Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. 2:37 a.m. Don’t think about the game.

2. Warm winds so early in the morning. The sound of the branches losing their leaves.

3. That’s what we need.

4. Only one cup.

5. Gratitude for the foresight to take off the rest of the week.

6. Ninety minutes to get it all done.

7. Pressure.

8. So. much. potential.

9. I keep leaving random things in random places.

10. Too many ghost stories at night.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Eyes up toward the sky. Still looks like a starry night.

2. Outcome. Process. Creative. Negative. Explorative.

3. Game day coffee mug.

4. Not early enough.

5. I can barely eat my salad.

6. Forty-one minutes past the end time.

7. “I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s unhinged.”

8. I tell her that this is why I can never eat on game days.

9. He’s not wrong.

10. Joy in the gym.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Definitely wearing pants this time.

2. Thick, thick fog and a glowing tree in the middle of the yard.

3. “How you think influences how you feel. How you feel influences how you act. How you act determines your behavior. And your behavior becomes your identity and your reality.” - Visualize

4. Winter whites.

5. I flip the lights off and enjoy the quiet time alone.

6. Sometimes, during moments like these, I think everything is going to be okay.

7. Leftover gratin potatoes and brussels sprouts.

8. Mints falling out of my pockets.

9. On this team we…

10. He’s not as excited about it as I’d like for him to be.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. He asks me if she’s here. I look at my clock and see 7:41 a.m.

2. But now, I can’t sleep any longer.

3. Santa mug + slippers + fire. There was a time when this was a daily morning routine, not something just saved for days off.

4. One large spoonful of sweet potato casserole.

5. All the space given back from the close of the semester is eaten up by tournament prep.

6. “Best Team Ever.”

7. 9-8 at halftime?!

8. We talk about the next few weeks of basketball. Five days straight for me, three days for each of them, and then repeat.

9. Did I remember it all?

10. Sunday scaries.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. This morning, only my thoughts.

2. I need to start wearing pants during these walks.

3. I know what this feeling is. It happens the same time every year.

4. I tell her that, for better or worse, I may sometimes be too cerebral.

5. Wednesdays are too short.

6. “I work alone.”

7. What’s the shortest explanation of ecological dynamics I can give right now?

8. The soup keeps me warm for only so long.

9. Ah. It finally happened. Three of them. One really nice and high in the upper corner.

10. It’s finally happening.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. A little colder than I thought it would be.

2. Dark sky and bright white stars before the color of morning.

3. But. Of course.

4. There is also the human cost

5. Holiday Baking Championship.

6. I can’t stop myself from interrupting.

7. Tomato soup and onion rings.

8. At first, I thought it was easy. Now, it’s feeling hard. This feeling feels familiar.

9. He says that I should maybe quit the coffee again and I don’t disagree. “Throwing kerosene on the fire,” he says.

10. Find the joy.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Ninety-One

1. Discipline.

2. The sound of the rain dripping onto wet rocks.

3. Luckily, no dogs this morning.

4. “You’re coaching again this year?”

5. I promise it’s because we only meet once a month or two. Really.

6. Leftover pasta for lunch. Again.

7. How do we adjust? Who’s thinking what? Did it work?

8. Step by step.

9. A cold and wet night, but her cleats look cool.

10. “If you’re interested in being your best, your inner monologue needs to support the best you want to be. In fact, when it comes to sustained performance, because doubt and disappointment are constant companions, controlling your thoughts is often the ball game.” - The Art of Impossible

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. I could get up now. But I don’t want to.

2. Oreos and Clorox wipes.

3. It still doesn’t feel like basketball season, even though it’s the middle of November.

4. The gift of seeing how they see themselves.

5. At the end of the day, don’t we all want to win?

6. I’m not the only one who will eat croutons as a snack.

7. “I love this team.” I don’t know who said it, but it makes me fell 1,000% sure that it means we’re doing the right things.

8. This time, there are bags for the popcorn. This makes more sense.

9. This is not my speed.

10. Oh. Yes. This is why I say nothing.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. Tiptoeing through the house.

2. The phone knows that at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning I’m stopping at the Safeway first.

3. Oreo crumbs.

4. The gift in this is to be able to see how they see themselves and each other.

5. Oh, I’m going to need a break by then.

6. The to-do list grows every minute.

7. I tell them that if they’re parking on the grass behind the actual parking lot, there’s no point in even looking at the line.

8. Deciding to go watch more basketball instead of doing my homework.

9. What would Sara tell me to do?

10. One more chapter before bed.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. The sound of the rain.

2. Why do I always forget to pull the furniture in before the rains come.

3. Daydreaming of quiet time in a clean home with a fire going and a hot cup of something.

4. So embarrassing.

5. Feeling everything so much that you don’t feel anything at all.

6. But sometimes, perception is truth.

7. I sit and put a few forks of salad into my mouth and sit with the feeling. How long has it been? About a year and a half? That’s about right.

8. No. A one-on-one is a meeting.

9. Teriyaki sauce, yes. But also ice cream.

10. Game day.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. Sky on fire.

2. I decide to that there is enough light to hit the trail this morning.

3. Her car is here.

4. I didn’t think this all the way through. Defrosting broccoli cheddar soup in the office microwave is a painfully way to prepare a lunch when you’re so hungry.

