Ten.Two Hundred & Thirty
1. It must be nerves. 4:30am.
2. This week my past has come to haunt me in my dreams. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been so anxious about the future.
3. The fog is back.
4. 5am run to the grocery store for all the travel-sized things I didn’t get yesterday. And for cereal and yogurt for them.
5. Still missing them even though they are breathing in the space above me. I understand what my mother meant when she told me that she didn’t recommend having children. Motherhood is the most beautiful and yet most heartbreaking work.
6. I make all of them give me a kiss before they get out of the car.
7. I keep walking from room to room with nothing in my hands.
8. I tell him that one day I hope to not want to throw up every time I’m on my way to the airport.
9. But I know this airport and I know how to get to the rental car thingy.
10. I am here.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-Nine
1. Thick fog and the silhouettes of trees.
2. I love what the fog means—an uptick in temperature. I can't tell if there will be any sun, but to not feel cold in the bones will be nice.
3. She says she's going to be running late. I'm happy. It gives me a few more moments alone to quiet myself. I run to the grocery store to buy a banana, a Naked juice, a bottle of water, a venti smoked butterscotch latte made with coconut milk. I am better now. I feel normal now.
4. I can feel myself dozing off in the chair even as my scalp is being pulled into three different directions.
5. Leftover chicken noodle soup and a bag of fruit snacks before a nap.
6. I at least manage to get the bathrooms cleaned and upstairs vacuumed before the babysitter arrives. She's late. This one is always late. But she can also drive herself.
7. I go for the duck breast and he goes for a pork chop. We decide on a Burgundy from Côte de Beaune that was served way too warm. We're probably the only people at this restaurant asking for their red wine to be chilled down. We decide that we're the worst kind of restaurant guests. Spoiled may be a better word for it. This is what happens when your foodie husband goes from being in the restaurant business to being in the wine business and all of the learning and experiences that come of it. So maybe not spoiled. Maybe "blessed."
8. I leave tomorrow. I am always anxious about travelling. So much energy spent on self-talk to calm the nerves.
9. I haven't even left and I'm already missing them. Isn't that funny. I so desperately am ready for and needing this break, and yet I'm already sad. One of the many paradoxes of parenting.
10. Tomorrow.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-Eight
1. I already see lights on in the bedrooms but decide to ignore it and head downstairs.
2. She want's to start making her lunch at 6:06 am. I send her back upstairs until 6:30. Can I at least get until 6:30?!
3. The sky is on fire but thick strips of gray hide it in places. No sunshine today. At least not the bright, sparkling kind.
4. Today is a full day. I'm grateful that it begins with Mom's group. I just need this reprieve in my day. This little stretch of time that greatly improves my week.
5. "Efforts to deepen your focus will struggle if you don't simultaneously wean your mind from a dependence on distraction." - Cal Newport, Deep Work
6. All I see is the mess on the counter still left from breakfast. And the pile of papers that need to be sorted and then taken downstairs. And the crumbs on the floor.
7. I know that in the box is "Sabbath" by Wayne Muller. I've wanted to pick it up since seeing it at Rachel's during the retreat in Tucson. It feels like a right read. I'm trying not to put too many expectations on my trip, but I have a feeling I'm going to be very changed.
8. One big gym with a lot of yelling dads and screaming kids. You can see on their faces that they are having a hard time focusing. I am too.
9. We play with haiku during the first part of the call. Then muse on love. "Justice is what love looks like in action." - Cornel West. What does my love look like in action? How am I living love in its fullness?
10. I know that tomorrow is another full day. I can make breakfast, then braid my hair, and then start the spaghetti sauce. Yes. Then clean before I have to take them to school—I can at least get the toilets done?—and then go straight to my hair appointment. Hopefully I'll have time to pick up a new water canteen and a pair of leggings before I have to get the kids from school. Oh, must check in with the babysitter too. I need to re-do her hair after school so that it looks decent for the dance on Friday. Also double-check the rental car. I think it's good that I'm about to go away for awhile.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-Seven
1. 5:15. Back to normal. Head still clogged, throat dry. Perfect conditions for sitting in a dentist's chair.
2. The first light. The sliver of moon glowing more yellow than white.
3. Instant oatmeal for them today. They probably will not be too upset about that.
4. What I'm here for, why this all started, is because of connection. Connection is what I'm here for. And for inspiration.
5. I am late to the dentist. This time they need to numb the whole side of my face—even my eye is numb. I forgot my headphones so there's nothing to drown out the noises. I breathe through it instead. They move quickly enough.
