Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-Three
1. There won't be much sunshine today.
2. I sit in the car and listen to the old school hip-hop and R&B station while I wait for the grocery store to open. The lot is full of others like me who want to stock up before the snow comes.
3. Waiting for the call info, cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, appreciating the quiet.
4. Chili over tortilla chips and cheddar.
5. I choose a creamy tomato soup and grilled cheese. Onions cooked in butter. add flour and stir until gold in color. Diced tomatoes, chicken stock, salt, sugar, celery salt. It already smells sweet and savory.
6. Back to flashcards. I want to pass it this year.
7. They've already called off school for tomorrow. I'm thinking of the snow that will not quit. They did say that there would be a lot of snow this winter. I still have not bought him boots.
8. Despite the slowness of this day, I can feel the cold coming on.
9. Two bowls and a couple slices of toasted and buttered bread because I don't eat grilled cheese.
10. The snow is here.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-Two
1. There is the glistening of freshly fallen snow.
2. Once I open the garage I see that another 2 inches has fallen. I grab the shovel and begin to push it off to the side. This snow is not as light.
3. I can feel the cold settle into my fingers. I think about how yesterday the numbness lingered throughout the morning. I wonder if it's time for me to consider a lifestyle change and work on our diet. I've been lazy in the kitchen these past few months. And what you eat really does matter. I know this because I've made the hard changes before.
4. And I think I just need to remember what good health felt like and stop thinking about all that I will miss. Besides, everything in moderation.
5. This is the shallow work time of my day. I know that I will have two periods of deep work once the children have gone to school.
6. The whining. So much whining. I think he is just tired.
7. I have this idea for an article I want to pitch. I talk to my first interviewee and then know that there is even more to this idea than I thought.
8. “First forget inspiration. Habit is more dependable. Habit will sustain you whether you're inspired or not. Habit will help you finish and polish your stories. Inspiration won't. Habit is persistence in practice.” - Octavia Butler
9. There is more snow coming. I still have not bought him snow boots.
10. 7 days until Santa Cruz. 20 days until Napa. 76 days until Fever Dreams Collective.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty-One
1. There is only a light dusting of snow. Not enough for me to shovel. So I head out to the store.
2. Pre-dawn shopping trips should not be my new normal.
3. But today is going to be a sunny day and I am glad to know that. It's also Tuesday.
4. Everyone seems to be quite pleased with cereal and milk for breakfast after yesterday's bacon and toast debacle. It's the little things I suppose.
5. Corners of the kitchen are glowing electric orange. I try to capture them with my phone but it doesn't look quite the same and I give up and just let myself enjoy them.
6. I am more hungry than I realize.
7. Eater Chicago did a short blurb on Black F&B and I am excited to see the coverage. It's exciting to see your work in major publications. And yet I'm still having dreams about inadequacy.
8. I keep thinking about the dream because it was so odd and so unlike anything. Rooms bathes in dusty pink light, pink chairs, gold jackets.
9. We use the Olive Garden gift card to get take-out for dinner tonight. My vision is a little blurry and my heart hurts a little bit. I think I am just drained. Too many late nights these past couple of weeks.
10. I feel a cold starting. More rest. More ginger and cinnamon tea. More quiet.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twenty
1. I am a little late coming downstairs. The light is already here.
2. Light gray. Dusty rose. Pale blue.
3. No one is happy about bacon and toast for breakfast again. I’m also out of sliced cheese. They are killing my vibe.
4. There is not enough coffee to keep me warm.
5. Fever Dreams.
6. The snow is just beginning. I am wishing for basketball to be cancelled. I am wishing for winter to be over.
7. I make him a cheese quesadilla and keep refreshing my email to see if practice will be cancelled.
8. The snow is light but there is still a lot of it.
9. I drive with my hands gripped around the steering wheel. Everyone is moving so slowly. I can’t see the lines in the road.
10. I pull the van in the garage and then get out to shovel again. The neighbors next door are also out. So is the guy three doors down. If I have to be out here, at least I’m not out here alone. The snow is glittering like diamonds.
Ten.Two Hundred & Nineteen
1. I hear the alarm and decide to turn it off and go back to sleep.
2. I can sense the light creeping in to the room. All I want is someone to bring me coffee.
3. He offers to bring me coffee.
4. I eat grapes and drink the coffee and read.
5. “Your will, in other words, is not a manifestation of your character...”
