Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. This looks like a fall sky, a rain sky.

2. All this muscle, but now, no mobility.

3. Craving: a massage.

4. I am tempted to throw a log into the fire, but it still feels too soon.

5. I remember the therapist saying something about how cleaning can be therapeutic because, one, you can control it, and two, you immediately see the results of your work—instant gratification.

6. Clean car.

7. She whispers the word to the camera, and it spells it out.

8. It never takes as long as you think it will.

9. Wishing for one more day.

10. Four more weeks.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. 9:30 a.m.

2. I feel like I’ve lost an entire day. But i neeeded the extra sleep.

3. He’s sitting at the table in a towel eating eggs.

4. Family lunch at Stateline. Brisket. Tri-tip sandwich. Brisket sandwich. Burnt ends. Macaroni and cheese. Greens and Beans. We talk about how they missed all the Kansas City barbecue we used to eat: Jack Stack, Oklahoma Joe’s, Arthur Bryant’s.

5. “What’s a narp?” “You know. It’s a non-athletic regular person.”

6. More film. Halfway there.

7. I can’t remember the last time I just walked around a Target to waste time. She wants to smell all the smells. I manage enough willpower to avoid putting candy corn in the cart.

8. We just mention the part about her going over the curb.

9. I take my shower while they argue about Michael and Lebron.

10. Cheeto puffs.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. TGIF.

2. A later start, a slower pace, a little more light.

3. But, can I do it mysyelf?

4. I start heading down the hill when he calls to say they have a flat tire.

5. Catching up over decaf and egg-white scrambles.

6. It never feels like the right time.

7. The audacity of her still texting me after all of this.

8. Putting yourself in difficult situations and getting a different perspective.

9. Another shaky start with a convincing finish. 5-0.

10. “I’m just trying to get to my bed.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. Someone else is out here with a flashlight.

2. I’m still mad about it.

3. Half-day.

4. I start tearing up while putting the tiny tin of frosting on the cinnamon rolls and think of how she talked about crying while watching the coach walk with the players to the field. And, I think, maybe it’s also just a mom thing—this crying at all the little things.

5. Start there.

6. She drops off a small dish of gummy bears.

7. Made it here, but not with enough time to get to the ocean. You can feel it, though, in the air.

8. Can’t believe I never made it to the ocean once this summer.

9. “Machinehead” starts to play, and I think of how sad it is that none of these kids will ever know the iconic MTV moment when Gavin Rossdale sang “Machinehead” in the rain.

10. A lot of tears over burnt Kagemand.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Up.

2. Big Strength, Little Strength.

3. I turn my flashlight off halfway through the second lap and stare at the wakening sky.

4. The problem with walking alone is that then it’s just you and your thoughts and there’s no way to write them down. I can’t remember them all. Tomorrow, I’ll try voice notes.

5. “Did you find a coach yet?” I put my hands on my face.

6. She asks me what my reaction was. Mostly, just shock.

7. There are no gummy bears here.

8. During the meeting, he texts me that he likes the orange Sour Patch kids. I try not to giggle.

9. She and her friends make me giggle.

10. Begin with the end in mind.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. No light in the sky, and I can already feel the heat.

2. He sent me a text asking how my search is going. Not good, my friend. Not good.

3. She offers me a bite of her pain au chocolat.

4. She’s here!

5. The lights stay off for a few hours, and I’m grateful that they like me enough to sit in the dark.

6. These gummy bears, though.

7. A sweaty, but necessary walk.

8. I’ve never seen this gym in the daytime, filled with afternoon light. It’s much less intimidating than a packed gym at night.

9. Can we find something a little longer?

10. She has a bat trapped in her house.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Indigo sky studded with stars. When the trees break, there’s enough light to find my way.

2. How can he see in the dark like that?

3. Now is not the time.

4. She says that she’s walking, and she thinks she can smell harvest.

5. Dark office. Hot decaf in the Yeti. Chopin in the headphones.

6. These darn gummy bears. I tell her not to buy them when we run out.

7. Turns out I need to hit the track, too.

8. “He’s so smart!” Yeah, I know. I don’t think very many people understand just how bright he actually is.

