Ten.Four Hundred & Thirty
1. My alarm hasn't gone off and I can tell it's early because of the dark bits of sky I can see through the slats in the blinds. Nerves. I get up anyway.
2. Wet windows. I don't know what the weather will be like today but I think more rain is coming.
3. A sink full of dirty dishes is my least favorite way to start the day. I prepare the potatoes for our breakfast and then try my best to unload the dishwasher without clinking the class. This is always so much harder to do when you're really trying.
4. Focused.
5. He’s leaving today. I am a little sad. I sometimes forget how used I am to him being here until he leaves. But it means a more productive day.
6. Dad talks me through changes to make to my resumé and portfolio. They make sense. He reminds me that people have paid me to do this work. I need to talk more about it. He even brings up Blackberry. I didn’t even know he remembered.
7. Fortunate. 3 cranes in the sky. Good omens.
8. Just enough time to clean the kitchen and eat some cherries before pick up. I finally feel like I can breathe.
9. One glass of Riesling left.
10. Tomorrow and then the next day. One day at a time.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-Nine
1. Headache. Sinus + Stress.
2. Bacon and potatoes and smoothie. Lots of water.
3. I'll try to get this work done from bed.
4. There they are. The two of them. The fawn reaches their head up to nibble on the leaves from the lower branches of the trees. Seeing them always makes me smile.
5. Lots of water and bed. Computer and notebooks beside me. There is much to be done and I'm trying to do it from here. It seems to be the best place to handle not only the work but the waves of nausea that won't stop knocking.
6. This little kid, though. His face and his smile and the way he talks. Always so animated. Always so loving. When he's not whining like a 3-year old, he's the funniest and charming 7-year old. Sometimes my biggest challenge. But the hardest things are always worth it.
7. It's Monday? I leave in 3 days.
8. We decided to make pho for dinner instead of the greek salad with chicken. The smell of cinnamon sticks and star anise and coriander and clove, ginger and chicken broth and soy—all of it soothing.
9. I did promise cupcakes. I try a recipe from the cookbook I inherited from my husband's aunt. It's filled with old-school recipes and instructions on how to carve fruit into animals. I decide on a recipe for a plain white cake. The batter is light and fluffy. I try a new-to-me frosting that ends up looking more like a glaze. But no one will complain about eating a soft butterscotch.
10. I work some more until I can't.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-Eight
1. I'm late to the smoothie trend.
2. Still another queasy morning. I'm beginning to think it wasn't just the coffee but something else. Back-to-school germs. I'm usually more immune. Also, probably stress.
3. It's always so much quieter with on less child.
4. Ginger and lemon tea to settle the stomach. Back to bed. More British Baking Show. Unlike most American competitions, the contestants are kind to one another, congenial. It's interesting to see the difference in culture.
5. Crock-pot chicken tacos.
6. Hornworms on the tomato plants. Little white larvae on their backs.
7. I keep forgetting that I leave in only 4 days. I am feel no feelings about it other than it will be neat to explore a different wine country and a different part of the state. And maybe it will re-inspire me as we continue with this process. I'll remember just exactly what kind of light waits at the end of the tunnel.
8. My tacos taste dry. I forgot the chopped tomatoes.
9. The two of us ride our bikes around the neighborhood after dinner. I like this. The kids opt to stay home, for whatever reason. It smells like grilling. The air is quiet. There's hardly any noise. A peaceful Sunday suburban evening.
10. So much to do tomorrow.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-Seven
1. Dark skies but no rain yet.
2. The to-do list is short. No showings today yet, one kid to drop off for a sleepover, pick-up contacts, make dinner.
3. She gives me a punch card and I kind of want to say, "no, I don't need one, I'm moving soon," but the reality is that it's quite possible I'll be here longer than I want to be, longer than any of us have anticipated (we've already been here longer than we anticipated) and so it's quite possible that I will return enough time for a free dozen. And that will be okay.
4. I drink the coffee. And then I drink some more coffee. With the caramel donut, it's absolutely superb.
5. I bring the coffee to bed and turn on the baking show and sit in the grayness of the morning.
6. I drink some more coffee while we catch up. I decide it's time for me to go when the test tube and sticks of butter come out.