6. The nap was long and luxurious. And so needed.
7. We chat on the phone about me and my work, her and her writing.
8. The light. So much light.
9. The smell of the dough. I dump it onto the counter and watch it spread. I cut it into six triangles and then roll each one into a rope. It is elastic and yeasty and light.
10. It is going to happen. It is going to happen.
Ten.Two Hundred & Eighteen
1. I thought I was going to sleep in today. Maybe tomorrow.
2. Someone has bought the last spot. And it's a someone we'd been hoping could come since the beginning. I'm grateful she will be with us. What I love about these in-person experiences is that I'm often getting to finally hug the people I've been emoji-kissing for years and years.
3. I still have no idea what to make for breakfast. I send them out for donuts.
4. The coffee doesn't taste good this morning. Maybe I'm just feeling discombobulated.
5. Team pictures before the game.
6. The ref comes over to me and asks me how last week went. I tell him about the dad-coach from the other team. He tells me that next time that happens, I need to tell him. Basically, he lets me know that he's on my side. My faith is renewed. I'm glad last week's behavior didn't go unnoticed.
7. Home just long enough to make and eat a BLT before the next game.
8. They lose in the way that’s hard to watch—not because they were out-skilled but because they were out-played. They didn’t show up. Where am I not showing up?
9. Roasted chicken and William Fevre Chablis.
10. We go over the schedule for On Being. It’s a full day of conversations, meals, and break out sessions with people from some of my favorite podcast episodes. And I can go meditate with Sylvia Boorstein. He laughs at how giddy I am.
Ten.Two Hundred & Seventeen
1. There is that glow coming over the rooftops.
2. After yesterday, today is going to be a breeze. Emotionally, I mean. There is still work to do but this time it's fun.
3. It's bright, but cold.
4. I head to the basement to work. It is cold. I plug in the heater, turn on the music and then run back upstairs for more coffee to keep me warm.
5. I manage to shoot, upload, and edit in a little over an hour which means that I should be able to do more product photography this quickly. I may need to follow this thread.
6. I grab the Momofuku cookbook because I'm craving something Asian-inspired. I settle on a hanger steak recipe. I will make this on Sunday. Tonight will be beef stroganoff. This kind of weather asks for something simple, comforting, hearty.
7. I think it's fair to say that we're both disappointed.
8. I am still tired. My brain still hurts. I am trying to figure out how to keep moving.
9. How many more times will we have to repeat this?
10. Basketball tomorrow. I don't know what to make for breakfast. California soon. I'll be warm again soon. I'm so tired. Maybe I need to get off the coffee again? California soon. California soon.
Ten.Two Hundred & Sixteen
1. This morning the sky is clear and the moon is still so full and bright.
2. I toss up a few prayers to just get myself through the morning.
3. He takes the kids to school and I pour myself another cup of coffee before heading down to the basement. The floor is cold.
4. I still wasn't able to get it all done. One day I will learn to be okay with "good enough."
5. We don't have a clear connection. The clearest connection I have is outside on the front porch. It's cold. I don't have time to grab my jacket. I don't want to frustrate the reporter by going in and out, cutting in and out. My mind is elsewhere right now and I hope that whatever I'm saying makes sense.
6. Stay present.
7. It's only Thursday. I mean, I'm glad that it's Thursday and not Wednesday because I need some quiet corners. I need a sleepy Sunday.
8. Balancing Act. I do choose this one because the name of it makes me laugh. Because there is no such thing as balance in life. I'm okay with there never being balance. With understanding that the tide is always turning. I'm getting better at riding the waves.
9. She tells me that her friend just registered for the retreat. I go to check the email and see that yes, one more woman is going. Which means there is only one spot remaining. I text her back that I'm crying in my kitchen. I'm crying because it's been a stressful January but also because of the women who have said "yes." Because of how all of them are helping me realize a dream that's been 7 years in the making.
10. Chicken tacos are still my favorite thing to eat.
10.1 I can feel the cold coming in from the fireplace. The low tonight will be 5 degrees. It's as if February wants to remind us that it's still winter. Don't get to comfortable. Thirteen more days until On Being. Twenty-four more days until Napa. Eighty-two more days until Fever Dreams Collective.
Ten.Two Hundred & Fifteen
1. I first find the moon.
2. I can see it from the back door, bits of it peeking through the clouds. White and glowing against the black night sky.