5. The laughs.

6. It feels so weirdly warm. Humid? Uncomfortable.

7. I know I can’t hide it on my face.

8. Adjustments to be made.

9. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes and a last-minute dinner guest.

10. I think I know what it really is.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. Just a little bit more time.

2. Still groggy but pushing through one cup at a time.

3. Reading and writing and getting inspired again. This is why I’m doing this.

4. A breath of fresh air.

5. Leftover tomato soup with seasoned croutons sprinkled across the top.

6. Sure. We could grab a coffee, but I have no idea when.

7. I should take a few more days off.

8. Something about the start of the season feels good and right, even though all of the pieces aren’t in the right place yet. Maybe this is just what happens when you get to five years.

9. Eating my reward for finishing this short paper.

10. It’s going to be a good week.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. The first color of light.

2. He asks me why I’m up so early. Practice today. Uniforms today. Coffeecake and juice today.

3. The peace of a quiet gym.

4. I don’t want to get too excited, but these are good signs.

5. How am I doing it? I’m a little crazy. And very tired.

6. Family lunch. I choose a seat in the sun. We split fries and salad and pizza. He says he hasn’t had a Shirley Temple in so long. She convinces her him to drive her to Napa for soccer cleats.

7. Nap.

8. Winding roads lined with trees. The leaves are changing color and for a moment you could think you’re somewhere other than California.

9. Deep wooden benches and hometown crowds. Names on the roster I that I remember, like Shasta. Little baskets of popcorn.

10. Even my hair smells like steak.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. On Wednesdays, he sleeps in.

2. On the mend.

3. So. Cold. I break down and turn on the heat.

4. Am I supposed not to try to look well?

5. She gives me some much-needed homework. But when will I find the time?

6. The most delightful couple from Fort Lauderdale. Debbie and Clint. Genuine joy. Those kinds of people make you realize how grateful you should be to be where you are.

7. Oh. The first day of classes is today.

8. It feels as though people are offended by my unwillingness to hug or shake their hands when I’m recovering from a cold.

9. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than before. Progress.

10. Pizza delivered to the car window.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Morning headache.

2. The sound of rain beating against the rooftop.

3. A deep breath.

4. One by one.

5. The hot bowl of soup only provides temporary warmth.

6. Just one more Nyquil-induced sleep.

7. Being the odd one in the group, not shaking hands or hugging because of a cold.

8. We talk about the importance of being around artists.

9. He sends a picture of her on the bench for the Varsity game.

10. “I cooked.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Eighty

1. In the dream, I’m seated at a table in a room, and very important people are asking me questions about my project. Why this dream now, after I’ve already gotten the “yes”?

2. Cold.

3. It looks and feels like fall: thin air and whispy fog. The colors are wet and vibrant.

4. They haven’t refreshed the donuts yet, so I settle on some coffee cake.

5. Filling up your coffee and getting a little derailed by a ten-minute conversation.

6. I forgot the basketballs.

7. The five of us doing a little bit of work this morning. Another new face. Another reason to be excited.

8. Don’t think about Monday.

9. Surprised by its spaciousness and all the light.

10. Could I really wear a dead woman’s clothes?

11. I better not be catching his cold.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. Cold legs, hot arms.

2. Hurry up and wait.

3. Snapping pictures of flowers covered in raindrops. Sipping hot decaf from the mug while watching him remove tape from the bins. Thinking of the days when doing this was actually part of my job.

4. A little bit of fun.

5. People tell me so many things. I must have the face of someone who is willing to listen.

6. Marinated hanger steak risotto and Chianti Classico.

7. When the tourists are already drunk on tequila and then decide to drink Cabernet at lunch before doing another tasting.

8. Making accomodations.

9. 99-yard interception. 7-0.

10. Control what you can control.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. Cold. Droplets on my face.

2. Almost Friday.

3. Yes! She’s here.

4. That is the gift of vulnerability: knowing that you are not alone.

5. Leftover broccoli and cheddar soup while taking notes.

6. Difficulty focusing, but I think it’s just the weather.

7. My least favorite gym.

8. Collapse.

9. Can I catch it?

10. They believe in us.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. I want to stay asleep, but I know I must wake.

2. Big, full moon.

3. He’s making a mental list of all the other things he should be doing. I think he might be regretting this.

4. This is why you don’t bring Mom and Dad to the party.

5. I should be eating my lunch, but I can’t stop eating this wint-o-green mints.

6. Let the little things stay little.

7. I linger because I find it all a bit entertaining. But also worrisome.

8. Wait. I’m not supposed to care this much.

9. This.

10. Cold chilaquiles.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. No sleep.

2. Seeking balance in all it’s forms.

3. Honest conversation. A truthful conversation?

4. I find a spot on the front porch in dappled light and write and write and write.

5. Windows down. Red Hot Chili Peppers up.

6. Ugh.

7. I should start plotting the PTO.

8. I thought the same thing.

9. “Real optimists don’t believe that everything will be great. That’s complacency. Optimism is a belief that the odds of a good outcome are in your favor over time, even when there will be setbacks along the way.” - Morgan Housel

10. It will be a good week.