Ten.One Hundred & Seventy-Two
1. I actually really do want him to stop coming into the bed.
2. I burn the bacon. The baby is mad at me. I'm mad at myself, too. I know the husband is going to tell me to start using the timers.
3. It's good to see the doctor because he's an old friend from the old neighborhood. And he's funny. I tell my daughter that she's the worst patient, he whispers to me, "good luck becoming a grandma!"
4. Things piled as high as one can see.
5. The sun today and how it's bright but not too bright. I am warm enough.
6. It's a Tuesday that feels like a Thursday. This short week is dragging along, which is probably a good thing. Like, I need to settle into this feeling of slowness.
7. Onion rings and a vanilla milkshake from Portillo's before I pick up the kids from school. I hide the evidence by rolling to windows down to air out the car and stuff the trash into the center console.
8. Roast chicken. Gratin potatoes. Asparagus with hollandaise. Mini apple tart and some vanilla ice cream for dessert. White Burgundy, Beaujolais, Cherry Pie.
9. The kids are up too late but they're quiet and so I let them be since we have a guest, but I know they'll be hurting tomorrow.
10. 6 days. 56 days. 125 days.
Ten.One Hundred & Seventy-One
1. I can see that the pavement is wet from the mist and fog.
2. The flash from the headlights and the rumble of an engine—my neighbor in his truck heading off to work.
3. This is a choir morning so I mustn't forget to wake her up early.
4. I buy flavored decaf. And it is everything I need it to be.
5. He asks me if it's still raining. I tell him it's not really rain. It's kind of like between misting and raining where it feels like it's kind of spitting in your face.
6. She tells me I look too young to have three kids. I hear this a lot now, especially that I have an almost 10 year old. How have I been a mother and a wife for 10 years already? The passing of time is a funny thing.
7. I dislike shopping.
8. Voice.
9. Basketball practice is long and frustrating. The boys aren't listening. They aren't keeping their hands to themselves. They keep getting on the stage. I need a whistle.
10. So ready for a cup of decaf in the morning.
Ten.One Hundred & Seventy
1. I always start to stir before the 5:15 alarm goes off but today I try to ignore the urge to wake and roll back onto my side and close my eyes.
2. Must move the elf. This is the only reason I get out of bed.
3. Cinnamon rolls from a can and a side of bacon.
4. Laundry. Always.
5. The boys are gone for haircuts and the house is so quiet with just me and her in it.
6. I should have bought the decaf.
7. I see someone's post about wishing there was a pause button for Sundays. But Sunday is the pause button.
8. We aren't very good at keeping the Sabbath.
9. It seems as if my goals are sometimes opposed to my desire for a slow life.
10. I never seem to know where I'm going.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Nine
1. Today is one of those full days that I am only mildly excited about.
2. But at least the sun is out today and it is warmish.
3. My wedding ring flies off my finger in a room full of dribbling 4-to-6 year olds. I am on my hands and knees in front of all the other adults. "It will be shiny!" I say. One of the teenage assistants finds it and I stick it in the bag of cashews my daughter isn't eating. I should really get this resized.
4. I am eating a sandwich. And this is not a big deal for most people, but for weird reasons, it is for me.
5. I'm craving coffee but I don't want to drink coffee so I make a "coffee-like drink" instead: a big mug of bold tea made from chicory, star anise, and allspice, with frothy coconut milk, and a few sprinkles of cinnamon. It's no caramel macchiato but it's satisfying enough.
6. Culivated Ease.
7. Comfort is the killer of the creative spirit.
8. I want to nap but instead browse for more inspiration instead.
9. Prayers of gratitude as I walk into my home.
10. I burn a candle for hope, fill the bathtub with warm water, sprinkle in epsom salt, and pour in lavender oil.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Eight
1. It's hard to ignore the bite of winter cold.
2. My sinuses still feel a little congested. I think the other cause of this fatigue is just the linger infection. It's just that I don't want to get antibiotics.
3. I should probably just go get some antibiotics.
4. She's upset because the biscuits are small. Not because they are burnt, which is definitely what bothered me, but because they are small.
