifts.  

4. Still sore.  

5. Back to the dentist in 2 weeks. Already dreading it.  

6. One more rejection. I know that this is evidence of trying and perhaps evidence that I need to redirect my job search focus. Or maybe it means that I ought to think harder about whether or not I want to continue freelancing. Because, well, maybe it’d be worth it to be on my own terms.  

7. It’s hot and yet I’m just a tad bit cold. Sweater and shorts.  

8. Tomorrow from 10-10:45 am. She’s not happy about a showing on her birthday.  

9. Marinate pork, mince cilantro, juice limes, slice pineapple.  I take my time.  

10. I complain that I didn’t have time for myself today. He says I should get used to it. He’s right. 

Ten.Four Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. More fog. Thin color in the sky.

2. I think I’ve put too much sugar in the granola.

3. Sometimes they say things like, “ Do we have the antioxidant power?” and I remember that they’re incredibly spoiled and I can ignore any kind of mothering guilt.

4. So much sun. The color of the light is changing.

5. Two more baskets of laundry. Didn’t I just fold 4 baskets yesterday?

6. I am glad that I was smart last week and froze some miso soup. But it is not enough and I am hungry. I have been hungry since returning from California. I hope this feeling passes soon. And I am in pain. Hungry and in pain.

7. My arm is still sore from holding her baby. My arm is out of practice.

8. Frozen chicken Kiev because it means I don’t have to do as much work for dinner tonight and because I know the three of them will gobble it all up.

9. That sky. The saturated colors of sunset. The silhouettes of the trees. The twinkles of stars.

10. Realizing that a piece of my heart still belongs in North Carolina. I remember how dramatic a hurricane would feel even though we sat in the middle of the state. I remember the morning the 40-ft pine tree fell on the roof of the house.

Ten.Four Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. A night of strange dreams. Not very much sleep. 

2. Runny nose. Allergies? Cold 2.0? Please don’t let it be a cold. I drink a big mug of hot lemon water.  

3. I leave them early to get to the dentist. I’d rather stay at home.  

4. When the editor of a magazine solicits work from you and it turns out that you once published her work so many years ago. Full circle. It’s amazing to me that so many people remember that effort.  

5. Burger with a smoky tomato jam and grilled onions, glass of Rosso di Montalcino, root beer float cookies. And I still need something more.  

6. For the first time in a while my mind fees light.  

7. Breathe.  

8. It seems like a sign.  

9. I am overthinking it like I overthink so many other things and this is what holds me back.  

10. Remember to find a slim collection of poetry for you to read.  

Ten.Four Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. Fog over everything.

2. The grasses out back are beginning to grow taller again and the drops of dew look like a dusting of white.

3. I need 2.5 cups of sugar. Early morning run to Meijer so that I can make these muffins.

4. A double batch of blueberry muffins. This recipe never fails. I accidentally melted the butter and the mixture looks slightly off.

5. Tuesdays are my favorite days. Back with them again.

6. Mimosas and conversation and bacon and pineapple and coffee. A sleeping baby in my arms.

7. Shaky from too much caffeine. I make the teriyaki sauce and cut up the chicken for tonight’s dinner. I really ought to get to the store tomorrow.

8. I promise to play war with him after he takes his shower. It’s the only card game I really know how to play these days.

9. I tell him that I’d just like to be gone before Halloween. Before the cold really sets in.

10. A sliver of moon in a watercolor sky. This dream is bigger than me.