7. My brother and I talk for almost 2 hours.
8. All the coffee has made me a little queasy.
9. I talk to Dad for almost an hour. I ought to make more of a point in calling. Surprise, surprise: I'm not the best at interpersonal communication. I think a lot of things that I never end up speaking. I've always said that my lesson in this life was to learn how to use my voice. And really, that's not just about speaking up for or out against, but it's also about a way of deepening my relationships with self and others.
10. The yellowing of the light; away from the gold of summer and toward the paler shades of fall.
10. 1 No coffee for me tomorrow.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-Six
1. I didn't sleep well at all. Up every few hours. Dreams and a kid who kept coming into the room. Worries about not being able to fall back asleep again and get enough rest.
2. Moths on window screens that look like shadowy hearts.
3. I leave the phone at home. Untethered. Listening to nothing but myself and my own thoughts.
4. But I wish I did have my phone so I could identify some of these plants. I think about how in the past I would have just sketched a picture of it in a journal and then cross-referenced it at home with some sort of book on botanicals. I could still do that.
5. I am only slightly sweaty from the ride but the air inside is crisp and cool. More water and a mug of chamomile.
6. Monarch floating by in front of the alcove.
7. Laundry and "A Haunting." I can't wait for the Halloween movies to be on. It's one of my favorite times of the year. Sometimes I like to scare myself.
8. I leave early enough to buy me some reading time in the car line. Windows down. Sun in my lap.
9. He asks me what I've been thinking about all day and I know that it's none of what he wanted me to be thinking about. He wants me to say that I've been thinking about what kind of job I'm going to apply for, or that I'm applying for jobs. What I've really been thinking about is: Whether or not I'm going to continue to be on social media; What are my reasons for being in the digital space?; What do I gain from these virtual connections and what am I giving through them?; Why has it been so hard for me to just settle into one thing and just work on doing and being that?
10. I don't know what to do.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-Five
1. Still waking up late from this cold. What happened to 4:30 Alisha?
2. I fry up a few leftover pieces of bacon and a some eggs and sit down to eat. I am craving coffee but we are out. Which is actually good because I think I should continue to stay off the caffeine for awhile. At least until my adrenals have been given enough of a rest.
3. Remember to look up coffee alternatives.
4. In 6 months none of this will matter.
5. I can sense it.
6. All the lights are on and the floors have been mopped and vacuumed and fliers are out and the Yo-Yo Ma station is playing through the Bluetooth speakers.
7. We linger on the patio. I eat meatloaf and french fries, Petite Ruche from M. Chapoutier, and two cups of decaf coffee. I hear bits and pieces of the conversations from the table around us: it's someone's birthday; there's one woman in a group of twelve or thirteen men and I wonder if she's developed that way of talking just to fit in—to be taken more seriously; two sets of moms and daughters who've met up over lunch hour to catch up on things.
8. Whenever there's a showing they want to know if that person has bought the house. They are always so disappointed when we say that we don't know or won't know for a few days at least. They are just as ready as we are. They don't like this hanging over their head any more than we do.
9. The three of us watching The Great British Baking Show, oooh-ing and ahhh-ing over their creations. We try to pronounce the french words for things.
10. I think of her post where she says she'll be off of social media for 3 months. It's something I'm interested in trying too. What would a life without social media look like? I reckon there's more time and more creative inspiration and less stress and headaches. Fall is coming and the season of cutting away will soon begin.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-Four
1. Slow morning with a surprise.
2. The wetness of everything. I am craving a long walk in the light rain.
3. The surprise is that they get to skip school so that we can go to a Cubs game. It will be their first and probably last visit to Wrigley Field. It’s a cloudy day but who doesn’t love to play hooky.
4. Tomorrow from 12:15-1:15. Plenty of time for me to get a little bit of work done before all the cleaning has to be done.
5. There’s no way for me to respond to each one. I just read them and take them in. I am just a witness.
6. This is smart. Rent out your garage on game day and make a few extra dollars.
7. Popcorn and a draft beer. The seats are better than I expected. Everyone is happy. The oldest says that this might be the best day of his life.