5. The number of times a week I have to tell her to fix her face. But she is just like me in this way: we wear our emotions in our eyes.
6. One day I want to learn how to brew kombucha.
7. Fresh cut fries and ketchup sometimes do the trick. As does a cup of decaf coffee.
8. Dinner is a hodgepodge of leftovers that no one is excited about but everyone eats. A little bit of mom guilt tries to surface but I dust it away.
9. Cherry Pie.
10. He sees me.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Seven
1. A little sliver of white moon.
2. Granola, walnuts, dried cranberries, coconut milk. Warm water with lemon.
3. Blueberry and peach colored sky.
4. I think it's Friday but it's only Thursday which is cleaning day which means podcast time.
5. "Not everything that we’ve inherited is worthy of being passed on, like trauma and like memories and like values that have evolved." - Rabbi Amichai Lau-Lavie
6. The light coming through the foyer window is pale, pale yellow, almost white, and it's making the orange slices glow.
7. My mind is churning and things are making sense.
8. I send her the text because I know that I need it for the next step. This is just another layer of the cake.
9. I remove the towel from the wooden bowl and touch the dough. It is springy and light. I had forgotten how much I missed the ease of this recipe. Roll it out. Rub it with olive oil. Sprinkle with fresh rosemary and the Maldon smoked sea salt Holly sent me.
10. 63 days.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Six
1. It feels especially dark this morning.
2. Bacon and eggs and english muffins and I want coffee but am sticking to my ginger/lemon/cinnamon tea. But despite the craving, I feel good. Tired, but good.
3. It's 6:55 and still so dark. The sky is low and gray.
4. Errands in the cold.
5. I dislike errands so much. The other day, the five of us were talking briefly about removing conflict for a smoother day. What are things I'm brushing up against on a daily basis that cause me irritation?
6. What might be missing is discipline.
7. The smell of cinnamon, coriander, clove, and star anise toasting on the stove top.
8. St. Christopher Piesporter Goldtropfchen Riesling Spatlese. I wish it had a touch more acidity.
9. Keep it simple.
10. Sometimes you forget that actually, you are living the dream. But there's nothing wrong with a little refinement.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Five
1. I forgot to get the salami and his shirt yesterday after practice.
2. The bright silver light from the quarter moon hanging in the blue-black sky.
3. Strawberry muffins from a packet but they smell divine. They would have been a perfect match for coffee—if I was having any.
4. Tuesday. My favorite day. Today I am missing the neighborhood, remembering how it looks when covered in snow. How the trees sparkle with ice on Sunday mornings.
5. "I'm still sad about all those trees," he says. Me too. Me too.
6. This podcast is making me think about shutting down all of my social media and communicating only through handwritten letters. Not because it's talking about technology in a negative way, but because I'm really interested in how to cultivate more we than me.
7. I want to do the webinar because, yes, maybe there is a book in there somewhere.
8. Dentist. She hands me a paper with a list of orthodontists.
9. I am tense when I return home. It's nothing any of them have done. Some combination of the long afternoon at the dentist's office, driving in the dark, day three of no caffeine, planning a new structure for my work.
10. But is it possible for me to make a living in only this way? Can I really create a profitable and sustainable business gathering with women, telling stories, capturing beauty?
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Four
1. I put a pillow in my place and crawl over the youngest to get ready for the day.
2. Morning pages first. I use the last two pages in the journal. I am sad and yet satisfied. This one will stay close to me as I finish out the year. It's full of desert dreams.
3. Day two of no coffee. I warm up some ginger tea and sit by the fire place.
4. I make a to-do list that I know won't get done. Except for the laundry. I have to do the laundry.
5. Protect your time. Feed your inner life. Avoid too much noise. Read good books, have good sentences in your ears. Be yourself as often as you can. Walk. Take the phone off the hoot. Work regular hours. - Dani Shapiro, Still Writing
6. I think of Fever Dreams. I think of California. I think of how I'll be there three times before May.
7. I see her Instagram story of sheep being herded somewhere in Petaluma and I think, "I can't wait to live there!" I think this is daydreaming?
8. I've managed to keep the withdrawal headaches away with water and naps. Also: what a privilege it is to be able to sleep in the middle of the day. This is not lost on me.