6. Lunch at Roka. A glass of Piper-Heidsieck and a glass of Garganega. I didn't realize I'd be seeing people. I wish I didn't look so half-alive. I wish I had worn some red lipstick at least.
7. I clean the kitchen with my coat and shoes still on before we head back out to grab the kids from school.
8. "I just feel so behind on everything," I tell him. I know he wants specifics, but I can't say what specifically. It just feels like everything. "I hope this weekend of conversation and meditation will help," I say. I really hope it does.
9. Maybe it's just winter getting to me. SAD. Or maybe a little depressive episode. Maybe it's just a really bad case of PMS. Maybe it's just stress. I tell him that I'm not sure I'll ever know how to relax.
10. And I know that life is feeling bigger than I can hold when I want to quit it all and start from scratch. But like, to quit everything but family and coffee and books and writing. But I also know that this feeling is temporary. That as soon as I decide to quit I will miss it all. Or maybe I wouldn't if I actually just did it? What would it look like to erase my Facebook page? To erase my Twitter handle? To just have Instagram and this blog and my journal? To just go get a regular job with hours that start and stop, where I spend time with people, get to be a little creative, and maybe get to drink really good wine as a bonus? Does this exist?
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-Six
1. Almost 7. I like this sleeping in thing even though I feel like so much of my morning is wasted.
2. The little ones are begging me for food. I decide to make muffins. I hope those will make them happy this morning.
3. I'm moving slowly. Better than I was but not as good as I could be. This time he's doing the shoveling. I'm grateful that I didn't have to ask.
4. While the muffins bake I go back upstairs to make my bed, tell the boys to clean their rooms, and do a quick clean of the kitchen.
5. Coffee. I take it upstairs and get back under the covers. Just for a few more moments.
6. I feel better once I write my morning pages. Still overwhelmed, but better.
7. I find a babysitter for Valentine's Day.
8. Another dentist appointment in the morning. I hope the Novocaine wears off before my call at 10.
9. I wonder how they'll remember me. Do I still have time to smile more and laugh more so that what they remember is a mother who made them lots of delicious food and was also happy? Is there still time to lightly erase all of those moments where I was short-tempered, lacking patience? Will they be able to know that the constant furrowing of my brow had nothing to do with them but was an outward manifestation of my own inner-workings? Will they come to understand that I was always trying to do my best?
10. I tried. But sponsored content is just not for me. It's not what I'm here for. What am I here for?
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-Five
1. Late.
2. Again, they complain about bacon and pancakes. I am confused.
3. Another 2 inches or so has fallen since they shoveled yesterday afternoon. I decide to just go ahead and do it. We have two basketball games to coach. But I am moving slow and the pain in my fingers starts to settle in quickly.1
4. I ask him if he minds that I skip today’s game to rest. He says “no.” I still feel guilty.
5. Warm lemon water. Hot ginger tea. Twilight Zone. Back to sleep.
6. I warm up a bowl of soup to eat before I need to leave.
7. The sky is still so uninviting.
8. I tell her that the toughness of her week is not her own fault, but winter’s. It’s winter and it’s Febraury. She says she felt trapped. It’s only her second February here in Illinois. I think back to how I, too, felt trapped for so many years. It took me 6 or 7 years to get over how much I dislike winter. I know the way depression sets in.
9. She’s looking for a friend. I need to make time for her.
10. I want to go back to sleep.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-Four
1. He tells me that it's 7 o'clock.
2. Pale gray light fills the room and it is quiet.
3. Downstairs the children are watching Netflix on an iPad and eating cereal without milk.
4. I take a big glass of warm lemon water and a big mug of ginger tea back up to bed. I fall asleep.
5. The doorbell rings and I come downstairs. She wants to know if my daughter can come play in the snow. Her parents, my neighbors, are shoveling my driveway. I yell as much gratitude as I can with my squeaky voice. I feel guilty. Guilty but primarily grateful.
6. More ginger tea and back to sleep.
7. Twilight Zone. Warm lemon water. Back to sleep.
8. The snow has started again. Warm lemon water. Back to sleep.
9. Leftover tomato soup for dinner. Cornbread with a sliver of butter stuffed inside. One glass of Merlot and 3 glasses of water.
10. Shower. Back to sleep.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-Three
1. There won't be much sunshine today.
2. I sit in the car and listen to the old school hip-hop and R&B station while I wait for the grocery store to open. The lot is full of others like me who want to stock up before the snow comes.