8. I could fall asleep though if I wasn’t so cold.
9. Pizza for dinner, cold medicine for dessert.
10. Almost.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-Three
1. Slightly better than yesterday. The cold has moved from the head and down into the chest which is slightly more preferable. I can hold my head up straight but my body still aches.
2. Showing at 10:45.
3. He takes them to school while I slowly make my way through the bathrooms, clean the counter tops, polish the appliances, mop the floors that need mopping. He comes back and does all the vacuuming. I'm ready to be done with this.
4. But 2 showings in 3 days feels good. It feels like another burst of momentum.
5. He drives and I lean my head back and close my eyes. I slept for almost 13 hours and I'm still tired. It's also day 2 of no coffee.
6. Two hours in the car, mostly quiet, mostly me with my eyes closed or me with my eyes open, staring out the window, thinking about cloud formations and how crazy it is that we humans willingly get into large chunks of metal that hurl toward one another.
7. The upside to showings is a clean home. Who doesn't like returning to a clean home. The downside is that children usually ruin it rather quickly.
8. He tells me that he realizes that my anger is not anger but really a fear. And he says that his job is to help me move past the fear. Because I'll never reach my dreams if I don't do it. He says I like being comfortable. That a farm hand is a great job but that I'm reaching too low. He's not wrong. But also, working on a farm at The French Laundry is no small deal either.
9. I ask my community what they're afraid of. The answers are varied. Many are similar to my own. This is just what it means to be human.
10. Even though I've taken the nighttime medicine, I can't seem to fall asleep. My head is filled with visions of farms and animals and drafts of emails I am supposed to send in the morning. I close my eyes and listen to the rain.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-Two
1. I just need to get them to school.
2. Of course this is the morning they want pasta and grilled cheese to pack for lunch. And someone else wants a shirt ironed. I just need them to get to school.
3. Wet tissue on the console and a mug of hot ginger and lemon tea.
4. I bring the laptop to bed and run through emails while I drink another glass of water and another mug of tea.
5. I can hear the wind whipping outside. Everything is dry though. There is no rain. I’d really like to breathe.
6. I close my eyes.
7. Twilight Zone in the background while I try to sleep away this cold.
8. Tomorrow at 10:45 am.
9. I sit out on the back stoop in the sun to warm up. I watch the trees and the tall grass wave back and forth. I can only hear the rustling of the leaves. I think of how I will miss this space.
10. He always sees more in me than I can see within myself.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-Three
1. Slightly better than yesterday. The cold has moved from the head and down into the chest which is slightly more preferable. I can hold my head up straight but my body still aches.
2. Showing at 10:45.
3. He takes them to school while I slowly make my way through the bathrooms, clean the counter tops, polish the appliances, mop the floors that need mopping. He comes back and does all the vacuuming. I'm ready to be done with this.
4. But 2 showings in 3 days feels good. It feels like another burst of momentum.
5. He drives and I lean my head back and close my eyes. I slept for almost 13 hours and I'm still tired. It's also day 2 of no coffee.
6. Two hours in the car, mostly quiet, mostly me with my eyes closed or me with my eyes open, staring out the window, thinking about cloud formations and how crazy it is that we humans willingly get into large chunks of metal that hurl toward one another.
7. The upside to showings is a clean home. Who doesn't like returning to a clean home. The downside is that children usually ruin it rather quickly.
8. He tells me that he realizes that my anger is not anger but really a fear. And he says that his job is to help me move past the fear. Because I'll never reach my dreams if I don't do it. He says I like being comfortable. That a farm hand is a great job but that I'm reaching too low. He's not wrong. But also, working on a farm at The French Laundry is no small deal either.
9. I ask my community what they're afraid of. The answers are varied. Many are similar to my own. This is just what it means to be human.
10. Even though I've taken the nighttime medicine, I can't seem to fall asleep. My head is filled with visions of farms and animals and drafts of emails I am supposed to send in the morning. I close my eyes and listen to the rain.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-One
1. I'm washing my face and she wants to know if she can make scones.
2. This feels less like allergies and more like a cold. I know what to do; today means no caffeine, no dairy, a long nap, lots of ginger tea.