9. I'm feeling lethargic but play knockout with the boys at the end of practice anyway. I'm off. All my shots are short. Next week I'll be better.
10. She's right. These cookies are full of artificial colors and flavors and I still love them anyway.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Three
1. I am awake before the alarm goes off but keep my eyes closed until I just can't anymore.
2. Warm the leftover crostada, stick the bacon in the oven.
3. I'm going to get off the coffee for awhile. I think it's time to rest.
4. Low-budget horror movie and a big glass of warm lemon water = a four-hour nap.
5. I start to fill the tub with hot water and then go back to the kitchen to toast the spices for pho and then I remember that the water is still running and then I run to see the water spilling over the sides and then my spices are burnt. And then there's no pho.
6. I tell him that I quit the day.
7. I toss the ginger that was supposed to be for the pho into a pot with lemon and cinnamon sticks and water for a big pot of ginger tea.
8. I think about how the Alisha four years ago would have never had that many people in the home without the perfect dining room chairs, without the right art on the walls, without the right lighting in the ceiling. I'm getting better.
9. Lavendar oil.
10. What am I committed to?
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-Two
1. I already said we were having waffles. But there is no syrup. It snowed last night and there are still the tiniest snowflakes blowing in the wind.
2. The other two have to come with us to the game. I make them sit on the end of the bench.
3. We win, but not in the way I want us to. They're all missing the fundamentals. At 10, you need to know the fundamentals. We'll work on that after Christmas. Today, we enjoy the very narrow victory.
4. The upside of having people over is that you have to clean. A lot. And so at least I know that tomorrow I'll be able to sit by the fireplace and enjoy my clean home.
5. Chicken tortilla soup, salsa, guacamole, chips, cornbread muffins, apple crostada.
6. I tell them that my inspiration for this dinner is from my best friend and since my husband said I couldn't invite the whole neighborhood, that I wanted to start with them because of how well they've treated us and my children since we've lived here. That this coming together is my way to say "thank you."
7. Margaritas and wine and fireplace and loud talking.
8. My little introverted self can totally do this again.
9. Someone brings up the California thing. Are we moving? I don't know. Do we want to? Yes. Is it gonna happen? We hope so. Is it gonna happen soon? We have no idea. We just know we're grateful to be where we are.
10. I just want all of them to sleep in tomorrow.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty-One
1. Bacon and eggs and biscuits.
2. I just wish that I knew how to help him.
3. I can feel my body tensing up as I head toward the grocery store. The car is still not warm yet. I remember that winter makes me angry. So today I need to shift that mindset. Count my blessings. Imagine I'm in California or New Orleans or anywhere that's warmer than here right now. Stare into the sun.
4. I have to go to three different stores to find quality salmon.
5. I catch myself scanning the faces in the dining room because I secretly hope to see someone I know. Like, I feel like I need a hug from someone I know.
6. I think back to the dream. How it left me feeling thrilled and satisfied but also filled with longing and sadness.
7. The downside of wearing your slippers to pick up the kids from school is that if you forget that you need to go to the store, you have to drive all the way home to put on appropriate footwear.
8. Salmon and risotto and spinach. It's supposed to snow tonight.
9. He's right. These cookies really are no good.
10. Craving: time to journal and vision in a quiet home, alone.
Ten.One Hundred & Sixty
1. Jordan Marsh’s blueberry muffin recipe really is the best. I’ve now eaten enough of them to know it without a doubt.
2. I am interrupted 5 minutes into my 10-minute meditation.
3. I throw the cold coffee out of my mug and into the sink. I am feeling unprepared to deal with a child who doesn’t like school. I want it to get better but it doesn’t. And I don’t know how to help.
4. Burnt up log.
5. Robin and I talk. It’s been far too long since we last spoke. But I love how we can just dive right back into co-creation.
6. I had forgotten just how joy-filled Molly is. That one hour with her was so needed and I didn’t even realize it.
7. When you saw a big dream out loud for the first time.
8. Laundry.
9. “1957” by Milo Green. “As” by Stevie Wonder. “The Water” by Feist.