3. Waiting for the call info, cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, appreciating the quiet.
4. Chili over tortilla chips and cheddar.
5. I choose a creamy tomato soup and grilled cheese. Onions cooked in butter. add flour and stir until gold in color. Diced tomatoes, chicken stock, salt, sugar, celery salt. It already smells sweet and savory.
6. Back to flashcards. I want to pass it this year.
7. They've already called off school for tomorrow. I'm thinking of the snow that will not quit. They did say that there would be a lot of snow this winter. I still have not bought him boots.
8. Despite the slowness of this day, I can feel the cold coming on.
9. Two bowls and a couple slices of toasted and buttered bread because I don't eat grilled cheese.
10. The snow is here.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-Two
1. There is the glistening of freshly fallen snow.
2. Once I open the garage I see that another 2 inches has fallen. I grab the shovel and begin to push it off to the side. This snow is not as light.
3. I can feel the cold settle into my fingers. I think about how yesterday the numbness lingered throughout the morning. I wonder if it's time for me to consider a lifestyle change and work on our diet. I've been lazy in the kitchen these past few months. And what you eat really does matter. I know this because I've made the hard changes before.
4. And I think I just need to remember what good health felt like and stop thinking about all that I will miss. Besides, everything in moderation.
5. This is the shallow work time of my day. I know that I will have two periods of deep work once the children have gone to school.
6. The whining. So much whining. I think he is just tired.
7. I have this idea for an article I want to pitch. I talk to my first interviewee and then know that there is even more to this idea than I thought.
8. “First forget inspiration. Habit is more dependable. Habit will sustain you whether you're inspired or not. Habit will help you finish and polish your stories. Inspiration won't. Habit is persistence in practice.” - Octavia Butler
9. There is more snow coming. I still have not bought him snow boots.
10. 7 days until Santa Cruz. 20 days until Napa. 76 days until Fever Dreams Collective.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-One
1. There is only a light dusting of snow. Not enough for me to shovel. So I head out to the store.
2. Pre-dawn shopping trips should not be my new normal.
3. But today is going to be a sunny day and I am glad to know that. It's also Tuesday.
4. Everyone seems to be quite pleased with cereal and milk for breakfast after yesterday's bacon and toast debacle. It's the little things I suppose.
5. Corners of the kitchen are glowing electric orange. I try to capture them with my phone but it doesn't look quite the same and I give up and just let myself enjoy them.
6. I am more hungry than I realize.
7. Eater Chicago did a short blurb on Black F&B and I am excited to see the coverage. It's exciting to see your work in major publications. And yet I'm still having dreams about inadequacy.
8. I keep thinking about the dream because it was so odd and so unlike anything. Rooms bathes in dusty pink light, pink chairs, gold jackets.
9. We use the Olive Garden gift card to get take-out for dinner tonight. My vision is a little blurry and my heart hurts a little bit. I think I am just drained. Too many late nights these past couple of weeks.
10. I feel a cold starting. More rest. More ginger and cinnamon tea. More quiet.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty
1. I am a little late coming downstairs. The light is already here.
2. Light gray. Dusty rose. Pale blue.
3. No one is happy about bacon and toast for breakfast again. I’m also out of sliced cheese. They are killing my vibe.
4. There is not enough coffee to keep me warm.
5. Fever Dreams.
6. The snow is just beginning. I am wishing for basketball to be cancelled. I am wishing for winter to be over.
7. I make him a cheese quesadilla and keep refreshing my email to see if practice will be cancelled.
8. The snow is light but there is still a lot of it.
9. I drive with my hands gripped around the steering wheel. Everyone is moving so slowly. I can’t see the lines in the road.
10. I pull the van in the garage and then get out to shovel again. The neighbors next door are also out. So is the guy three doors down. If I have to be out here, at least I’m not out here alone. The snow is glittering like diamonds.
Ten.Two Hundred & Nineteen
1. I hear the alarm and decide to turn it off and go back to sleep.
2. I can sense the light creeping in to the room. All I want is someone to bring me coffee.
3. He offers to bring me coffee.
4. I eat grapes and drink the coffee and read.
5. “Your will, in other words, is not a manifestation of your character...”
6. The nap was long and luxurious. And so needed.
7. We chat on the phone about me and my work, her and her writing.
8. The light. So much light.
9. The smell of the dough. I dump it onto the counter and watch it spread. I cut it into six triangles and then roll each one into a rope. It is elastic and yeasty and light.
10. It is going to happen. It is going to happen.
Ten.Two Hundred & Eighteen
1. I thought I was going to sleep in today. Maybe tomorrow.
2. Someone has bought the last spot. And it's a someone we'd been hoping could come since the beginning. I'm grateful she will be with us. What I love about these in-person experiences is that I'm often getting to finally hug the people I've been emoji-kissing for years and years.