9. Can I stay up long enough for the ice cream to come?

10. Spooky season.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Slow.

2. The decaf pods are here! The decaf pods are here!

3. I promise myself that I will not think about work today.

4. Notion templates for the sake of experimentation and organization. Too much for the mind to hold.

5. Structure. No chaos.

6. She says her body is sore from coughing so much.

7. The jays are squawking. Even through the closed windows, they sound like they sitting right above head.

8. The first one is tomorrow. Optimistic without getting hopes too high.

9. I’m going to take the time off anyway. I have a feeling I need it.

10. Cravings.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Morning light sliding into the room.

2. I’m going to believe that filling my cup halfway with regular coffee and halfway with hot water is the same as having decaf.

3. Leftover chili.

4. She asks me if I know who the dog belongs to. And, of course I do because she’s always running loose. I take her back home. Kona is her name.

5. College mail.

6. Whatever that cough is, it sounds like she’s about to give up a lung.

7. I show her how to know if an email is from a scammer. After all, the name did say “John Doe.”

8. I always want one more day.

9. Reminding myself that I can just follow the plan. It doesn’t all have to be figured out roday.

10. Okay, okay. I’ll eat some key lime pie.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty

1. The sound of rain on the tree leaves.

2. Dusti! And a few other names I recognize. Ninety minutes of focus can shift a lot.

3. I move between the rooms, spraying and wiping, and whispering gratitudes to myself.

4. It just gives me breathing room.

5. Fig tart.

6. The attention is nice, but would we really travel to South Dakota?

7. This is kind of what I like about this stuff: You don’t really understand it until you’re in it and decide to be a part of it.

8. His first fumble in his entire career.

9. 34-0 to go 4-0. What fun for them.

10. A little bit of Parmesan and some crackers, and Halloween Baking Championship before bed.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Today, it doesn’t matter how fast I go.

2. I see a lot of cars already, but none of them belong to her.

3. I’m really just here for the snacks. And the decaf pods.

4. These are the kinds of conversations that inspire me. And I wish I had made more time for them. But maybe it’s not too late.

5. Talking everyone off the ledge.

6. Nervous about what these next few months will look like. But only 38 more hours to go.

7. If you want to be a leader, these are things you must do.

8. I need a Fever Dream retreat.

9. “We were resilient.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. A sliver of moon and a blanket of stars.

2. A different route to keep me off the rocks during these dark mornings.

3. The view coming down the stairs every morning. The changing color of the light. Not even bothered by the pile of laundry that’s been sitting there for days.

4. Out of pods.

5. The last time? The last time.

6. “I want to give myself time for my self.”

7. I tell her that I just like to have a plan. I don’t like chaos. She says I need to work on my need to control when the chaos becomes too much.

8. He sends him a text about the Cubs making the playoffs.

9. Sometimes they have a lot to say.

10. “Low key, I think you could cook at PUC.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. No. I should do it. If I don’t, I’ll regret it. It’s about my mental health.

2. Flashlight only.

3. Taking a moment to stare at the sunrise over the Vacas before walking onto the crushpad.

4. Why does today feel so…easy?

5. The thing is, once I begin to overthink it, then it no longer becomes fun.

6. I forgot the extra B on the BLTA.

7. What would next year look like if nothing changes?

8. I giggle at her picture of her cup of decaf.

9. These are just mental mistakes.

10. “Common enemy is a must.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. It is time.

2. The fog is thick, magnifying the light from the moon. I don’t need a flashlight this morning.

3. She’s 16 today, but I feel like she’s been 16 for so long.

4. It smells like harvest.

5. I keep reminding her that at the end of the day, we could, but then, what would happen?

6. She says she has another friend, which brings the number to 29.

7. A pile of warm, gooey brownies, a gold candle, and a circle of sweaty girls in the weight room singing.

8. All the momentum, but I’m still missing one piece.

9. The words behind the words.

10. Noooooo. Not the mouthguard.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. I don’t think I’ve slept in this late in years.