10. Rosé.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Nine
1. The winds are quiet this morning but I can still feel the chill.
2. Cinnamon Toast for breakfast. Softened butter mixed with sugar and cinnamon slathered onto slices of bread and toasted in the oven. A treat we haven't had in a while.
3. What's the better question?
4. What am I committed to?
5. I love seeing her through my screen. I can't wait to hug her in real life. This is the beauty of co-creation and collaboration and the magic of the internet.
6. Lush and moody.
7. He gets in the car and asks if we can go back to New Orleans? Better yet, "When are we moving to California. I just want to be warm."
8. It's just land and sky. I forget how much earth remains untouched. I wish it would stay that way.
9. I eat a little too much but still make room for dessert. Because: little luxuries.
10. There is very little light on the back roads we take home. The night sky is clear and so black and deep. All I see is the moon and the stars. Amazing how much light the darkness holds.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Eight
1. The neighbor's tree split in half and my basketball goal is on its side. I can still hear the wind whipping through and shaking the screens.
2. The light is slow to come this morning. It is really winter now. You can just tell.
3. The coffee cake is taking a long time to bake and everyone is mad at me because it's after 7 an there is still no breakfast. I should have made muffins instead.
4. I start the latest podcast episode and, not surprisingly, I'm rethinking everything I know and have decided.
5. I see the words I've written and realize that what I'm working on is not in alignment with how I want to show up in the world. I mean, it is, and it isn't.
6. I just want to find a way to bridge the gap.
7. I just want to not be sick anymore.
8. Roasted chicken, potatoes, and green beans on the Friendly Village china. Novellum Chardonnay and Jean-Paul Chevenet Morgon Beaujolais and Shae Pinot Noir. We didn't get to the Odette Cabernet Sauvignon.
9. Why is it that we never say what we mean to say or do what we mean to do until it's too late?
10. I miss my friends.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Seven
1. Headlights from the neighbor's truck. The sound of his tires rolling across the wet pavement.
2. I start to dig out the apples to make a crisp for breakfast but decide it will just be oatmeal for today.
3. Morning pages beside the fireplace. Hot water with only garlic honey because I keep forgetting to buy lemons.
4. I think I hear giggling but I'm going to ignore it because it's only 6:15 and I don't want to talk to anyone yet. I still haven't had my first cup of coffee.
5. I know that next year I want growth. The kind of growth that is really expansive. Life changing kind of growth.
6. "You have to show up every day."
7. Empty the dryer. Slide basket into the hallway. Load the dryer. Turn it on. Load the washing machine. Turn it on. Carry the basket from the hallway to the bedroom where it will sit until it gets folded. Repeat. This is my work.
8. I separate the ornaments by color first. She goes in for the vintage Waterford Crystal and I tell her, "no, not this year." I've lost one of those crystal ornaments almost every year. They somehow get swallowed up in the thickness of the evergreen and there's no amount of shaking that's ever brought them back. Those ornaments are almost as old as I am.
9. The star that sits atop the tree is also almost as old as I am and missing a few pieces. I can never get it to sit straight. It's by far the least prettiest thing and yet it's also what makes it feel right.
10. Stranger Things.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Six
1. I make a whole pot forgetting that I'll be leaving soon to drink coffee somewhere else.
2. The sun is bright and high and in my face as I head east toward Naperville. Sunday traffic is light and easy. I'm still tired from last night's dinner even though I was in bed by 11.
3. Boxed water plus a large coffee plus a big cinnamon and sugar donut. The donut is not as good as the one I just ate from the abbey.
4. We nail down the name of the project. I am grateful to her for reaching out to me about this. We're doing our little thing to be a part of the conversation. And it's an important conversation.
5. It looks like there is glitter on the Fox River.
6. Brunch with my circle. Mimosas and a burger.
7. Two scoops of ice cream in a waffle cone. One scoop of sea salt caramel and one scoop of apple pie. I feel like a kid again.
8. I feel off. It might be the cold medicine plus a full and fast weekend.
9. Three deer walking across the scorched earth. Even with all that has been burned away, once they stop moving I can't see them. Is there safety in stillness?