3. I still have no idea what to make for breakfast. I send them out for donuts.
4. The coffee doesn't taste good this morning. Maybe I'm just feeling discombobulated.
5. Team pictures before the game.
6. The ref comes over to me and asks me how last week went. I tell him about the dad-coach from the other team. He tells me that next time that happens, I need to tell him. Basically, he lets me know that he's on my side. My faith is renewed. I'm glad last week's behavior didn't go unnoticed.
7. Home just long enough to make and eat a BLT before the next game.
8. They lose in the way that’s hard to watch—not because they were out-skilled but because they were out-played. They didn’t show up. Where am I not showing up?
9. Roasted chicken and William Fevre Chablis.
10. We go over the schedule for On Being. It’s a full day of conversations, meals, and break out sessions with people from some of my favorite podcast episodes. And I can go meditate with Sylvia Boorstein. He laughs at how giddy I am.
Ten.Two Hundred & Seventeen
1. There is that glow coming over the rooftops.
2. After yesterday, today is going to be a breeze. Emotionally, I mean. There is still work to do but this time it's fun.
3. It's bright, but cold.
4. I head to the basement to work. It is cold. I plug in the heater, turn on the music and then run back upstairs for more coffee to keep me warm.
5. I manage to shoot, upload, and edit in a little over an hour which means that I should be able to do more product photography this quickly. I may need to follow this thread.
6. I grab the Momofuku cookbook because I'm craving something Asian-inspired. I settle on a hanger steak recipe. I will make this on Sunday. Tonight will be beef stroganoff. This kind of weather asks for something simple, comforting, hearty.
7. I think it's fair to say that we're both disappointed.
8. I am still tired. My brain still hurts. I am trying to figure out how to keep moving.
9. How many more times will we have to repeat this?
10. Basketball tomorrow. I don't know what to make for breakfast. California soon. I'll be warm again soon. I'm so tired. Maybe I need to get off the coffee again? California soon. California soon.
Ten.Two Hundred & Sixteen
1. This morning the sky is clear and the moon is still so full and bright.
2. I toss up a few prayers to just get myself through the morning.
3. He takes the kids to school and I pour myself another cup of coffee before heading down to the basement. The floor is cold.
4. I still wasn't able to get it all done. One day I will learn to be okay with "good enough."
5. We don't have a clear connection. The clearest connection I have is outside on the front porch. It's cold. I don't have time to grab my jacket. I don't want to frustrate the reporter by going in and out, cutting in and out. My mind is elsewhere right now and I hope that whatever I'm saying makes sense.
6. Stay present.
7. It's only Thursday. I mean, I'm glad that it's Thursday and not Wednesday because I need some quiet corners. I need a sleepy Sunday.
8. Balancing Act. I do choose this one because the name of it makes me laugh. Because there is no such thing as balance in life. I'm okay with there never being balance. With understanding that the tide is always turning. I'm getting better at riding the waves.
9. She tells me that her friend just registered for the retreat. I go to check the email and see that yes, one more woman is going. Which means there is only one spot remaining. I text her back that I'm crying in my kitchen. I'm crying because it's been a stressful January but also because of the women who have said "yes." Because of how all of them are helping me realize a dream that's been 7 years in the making.
10. Chicken tacos are still my favorite thing to eat.
10.1 I can feel the cold coming in from the fireplace. The low tonight will be 5 degrees. It's as if February wants to remind us that it's still winter. Don't get to comfortable. Thirteen more days until On Being. Twenty-four more days until Napa. Eighty-two more days until Fever Dreams Collective.
Ten.Two Hundred & Fifteen
1. I first find the moon.
2. I can see it from the back door, bits of it peeking through the clouds. White and glowing against the black night sky.
3. I hear the footsteps of something else crunching through the frosty grass and turn around and run.
4. At the top of the page: WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE FIRST? I write three things. Yes, let's just get through the first three things.
5. It always takes more time than you think it will. It takes me a whole hour to get through their rooms, sorting and throwing away.
6. An American Girl doll with half of its hair cut off. Remembering that children do these kinds of things. Recognizing that I'm still disappointed.
7. The sun is out. I take a moment to lay down and rest. It's so amazing to me how a busy mind makes a whole a body tired.
8. Homemade pizza dough. Dinner is a little late but I needed to make something by hand.
9. Disconnected.
10. It always takes more time.
Ten.Two Hundred & Fourteen
1. I am always running tot he store at 5:30 in the morning. But I do like this time best. There is hardly ever anyone here.