3. I hear the footsteps of something else crunching through the frosty grass and turn around and run.
4. At the top of the page: WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE FIRST? I write three things. Yes, let's just get through the first three things.
5. It always takes more time than you think it will. It takes me a whole hour to get through their rooms, sorting and throwing away.
6. An American Girl doll with half of its hair cut off. Remembering that children do these kinds of things. Recognizing that I'm still disappointed.
7. The sun is out. I take a moment to lay down and rest. It's so amazing to me how a busy mind makes a whole a body tired.
8. Homemade pizza dough. Dinner is a little late but I needed to make something by hand.
9. Disconnected.
10. It always takes more time.
Ten.Two Hundred & Fourteen
1. I am always running tot he store at 5:30 in the morning. But I do like this time best. There is hardly ever anyone here.
2. I return with muffin mix to make a quick breakfast. Lately my mind has been too preoccupied with other things to do a proper meal plan.
3. But what am I doing?
4. She talks about how she learned the hustle from her father. How she learned that you can always figure out how to do what you want to do.
5. I finally get to see her face on the screen. "Less than 90 days. Can you believe it?!" I think about how this particular dream has been over a year in the making. How we have so much more to do. How I am so excited for it all.
6. There is nothing for dinner. I go back out to grab chicken breasts, pasta, and capers. And ice cream.
7. I sit and think about what I want to say to the women tonight for our liberated lines call. There is always so much. Sometimes too much. I hope it comes out in a way that makes sense. I hope they are getting what they need.
8. Cold tea.
9. There is still so much to do before Thursday. I just want it to be done already.
10. She asks me how she can help. I tell her that I just need one more heart to pull this desire into solid form soon. I'm just ready for an answer.
Ten.Two Hundred & Thirteen
1. I can't see the glow and so that means today will be cloudy.
2. There is something about the color of the earth outside. Black-brown. Wet. Unforgiving.
3. I don't know why dentists try to talk to you while your mouth is pried open. What's appropriate here?
4. I am more relaxed today. I am choosing to focus on life right now. Trying to keep my mind present.
5. Sushi for lunch. Cape Mantelle Sauvignon Blanc/Semillon.
6. I think it might be the first time in a long time someone said to me, "Are you scared?" Which is really a great question. Because there is a certain kind of relief and ease that comes from being able to breathe out "Yes," unlike when someone asks you, "What are you afraid of?" The question, "Are you scared?" doesn't put you on the spot, searching for something legitimate to say. It puts you in your truth.
7. Dinner is leftovers. We have basketball practice tonight. On the drive I think of the dad-coaches from Saturday. The anger has moved. It is no longer in my throat but now resting right above the diaphragm. Once I see my kids though, spend the hour with them shuffling feet and practicing bounce passes and cheering them on when they remember to dribble down the court, the anger fades away.
8. I am not hungry. It is a nervous thing.
9. 86 days until Fever Dreams.
10. 18 days until On Being.
Ten.Two Hundred & Twelve
1. I turn off the alarm.
2. The light. A pale shade of blue coming in through the slats. No voices but I know they are all awake.
3. It's Sunday but I don't feel like making breakfast today and so they eat cereal and frozen waffles, toast and fruit.
4. I can't seem to finish my cup of coffee. I keep returning to the pot for a warm-up.
5. I am the first one at the studio. Once inside I remove my coat and start boiling water. I needed this break today. I needed to escape. I needed to be here, in this place that inspires me.
6. Her space just has good energy. It's some combination of the light, the props, the furniture, the artwork, the openness, the view of the city skyline.
7. The reporter is sweet and has good questions and I love the tone of her voice. When she looks at you she is really looking at you.
8. She hands me a bottle of Beaujolais that she picked up from 57th Street Wines. I am so grateful. We will eat together soon.
9. Roasted chicken. Slightly underdone wild rice. Brussel sprouts.
10. He is right, though. We are getting what we wanted. Just let it take how ever long it takes.
Ten.Two Hundred & Eleven
1. Low hanging clouds settling over the golf course out back but I think the sun is still coming.
2. Morning pages with coffee. My writing and is slow and large today. This is intentional. I mean to be taking my time.
3. I decided to a little vision page. These are the words and images that called to me this week. There are the images and words I'll focus on.