10. I have no energy to decorate the tree tonight. "Tomorrow," I say. Tomorrow.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Five
1. I must have been dreaming about being late because I wake up thinking it is 6:30 and it's actually only 5:30.
2. The coffee grinder sounds especially loud in the laundry room today. I make myself and english muffin because I know I need something in my belly before the first cup. It's dripping with butter and a little bit of strawberry preserves. If I could learn how to make an english muffin like the ones from Model Bakery I'd be in big trouble.
3. He wants to leave early to have more time to shoot around before his game. The night before I caught him watching basketball instructional videos on Youtube. I'm glad he's taking it seriously. His passion may not be exactly what I want it to be, but it's passion nonetheless and I love that.
4. Win. To be fair, we are much taller than the opposition. So much about winning is really making yourself look and feel bigger, letting yourself take up space.
5. I listen to a podcast while I clean. My mind is going a million miles a minute. I process things much better while in movement.
6. It takes us almost 2 hours to get downtown for dinner. The moon is big and white and round and I can see its shadows.
7. Duck heart paired with a Mosel Riesling. We have an Alsatian Gewurztraminer next. A Cabernet Franc from 2008. I've never eaten a duck that still had its face on.
8. City lights.
9. It's good to be home. I sometimes wish I lived closer to the city. On nights like these I want to figure out all the ways I can bring little bits of the city here to this suburb.
10. More nighttime cold medicine. At least I know I'll be able to sleep.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Four
1. I can feel the sinus infection creeping back in. The remedy for this is never an easy one because it requires more rest and who has time to rest right now?
2. The first light is coming up over the rooftops and it's this strange white glow. Kind of like what I saw in the desert. But it feels weird to see it here.
3. First, white to break up the deep midnight sky. Then yellow, and some green, and orange. The colors of the rising and setting sun have been so saturated lately. It's a painting I can't recreate.
4. I do like to get my nails done. I'd love for it to happen more than once a year. She pushes back the cuticles and we talk about the energy it takes to build a business for yourself, the struggle to fight perfecting something before you do it, and ways to keep holding your vision.
5. Driving through these streets gets easier and easier.
6. We decide that this year we're going to go cut down our own Christmas tree.
7. Only two out of the three seem to be excited about this. We get to one lot and everyone gets out. We walk about 1000 feet before the girl begins to cry. At the next lot we let her stay in the car.
8. Chicken noodle soup. We eat the apple cider donuts from the abbey for dessert. It is the best donut I've had in a long time; perfectly sweet with just enough apple and spice, soft, and moist. I'm going to dream about this donut.
9. The branches on the tree are too tight so we have to wait to put on the decorations. I'm okay with that. I still haven't caught up this week. The suitcases are still full of clothes, the laundry hasn't been folded, the floors haven't been swept.
10. We sip on 2013 Sonoma Coast Vineyards Pinot Noir, which is still one of my favorite wines, and think back to those ricotta dumplings with hen of the woods mushrooms at La Petite Grocery, and debate the merits of molecular gastronomy. Like with most things, just give it to me straight. And give it to me good. I want to taste food, not the concept of food.
Ten.One Hundred & Fifty-Three
1. Clouds that look like mountains.
2. Maybe one day I can talk the farmer into letting me on his property to take pictures. The land is so flat and the sun makes the short grass glow gold when the sun rises and sets.
3. She doesn't like granola.
4. Down to the basement. I should really put on slippers. This space works but it doesn't. Going through her edits makes me smile. I think, maybe I'll offer this again. I am still not sure how it all fits and makes sense.
5. A baked potato makes for an oddly satisfying lunch before I head back downstairs to edit.
6. How is this already the last day of November? I'm sure I say this to myself on the last day of every month of every year.
7. They did a control burn in the wetlands out back and so now all I see is the few remaining trees and scorched earth. I want to walk on the blackened ground and feel what it feels like to set fire to what is in order to make space for what will be.
8. A hawk. Awareness. Vision. Timing.
9. We both sit in front of the fireplace—I read and drink a pot of tea while he does his homework.
10. This used to be my favorite easy drinking wine but now they've put too much zinfandel in it.