2. I return with muffin mix to make a quick breakfast. Lately my mind has been too preoccupied with other things to do a proper meal plan.
3. But what am I doing?
4. She talks about how she learned the hustle from her father. How she learned that you can always figure out how to do what you want to do.
5. I finally get to see her face on the screen. "Less than 90 days. Can you believe it?!" I think about how this particular dream has been over a year in the making. How we have so much more to do. How I am so excited for it all.
6. There is nothing for dinner. I go back out to grab chicken breasts, pasta, and capers. And ice cream.
7. I sit and think about what I want to say to the women tonight for our liberated lines call. There is always so much. Sometimes too much. I hope it comes out in a way that makes sense. I hope they are getting what they need.
8. Cold tea.
9. There is still so much to do before Thursday. I just want it to be done already.
10. She asks me how she can help. I tell her that I just need one more heart to pull this desire into solid form soon. I'm just ready for an answer.
Ten.Two Hundred & Thirteen
1. I can't see the glow and so that means today will be cloudy.
2. There is something about the color of the earth outside. Black-brown. Wet. Unforgiving.
3. I don't know why dentists try to talk to you while your mouth is pried open. What's appropriate here?
4. I am more relaxed today. I am choosing to focus on life right now. Trying to keep my mind present.
5. Sushi for lunch. Cape Mantelle Sauvignon Blanc/Semillon.
6. I think it might be the first time in a long time someone said to me, "Are you scared?" Which is really a great question. Because there is a certain kind of relief and ease that comes from being able to breathe out "Yes," unlike when someone asks you, "What are you afraid of?" The question, "Are you scared?" doesn't put you on the spot, searching for something legitimate to say. It puts you in your truth.
7. Dinner is leftovers. We have basketball practice tonight. On the drive I think of the dad-coaches from Saturday. The anger has moved. It is no longer in my throat but now resting right above the diaphragm. Once I see my kids though, spend the hour with them shuffling feet and practicing bounce passes and cheering them on when they remember to dribble down the court, the anger fades away.
8. I am not hungry. It is a nervous thing.
9. 86 days until Fever Dreams.
10. 18 days until On Being.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twelve
1. I turn off the alarm.
2. The light. A pale shade of blue coming in through the slats. No voices but I know they are all awake.
3. It's Sunday but I don't feel like making breakfast today and so they eat cereal and frozen waffles, toast and fruit.
4. I can't seem to finish my cup of coffee. I keep returning to the pot for a warm-up.
5. I am the first one at the studio. Once inside I remove my coat and start boiling water. I needed this break today. I needed to escape. I needed to be here, in this place that inspires me.
6. Her space just has good energy. It's some combination of the light, the props, the furniture, the artwork, the openness, the view of the city skyline.
7. The reporter is sweet and has good questions and I love the tone of her voice. When she looks at you she is really looking at you.
8. She hands me a bottle of Beaujolais that she picked up from 57th Street Wines. I am so grateful. We will eat together soon.
9. Roasted chicken. Slightly underdone wild rice. Brussel sprouts.
10. He is right, though. We are getting what we wanted. Just let it take how ever long it takes.
Ten.Two Hundred & Eleven
1. Low hanging clouds settling over the golf course out back but I think the sun is still coming.
2. Morning pages with coffee. My writing and is slow and large today. This is intentional. I mean to be taking my time.
3. I decided to a little vision page. These are the words and images that called to me this week. There are the images and words I'll focus on.
4. Kindergarten/First-Grade basketball. This will be interesting.
5. He says something to me that makes me shake. I highly doubt he would have said something like this to me if I were a man. I wonder for a minute if I am oversensitive due to other stress but then remember to trust my self. I know what I am feeling.
6. We exit the gym and on the way to the car I tell my husband about the dad-coach on the other team. How I was shaking with anger for the way he talked to me like I was a child. For the way the ref talked to me as if I was a child. Who do they think they are?
7. I am angry at them. I am angry at myself for not having stood up for myself. "You need to command your presence," he says. "I'm not used to people disrespecting me," I say. "It all caught me off guard."
8. I think about the sexism and racism at play today. How this is just the first game that myself and the other coach, another black woman, will experience like this. How maybe none of the refs or the other white dad-coaches will respect us, talk to us as if we're equals. I think about how we will feel this especially because we are two black women coaching a predominantly white team in a predominantly white league of a predominantly white suburb.
9. I am still mad but remember what I said to him in the garage, "What you focus on expands."
10. I am still mad.