3. Heat.
4. We cut down the sunflower. It’s nkt as heavy as I thought it would be. Im sad to see it go but we will try again next year.
5. I write out my ideal outcomes: someone who will love this house as much as I do and has sufficient funds to purchase it so that we can be on our way. Or help from the company to accelerate the sale. And then the most right fit in California. A job for me at a winery where I get to stretch myself into a different kind of work but that still lets me play up my strengths. A vibrant west coast network.
6. 6-6:15.
7. I can’t stop sneezing.
8. I’d rather be at home.
9. There’s grass just inside the door so at least they went outside. But they didn’t take a flier.
10. Night time medicine, more tea, more water.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty
1. No alarm. I sleep in a little bit. The sky is still so very dark and quiet.
2. I remember why I stopped making pancakes: only two people eat them. And I am not one of them. I scramble up some eggs and cook up a few stray pieces of bacon.
3. The sunflower died. I don't know how or when but it's definitely dead and it needs to be cut down today. It was so magnificent. At least there is a watermelon to harvest.
4. I put headphones on so I can sing while I clean. I decide that I will sell this house.
5. She brings her friends in and out of the house and I try not to look annoyed. I’m far too concerned with looking like an angry black woman.
6. Fresh guacamole for lunch.
7. I try to take a nap but can’t so I decide to do some work instead. I can’t collect my thoughts.
8. Chicken Marsala again. This time there’s a little extra flour in the pan that thickens the sauce. It gets better each time I make it.
9. He’s back.
10. In the mailbox is a book on how to listen.
10. 1 This British baking show. I have so much more to learn. In another life, I’d just bake cakes and cookies and breads all day. Will someone pay you to do that? Not enough hours in the day to learn everything I want to learn.
Ten.Four Hundred & Nineteen
1. It's a cool morning. The outsides of the windows are dry. If the rain stays away it will be another gorgeous day but I wouldn't be too upset if it drizzled a little.
2. After yesterday's screeching incident I'm hesitant to step outside into the low light. But I'm sure there's nothing out there. Right?
3. I decide that there's enough food here right now for me not to be too concerned with getting the shopping done today. "Use what you have." I have plenty. I realize that they've gotten so used to having endless options that they haven't been forced to think creatively or put in the work to feed themselves. A little resourcefulness never hurt anyone.
4. I check my emails while I sit in the passenger seat. Respond to a few. Nothing is very critical. It's easy to think otherwise.
5. We head into the city for lunch today. I say, "eclectic wine list," and he takes me to The Purple Pig. We are the first ones in line, in the rain.
6. The lion on the fountain. It feels like he's speaking to me. That smile and then the eyes. He reminds me of the door knocks in New Orleans. Maybe I'll put one on the door of our next home.
7. 2016 Tenuta di Taviganano, Il Pestifero, PetNat of Verdicchio, Malvasia, and Sangiovese. 2014 Charly Thévenet, Grain & Granit from Regnie. Beef Tendon Chicharrones, Roasted Corn, Tomato, and Arugula Salad, Cavatelli with Octopus, Almonds roasted in Pork Fat, Rosemary, & Garlic, a cheese board, affogato and a glass of Sherry. City eating is so much more fun.
8. 57th Street. There are leaves already pressed against the ground. Fall is coming. It's quiet here. So much that's on the shelf is unfamiliar. We settle on a Blaufrankish and Mataossu.
9. Chicken topped with prosciutto and provolone. My chicken breasts have gone bad. I see that someone else in the neighborhood has also put their house up for sale. Everything feels really wrong. I get to Target and frantically text my parents and my wolf mom for advice. Everyone tells me the same thing: Just breathe. I feel like I'm faking faith.
10. Turns out we didn't buy Blaufrankish but a Zwiegelt. No matter. We're intrigued by its flavor. A light mist is falling, the street is quiet, he assures me that everything is going to be okay.