2. Three decaf pods left.

3. Sitting in the bleachers, in the sun—again. The perfect weather for a Saturday morning flag game.

4. Substitutions.

5. The leave time keeps getting earlier and earlier.

6. Sitting in traffic and staring at

7. Yes. It’s supposed to be fun. But all the other things weighing on my mind keep it from being so.

8. Rudolpho!

9. These college games sure do have a lot more fanfare than what I remember. Flashing lights, fire and fireworks.

10. 10:15 p.m. in the Chick-fil-A drive-through. He says the prices are almost as bad as Gott’s.

11. Another night way past my bedtime. Monday will be rough.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. TGIF.

2. It’s so dark during these walks that I have to begin them with my flashlight on.

3. I check my phone expecting/hoping for the meeting to be cancelled. It’s still there, but there’s also still time.

4. Enough to do what I need, even if they don’t support.

5. And there it is.

6. They are exposed; it’s just that no one has figured out what to do about it.

7. I come in through the back doors of the gym, and I see the stands filled with girls. I’m trying to hide my excitement. I definitely did not get enough pizza.

8. It’s working.

9. I'm trying to take these last 10 minutes to vacuum before we leave. I'm stress-sweating before I go and sweat some more.

10. She says she saw an ambulance and a fire truck and wonders if she should go and check on the neighbor.

11. The colors of sunset stretched across the sky.

12. Always the last one out of the locker room.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Going slow is better than not going at all.

2. It’s still so dark. How am I going to solve for this as the season changes?

3. Yes. More history teachers who teach the truth.

4. The first door is open, but the second one is locked. I know why.

5. Sometimes you just need someone to speak the truth so you know you’re not going crazy.

6. On my fourth cup of decaf, as if it’s going to do something.

7. I look out the window and see thick, dark gray clouds. It looks like thunder and rain.

8. Note to self: Stop eating the Sour Patch Kids.

9. Sometimes it’s just an energy thing.

10. I catch myself talking myself out of a dream.

11. 7:47 p.m. Golden evening light makes everything glow. I’m quite convinced that there is no other place in the States where the sunsets look like this.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-One

1. At least it’s not spitting on me this morning.

2. Beholden to the whims of mother nature now.

3. Well. If we haven’t seen him, then he must still be sleeping.

4. When Mom and Dad are away, the kids get to play.

5. Good, good news. Great news.

6. Perhaps the reason we all like LEGOs is one of the reasons why our team gets along.

7. I’ve always heard stories about people leaving their cell phones in an Uber, but this is the first time I’ve seen it happen in real life.

8. We walk through the crowds of people. This is the part of being out that I dislike the most—so many people so close to one another.

9. No. That’s not true. We are doing good work despite the challenges.

10. On the drive back home, I’m on autopilot and thinking about content for the next year and what it could look like. Then I remember that this is the benefit of a day off: space for creative thought. I need more of these.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty

1. I can do it.

2. This feels like rain. Like clouds spitting in my face. I should have worn a hat.

3. For a moment, I daydream about lighting those last few logs and sitting in front of the fire with a mug of decaf.

4. We’re overdue for coffee.

5. These boxes mean more than just new uniforms.

6. She’s here!

7. We have a plan for tomorrow, even though we’d all rather be sick.

8. Creamy tortellini soup.

9. I always forget how windy these roads are and how many more times I’ll have to grip onto this door.

10. Sit quietly in the front, and you get to understand so much more.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. I don’t really want to get out of bed, but I know I need to.

2. The sunrise is always worth it.

3. Putzing around the office in the dark. Memories of my old office and how quiet it was and how much it glowed from the natural light.

4. Gummy bears and sour patch kids.

5. The introvert’s fear of being unable to escape a group social event.

6. I correctly identify the piece as Chopin, which makes me want to put on my Spotify channel.

7. Orange sherbet for clouds.

8. His seat is leaned so far back and I’m sure that the only reason he can see above the steering wheel is because he’s over six feet tall.

9. White and red and black.

10. I pick up a pile of his clothes and think about him a little younger, a little smaller. And I think about that time I took him to get photos when he was a baby, and those cheeks and blue eyes.