4. Kindergarten/First-Grade basketball. This will be interesting.
5. He says something to me that makes me shake. I highly doubt he would have said something like this to me if I were a man. I wonder for a minute if I am oversensitive due to other stress but then remember to trust my self. I know what I am feeling.
6. We exit the gym and on the way to the car I tell my husband about the dad-coach on the other team. How I was shaking with anger for the way he talked to me like I was a child. For the way the ref talked to me as if I was a child. Who do they think they are?
7. I am angry at them. I am angry at myself for not having stood up for myself. "You need to command your presence," he says. "I'm not used to people disrespecting me," I say. "It all caught me off guard."
8. I think about the sexism and racism at play today. How this is just the first game that myself and the other coach, another black woman, will experience like this. How maybe none of the refs or the other white dad-coaches will respect us, talk to us as if we're equals. I think about how we will feel this especially because we are two black women coaching a predominantly white team in a predominantly white league of a predominantly white suburb.
9. I am still mad but remember what I said to him in the garage, "What you focus on expands."
10. I am still mad.
Ten.Two Hundred & Ten
1. It's warm and so the heat isn't blowing which means that it really is so very quiet.
2. There should be sun today. I can see a little sliver of emerald green. I will never get over sunrises.
3. Today is the day we launch Black Food & Bev. So much work. So much fun. So much gratitude.
4. I look up and realize that I have only one more hour before the kids are out of school. Half-day. No work done. Nothing that I needed to actually do today is getting done.
5. This leftover soup with extra cilantro. Trying to stay fed. Trying to stay full.
6. The way doubt and fear move through your body and settle in at the base of your neck. A gentle choking.
7. Where is my faith?
8. The color of sunset. Purple and blue and pink and orange. Deep breath.
9. We vent to one another in the kitchen while he eats the rest of his ice cream and I wipe down the counters. Remembering that we are both doing this together.
10. Where is my faith?
Ten.Two Hundred & Nine
1. It's just a little after 5. Even though it's still dark I can tell that the air looks thin. I hope this means sun.
2. I suppose I could just check my phone and look at the weather.
3. I run to the store and grab coffee and cereal. I need the space created from a self-served breakfast.
4. I find the rectangle of light in the foyer and sit in it. Let the sun hit my face. Remember that I'm going to California next month.
5. This is still hard. Even though I know what to do and have done it before, this is still really hard.
6. Leftover chicken tortilla soup for lunch. I eat it in bed, alone, in the quiet, as I stare out the window.
7. I think back to my mother's words, "He's usually right about a lot of things." And so I go back to it. Everything right now is about my mindset. What am I choosing to focus on? How can I make this very hard thing a little easier on myself.
8. Since last fall I've been challenging myself to find and keep close the ways in which I can elevate my spirits. I loosely call is self-care. But maybe it needs a different name. Maybe wholeness is more accurate. I'm trying to figure out how to stay whole.
9. The way the sunlight catches the feathers in the windowsill.
10. Bare.
Ten.Two Hundred & Eight
1. 4:34 am.
2. My teeth hurt. I must have been grinding extra hard last night. Must make a note to relax my jaw today.
3. Still so dark. I rush and put on my boots and coat to take the trash bins out. A think layer of glass over everything. I let the weight of trash bins pull me down the driveway as if I'm on skates.
4. Him taking the kids to school gives me just 20 very glorious minutes of alone time in the house to clean up the evidence of living.
5. Wendell Berry's "How To Be A Poet." Communicate Slowly. Live a three-dimensional life...
6. I move my computer upstairs to the bedroom for a change of scenery. I just didn't feel like today could be another day at the dining room table. Plus I need to move away from the reminders of all that needs to be done.
7. Can I even get all of this done by Monday? It's all happening so quickly and yet so slowly and it is hard to hold.
8. I want to just write poetry. I think about the freedom that might come from some other kind of work that is not based on my own creativity. Would there be more space to dream?
9. Bare black branches against the grayed out sky. The golden-brown of the dormant grass on the berm. Little hints of green in the grass where the snow has melted away.
10. I am ready for this.
Ten.Two Hundred & Seven
1. A think layer of white over everything.
2. The thud of feet hitting the ground. It is too early for them to be up.
3. Bacon and eggs and toast. I skip all of that for a banana and a cappuccino.
4. The floors still need to be swept. Tiny dried-up shreds of cheese are scattered around the base of the refrigerator. That's another thing that will need to be cleaned: the refrigerator.