Ten.Four Hundred & Eighteen
1. I step outside onto the back stoop to see if I can capture the beginning of dawn. Snap. Snap. And then I hear a screetch. It sounds so close and so scary and so unidentifiable to my ears that I hop back through the crack in the sliding glass door.
2. I think of that night around the fire in Tucson with laughter and chocolate and marshmallows. And then that low growl that came from the darkness. And how we wanted to run but not run too fast.
3. I drink my water with apple cider vinegar and a little bit of raw honey because I've got something going on and I have to figure out what it is. Stress plus allergies plus not enough restful sleep? I just feel like I'm in need of a deep cleansing, in more ways than one.
4. We take a quick bike ride. The sun is shining and the air is crisp; you can tell that it's almost fall. We spot the cranes and the heron. I see milkweeds that have fallen over and they've cut back some of the tall vegetation that was there just last week. I'm sad for the plant life lost but now, in some places, you have a clear view right down to the water and it's pleasing to see.
5. It used to be that when I cleaned I was full of gratitude. I thought of it as infusing every corner of the home with love and appreciation. Now, every wipe is a new worry or question; "why" and "maybe" and "how come."
6. The good news is that we haven't done any worse. But we could still do better.
7. Yes. We will do another one. We always know when it's time. That's what I love about liberated lines, it's one of those things that was started out of our personal need. We created what we needed for ourselves and now it's something that has touched others. That is a gift.
8. Polizziano Rosso di Montepulciano (I love saying Italian out loud) and Tiefenbrunner Pinot Grigio.
9. My first ever sauce from home grown tomatoes. I think of how in a year or two I can make the entire sauce from scratch—I'll grow my onions and the garlic too. But this sauce is a little tangy, a little sweet, a perfect marriage with the shavings of aged Parmesan. Good food is healing.
10. Brain games.
Ten.Four Hundred & Seventeen
1. In the dream she says to me, “it’s signed and on its way.” This feels like a good omen.
2. But in the next series of dreams my toenail falls off.
3. I add coconut yogurt to today’s smoothie and no one likes it but me. Noted.
4. There's ice all over the floor and I yell. Loudly. No, I am not that composed considering the circumstances. Not at all.
5. Dishes and client work and lots of water. The quietness of today. I can’t believe it’s already Wednesday.
6. Day date. Mission Impossible. Tom Cruise is a nut in real life but I love him as Ethan Hunt.
7. For one afternoon I escape the stresses of right now. Ethan Hunt has to get the plutonium from terrorists. I just need to sell my house.
8. Canadian and Argentinian Pinot Noir. If nothing else, my wine studies have helped me experiment with confidence. I'd like to give others the same kind of confidence.
9. Anything is possible.
10. I keep the dream in mind.
Ten.Four Hundred & Sixteen
1. Thin coating of fog over everything.
2. Blueberry muffins. Yes.
3. #29. Collaborative Dreaming. Trust your voice. Trust others to help you along the way. Find the ones who are in alignment with your visions. Trust. Trust. Trust.
4. I had forgotten how healing these conversations are. I’ve gotten out of the habit of listening to podcasts—less time in the car alone. But yes, so healing.
5. I miss my turn because I’m listening so hard.
6. Coffee and mimosas with them.
7. I keep looking at my watch. He forgot.
8. I write it all out. I write that I’m afraid we’ll never sell the house and that the company will decide not to help us get out of it. I write that I’m confused as to why no one is coming to look. I write that I’m jealous that they sold so fast and that their moving truck is here. I write that I’m angry at myself for being envious. I write that I know stewing in the negativity does me no good.
9. I get them vanilla ice cream with salted caramel sauce.
10. Refined Organic.
Ten.Four Hundred & Fifteen
1. 5:15. Trying to work myself back to 4:30 again. I like the extra-quiet hours before dawn.
2. Apple-cider vinegar with a dab of raw honey in water before anything else today.
3. The color of the fruit blended together. Food is art.
4. I burn 20 cloves of garlic in the oil in an attempt to replicate something I saw on television. I get it right the second time, let the infused oil cool and then toss in fresh rosemary and the lamb chops so that they can marinate.
5. Headaches. I know what they are from: too much screen time. I've been telling myself that I need to get better. I'm not really good at moderation. I'm more of an all or nothing kind of person.
6. Laundry and lots of tea and water and salad with cranberries and candied walnuts.
7. The sky looks like rain.
8. The same tiny bird with a little bit of red on his head keeps hopping around on the back stoop. He makes me smile.
9. My neighbors had their house packed up today. I don't want to be jealous but I am. I don't want to helpless or hopeless but I kind of do. I know that this is not the right attitude to have but it is the realness of this moment.
10. I'll try again tomorrow.
Ten.Four Hundred & Fourteen
1. What I remember most about the dream is how in love I was and that his house had no foundation—it was propped up on stilts.
2. Bacon too crispy. Hash browns too crispy. Kids made because there is not enough time for everyone to play x-box before the showing.
3. I'm moving slowly because I'm waiting too long to drink my coffee. I take a minute in the kitchen to catch my breath and relax. I have plenty of time. There is plenty of time.
4. Out we go again.
5. We ride in silence. I think of the words to the prayer and try to remember as many as I can but I can't remember them all so I just try to feel them with my heart. I think that matters too—the condition of the heart.
6. I forgot to water the garden.
7. Somone is very interested. It's hard to manage your expectations and emotions when you hear that someone is very interested. It's hard not to let it take over your head. I take the book and go to the alcove and try to finish it. I do. But not without having to redirect my attention every 5 minutes.
8. The way the heat traps itself in these stone corners. I can feel a breeze against my toes and my knees but the upper half of my body sweats.
9. I am only in control of me. Things I can do going forward: send more "thank you" cards; write letters; be extra gracious when in their company; not hold their politics against them; be more firm in my boundaries and trust my own truth.
10. Butternut Squash and bacon pasta never fails.
Ten.Four Hundred & Fourteen
1. What I remember most about the dream is how in love I was and that his house had no foundation—it was propped up on stilts.
2. Bacon too crispy. Hash browns too crispy. Kids made because there is not enough time for everyone to play x-box before the showing.
3. I'm moving slowly because I'm waiting too long to drink my coffee. I take a minute in the kitchen to catch my breath and relax. I have plenty of time. There is plenty of time.
4. Out we go again.
5. We ride in silence. I think of the words to the prayer and try to remember as many as I can but I can't remember them all so I just try to feel them with my heart. I think that matters too—the condition of the heart.
6. I forgot to water the garden.
7. Somone is very interested. It's hard to manage your expectations and emotions when you hear that someone is very interested. It's hard not to let it take over your head. I take the book and go to the alcove and try to finish it. I do. But not without having to redirect my attention every 5 minutes.
8. The way the heat traps itself in these stone corners. I can feel a breeze against my toes and my knees but the upper half of my body sweats.
9. I am only in control of me. Things I can do going forward: send more "thank you" cards; write letters; be extra gracious when in their company; not hold their politics against them; be more firm in my boundaries and trust my own truth.
10. Butternut Squash and bacon pasta never fails.
Ten.Four Hundred & Thirteen
1. Now he has me dreaming of Napa again as a possibility. Could we do it? Maybe.
2. The skies are still low and gray and the tops of the trees are bending in the wind. There is no rain right now but everything looks so wet. It's been a long and very dry month. These are healing rains.
3. Blender. Bulletproof coffee. Smoothie bowls for everyone. First, some homemade granola to layer in.
4. The humidity didn’t go away though and so it’s sticky and warm while I write the pages. I can tell by how I feel that all that will get done today is what must be done. So groceries and a little bit of cleaning. A tiny bit of cooking.
5. Candied walnuts.
6. I want to rest but rest doesn’t come. Browsers. Dump old files. Find the pictures of the silks we died at the ranch. Remember all the mugs of coffee. Endless coffee. And how it didn’t affect me at all.
7. Seared tuna over rice noodles.
8. The way the sun blinds you real good before it disappears behind the hill.
9. Riesling.
10. But we shouldn't go out of guilt. And yet, maybe it's the right thing. I do not know. Family is such a thing.