5. Must take one bite at a time.
6. I can't hold it in anymore.
7. Something about the muffins. She says that she dipped the muffins in melted butter and then dipped them in a cinnamon-sugar mix. Melted butter is always magical.
8. I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying. I needed it. I really needed today.
9. "This is the worst kept secret."
10. "It's the uncertainty that is killing me." Is there ever a sure thing? "I just need more specifics." In this case, would a few extra details really assuage the anxiety? There is such a thing as "too much." You can reach the peak of intake, meaning that at some point, the continued collection of information begins to negatively affect your ability to make a decision. So how do you determine what is enough?
Ten.Two Hundred & Six
1. It's the loud rumble of thunder that wakes me. It feels misplaced. Isn't this winter? Thunder doesn't belong here.
2. The light reflection off the wet pavement. Everything is so quiet.
3. I am trying not to yell at them. I sound like I am hissing every word.
4. Car wash sounds. Big glue strips of something slamming against and rolling over the car. No vision. I see why this is scary.
5. I think he is taking me to lunch to see if it will perk me up. My silence makes him uncomfortable. I fill up on a glass of champagne and a burger, one scoop of sea salt caramel ice cream in a cone. The mist is hitting my face.
6. That feeling of thinking all the things and yet thinking nothing at the same time.
7. I remember when I had a regular yoga practice—90 minutes twice a week, sometimes three, and how at peace I was. It was the movement and the breath and the quiet. It was the comfort of routine: pouring myself a cup of weak coffee into a Styrofoam cup before heading up the stairs to the studio; placing that cup of coffee on the windowsill by the radiator; unrolling my mat; staring out the window to look out on the world below; sitting on my mat drinking the weak coffee and centering myself before class began; then intentional focus on my body and my breath. The kind of dedicated awareness. I don't know why I'm thinking of this now. It feels like there is no time for this.
8. This group of 1st graders can actually play. Maybe even better than my 4th graders from last session. I tell myself that next time I volunteer to do something like this, I'll take the lead. No more assisting.
9. Chicken Tortilla Soup at 8:30pm.
10. At least the bathrooms are clean.
Ten.Two Hundred & Five
1. I think I will make them muffins today. Just a plain one topped with cinnamon and sugar.
2. The sky is still so muted. The rains are coming.
3. I make my way to meet her in Oak Park at our usual spot. The food is just regular, but I love the way the light comes through the window.
4. Their conversation on technology. His story about how the Amish decide what technologies to adapt and what to leave behind. Two questions: Does this add value to my family? Does this add value to my community? These are good questions of discernment for any decision.
5. Yes, the food is regular but I the light is amazing. As I watch her talk I keep wishing I had my camera to capture her in those moments between her sips of coffee.
6. How to Survive the End of the World.
7. I forgot my grocery list.
8. I think I figured out the ingredients to a productive writing session: 10 minutes of meditation, a closed door, and '90s alternative blasting in my ear drums. I write better when I'm dancing.
9. How do you write a freaking resume, any way? How do women do it? How do we try to re-enter the traditional system after such a non-traditional way of being? How do you prove that you can do the things you've never done before simply because you believe you can? Who am I really trying to convince?
10. At least they are both done. I couldn't manage to fit in the quote where he says that women will be your greatest allies. I think I might have raised my hand like they do in church in when they say, "amen."
Ten.Two Hundred & Four
1. I'm the first one at the donut shop. I buy two dozen. One for home and another to pass out to the boys after our game.
2. Two cappuccinos with a thick layer of foam. I sweeten them with sugar. I don't ever put sugar in my coffee but I want it today.
3. I sit down on the folding chair and let out a deep sigh. The other coach asks me if I'm ready. I want to tell him that it's not the game. It's so many other things.
4. Mind divided.
5. I put my pajama pants back on and lay in bed. We try to make a list to help me ease my nerves. It doesn't really help. I close my eyes instead.
6. The smell of cinnamon sticks, cloves, star anise, and coriander seeds toasting.
7. I start with the easiest thing: removing the stockings. Then I move on to the ornaments, then the lights, lastly the tree.
8. I think back to the question I posed earlier this morning on Facebook. How comforting it is to know I'm not the only person who's body responds to stress by simply shutting down. Sometimes there is space for me to shut down. But not right now. And so I will take their tips and try to shift.
9. There are no more epsom salts left.
10. Still feeling all of the things.